18 year age gap..

[loveweary11]

Do you have anyone that you feel close to and trust? Strawberries, this is important. Will you talk to someone about what you are feeling?

 

She's already doing the right thing.

 

She handled the situation with maturity beyond her years. Nothing ACTUALLY happened. They flirted with danger a bit and backed off before crossing a line.

 

She came here to talk about her feelings.

 

There is literally no reason for her to go and destroy her family and their friends discussing this.

 

IMO, every move she made was the right one.

 

No revenge needed, Strawberries. The best revenge is living well. Remember that next time you think of revenge... on anyone. People who screw over other people in any way usually end up getting what's coming to them. Meanwhile, you just go on with your life and enjoy it, drama free.

[annonme]

No 34 year old self respecting man would be interested in a 16 year old girl and shouldn't be taken seriously....don't even go there! You are a baby and he needs to find someone closer to his age what he he'll should he have in c'mon with a teenage girl? Run fast and don't look back

[strawberries]

Do you have anyone that you feel close to and trust? Strawberries, this is important. Will you talk to someone about what you are feeling?

 

At the height of it all happening, I didn't tell anyone. Not even my best friend. Because I didn't know HOW to tell her, for fear she would think I was a slut or something, I don't know. Because the situation is so messed up.

But I did end up telling her and we have talked a LOT about it. But obviously I can't get proper mature advice from her as she's only 15 too, which is why I came on here. One other friend knows irl but she's not a close friend and doesn't know the full situation.

[Timshel]

At the height of it all happening, I didn't tell anyone. Not even my best friend. Because I didn't know HOW to tell her, for fear she would think I was a slut or something, I don't know. Because the situation is so messed up.

But I did end up telling her and we have talked a LOT about it. But obviously I can't get proper mature advice from her as she's only 15 too, which is why I came on here. One other friend knows irl but she's not a close friend and doesn't know the full situation.

 

Ok, it's good that you have talked with your friends. True, she is your age so maybe not the best advice but I think it's good that you have shared with your friend about this.

 

My opinion about this situation strawberries, is that you are in over your head with this guy. He's just too old for you. His life is really nothing like yours and not in a fun or exciting way.

He is showing creepy behavior by his actions with you. I think that you enjoy the friendship and attention from this older man but I really don't see how it will benefit you in any way. He seems unstable and you want a strong, smart and confident guy, not someone who has a lot of issues already and is getting a hard on hugging you. It does not seem to fit with what is important to you right now.

What would you think about not talking to him anymore?

[strawberries]

Ok, it's good that you have talked with your friends. True, she is your age so maybe not the best advice but I think it's good that you have shared with your friend about this.

 

My opinion about this situation strawberries, is that you are in over your head with this guy. He's just too old for you. His life is really nothing like yours and not in a fun or exciting way.

He is showing creepy behavior by his actions with you. I think that you enjoy the friendship and attention from this older man but I really don't see how it will benefit you in any way. He seems unstable and you want a strong, smart and confident guy, not someone who has a lot of issues already and is getting a hard on hugging you. It does not seem to fit with what is important to you right now.

What would you think about not talking to him anymore?

 

I know all of this. So why do I keep going back to him, talking to him and making an effort? I don't know why. I can't seem to let him go. I guess he's the first guy who has showed any real attention in me flirting-wise, and so I'm attached to him.

I don't think I could stop talking to him, but if he stops talking to me then obviously I have no choice. He knew that I was at my 'aunties' house yesterday, his mums, but he wasn't there. He didn't know I was coming round though. I might try call him next week at some point just to see what's going on but he might not even pick up the phone, I don't know. It hurts.

[Timshel]

I know all of this. So why do I keep going back to him, talking to him and making an effort? I don't know why. I can't seem to let him go. I guess he's the first guy who has showed any real attention in me flirting-wise, and so I'm attached to him.

I don't think I could stop talking to him, but if he stops talking to me then obviously I have no choice. He knew that I was at my 'aunties' house yesterday, his mums, but he wasn't there. He didn't know I was coming round though. I might try call him next week at some point just to see what's going on but he might not even pick up the phone, I don't know. It hurts.

 

You do seem to be a very smart girl. You remind me of my daughter in a way because her favorite food is strawberries.

So, what were you thinking about having as a career? You seem like you have a plan. What do you want to be doing when you are 34?

[strawberries]

You do seem to be a very smart girl. You remind me of my daughter in a way because her favorite food is strawberries.

So, what were you thinking about having as a career? You seem like you have a plan. What do you want to be doing when you are 34?

 

Why do you say that I seem smart haha? A lot of people say that about me but I don't really get it. He said the same thing.

 

I don't really have too much of an idea yet. I'm leaving school Summer 2016. I was thinking of going into psychology or something like that.

[elaine567]

The phrases she is using makes her sound like she's from the UK or a former commonwealth country, and if that's so, 16 is likely to be no legal problem at all.

 

We do not know where she is from, and she is actually 15, which you would know, if you had read the thread.

#20

[Timshel]

Why do you say that I seem smart haha? A lot of people say that about me but I don't really get it. He said the same thing.

 

I don't really have too much of an idea yet. I'm leaving school Summer 2016. I was thinking of going into psychology or something like that.

 

Most people don't walk around thinking how smart they are, usually the opposite. So he noticed that you are smart also, people notice I guess. I said that because I want you to realize that you are if you don't.

Do you remember your 12th birthday? What did you think when you were 12 about one day being 15? Did it seem like it would take forever to be older?

[elaine567]

I know all of this. So why do I keep going back to him, talking to him and making an effort? I don't know why. I can't seem to let him go. I guess he's the first guy who has showed any real attention in me flirting-wise, and so I'm attached to him.

I don't think I could stop talking to him, but if he stops talking to me then obviously I have no choice. He knew that I was at my 'aunties' house yesterday, his mums, but he wasn't there. He didn't know I was coming round though. I might try call him next week at some point just to see what's going on but he might not even pick up the phone, I don't know. It hurts.

 

You have to realise this man groomed you, he is 34, you are 15 and that is in the eyes of the law in most countries is a criminal offence. Being 34 and an adult, he abused his position by showing sexual interest in you.

 

The fact he is at the moment playing cool can be a ploy and is not evidence he is not grooming you.

As soon as he backed off, your feelings and need for him increased didn't they? Some guys know this, they deliberately back off and wait whilst you get upset, get more upset, then get desperate, and then even more desperate.

As soon as he shows some interest again, then you, being completely desperate for him, will agree to almost anything in order to keep him interested in you.

That is manipulation and some men are very good at it.

[strawberries]

Most people don't walk around thinking how smart they are, usually the opposite. So he noticed that you are smart also, people notice I guess. I said that because I want you to realize that you are if you don't.

Do you remember your 12th birthday? What did you think when you were 12 about one day being 15? Did it seem like it would take forever to be older?

 

At that age, I didn't really think of the future to be honest. I very much lived in the moment. Although I did wish I was older, because I was going through a severe friendship problem for the first 3 years of secondary school and I was so unhappy and I just wanted to leave school. I also had issues with my looks, I was very much an 'ugly duckling'. I'm much better now though.

[strawberries]

You have to realise this man groomed you, he is 34, you are 15 and that is in the eyes of the law in most countries is a criminal offence. Being 34 and an adult, he abused his position by showing sexual interest in you.

 

The fact he is at the moment playing cool can be a ploy and is not evidence he is not grooming you.

As soon as he backed off, your feelings and need for him increased didn't they? Some guys know this, they deliberately back off and wait whilst you get upset, get more upset, then get desperate, and then even more desperate.

As soon as he shows some interest again, then you, being completely desperate for him, will agree to almost anything in order to keep him interested in you.

That is manipulation and some men are very good at it.

 

I completely know and agree with all of this. So WHY, why, why am I still craving his goddamn attention? But I know that even if there was another more age appropriate guy showing attention in me, I'd still go back to this man. It's a bit like you know that if you throw yourself off a cliff you're going to die, but I'm doing it anyway.

[Timshel]

Most people don't walk around thinking how smart they are, usually the opposite. So he noticed that you are smart also, people notice I guess. I said that because I want you to realize that you are if you don't.

Do you remember your 12th birthday? What did you think when you were 12 about one day being 15? Did it seem like it would take forever to be older?

 

The reason I asked this question is for you to think about how a few years ago you could not imagine where you are right now. What you are feeling and going through now, at 15.

In 3 more years strawberries, you will also be in a completely different place with your life. It is up to you if it is a better place or not. I think that it will be if you can remember that these feelings you have now for this man will not be the same. All of this will be a memory and you will be glad that you did not have a relationship with him. Don't let your fascination with this grown man change the course of your life.

Nothing good will come from remaining friends with this guy strawberries. I hope if my daughter ever goes through anything like you are now that she will talk to me and trust me. It would crush me if she didn't.

Please stay away from him and find something else to occupy your time. You are smart and bored. Find something to do that won't hurt you. This man will.

[strawberries]

The reason I asked this question is for you to think about how a few years ago you could not imagine where you are right now. What you are feeling and going through now, at 15.

In 3 more years strawberries, you will also be in a completely different place with your life. It is up to you if it is a better place or not. I think that it will be if you can remember that these feelings you have now for this man will not be the same. All of this will be a memory and you will be glad that you did not have a relationship with him. Don't let your fascination with this grown man change the course of your life.

Nothing good will come from remaining friends with this guy strawberries. I hope if my daughter ever goes through anything like you are now that she will talk to me and trust me. It would crush me if she didn't.

Please stay away from him and find something else to occupy your time. You are smart and bored. Find something to do that won't hurt you. This man will.

 

I had met him a few times when I was younger, actually around the age of 12, through my 'auntie' but obviously we never really talked then because I was so young. So it's come as a big surprise to me, that he of all people is the one who has taken an interest in me. Like if you had told me all of this was gonna happen 3 years ago, I'd never have believed it. He is the last person I thought anything would 'happen' with.

If he had kept the friendship purely what it should have been, just friendship, then I'd not be in this position. I would never have posted this thread and I wouldn't have gone through feelings of so much depression and worthlessness because of him.

[elaine567]

I think you need to talk to your mum or dad about this.

But if you truly cannot and you feel your friends are not helping, then if you are in the UK, go talk to Childline.

Talk | ChildLine

[strawberries]

I think you need to talk to your mum or dad about this.

But if you truly cannot and you feel your friends are not helping, then if you are in the UK, go talk to Childline.

Talk | ChildLine

 

It's fine, I don't need to talk to Childline about it. I've spoken to them before and they're pretty unhelpful anyway.

[imtooconfused]

So WHY, why, why am I still craving his goddamn attention? But I know that even if there was another more age appropriate guy showing attention in me, I'd still go back to this man.

 

It's fine, I don't need to talk to Childline about it. I've spoken to them before and they're pretty unhelpful anyway.

 

You do need to talk to someone, because it's clear that you are encouraging this behavior. It's not right for him and it's equally not right for you. Talking to someone can help you work through your questions/issues from ^ above.

[strawberries]

Well I am talking with you guys, aren't I? That's enough for me.

[Anela]

Well I am talking with you guys, aren't I? That's enough for me.

 

No, you need to talk to someone that can actually help you. Why are you suddenly okay with this?

[strawberries]

No, you need to talk to someone that can actually help you. Why are you suddenly okay with this?

 

Nobody can actually help me. I've talked with many people about it. And it's still not helping. I'm trying to figure out what to do next.

[Anela]

Nobody can actually help me. I've talked with many people about it. And it's still not helping. I'm trying to figure out what to do next.

 

a) don't talk to him

b) if he tries it on, call the police, and tell your parents.

 

You've received good advice, you just don't seem to like the answers.

[fishstar]

So why do I keep going back to him, talking to him and making an effort? I don't know why. I can't seem to let him go. I guess he's the first guy who has showed any real attention in me flirting-wise, and so I'm attached to him. I might try call him next week at some point just to see what's going on but he might not even pick up the phone, I don't know. It hurts.

 

If you're as mature as you say and think you are, stay away from this guy, leave him alone. Delete his number and get on with your life. You don't need this and neither does he. If he really does have depression, he's vulnerable and so are you on account of your age. What's happened is due to both parties having issues with emotional or physical boundaries, whether consciously or not. You are 15, this attraction is just fantasy. To me it sounds like he is trying to end the interaction (or manipulate as has been suggested) - either way, without knowing his side it's not possible to know for sure, he could genuinely want to stop it, so just leave it.

 

He may not even realise he's played with emotions or had his emotions played himself. In the context of what info has been relayed on here, if you don't think long, close hugs, late night meetings and texting, constitute intimacy then this just shows immaturity. Encouraging and enjoying these interactions are one thing, having the maturity to understand it's not healthy at your age with an older man is another thing.

Edited April 12, 2015 by fishstar

[elaine567]

If you're as mature as you say and think you are, stay away from this guy, leave him alone. Delete his number and get on with your life. You don't need this and neither does he. If he really does have depression, he's vulnerable and so are you on account of your age. What's happened is due to both parties having issues with emotional or physical boundaries, whether consciously or not. You are 15, this attraction is just fantasy. To me it sounds like he is trying to end the interaction (or manipulate as has been suggested) - either way, without knowing his side it's not possible to know for sure, he could genuinely want to stop it, so just leave it.

 

He may not even realise he's played with emotions or had his emotions played himself. In the context of what info has been relayed on here, if you don't think long, close hugs, late night meetings and texting, constitute intimacy then this just shows immaturity. Encouraging and enjoying these interactions are one thing, having the maturity to understand it's not healthy at your age with an older man is another thing.

 

Your "auntie", his mother may have found out, realised the big trouble he had got himself into, and told him to stop.

He is not normal, normal healthy men do not act in this way towards young underage girls.

[Els]

In reply to guys my age interested in me, if I had to give you guys an image of what I'm like then I'd describe myself as Allison Reynolds from The Breakfast Club. Go figure. I have a best friend who I stick closely with but I don't really hang out with guys at all. I'm pretty quiet but mature.

 

I was surprised to come back and see another 2 pages on this discussion, haha!

 

 

Why don't you talk to guys your age at all?

 

You asked why you still crave this older man's attention - I think this is the reason. You are lacking any interaction with boys your own age, and at your age obviously there is some hormonal activity that would make you desire some interaction with the opposite sex if you are heterosexual. So this man is the only one whom you really talk to, and thus you are forming an attachment to him.

 

Aside from the good suggestions here about talking to a professional whom you can trust, I suggest you make friends with some boys at school. Of course you still have to be careful, because anyone at any age can be an *******, but with folks closer to your own age you stand a better chance of having a healthy, normal relationship, be it platonic or romantic.

[strawberries]

Well to be fair, there was a few boys that used to come hang around with me and my best friend at school. That happens quite regularly, it happened throughout the height of everything with this man and still the situation did not change. Of course I was talking to these boys and stuff but I still went back to this older guy.