Signs tell me she WANTS to talk to me, but she doesn't contact me?

[LoneWolf5493]

I wonder if this will be the case with me...

 

I dated this girl for a month, during which i acted like a total beta male which turned her off. She dumps me saying "she can't get over her ex; she's not looking for a relationship right now; and she doesn't feel for me the same as she did the other guys. But she wants to still be friends."

 

I start reading books on attraction and started learning where i went wrong (yes, it was completely my fault, and i take full responsibility).

 

2 days after christmas, i tell her after our shift together that i'm not interested in being just friends and that i'd like to continue seeing her. If she changes her mind about just being friends, then she must give me a call because i'd like to hang out with her.

 

3 days after new years, i'm working with her again, and i think "**** it!" and i ask her out again. Gives me a maybe, to which i reply, "let me know when your schedule clears up and we'll make plans then."

 

She messages me 2 days later on facebook asking where we stood and that she just wants to be friends. To which i stand my ground and say i'm not interested in that, and that if that's all she wanted then we should stop talking and go our separate ways. But if she changes her mind, she knows where to get hold of me." She responds with an "Ok, well i just want to be friends" and a few seconds later "Wish you all the best for the future blah blah blah"

 

Since then i haven't heard from her, but there are a few things i've noticed and am starting to notice:

 

- On my birthday, she writes happy birthday on my wall. [Which was after i walked away from her friendship. I just liked it, that's all, but i liked everyone's]

 

- She is always at the top of my facebook chat list [though this isn't much to go by, but i haven't engaged conversation with her since she said her good bye (been 4.5 weeks now), or even checked her facebook profile, which i've unfollowed]

 

- I worked a double shift with her. When i return from my lunch she gives me a warm, drawn out "Heyyyy!" [While working with her, i act as though she isn't there, unless she talks to me. I greeted her back, but went about my business afterwards]

 

-When we work together, she is always looking over at me. If my phone makes a sound, she looks; if i'm talking with a customer, she is listening; if i tell a stupid joke to a customer, she laughs.

 

- One evening i was taking over a shift from her, she walks past me. She makes, and keeps eye contact with me until she walks past. [i paid no attention to it, though i did notice it. I kept the eye contact to maintain my strength and dominance]

 

- I was leaving work and she was taking over. I ignored her and pretended like she wasn't there, though i did say hey when she entered. She wasn't at all happy about me ignoring her. [it was just a vibe i got from her; i felt it. I also ignored it and carried on with my day]

 

Then i decided to stop being a cold dick towards her [after all, no one deserves it and she didn't do anything wrong, right?]

 

- I worked with her soon after this decision. At first it's a little awkward, but i ask how's she doing, to which she responded briefly and then reciprocated.

 

- As the evening draws on, a regular customer comes in and jokes that i'm dressed the way i am because i'm trying to fix things with my gf. She was not happy at the thought.

 

- I started getting mischievous: I bantered with her, playfully picked on her, joked with her, and was just plain outrageous and stupid. She laughs, she reciprocates the banter, and she starts to have fun. I even caught her following me at one point, but she caught her self and continued on to pretend that she was looking at something [which btw, she had already done a few moments before i walked, which is how i know she was following me]

 

- She's started posting things like "Hey everybody!" on her facebook status, and other things to "get attention" which she NEVER used to do. [Yes, i checked her facebook profile but i didn't respond to them]

 

- I saw her yesterday at the shops. She was on the other side of the parking lot, but when she saw me, she waved, though she didn't come up to talk to me. [she was with her mother, but the wave was warm and affectionate. It was also like a shy wave, like she didn't want her mother to see.]

 

I've been in contact with her almost now for 5 weeks. Every action from her part gives me the "feeling" that she wants to talk to me. (after all, if she hated me or had 0 interest, she'd just ignore me, right?) But why isn't she contacting me?

 

How should i proceed?

[Ruby65]

It sounds like she's glad you've accepted being just friends now.

 

You're probably picking up genuinely mixed signals from her -- she's confused, because you had refused friendship and now you're acting friendly. Also she's likely torn because while she'd rather things were friendly between you, she's probably worried that you're reading more into your interactions than is there.

 

(Which, IMO anyway, you are.)

 

There's no "right way" to proceed from here. She said she wanted friendship only. If she ever changes her mind about that, she'll let you know. But usually how this plays out is that the more you make yourself available as a platonic buddy, the less likely she'll be missing you and rebuilding attraction.

[LoneWolf5493]

It sounds like she's glad you've accepted being just friends now.

 

You're probably picking up genuinely mixed signals from her -- she's confused, because you had refused friendship and now you're acting friendly. Also she's likely torn because while she'd rather things were friendly between you, she's probably worried that you're reading more into your interactions than is there.

 

(Which, IMO anyway, you are.)

 

There's no "right way" to proceed from here. She said she wanted friendship only. If she ever changes her mind about that, she'll let you know. But usually how this plays out is that the more you make yourself available as a platonic buddy, the less likely she'll be missing you and rebuilding attraction.

 

I haven't accepted her friendship, but i'm friendly with everyone. Not just her. No point being rude to her just because the feelings weren't mutual. That's the worst thing a person can do to someone. Last thing she needs is another person who doesn't want her around. I want her around, it's just up to her as to whether or not she wants to be around, but on my terms, not hers, otherwise i'm not interested.

 

I treat all women the same, with respect, kindness and in a charming manner. And she knows that i want to continue seeing her, i'm just not interested in being her male girlfriend. I want romance

[Ralph79]

I think you should entertain the possibility that the dating period wasn't necessarily a failure, and if it was, it doesn't really have to be your fault. I would consider it failure if she never wanted to even get near you afterwards.

 

She could have genuinely NOT have gotten over her boyfriend and if that's the case you should be grateful that this woman didn't lead you on for several months by making you mere rebound material.

 

I've advised people on these forums to deal with the hardship of breakups by meeting new people. Dating but not necessarily F... them nor going steady with them. Simply see what's out there and start realizing that there are good people with qualities that their eX's never had.

 

She seems like a nice girl worth befriending. My advice is to simply see her as a good friend for now.

 

Maybe this woman has gone through a tough breakup, like a lot of these posters, and sees you as the friend she needs at the moment, because from what you typed, I really don't see any malicious intent on her part.

[Ruby65]

I haven't accepted her friendship, but i'm friendly with everyone. Not just her. No point being rude to her just because the feelings weren't mutual. That's the worst thing a person can do to someone. Last thing she needs is another person who doesn't want her around. I want her around, it's just up to her as to whether or not she wants to be around, but on my terms, not hers, otherwise i'm not interested.

 

I treat all women the same, with respect, kindness and in a charming manner. And she knows that i want to continue seeing her, i'm just not interested in being her male girlfriend. I want romance

 

 

She has told you, she wants friendship or nothing.

 

You refused those terms and cut her off. Then you started acting friendly again. She assumes you've accepted her terms.

 

Regardless of what you say you do or don't want, your actions have shown her that you're now back on friendly terms.

[Ralph79]

She has told you, she wants friendship or nothing.

 

You refused those terms and cut her off. Then you started acting friendly again. She assumes you've accepted her terms.

 

Regardless of what you say you do or don't want, your actions have shown her that you're now back on friendly terms.

 

Clarifying, I think He was the one who made the "friends or nothing" ultimatum. But that's a moot point since the rest of your statement in essence still applies.

[Ruby65]

He gave her the ultimatum: romance or nothing.

 

Her reply was: friends only.

 

His response was to cut her off. Now he's come back around acting like a friend.... so this is likely how she sees him.

[SycamoreCircle]

In my experience, anytime you start to evaluate "the spirit world" for signs someone likes you, you're wasting your time. Yesterday, I was looking out the window. I saw out of the corner of my eye she was looking at me. When I turned my head, she quickly turned away. Sure, she may have been tossing the idea around of you as something more than a co-worker but that doesn't mean any of it will ever actualize. Also, all this alpha/beta talk I find to be hogwash. That's more applicable to an established relationship where the guy begins to exhibit selfish behavior. Girls don't gravitate to boys because they're cold or curt, they gravitate to warmth, humor, strength. The way you're able to selectively describe moments of alpha-ness, girls are perceptive enough to see through as a guy acting a part. And it is indeed that---acting.

 

Why make life so difficult for yourself? Be you. This girl is struggling over a past relationship. It takes time. Anything less when working next to a person and being helpful, affable and kind, is going to register as annoying, uncomfortable and stressful. Yeah, now there's the foundation for attraction...

[LoneWolf5493]

LONG RANT: READ AT OWN DISCRETION...

 

She is a sweet girl, and i do feel bad about my actions. There was no bad blood between us, we never argued or anything. I got afraid of losing her, so I started pushing her to be in a relationship, to which she rejected, rather than just enjoying my time with her. I got butt hurt about it.

 

That is what i meant by being a beta male. I should've been strong, and just had fun, but i got too serious too quickly. My inexperience didn't help much because i had no idea what i had to do with the fish i finally caught. I was shy and was always hiding my intentions and being the "nice guy" (i.e always there at her beck and call and never standing up for myself, and not going for what it is i wanted)

 

She wanted to be friends. When she friendzoned me, i cut contact with her and two days after she was begging for my friendship back. This was before i told her i wasn't interested in being just friends with her.

 

I refused the friendship because i see it as deceitful: I'm agreeing to be just friends with the "hopes" of something romantic later. I'm lying not only to myself, but to her as well and friendships based on lies never work out. From personal experience, it never ended well. I told her what i wanted. I'm cool with taking time and i'm cool if she doesn't want anything serious, but i can't bare to be her emotional tampon, so to speak. I see her romantically, which is another reason why i can't just be friends.

 

I remain friendly towards her, because there is no bad blood. I'm not a bad person even though i have my faults, and i can't be mad at someone because the feelings weren't mutual. If she had done ill towards me, then maybe it would be different, but it's because she didn't do anything wrong that i started being friendly towards her again. My actions and attitude up to that point weren't fair.

 

I left the door open for her to return on her own. I want it to be her decision, but as time goes by without contact, the harder it is to have faith that she will come back, if she comes back at all.

 

The signs confuse me too. Even my step dad tells me he sees something there; but she is a shy girl, who is also inexperienced in relationships. I think she is confused by what she wants, so i'm giving her the time to figure it out.

And the way i see it is: if she hated me, or truly wanted nothing to do with me, she wouldn't even give me the time of day. Yet she greets me, she talks to me, she accepts the gift of my presence. She laughs at my stupid jokes, and is always paying attention to what i'm doing. Which isn't congruent with someone with no interest.

 

I'm waiting for her to contact me, so i can take that opportunity and ask her out again. I want to see her, and i want to be there for her, but not just as a friend. But it's possible she's too shy to step forward; too uncertain. Maybe even afraid of being rejected by me again.

 

I'm getting impatient, and losing hope. In the meantime i'm learning more and more about it. Following a guy called Corey Wayne online (Who through his teachings, i learned about standing up for what i want, and walking away if i don't get it). I'm reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle so i can learn to get out of my mind, and more into the present moment. I'm working on myself so i can be the better, stronger person.

 

It's not easy, and i do get my moments of weakness, like now, where i just need to rant and get it out. But my friends and family have heard enough about it, so i rant online in the small hopes of certainty that what i'm doing is the right thing.

 

Oh and alpha male is just a title. I prefer 3% man: The 3% of men who actually get it... Although i'm still busy "getting it".

 

RANT OVER...

Edited February 14, 2015 by LoneWolf5493

[Ruby65]

You seem very focused on getting what YOU want.... without taking into account what she's told you SHE wants: which is to be friends -- and only friends.

 

In your mind, you might see yourself as being freed now from the friendzone and working towards a romantic relationship. But it's likely she still sees you as a friend and is relieved to have you being civil and friendly now at work.

 

To truly live *in the now* would be to accept what occurs between you without trying to control the outcome or manipulate her into having romantic feelings for you.

 

You've left the door open for her to approach you if she ever changes her mind. But you need to stop trying to push her through that open door. Leave things alone and if she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

 

If she had the ability to break up with you, she has the ability to reconcile. It's MUCH easier to ask for another chance than it is to break up with someone.

 

Best of luck, I hope things work out for you.

[elaine567]

She dumps me saying "she can't get over her ex; she's not looking for a relationship right now; and she doesn't feel for me the same as she did the other guys. But she wants to still be friends."

 

Listen to what she said, and not what you want to hear.

This is not about alpha/beta, the 3% or the dominant male, this is about a girl who has not got over her ex.

Getting involved with people who are still nursing hurts over old relationships and are still longing for exes is difficult for everyone concerned.

 

It wouldn't have mattered how you treated her, you are not her ex and deep down, he is who she still wants.

 

As the dumper, she made the decision, she is in control of her feelings, she is not the hurt one, so she can easily be just friends with you.

As the dumpee you are still emotionally involved, so dumpees find it difficult or not impossible to be just friends with the ex, as they want more.

If you continue to push it, despite being told repeatedly she just wants to be friends, then she will be obliged to cut you off completely.

At the moment she is aware she hurt you, so she is being extra nice to you. and is happy to be just friends; nothing more, nothing less.

 

You have to move on, for your own good.

[Ralph79]

I understand what you are saying. In essence, you don't want to be a figure in her life when she eventually meets Mr. Right. You don't want to build a close friendly relationship that's going to hurt even more then Mr. Right drives you apart, adding insult to injury.

 

Honestly, best advice I can give you is look elsewhere. You are too into this girl for this to be a healthy relationship for you, if it does materialize anytime soon.

[LoneWolf5493]

You seem very focused on getting what YOU want.... without taking into account what she's told you SHE wants: which is to be friends -- and only friends.

 

In your mind, you might see yourself as being freed now from the friendzone and working towards a romantic relationship. But it's likely she still sees you as a friend and is relieved to have you being civil and friendly now at work.

 

To truly live *in the now* would be to accept what occurs between you without trying to control the outcome or manipulate her into having romantic feelings for you.

 

You've left the door open for her to approach you if she ever changes her mind. But you need to stop trying to push her through that open door. Leave things alone and if she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

 

If she had the ability to break up with you, she has the ability to reconcile. It's MUCH easier to ask for another chance than it is to break up with someone.

 

Best of luck, I hope things work out for you.

 

I 100% respect what she wants, i never said that I didn't. But it goes both ways. What we both want was obviously not aligned; i wanted romance, she wanted friendship. I'm not the kind of guy who settles for less than what I want in life. If she weren't prepared to give it at that time, then i'm looking elsewhere. I'm focused on what i want, because it's what i want, and i work for it. I earn it.

 

Like buying a car... you want a Porsche but your "supplier" only has a VW Golf. Sure, many will say the golf is a means between A and B and all that, but deep down you want a Porsche. Most will settle for the golf, because its better than nothing, or they "don't want to hurt the supplier's feelings", but I don't do that. I'd rather work harder, and wait until i find the Porsche. I go in search of another supplier if i have to, but i'll still be polite, charming and friendly with the old supplier.

 

Same principle applies. I wanted romance, she didn't. She wanted friendship, but i wasn't prepared for that. I told her that, and left the door open for her to come back in her own time, if she decides she wants to give it another shot. I haven't since pushed the issue. In fact i haven't even talked to her outside of work. Even with the so called "signs" she may or may not be giving me. She has her space, i've never denied that from her.

 

Everyone should focus on what it is they want in life. The people that stick around, are those whose wants and aspirations are aligned with yours. Those who don't, well... that's obvious: they don't stick around but either way, your wants shouldn't change to suit others. That's why half the world is as miserable as it is.

 

Listen to what she said, and not what you want to hear.

This is not about alpha/beta, the 3% or the dominant male, this is about a girl who has not got over her ex.

Getting involved with people who are still nursing hurts over old relationships and are still longing for exes is difficult for everyone concerned.

 

It wouldn't have mattered how you treated her, you are not her ex and deep down, he is who she still wants.

 

As the dumper, she made the decision, she is in control of her feelings, she is not the hurt one, so she can easily be just friends with you.

As the dumpee you are still emotionally involved, so dumpees find it difficult or not impossible to be just friends with the ex, as they want more.

If you continue to push it, despite being told repeatedly she just wants to be friends, then she will be obliged to cut you off completely.

At the moment she is aware she hurt you, so she is being extra nice to you. and is happy to be just friends; nothing more, nothing less.

 

You have to move on, for your own good.

 

I know its tough, and I respect her decision. I haven't pushed the issue and don't plan too (for the past 5 weeks, the only contact i've had with her was at work, during which i give no indication of how i'm feeling. As far as she's concerned, i've moved on). She has the space she needs, and she is welcome to come back if she wants.

 

But, it's weird how this works... I've decided to move on today, for good. If she comes back, well... i'll decide then. If not, i'll find someone better. And it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders; and i'm beginning to understand what Eckhart Tolle speaks about...

 

I understand what you are saying. In essence, you don't want to be a figure in her life when she eventually meets Mr. Right. You don't want to build a close friendly relationship that's going to hurt even more then Mr. Right drives you apart, adding insult to injury.

 

Honestly, best advice I can give you is look elsewhere. You are too into this girl for this to be a healthy relationship for you, if it does materialize anytime soon.

 

I've moved on.... Literally clicked a few hours ago, that i don't have the time or energy, or "need" to worry about whether she comes back or not. If she comes back, she comes back.. if not, i don't really care. I'll find someone better I just have to learn from the mistakes i made, and apply the changes in the next "fling" that happens, when it happens.

Edited February 14, 2015 by LoneWolf5493

[Holmes85]

I dated this girl for a month, during which i acted like a total beta male which turned her off. She dumps me saying "she can't get over her ex; she's not looking for a relationship right now; and she doesn't feel for me the same as she did the other guys. But she wants to still be friends."

 

First, you dated this girl for a month and you are acting like it's been a year or two with her.

 

Second, forget this alpha / beta thing and start acting like a normal person.

 

Third you were her rebound.

 

Her Ex or someone else is in the picture and that's why she's pulling the still be friends card to keep you on the hook.

 

I start reading books on attraction and started learning where i went wrong (yes, it was completely my fault, and i take full responsibility).

 

These books are a total waste of time and it's pure garbage. If these books are that succesful why isn't everybody buying it and getting back together based on their advice?

 

2 days after christmas, i tell her after our shift together that i'm not interested in being just friends and that i'd like to continue seeing her. If she changes her mind about just being friends, then she must give me a call because i'd like to hang out with her.

 

You did pretty good here.

 

3 days after new years, i'm working with her again, and i think "**** it!" and i ask her out again. Gives me a maybe, to which i reply, "let me know when your schedule clears up and we'll make plans then."

 

Bad move.

 

She messages me 2 days later on facebook asking where we stood and that she just wants to be friends. To which i stand my ground and say i'm not interested in that, and that if that's all she wanted then we should stop talking and go our separate ways. But if she changes her mind, she knows where to get hold of me." She responds with an "Ok, well i just want to be friends" and a few seconds later "Wish you all the best for the future blah blah blah"

 

You should have went No Contact with her when she first mentioned that she just wanted to be friends, but it's never too late to do the right thing.

 

Since then i haven't heard from her, but there are a few things i've noticed and am starting to notice:

 

- On my birthday, she writes happy birthday on my wall. [Which was after i walked away from her friendship. I just liked it, that's all, but i liked everyone's]

 

She feels guilty and wants you to keep the door open for her...in case she changes her mind (meaning you are her backup plan for now).

 

- She is always at the top of my facebook chat list [though this isn't much to go by, but i haven't engaged conversation with her since she said her good bye (been 4.5 weeks now), or even checked her facebook profile, which i've unfollowed]

 

Remove her from everywhere.

 

- I worked a double shift with her. When i return from my lunch she gives me a warm, drawn out "Heyyyy!" [While working with her, i act as though she isn't there, unless she talks to me. I greeted her back, but went about my business afterwards]

 

-When we work together, she is always looking over at me. If my phone makes a sound, she looks; if i'm talking with a customer, she is listening; if i tell a stupid joke to a customer, she laughs.

 

- One evening i was taking over a shift from her, she walks past me. She makes, and keeps eye contact with me until she walks past. [i paid no attention to it, though i did notice it. I kept the eye contact to maintain my strength and dominance]

 

- I was leaving work and she was taking over. I ignored her and pretended like she wasn't there, though i did say hey when she entered. She wasn't at all happy about me ignoring her. [it was just a vibe i got from her; i felt it. I also ignored it and carried on with my day]

 

Then i decided to stop being a cold dick towards her [after all, no one deserves it and she didn't do anything wrong, right?]

 

- I worked with her soon after this decision. At first it's a little awkward, but i ask how's she doing, to which she responded briefly and then reciprocated.

 

- As the evening draws on, a regular customer comes in and jokes that i'm dressed the way i am because i'm trying to fix things with my gf. She was not happy at the thought.

 

- I started getting mischievous: I bantered with her, playfully picked on her, joked with her, and was just plain outrageous and stupid. She laughs, she reciprocates the banter, and she starts to have fun. I even caught her following me at one point, but she caught her self and continued on to pretend that she was looking at something [which btw, she had already done a few moments before i walked, which is how i know she was following me]

 

- She's started posting things like "Hey everybody!" on her facebook status, and other things to "get attention" which she NEVER used to do. [Yes, i checked her facebook profile but i didn't respond to them]

 

- I saw her yesterday at the shops. She was on the other side of the parking lot, but when she saw me, she waved, though she didn't come up to talk to me. [she was with her mother, but the wave was warm and affectionate. It was also like a shy wave, like she didn't want her mother to see.]

 

I've been in contact with her almost now for 5 weeks. Every action from her part gives me the "feeling" that she wants to talk to me. (after all, if she hated me or had 0 interest, she'd just ignore me, right?) But why isn't she contacting me?

 

How should i proceed?

 

If she has the "balls" to breakup with you, she should also have the balls to come clean and make her intentions clear, since she isn't you shouldn't contact her about anything.

[tam1984]

You know the term "no means no"? That doesn't just apply to sex...that also applies to relationships.

 

Everything I've read from you...there's this sense of entitlement that shouldn't be. You aren't the only person who has a say in whether or not you two have anything....she obviously has a say. She said no. Move on. Just because you want a relationship her doesn't mean you're entitled to a relationship with her. If she wanted to be with you should would've told you that she too wanted more when you gave her that ultimatum. She seemed unhappy when you were cold to her because, well, that would upset anyone. Maybe she saw valuable friend qualities in you and was disappointed that you pretty much reduced her to a sexual/romantic conquest as opposed to treating her like a human being. As shocking as it may seem, it IS possible for a male and female to be friends without the prospect of sex...when the man looks at the woman as less of an object to "take" and more as another human being. Just a thought.

 

As far as her behavior now...she's trying to be nice. Your ultimatum sends off the message of someone who is still torn up over the breakup and she probably feels bad.When you send out warm messages to her, she tries to be kind back.

 

You're overanalyzing everything. Move on.

[LoneWolf5493]

You know the term "no means no"? That doesn't just apply to sex...that also applies to relationships.

 

Everything I've read from you...there's this sense of entitlement that shouldn't be. You aren't the only person who has a say in whether or not you two have anything....she obviously has a say. She said no. Move on. Just because you want a relationship her doesn't mean you're entitled to a relationship with her. If she wanted to be with you should would've told you that she too wanted more when you gave her that ultimatum. She seemed unhappy when you were cold to her because, well, that would upset anyone. Maybe she saw valuable friend qualities in you and was disappointed that you pretty much reduced her to a sexual/romantic conquest as opposed to treating her like a human being. As shocking as it may seem, it IS possible for a male and female to be friends without the prospect of sex...when the man looks at the woman as less of an object to "take" and more as another human being. Just a thought.

 

As far as her behavior now...she's trying to be nice. Your ultimatum sends off the message of someone who is still torn up over the breakup and she probably feels bad.When you send out warm messages to her, she tries to be kind back.

 

You're overanalyzing everything. Move on.

 

I walked away. I didn't press the issue. I didn't force her. I'm not manipulating her. I'm just going on with my own life, and letting her go her own way. I don't own her, and neither did i force her to do anything. Since the last time i asked her out, and walked away after saying no to friendship, i haven't since spoken to her. Everything you read here, is between me and the computer screen; she doesn't know anything about it.

 

Just because i see her as a romantic interest, doesn't mean i don't treat her like a human being, or treat her like a sex object. She was a good girl, we had a lot of things in common and our time together was great. But as i said, i can't be friends with someone i have romantic interest in. A) that's deceitful: I'd only be befriending them to get in their pants. B) it's painful: you end up the emotional tampon whenever she gets heartbroken by some other douchebag who "got in her pants". I've been through that before, i aint doing it again.

 

And yes, entitlement. Because i deserve what i want in life, just like everyone. I work for it, and i fight for it. I might not be entitled to a relationship with her in particular, but i do deserve to find happiness, and to do the things i want to do.