daiquiridrinker Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) Hey there, it's quite a complicated subject for me, so I'm going to elaborate a bit - sorry in advance if it will be too long, just as I'm seeking advice I want to give all the possibly important details. So, recently I found myself in a rather confusing situation and now I try to think it over and decide what to do, as I'm a real noob in terms of ralatiosnhips, probably facing a serious thing for the first time... but without a crush I believe Background of being a noob: I'm 30, havent been in a relationship since like 8 years (and that one was a mere half year one). The reason is not that I have any problems with women in general but rather that I'm a bit too picky and dont like to waste time. Last 8 years I've spent meeting women, sleeping with them for a few weeks and then dumping them casue of 1) being bored, 2) knowing it won't be anything more (no issues, I always try to make it clear that it can be at most friends with benefits and I'm not into relation). So basically I dont date for the sake of dating, having anyone just to be with, I'm going well being single and sometimes just fullfill the sex drive (average, really, I dont put much effort here too). It's not an issue of not being able to date (Im good looking, guess quite interesting, earn well above average, always have women around me), just that I don't want to try , date, test how it goes just fot the sake of finding the right one. However, recently (since like a year) I finally feel like building a serious relationship (not for a few months, ultimate one), just didn't put the effort yet. Now, to the subject: I changed job like 8 months ago and in the new place I met an interresting girl. Nothing has happened at the beginning, I was obviously interested, but she wasnt single (and it stays this way as for now) so I havent even show the interest. However, with time passing by, we got a bit closer, knowing each other and it comes out we complement eachother pretty well. We got similar interests, way of thinking, needs and so on. Also, I became a bit of a supporter for her in various deals, what possibly is the reason of getting closer from both sides. However, important thing is that there wasn't and there is no a passionate crush, not butterflies, we both arent crazy about us. The thing is though, that some time ago things started to develop into slightly other way: - I realised that I would actually want to be with her, she now knows it (maybe not 100% sure but shes aware of my feelings), - I think that her relationship doesnt go too well, its more like for the sake of being with someone, - she's got jelous about me and shows it openly, - she realises she has a similar problem to me (me with her, her with me), Last week we went out together, talked a bit, things went a bit more clear as she said no to my plans of possibly moving abroad, speaking that she has different plans connected with me and if her boyfirend won't propose to her soon enough... At this point I said in a joking way that I will do it and I noticed she completely understands it. We talked a bit more about the issue, but no statements. Next days usual signs of jealousy and a statement form her that she needs to give herself a rest in the context of me (but in a warm way, the overtone was that she's having a problem with the situation). Now, to the point (thanks if you survided untill here!): - I thought it over and Im sure now that I could bear the situation and take the responsibility of interferring with her life, - She's in a relationship, lives with this guy and so on, ... and wondering how to do this. What could be my next move towards taking her out of her relationship and building something together. I dont have any problem with working this out slowly, remember that there is no crush, passion or anything like that involved, it can't be done as a typical work romance where we jump into eachother pretty fast without thinking, it's rather about both of us realising whats going on, as she sends signals that I'm someone who could be right choice for her and shes possibly interested. Any advice? Thanks! Edited February 14, 2015 by daiquiridrinker Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 None of it matter unless and until she is single. You're Plan B if Plan A doesn't work out (i.e. her boyfriend proposing) Don't waste your time with someone who isn't available. If she really wanted to date you, she'd have ended it with her boyfriend. The fact that she hasn't done that says a lot. She's having her cake and wanting to eat it too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daiquiridrinker Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 None of it matter unless and until she is single. You're Plan B if Plan A doesn't work out (i.e. her boyfriend proposing) Don't waste your time with someone who isn't available. If she really wanted to date you, she'd have ended it with her boyfriend. The fact that she hasn't done that says a lot. She's having her cake and wanting to eat it too. That's what I think seeing various experiences Just decided that this time maybe I would give it a try and work on her changing to being single. Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 That's what I think seeing various experiences Just decided that this time maybe I would give it a try and work on her changing to being single. - I thought it over and Im sure now that I could bear the situation and take the responsibility of interferring with her life, - She's in a relationship, lives with this guy and so on, ... and wondering how to do this. What could be my next move towards taking her out of her relationship and building something together. Dude. Not cool. When I first opened this thread I was pretty sympathetic, having been in an ambiguously flirtatious situation with a guy who was dating someone at the time. I understand we don't live in a vacuum where we're only attracted to single people. And it seems like you've gone about this the correct way: you've had a mature conversation about how you both feel. Good for you. But your role ends there, period. There is nothing else you can do. Telling someone you have feelings for them is not a crime; nobody left a happy, healthy relationship because of someone else. But anything beyond the conversation you just had---i.e. your idea to "work on her changing to being single"---is an attempt to sabotage her relationship. You would be going from a catalyst of the breakup to a principle cause. You would be the central antagonist in a traumatic decision, flagrantly disregarding her boyfriend's feelings and manipulating hers. Are you comfortable with that? You've had your talk, and from this point forward you should give her space to decide for herself. If you were to do anything else at this point it would imply that you don't think she would choose you of her own volition. Don't you trust her judgment? If she wants to be with you, she will break up with her boyfriend and be with you. If she doesn't, she won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OrangeParty Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Dude. Not cool. Agree. Honestly, your thread title is all we needed to know. Don't be that guy. As long as she is not single, she is not available, and all you can do is wait, or move on, but don't be that guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daiquiridrinker Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Dude. Not cool. When I first opened this thread I was pretty sympathetic, having been in an ambiguously flirtatious situation with a guy who was dating someone at the time. I understand we don't live in a vacuum where we're only attracted to single people. And it seems like you've gone about this the correct way: you've had a mature conversation about how you both feel. Good for you. But your role ends there, period. There is nothing else you can do. Telling someone you have feelings for them is not a crime; nobody left a happy, healthy relationship because of someone else. But anything beyond the conversation you just had---i.e. your idea to "work on her changing to being single"---is an attempt to sabotage her relationship. You would be going from a catalyst of the breakup to a principle cause. You would be the central antagonist in a traumatic decision, flagrantly disregarding her boyfriend's feelings and manipulating hers. Are you comfortable with that? You've had your talk, and from this point forward you should give her space to decide for herself. If you were to do anything else at this point it would imply that you don't think she would choose you of her own volition. Don't you trust her judgment? If she wants to be with you, she will break up with her boyfriend and be with you. If she doesn't, she won't. I see your point and thanks for the comment. Just to clarify: by 'working on' I didnt mean any kind of manipulation. Rather than that, I just wanted to express that as I'm not used to sit and wait, my main problem right now is if I should do something more, and if yes - what (seriously, no idea), or should I leave it like it goes. No bad intentions or planning moves to 'convince her' - the reason for this question was that it's a relatively new situation for me. Link to post Share on other sites
OrangeParty Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 But what can you do? Nothing. You said she already knows how you feel about her. What else can you do? Keep hanging around her hoping she'll change her mind? That's what "that guy" does. That's manipulation. That's the "nice guy syndrome". Keep her as a friend if you want, but put any attempts at a relationship to rest. Move on, find another woman. If sometime in the future, she breaks up with her boyfriend and say, "Daquiri, I like you, will you be my Valentine?", then that's the time you say yes. Until that happens, she's not available, and she's just another person you work with at your job. Link to post Share on other sites
BeatsByDirk Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I totally understand your situation... Give up, you can't win! I did this, no matter what approach you take there is no path to victory. It's a waste of time and the more time you spend not getting what you set out to get the more sucked in a frustrated you will become. A girl like her wants to be with an a**h*le, she just can't function like that all the time so she needs a nice guy to balance out the negative in her life, essentially taking the two of you and averaging out the difference for some sort of normal life in her head. You should take a step back and are her for selfish little beat she is... Oh wait you are willing to take her from her man, you are just as selfish as her, hence, a perfect match! . . . Not so much, that way of thinking is bad, 2 wrongs don't make a right! I spent two years doing this(a lot more if you count everytime she's contacted me outta the blue), was there through the engagement, calls for the bachelorette part, when they couldn't pregnant, after they got pregnant. I didn't reciprocate after the engagement but there's no end to the selfish have it both ways crap. She will never choose you because you aren't enough on your own. She's so self important she think she needs two people to satisfy her needs. When you come to strong she'll play cold, if you take a break she'll turn on the jets! You are most likely the one being played! She's the player she makes the moves Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 As much as she may seem like a great match otherwise, the fact that she's in a relationship with somebody else vetoes all of that. I would stay away from her and try to meet other girls. Just because you haven't become emotionally invested in her yet doesn't guarantee you won't. At that point, it would be a lot harder to extricate yourself from the situation. I'd also point out that she has no incentive to make a decision as long as she knows you're sticking around waiting for her, except that she already has made a decision. She's stated that if her boyfriend were to propose, she'd accept. He's her first choice of who she wants to spend her life with. You shouldn't have to compete with that. I know you want to believe that your situation is different, that you're the exception to the rule. So does everybody else. It rarely ends well. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I'm going to disagree with everybody, to a point. As to the propriety of this, I think there are two states. Married and single. She's single, and as such, she's fair game. She's right. He needs to put a ring on it to secure his claim. You're perfectly entitled to try to entice her over to you until he does. I did that and ended up marrying the woman. I owed nothing to her boyfriend. That said, her response to your advances is interesting. She's willing to wait a little while for him to propose marriage, which I take to mean that you are out of the picture if that happens. If he doesn't, she'll give you a shot. Hmmm. ExPatinItaly is right. You are Plan B. If you're going to do this right, you need to get her to go out with you and dump the boyfriend fast. That's what I did, and it worked out. But what troubles me about your situation is that she is willing to marry him. I never faced that. I think if I had, I'd probably have bailed instead of pursued. Your next conversation with her ought to include a discussion of that - why she's willing to marry the guy. That conversation will tell you everything you need to know about her and whether this is a good idea or not. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 You need to talk to her and ask her if she'd seriously consider marrying that guy while she's this interested in another guy. She may tell you she's not really that interested in you and was only kidding. She may tell you she would like to date you. I do think you should be sure she knows you're not kidding. But once she digests that she either needs to leave him or leave you -- because you do not want to be with someone who just cheats on the guy she's waiting for a proposal from and you do not want to be that guy either. She might be kidding. Some people are just flirtatious and will say things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Sounds like nothing can really happen until she is single right? Sorry you are going through this! Link to post Share on other sites
Mizz Layta Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I agree with everyone. You won't be serious with her if she has a bf. Keep being friends with her but I'd work on distancing yourself. If she asks why, tell her that she knows about your feelings, and you don't want to have them for someone who is in a relationship, so you're backing off. Her response will say a lot. If she tries to keep you around and not break up with the guy, then you know she just wants her cake and eat it too You never know what she's doing right now. She could be: - keeping you as a spare tire - keeping you as an ego boost So basically you should tell her to make a choice. If she decides to stay in her relationship, then you should leave her and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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