Can you date someone w/o any physical attraction?

[LookAtThisPOst]

So you just aren't attracted to him because you don't feel a spark, even though there is nothing wrong with how he actually looks.

 

That's pretty much the same thing Nikki Sahagin was talking about in her posts.

 

Women don't make no sense *sigh*

 

I have to say the "spark" is over rated because it can be rather fleeting (not long lasting). I recall feeling what I thought was a "spark" with a woman on a couple of occasions thinking (Wow, so this is what it feels like?), things went well both online, on the phone, and DURING out date, the witty banter, flirting, body language was non-stop....... only to have her blow me off for a 2nd date.

 

She went completely cold on me. It's more of an infatuation than a spark, so I think some people are getting those confused.

 

So I don't put much merit in "the spark".

[xxoo]

This guy sounds like a great catch, and there is nothing wrong with his looks. It makes no logical sense why Sunberry isn't interested in him.

 

Attraction isn't logical, and it certainly isn't all about looks for women (or even most men).

 

If he doesn't stir that warmth in her loins, there is no basis for dating. Friendship, sure.

[organizedchaos]

Look over my previous post.

 

 

 

This guy sounds like a great catch, and there is nothing wrong with his looks. It makes no logical sense why Sunberry isn't interested in him.

 

Because 1+1 is not 2 when it comes to attraction, love, etc. There is no logic. it is not a puzzle, it is not a formula. You really need to grasp this concept bc it is reality.

[PJKino]

So you just aren't attracted to him because you don't feel a spark, even though there is nothing wrong with how he actually looks.

 

That's pretty much the same thing Nikki Sahagin was talking about in her posts.

 

Women don't make no sense *sigh*

 

" nothing wrong with his looks" is at best saying he's not hideous

 

I'm sure if he was a very good looking guy the "spark" would be there

 

My good looking friend literally goes on 3 or 4 dates a week and the majority of the time on the 1st date these women throw themselves at him

 

It's funny how the really good looking ones magically provide that. "Spark" that isn't looks related according to some lol

[Mangina]

So you just aren't attracted to him because you don't feel a spark, even though there is nothing wrong with how he actually looks.

 

That's pretty much the same thing Nikki Sahagin was talking about in her posts.

 

Women don't make no sense *sigh*

 

It makes perfect sense, he is just average. She wants someone who is hot like the girls who use dating sites. I hope she is hot herself because if not she will have problems finding what she is looking for. Its just nature my guess is in the next century there will be more conventionally attractive men due to selective breeding.

[JADIE]

So, he just asked me out again...He wants to take me out on a date.

 

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not go on the date with him if he believes it will somehow turn romantic. In fact, I'd tell him that his continued efforts to elevate the friendship are in fact threatening its very existence, and you truly hope he doesn't push to the point you must write him off completely. He's not getting it.

[carhill]

OP, something I found to work really well in this situation, as I found myself in such situations as a younger man who erroneously grew romance out of getting to know someone, is to directly thank him for his interest and tell him directly that you don't feel that way about him and request that he not ask you out on any more dates. Be direct.

 

'Thanks so much but I don't feel that way about you and would appreciate it if you don't ask me out on any more dates'.

 

Ouch, yup, but the friendship, if authentic, should survive.

[Sunberry]

It makes perfect sense, he is just average. She wants someone who is hot like the girls who use dating sites. I hope she is hot herself because if not she will have problems finding what she is looking for. Its just nature my guess is in the next century there will be more conventionally attractive men due to selective breeding.

 

Well, I'm not shutting him down because he's not "hot". You make it sound like I'm shallow, haha.

 

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not go on the date with him if he believes it will somehow turn romantic. In fact, I'd tell him that his continued efforts to elevate the friendship are in fact threatening its very existence, and you truly hope he doesn't push to the point you must write him off completely. He's not getting it.

 

I don't know what I'm doing for him to not get it...I honestly haven't responded to him yet. He tried changing the subject. I'm going to try and respond today the best way I can.

 

OP, something I found to work really well in this situation, as I found myself in such situations as a younger man who erroneously grew romance out of getting to know someone, is to directly thank him for his interest and tell him directly that you don't feel that way about him and request that he not ask you out on any more dates. Be direct.

 

'Thanks so much but I don't feel that way about you and would appreciate it if you don't ask me out on any more dates'.

 

 

 

I will try my best. This friendship is pretty much ruined isn't it?

Edited February 17, 2015 by Sunberry

[guest569]

Funny how bitter men on here think that women are fussy or unrealistic for not forcing themselves to date someone they are not attracted to. Would these men do the same? No.

 

The guy could be super hot but beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, regardless of what you think.

[somedude81]

 

The guy could be super hot but beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, regardless of what you think.

 

Not really.

 

There is almost a universal standard on what men consider beautiful. Not counting a few outlier countries that prefer really big women and stuff like that, a woman considered beautiful in one ethnically would most likely be considered beautiful in another.

 

Regardless, looks is only part of the problem for men. If a guy isn't fortunate enough to be super good looking he has to know how to make women feel chemistry. Doing that is much harder than it sounds.

 

Women have it so easy in the dating game. All they have to do is look decent and not screw things up with their personality or actions.

[guest569]

Bollocks, total bollocks. You dont "make" a woman feel chemistry. You dont "create" chemistry. It's there or it isn't.

 

P.S i am a woman. In the dating game. It's not simple. You men dont have to be "super good looking" it's not like that. You dont get it.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Bollocks, total bollocks. You dont "make" a woman feel chemistry. You dont "create" chemistry. It's there or it isn't.

.

 

TOTALLY agree! I get a kick out of some of the posters here....the whole "Creating chemistry or attration" thing came from "Pick up artists" advice sites. It's content material/fluff bullcrap that attempt to dellude men into believing this junk.

 

There are some men here that in response to some of the men not having much luck lately with women , esp. online dating...that it's THEIR fault that they aren't "creating the attraction."

 

Such hogwash.

 

I can qualify this with being hogwash as if you've ever noticed, the advice given is always on the men to create this success by jumping through hoops to attract a woman, hardly ever the other way around.

[guest569]

I can qualify this with being hogwash as if you've ever noticed, the advice given is always on the men to create this success by jumping through hoops to attract a woman, hardly ever the other way around.

 

Yep and if its not due to not being perfect enough, then its a simple "get off of online dating sites." Only the scum of the earth would stoop to going on dating sites..

[ltjg45]

So you just aren't attracted to him because you don't feel a spark, even though there is nothing wrong with how he actually looks.

 

That's pretty much the same thing Nikki Sahagin was talking about in her posts.

 

Women don't make no sense *sigh*

 

It makes sense to me.

 

I have met women who I would consider attractive and yet I didn't feel much, if anything at all. I know she is attractive and has a good personality but I can't feel the desire to jump on her and make passionate love to her.

 

Nothing wrong with them at all....but the lust and desire to be with her simply wasn't there.

 

Am I wrong for turning her down? I certainly hope not. After all, I am saving her future headache as well by making this decision.

 

Lastly, I also believe that you can't have true love without some form of lust coming from both partners to each other, especially when you are young. Without it, the relationship just slowly dies out.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Only the scum of the earth would stoop to going on dating sites..

 

Woah, I wouldn't go as far as saying that, lol. A lot of us on these message boards are also on dating sites.

[guest569]

Woah, I wouldn't go as far as saying that, lol. A lot of us on these message boards are also on dating sites.

 

It was sarcasm because that is what a lot of people say as advice. Usually people who have never tried online dating.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It was sarcasm because that is what a lot of people say as advice. Usually people who have never tried online dating.

 

OH okay, gotcha.

[somedude81]

Bollocks, total bollocks. You dont "make" a woman feel chemistry. You dont "create" chemistry. It's there or it isn't.

 

P.S i am a woman. In the dating game. It's not simple. You men dont have to be "super good looking" it's not like that. You dont get it.

 

Then how do you explain guys that don't look all that special but always have women crawling over them?

 

Hell, have you ever heard of the word "player?"

 

Those are guys who know how women work, they can create chemistry.

[somedude81]

TOTALLY agree! I get a kick out of some of the posters here....the whole "Creating chemistry or attration" thing came from "Pick up artists" advice sites. It's content material/fluff bullcrap that attempt to dellude men into believing this junk.

 

There are some men here that in response to some of the men not having much luck lately with women , esp. online dating...that it's THEIR fault that they aren't "creating the attraction."

 

I may be reading your post incorrectly.

 

You're saying that it's the women's fault that guy's aren't having luck with women?

 

Which then could be said that I wasn't to blame or responsible for any of the dozens of girls that I really liked not reciprocating?

 

I can qualify this with being hogwash as if you've ever noticed, the advice given is always on the men to create this success by jumping through hoops to attract a woman, hardly ever the other way around.

 

Yeah it would be great if women had to put in some form of effort to attract a man, but that's just now how the world works. They don't need to.

[carhill]

 

 

 

 

 

I will try my best. This friendship is pretty much ruined isn't it?

 

All you can do is your best. Whatever happens, happens. Sure, the friendship could be ruined. Such results are part of life when living it authentically. Outcomes of loss occur. However, that outcome currently is unknown.

 

From my own experience, I found the women who were direct and authentic tended to remain as friends if the foundation of friendship was solid, even if the moment, taken separately, was hurtful. Hurt is a part of life. No one is immune.

 

Good luck!

[somedude81]

It makes sense to me.

 

I have met women who I would consider attractive and yet I didn't feel much, if anything at all. I know she is attractive and has a good personality but I can't feel the desire to jump on her and make passionate love to her.

 

That's not at unusual at all.

 

I have a pretty powerful sex drive but I don't feel the desire to make passionate love to women I haven't even kissed yet.

 

But if a woman is attractive to me and I like her personality, I will have a strong desire to get to know her better and go on a date with her.

 

Though from what I'm reading, even if a guy is good looking and a woman likes his personality, that's still not enough for her to want to go on a date. She needs the spark too, whatever that is caused by.

[MidwestUSA]

 

Which then could be said that I wasn't to blame or responsible for any of the dozens of girls that I really liked not reciprocating?

 

 

I think it's safe to say it's a no fault situation when there is simply no attraction, yes.

[gaius]

Well I think that's pretty bad advice!! What good would come of any of that for either of them, they BOTH can have a "socially acceptable" partner that they are also attracted to, sheesh!

It's actually great advice like always. And if someone is drawn to date a person they have no physical attraction for then they should.

 

It's pretty easy to tell if a partner has physical attraction for you, impotence/dry vagina gives the scam away pretty easy, so if two people want to accept that and get together for other reasons then it's nobody else's business to judge.

[clia]

Then how do you explain guys that don't look all that special but always have women crawling over them?

 

These guys have other qualities that women find attractive.

 

Hell, have you ever heard of the word "player?"

 

Those are guys who know how women work, they can create chemistry.

 

They don't "create" chemistry, though. They happen to have qualities that many women across the board may find attractive. Women "feel it" with them because of these qualities, not because they are necessarily doing something to "create" chemistry.

[GemmaUK]

This is one of the most hilarious threads I have read on here!

 

 

OP. You have to be straight and clear that you are not interested.

I would not have accepted VDay gifts personally.

You need to speak up..and speak up NOW.

 

 

Yes it will likely ruin the friendship.

 

 

Going off topic to a degree here but this thread has anyway:

Some of the replies on here remind me of a few conversations I have had in the past IRL and on OLD.

 

 

There are a very few men (I hope - and I have only been aware of a very few myself) out there who believe that women should date whoever is interested in them.

If the man considers himself to be good enough in whatever way then they believe a woman should date him.

 

 

I have come across many men who adamantly believe a woman should not be entitled to an opinion or choice on pretty much anything. In my world 3 year olds are entitled to an opinion.

I guess this was OK back when men were the breadwinners? IDK.

 

 

I couldn't be with a man who didn't have enough respect for me to consider me his equal.

I was for a little while - I had never met his type before (controlling was the main element) he got kicked out of my life as soon as I could get rid - luckily it wasn't a long RS.