18 year age gap..

[strawberries]

Okay I'm very young. I'm 16 years old. I feel like I want other's opinions on this.

About 2 months ago I started talking to a 34 year old guy who is the son of a close family friend. We get on well and we're just into all the same stuff, it's great. I'm quite mature for my age and I guess I act older (in a good way) than to other girls my age. He suffers from depression and one night I was basically giving him a pep talk over text, said if he needed to talk at any time I'd be there blah blah, and that night he had text me at 2am complaining about his sore mouth.

 

I text back and he said ''I could really do with some pain relief. If I kissed you would you freak out??''. Now I really wasn't expecting that. He doesn't scare me and I know he would never try anything, he's a good guy. But because of the obvious age gap and the fact I wasn't aware he even liked me in that way, I was taken aback. So I sort of just replied like ''Haha of course not'' because y'know I didn't want to seem freaked out.

I suffer anxiety and I started feeling quite nauseous about it probably because I was so shocked. I text him telling him to leave me alone for 10 minutes or so, and he was all like ''Is it what I said?? I'm so so sorry I will never say anything silly like that again'' He was not drunk when he said it.

 

This was a few weeks ago and I don't feel threatened by it or anything. I'm just trying to work out what it MEANS. When I next saw him in person, he said he didn't know why he said it but he didn't feel bad about it. I've not brought it up again. I do really really like him though. He seems younger than he is. But, although he's not going to say stuff like that again, he is still thinking it right? Does this mean he's attracted to me?

 

Sorry this is so long.

[StalwartMind]

I'll try give you some perhaps different input as almost nothing is black and white simple, despite many like to make it seem so. Also depending on where you live, you may be of legal/illegal age to get involved in a relationship. With that out of the way I think you can pretty much conclude that he does feel something for you. Maybe it's a sincere comfort, he is more than aware of the age difference too, but such things may not always be a factor to some people.

 

Girls typically are more mature at your age than boys, and some a lot more than others. You'll also find people in their 30s and for that matter even older that actually mentality wise or just plain maturity still are very "young". Yes there is an age gap but you say he seems younger than he is and I can more than imagine that is actually the case.

 

It was pretty blunt of him to say what he did, I guess it can be argued too if that was appropriate or not, but again it depends on the exact situation and how things in general are between you. When I was around your age, a bit older, one of my female friends actually dated someone who was in his late 20s. Many frowned upon such and like "he's sooo old", but really, if you go out and about in life you'll see there are couples with many years between them.

 

You are young and as such there are many things you'll ponder, it's not for me or anyone else to push you in one way or the other, as you shall always be the one deciding what course of action you take in life. I'm just trying to make you aware of how other people are too, despite it may be examples found in the minority. Truthfully we find friends, lovers, partners in all ages, and that in itself is rather amazing. There's always the chance someone will have devious plans with you, but if you learn to protect yourself you can be on guard to handle most situations.

 

Bringing up what he asked you can be difficult, as he may be afraid of what you are really thinking of him. He more than likely realizes that most people in our society would look ill upon any sort of relationship, especially because you are so young. Despite that you could do well with clearing the air a bit between you, just to find out where you both stand and that doesn't have to mean one thing or the other. I'm sure you are responsible enough and have thought about this a good bit.

 

It just feels more honest giving to an answer like above instead of telling you, to just run away and ignore this man, he is too old for you, no matter what type of relationship/friendship you may have. I don't advice for or against any type of relationship, rather that people explore and learn themselves and find out what and how they feel about any given situation.

 

Besides you've reached an age where a lot of things are interesting, just don't let anyone ever tell you what is right or wrong, you'll find that our yourself, but do respect any given law relevant to your location to not get yourself or anyone else in trouble.

[strawberries]

I'll try give you some perhaps different input as almost nothing is black and white simple, despite many like to make it seem so. Also depending on where you live, you may be of legal/illegal age to get involved in a relationship. With that out of the way I think you can pretty much conclude that he does feel something for you. Maybe it's a sincere comfort, he is more than aware of the age difference too, but such things may not always be a factor to some people.

 

Girls typically are more mature at your age than boys, and some a lot more than others. You'll also find people in their 30s and for that matter even older that actually mentality wise or just plain maturity still are very "young". Yes there is an age gap but you say he seems younger than he is and I can more than imagine that is actually the case.

 

It was pretty blunt of him to say what he did, I guess it can be argued too if that was appropriate or not, but again it depends on the exact situation and how things in general are between you. When I was around your age, a bit older, one of my female friends actually dated someone who was in his late 20s. Many frowned upon such and like "he's sooo old", but really, if you go out and about in life you'll see there are couples with many years between them.

 

You are young and as such there are many things you'll ponder, it's not for me or anyone else to push you in one way or the other, as you shall always be the one deciding what course of action you take in life. I'm just trying to make you aware of how other people are too, despite it may be examples found in the minority. Truthfully we find friends, lovers, partners in all ages, and that in itself is rather amazing. There's always the chance someone will have devious plans with you, but if you learn to protect yourself you can be on guard to handle most situations.

 

Bringing up what he asked you can be difficult, as he may be afraid of what you are really thinking of him. He more than likely realizes that most people in our society would look ill upon any sort of relationship, especially because you are so young. Despite that you could do well with clearing the air a bit between you, just to find out where you both stand and that doesn't have to mean one thing or the other. I'm sure you are responsible enough and have thought about this a good bit.

 

It just feels more honest giving to an answer like above instead of telling you, to just run away and ignore this man, he is too old for you, no matter what type of relationship/friendship you may have. I don't advice for or against any type of relationship, rather that people explore and learn themselves and find out what and how they feel about any given situation.

 

Besides you've reached an age where a lot of things are interesting, just don't let anyone ever tell you what is right or wrong, you'll find that our yourself, but do respect any given law relevant to your location to not get yourself or anyone else in trouble.

 

Thank you for such a long reply. I'm not planning on having a sexual relationship with him or even a relationship. I respect the fact that he likes me a lot though and I like him a lot too. I know what people would think about our relationship but I don't care, I won't stop seeing him because of that. He has said he doesn't think of me as a child. But he has always acted perfectly respectable around me all the times we've been alone together too, so I do trust him completely. It's just hard to know where I stand because he can confuse me. One minute I'm getting the feeling he doesn't like me in that way at all and then the next minute he says something like that. The most intimate we've got is giving long, close hugs. For like 20 seconds maybe. Which isn't really intimate at all.

But now that I know the way he thinks of me, I actually feel those same feelings for him too now? I'm quite shy so I would never express those feelings first. I'm not even physically attracted to him like at all. But I love him because of who he is, yeah that's cringey as hell haha. But if I was to just look at a picture of him without ever meeting him I'd definitely not give him any thought. I do love hugging him though

[CrystalShine2011]

I was in a relationship with a guy 14 years older, he being 35.

 

Even that big of an age gap is noticeable, but please please wait until you are drinking age to enter into it if you do actually like him. The changes from 18 to 21 (or whatever the drinking age is where you are) are crucial.

 

Best of luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Strawberries,

 

Remember how it was on the playground in elementary school, at recess... when you were playing kickball... and there was always one 5th grader guy who would spend his recess playing kickball with the 3rd graders? (he got more attention, and he was relatively more competitive than when with his own age group)

 

Well that's this guy...

 

 

I know somebody who would somehow try to get your mind to reach age 34 on its own, just for one thought... and then he would want that thought to be: "imagine your peers, at that point, showing interest in a sixteen-year-old... and you will wretch at the thought".

 

 

 

I think this insecure guy was indeed testing the waters to see whether you would be responsive to the crazy notion in his mind of trying to get something from you, physically/sexually.

 

No doubt it feels nice for you to be there for somebody who could use a listening ear, but I am guessing that, even IF he is sincere and non-threatening, the degree of what he needs, mentally/emotionally, is bound to be enough so that it would prove to have a negative impact upon you.

[Els]

If you were 30 and 48 respectively, I would've said that maybe it's not a big deal. But at 16, you're not even a legal adult yet...

 

What do your parents think about what he said to you? Do they know?

[CC12]

But, although he's not going to say stuff like that again, he is still thinking it right? Does this mean he's attracted to me?

 

I'm certain he will say stuff like that again (or try something physical.) And I believe he is still thinking it, and that yes, he is attracted to you.

 

So what will you do if he brings it up again? If he tries to kiss you, would you let him? Tell him to stop?

[strawberries]

Thanks for the replies. And what would you guys say if I said he did try to kiss me? And that I didn't go along with it and he apologised?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Strawberries,

 

 

I thought of another thing that is really important for you to remind yourself:

 

 

(and that is that)

 

 

It is perfectly o-kAAAAAAAAAAAAY (and natural!!!) for a young woman to feeeeeeeeeeel flattered BY the attention OF an older guy (esp. if it is one you perceive to have lots of other options).

 

 

So that means that only one side of the equation is wrong... and it's his viewpoint.

 

It is precisely for the reason that only his viewpoint is wrong that we hold responsible only the older suitor for what are in most cases such inappropriate interactions.

 

Unfortunately, the warm/nice feelings known to many young women in your situation are central to why such schemes work in so many cases - as it is challenging to inspire teens to move away from the seeming source of such fair and natural feelings (again: fair and natural that a young person is flattered by the attention of a much older person).

 

 

The additional admission that he attempted to kiss you... is just a hint that he is merely working on you... with the intent of eventually bringing down your barriers (to his advances).

 

If this guy's mind was working appropriately I'd tell him to (effectively) "go back and play with the fifth graders"...

 

But of course I'm sure both you and I can see the danger in my saying such a thing...

[strawberries]

This is super awkward but when we hugged yesterday he basically got hard. I could feel it and yeah I just.... awkwardness. I thought he did when we hugged before but that was when we were out in the dark and he was obviously wearing like a loose hoody and sweatpants so I didn't feel it as much. But yesterday we were inside and it was light and he was just wearing a tshirt & boxers so it was quite obvious. He didn't say anything and I'm not sure if he realizes that I saw but I felt awkward, I definitely wasn't gonna make a joke out of it or anything.

 

And we were alone and he didn't try anything in spite of that so this is how I know he's not a danger to me or anything despite what you guys are probably thinking haha. But I would never let it get sexual. At least not till I'm older, never say never I guess.

 

But me being so young I've honestly never had to deal with that before haha, I wasn't expecting it at all??

[stillmind]

Hi strawberries,

 

If the attention of a man -- regardless of his age -- is making you uncomfortable, you have EVERY RIGHT to stop communicating with him. Don't feel bad for him or obligated to hug and talk to him. I remember it being hard to reject guys in high school, it felt awkward and I didn't want to be seen as mean or bitchy, but seriously, you are under no obligation to allow a man old enough to be your father to rub his boner against you.

 

I think you should stop communicating with him if he can't act appropriately around you. You don't have to put up with uncomfortable late night texts or boner-rubbing hugs, and you shouldn't. He might not be aggressive but IMO he is dangerous because he's pushing your boundaries and you don't know how to deal with it.

[strawberries]

Hi strawberries,

 

If the attention of a man -- regardless of his age -- is making you uncomfortable, you have EVERY RIGHT to stop communicating with him. Don't feel bad for him or obligated to hug and talk to him. I remember it being hard to reject guys in high school, it felt awkward and I didn't want to be seen as mean or bitchy, but seriously, you are under no obligation to allow a man old enough to be your father to rub his boner against you.

 

I think you should stop communicating with him if he can't act appropriately around you. You don't have to put up with uncomfortable late night texts or boner-rubbing hugs, and you shouldn't. He might not be aggressive but IMO he is dangerous because he's pushing your boundaries and you don't know how to deal with it.

 

It's not making me uncomfortable but I can't tell my friends in real life so.

He didn't rub it against me. I'm only defending him here because that's obviously not something he can control.

[blackcat777]

I have to echo strong agreement with everything stillmind posted above.

 

Any person, regardless of age, should respect your boundaries and not make unwanted advances. He's not respecting your boundaries, and quite frankly, it seems like he might be testing the boundaries to slowly steamroll right over them.

 

Also, he might not be able to control getting a boner, but trust me, he CAN control what he does with it, which would include refraining from inappropriate hugs.

 

I also say this with huge empathy to your situation, please don't misunderstand. I'm late 20s and my boyfriend is a college freshman. Our relationship works, however, for two reasons: one, I respect his boundaries, and two, I have strong boundaries of my own. Both of these are so important.

 

Because I cared about him so much, in the beginning of our relationship, I was horrified of unconsciously pushing him toward any kind of behavior that he wasn't comfortable with... I never, ever pushed his limits because I respect him and his developmental pace. We ALWAYS communicate. My solution to this is letting him set the pace. The age gap isn't the problem; the fact that this guy isn't taking your boundaries into consideration, especially when there is a VAST life experience gap between you, is the issue that requires honest examination.

 

Secondly, as a woman (this is one of the things that took me the longest to learn, growing up ), you absolutely MUST have strong boundaries. Say no to ANYTHING that doesn't gel with you, that isn't comfortable. Speak up and say no. Only you can dictate how other people treat you. Either you allow them to treat you properly, or you turn and walk away. Therefore, if someone wants to be in your life, they treat you how you deserve to be treated, or they lose that privilege. Your love, time, attention, mental resources, these are GIFTS, and you want to give them to people that will appreciate and respect them... not people that will keep pushing to see what they can take. This goes for anyone of any age.

 

Finally, hypothetically, say the two of you did have a serious chat, he's horribly embarrassed for the miscommunication involving your boundaries (which... given his experience, he should really be aware of at this point in life, something else to consider)... if you are not living as an independent adult, there will be a lot of roadblocks to a successful relationship, and if you are only two months in to getting to know this guy, it might be better to cut your losses and not get emotionally invested.

 

There is a lot of unsolicited judgment passed on age gap relationships, and a lot of it does come from the intent to protect the younger partner from predatory situations. There is a kernel of wisdom in it. For really radically gapped relationships to pull through, both partners have to be so strong in their resolve to be together... and this, too, is rooted in a deep respect and admiration for each other. Social friction can be hurtful, no matter how strong you are; it wasn't until this relationship that I experientially empathized with all other people whose love was scorned for prejudiced reasons, I can't imagine what homosexual and interracial couples are forced to deal with sometimes.

 

I don't doubt that you may be mature enough to interface with someone older than you; however, from the way you've shared your story, this guy you're writing about sets off some serious alarm bells in my mind, and I say this as both a supporter of age gap relationships and a woman who had to learn her boundaries the hard way.

 

Things also become increasingly difficult when you can't tell friends or family. My friends LOVE my boyfriend, and his friends are tight with me. Only his mom, who he doesn't even live with, isn't accepting, and it still puts him into tears from time to time. It can be really tough, and it does concern me that you think you couldn't tell anyone.

 

It's also never safe to be isolated from friends and family while you're in a relationship; this is always a dangerous situation to be in, because it makes you more vulnerable. One red flag to look for in any relationship is a partner that isolates you from your life in any way (whether intentionally or not).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Strawberries,

 

 

While it may be true of a 14yo boy on the school bus that he can't control his erection in response to whatever he thinks or sees at the time, a 34yo man who is grooming a young girl to eventually take advantage of her can very clearly "control" his sexual arousal surrounding said girl.

 

This guy is merely trying to weaken your resistance and softening you up for his later and greater advances.

 

So far, his ploy seems to be working, as you are so drawn to the attention that you are not reporting him.

[imtooconfused]

If you were 30 and 48 respectively, I would've said that maybe it's not a big deal. But at 16, you're not even a legal adult yet...

 

I am really sorry to state the obvious but it sounds really creepy that this older man is having any kind of regular hugging/kissing relationship with a 16 year old girl. Two adults with widely different ages is not the same as what this guy is doing. Just think about what must be going on in his mind to be hanging around with you like that.

[strawberries]

But tbh, up until now our relationship had never been flirty or sexual. It had just been us getting to know eachother as friends and it was great. But if a guy is friends with a girl then I guess he WOULD start to have feelings for her as he gets to know her?? Even if he didn't find her attractive before he really knew her. That's just what I think anyway. Because I'm pretty sure he wasn't attracted to me when we first started talking really.

 

With the whole kiss thing, I said ''don't'' and he said ''okay'' and then apologised for it. But when he did kiss me I didn't pull away from him. I let it happen but I didn't feel threatened. So tbh I'm not really sure. I'm quite confused.

 

But it's not like he goes around preying on teenage girls. It just so happens that I am a teenage girl, it's not that he goes round looking for them. Trust me on that one.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Strawberries,

 

 

You are... metaphorically... a sincere and deserving young 3rd grader on the playfield... and he is a 5th grader wanting, at some point, to take advantage of you.

 

It's fine while everybody is on the playfield, having fun... particularly when there is a playground supervisor around and keeping an eye on everybody, but it just shouldn't be, that two people so far apart, should be that close.

 

 

Now of course, by high school, it is generally OK for a Senior to date a Sophomore... aaaaaaand, in most Elementary schools which go K-through-6, there is a hint of two people in 6th grade maybe holding hands romantically... but just think how wrong it would uuuuuusually be for a 5th grader to be seemingly 'dating' a 3rd grader, based almost entirely on their relative stages of development.

 

Then consider that the 5th grader and the 3rd grader are far nearer in terms of relative emotional development than are you and this older man.

 

The challenge here is to both make it clear to you that it is ok, and natural for you to feel drawn to, and flattered BY his attention... while at the same time trying to help you to effectively step outside of yourself AND be able to see the big picture (which includes being able to imagine yourself at age 34, being around a 34yo guy, who was spending too much time and energy ON someone who is 16 ).

 

That he kissed you makes it abundantly clear to all that HE (and he alone) is in the wrong.

 

 

But how do we present it so you are allowed to feel OK about yourself, and your own individual feelings about the interaction(s)... while also seeing the big picture, and resisting something which almost can't end for you in positive fashion??

 

If you were to walk away now, at least the negatives would only be very mild. The potential is only for worse...

[strawberries]

I know. And I know Im being stupid. But he isn't like super clingy or anything, we go days without texting and if anything it's probably me that's more clingy in that sense.

I don't see him THAT often, I mean I have school so. I see him some weekends. I'm not seeing him this weekend but maybe the weekend after. So I'll keep this thread updated, and anyone can feel free to post and tell me what they're thinking

[Quiet Storm]

He's grooming you, and you are falling for it. He wants to seem like the friendly guy that just can't help being attracted to you.

 

You should be seeing danger signs in your head, but instead you trust him. You say he's been respectful but he's pushing your boundaries a little at a time, testing the waters, to see how much you'll let him get away with. And so far, it's working. He built trust, put the idea in your head with the inappropriate comment, and has now kissed you and is allowing you to see his sexual arousal.

 

Tell your parents. It's their job to protect you from people that will take advantage of you. You say you're mature, and you are physically, but you clearly aren't emotionally mature enough to recognize that this man has the potential to harm you. Emotionally healthy adults avoid people like this, but you are drawn to him. This shows you may not be in the best frame of mind to make good choices, and you may need your parents to set some clear boundaries, as it doesn't seem like you can do that for yourself yet. He's crossing every line and you may not be strong enough to stop it.

[strawberries]

Sorry I never actually got back to updating you guys. Things went a little awry after that, and I didn't see him again until March 16th. He basically stopped replying to my texts and calls, and I was going out of my mind. So I decided to stop by on that date without telling him, because I needed to see him and find out wtf he was ignoring me. He told me he had been going through some stuff and that he's depressed and possibly bipolar, which I knew already.

I sent him a text that day after I left but he didn't reply. Hadn't heard from him since then.

 

Then, 2 days ago, I was meant to meet my aunties (one of which is his mum, but she isn't REALLY my auntie) in town. His mum didn't turn up and so I phoned her and he had her phone so he answered it. He chatted to me and suggested I come round for a few hours. So I did. It was just me, him and his brother the whole time so obviously he wasn't gonna do/say anything sexual/weird then.

He texted me yesterday asking how I was and we chatted for a while. He said he'd text me today but he hasn't yet haha.. but he's like that. He doesn't always text/phone back when he says he will, so I won't take that to mean anything.

 

I might have lied about my age just a tiny bit though. I'm actually 15, not 16. I just said I was 16 because I wanted the situation to seem a tiny bit easier for you guys to get your head around.

[imtooconfused]

Oh dear!

[strawberries]

Oh dear!

 

What does that mean? Haha

[GorillaTheater]

What does that mean? Haha

 

It means that most adults reading this are thoroughly skeeved out by this guy, and dads with teen daughters are having some serious blood pressure issues right now.

 

You've gotten some great advice. I have no doubt that you're mature for your age, but this guy isn't. Please keep your distance, and let your parents know what's going on. Question: how do you think they'll react?

[strawberries]

I am not letting my parents know. Nothing has really happened worth knowing about, anyway.

[GorillaTheater]

Well, yes and no. It seems pretty obvious to me that he had begun the process of "grooming" you, although he also seems to have laid off. Since you've resumed contact, though, beware of that process starting again.

 

What exactly are you looking for as far as this guy goes?