I think im losing feelings for my ex boyfriend, but im afraid...

[EternalSummer]

Im 17, and my ex just turned 19. We dated for over a year, and he ended up having to suddenly move away to live with his father. So, I have not seen him since May of 2014. We officially broke up in September of 2014. We still talk everyday, but I feel myself (finally) losing feelings for him, and im terrified. He was my first boyfriend and my first love. A lot of people look for this guy who truly loves them, cares for them, is loyal and faithful, and all of that. And my ex is that. I feel lucky that he was my first love. However, there are things that worry me..

 

1. He smokes weed (which I dont like...it makes me feel nauseous)
   
2. Our career paths seem to be different (I want to me a nurse or a social worker, he wants to be a rapper, and does not have a back up plan right now--which comes with it's own set of things that I worry about)
   
3. Sometimes, I wonder if we have much in common...I mean, our conversations consist of just asking how each others day was and stuff like that...but we never really had deep conversations (Im into deep, philosophical conversations) and my brain craves that I've come to realize
   

To add to that, I think im developing feelings for my male friend. Im not going to purse anything with him, because he likes another girl (who's like 10x prettier than I am, and all of the guys seem to love her...) My friend is this generous(my ex is as well), absolutely sweet, smart, clever, funny and kinda weird(in a good way) type of guy. We have soooo many things in common, can talk about alot of things ranging from anime(Im an anime nerd lol) video games, religion(a little bit) and just life itself...and I love that. We're both introverted and quiet, so we can relate on that level. And even when I just saw him as a friend, I thought he was this amazing person. Once again, im not going to purse anything with him.

 

My relationship with my friend, however, makes me wonder if I can have this sort of relationship with other guys...but im afraid that I'll never find that. Im not looking for a soulmate, I dont believe in that. But I want someone who I can connect with on a mental and intellectual level, as well as physical, and I want someone whom I have more things in common with. However, I wonder if those things even matter in the long run. What does it matter if you find someone who you click with on so many levels(in this case, my friend) if they end up being unfaithful to you, and hurting you(which is something my ex would never do)?

 

Im not looking for mr.perfect. Im not looking for a 6 foot tall, Denzel Washington lookin dude who makes 100,000 a year, can read my mind, is sensitive like a girlfriend, drives a Porch, is athletic, etc...that's not realistic.

 

Basically, all I want is someone...

 

1. who will be loyal(my worst fear is to be cheated on, and I've never been cheated on before...)
   
2. truly love me
   
3. is going to have a stable career(rapping is not stable, and I dont wanna be rich either. I want to know that we will be able to have food on our table, bills paid, and gas in our cars, ya know?)
   
4. Someone who I have things in common with. I want to connect on a mental level.
   
5. Someone who is funny (I love to laugh...who doesnt?my ex and my friend are hilarious in their own ways)
   
6. And other basic things...I want someone who is sweet and kind, because that's a rarity in this world(and my friend really is sweet and kind..)
   

Im young, so maybe I dont have to be worried about this. But I am. Im afraid that If I dont go back to my ex, I'll have to deal with jerks, and may never find who im looking for. Im worried that what I want is unrealistic, because many people are still looking for love, and some never find it...and I know that everyone is going to get hurt in love, but im deathly afraid of it. Ive seen my mother get hurt in relationships all of my life, and she's given up...and its depressing.

I still have love for my ex when I think about him, and I wonder if I'll ever truly let him go...and the thought of him being with another girl makes me feel incredibly jealous...(he says that he wants me back. My mom doesnt let me visit him because she feels thats the mans job, and he still hasn't gotten a job sooooo...yeah :/)

Im sorry this is so long, but any help is appreciated

 

(also, im not sure where I should post this haha)

Edited February 14, 2015 by EternalSummer

[Holmes85]

I think im developing feelings for my male friend

 

This is the source of all your problems.

 

Rest for the post is basically you trying to justify that what you are doing is right and your reasons are legit (which they aren't)

 

You are confused because you allow your "feelings" to dictate all of the choices you make when dealing with your love life. Also your feelings are all over the place with your Ex boyfriend and your new romantic interest.

 

If I were you I would take the time a bit off from the relatonships and focus on studies and your career instead of getting into relationships half-heartidly with mixed emotions.

[devilish innocent]

Hi Summer,

I have to admit that your post frustrates me a little bit. I have to remind myself that you're only 17 so you can't be expected to know the things you don't know yet.

 

First of, your description of your friend reminds me a lot of my husband and of my husbands friends. Usually there's not as many girls who are into video games, anime, and quiet guys. So when girls come along who are part of that scene those girls almost always have a partner. Also, since these guys have fewer options and tend to be more introverted, they're rarely the cheating type. There are no guarantees, but I think you have a very good shot of finding a good, faithful guy with the criteria you are looking for.

 

Second, I think that your assumption ex-boyfriend would be there for you is somewhat naive. Many couples your age get together thinking they'll spend their life together. The success rate for these couples is very low. For every high school success story, there's about 20 more couples who believed they'd always be together and didn't work out. The few I've seen who do work out are the ones who were already planning out serious career and financial plans from a young age, not the people like your boyfriend who were still just having fun.

 

You were only with your boyfriend for a year. That's the honeymoon stage when young couples are all over each other, treating each other well. But when they get bored after a couple of years, then these relationships tend to fall apart.

 

Third, you're only 17! That's way too young to worry about ending up as an old unmarried spinster. I can't say that your first person to worry about it at that age, but the people I've known who felt that way at your age are all now happily married. Trust me. If you're smart about relationships, you'll be okay!

 

In short, I really don't think your ex is where you'll find the mate you want. I think you know that. You just want to hold on to him as a back-up option in case nobody else comes along. Holding on to him isn't going to help you find lasting love. If anything, it can only hold you back.

 

Your best option is to move on. Meet other people. Give yourself time to grow up. Give the guys time to grow up. You've got plenty of time to find what you're looking for.

[EternalSummer]

This is the source of all your problems.

 

Rest for the post is basically you trying to justify that what you are doing is right and your reasons are legit (which they aren't)

 

You are confused because you allow your "feelings" to dictate all of the choices you make when dealing with your love life. Also your feelings are all over the place with your Ex boyfriend and your new romantic interest.

 

If I were you I would take the time a bit off from the relatonships and focus on studies and your career instead of getting into relationships half-heartidly with mixed emotions.

Well, I have to be honest that I was having doubts before I started feeling something for my friend, but I honestly just want to know if my reasons and fears are legit. I mean, I don't wanna just give up on a healthy relationship for something that may be stupid in the end, you know? If you don't mind me asking, what makes you think that my worries are not legitimate? I was worried that they weren't, and I don't want to make a brash and hasty decision....

 

Hi Summer,

I have to admit that your post frustrates me a little bit. I have to remind myself that you're only 17 so you can't be expected to know the things you don't know yet.

 

First of, your description of your friend reminds me a lot of my husband and of my husbands friends. Usually there's not as many girls who are into video games, anime, and quiet guys. So when girls come along who are part of that scene those girls almost always have a partner. Also, since these guys have fewer options and tend to be more introverted, they're rarely the cheating type. There are no guarantees, but I think you have a very good shot of finding a good, faithful guy with the criteria you are looking for.

 

Second, I think that your assumption ex-boyfriend would be there for you is somewhat naive. Many couples your age get together thinking they'll spend their life together. The success rate for these couples is very low. For every high school success story, there's about 20 more couples who believed they'd always be together and didn't work out. The few I've seen who do work out are the ones who were already planning out serious career and financial plans from a young age, not the people like your boyfriend who were still just having fun.

 

You were only with your boyfriend for a year. That's the honeymoon stage when young couples are all over each other, treating each other well. But when they get bored after a couple of years, then these relationships tend to fall apart.

 

Third, you're only 17! That's way too young to worry about ending up as an old unmarried spinster. I can't say that your first person to worry about it at that age, but the people I've known who felt that way at your age are all now happily married. Trust me. If you're smart about relationships, you'll be okay!

 

In short, I really don't think your ex is where you'll find the mate you want. I think you know that. You just want to hold on to him as a back-up option in case nobody else comes along. Holding on to him isn't going to help you find lasting love. If anything, it can only hold you back.

 

Your best option is to move on. Meet other people. Give yourself time to grow up. Give the guys time to grow up. You've got plenty of time to find what you're looking for.

Sorry that it frustrates ya lol teen girl problems eh?

You know, it's not even like im looking specifically for the anime nerd, video game, quiet type you know? To me, that'd be a bonus, and we'd have a ground to relate to each other on. I dont want to end up with this ridiculously strict list, and wait out for this dude that just does not exist...I'd like to date someone who I feel I can connect with on a mental and intellectual level as well. My question to you is, does this even matter in the long run? I try not to freak out about this, because I know that my bf and I are maturing. Heck, I've even said to him that we shouldn't get back together because a lot of people our age are still changing, you don't know who you could meet, blah blah blah...but he wont really take no for an answer...sigh...

And thats true...we were only together for a year..I was beginning to think it was odd that we hadn't argued yet.

I know that it's silly for me to be worried about this at 17, trust me on this lol! But I've seen my mother in relationships, thinking that it was gonna work out, and they dont, and like most people she's crushed. But now she's at the point where she's given up, even tho she still has time to find love (she's in her 50s, so it might be more difficult...but not impossible, right?) Im terrified to end up like that...hurt, and giving up on love.

So basically....I want someone who I feel I can call my partner in the future...someone who will go for a stable job, is kind(we have toooo many jerks in this world you know?), loyal and loving, doesn't do any sort of drugs(weed included) and doesn't drink, and someone who I can connect with on an intellectual and mental level. I think thats not too much to ask for, but im not sure.

How can I be smart in my love life? I'd rather to learn now, when im young, than to go forth and make silly and pointless mistakes.

(Thank you guys )

[EternalSummer]

Bump...anyone else? I just want to know if im being stupid about this whole thing, and if my concerns are legit, and if they're not, why aren't they?

When it comes to my ex-bf and the rapping thing, right now im worried because he doesn't have any sort of backup plan in place, nor does he have his hs diploma/GED, so yeah, im getting pretty worried by all of this. I dont know why he hasn't taken steps to further his education, and sometimes I worry that he's placing all of his hopes on making it big as a rapper or something

Plus, rappers are on the road a lot, and are known to cheat more often than not, so that worries me a lot as well...

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, you can absolutely walk away from that relationship and pursue your friend -- why not? You're at a point in your life when it's very healthy to be dating around, experiencing life as a single person and discovering what qualities you do and don't want in a future spouse.

 

You don't owe your current ex anything. You're young and this is your time to be single and free and see what's out there. It sounds to me like you've got your head on straight and all the qualities you list for an ideal mate sound both realistic and highly admirable in my book!

 

Don't settle for less than what you want because you're afraid of ending up alone.

[EternalSummer]

Thank you honestly, i don't think that I'm the type of person who wants to date around a lot...but I guess you have to in order to find out what you want and find that person you want....I'm still afraid...like most people, I'm afraid of the unknown and possible pain, but I think I will make it through.

When it comes to my friend, I'm afraid to pursue it because he's told me that he likes another girl, and i feel as though he only likes me as a friend, even though he liked me around two years ago. I've read places that sometimes it can be weird dating your friend because you have to transition into seeing them into a different light, and adjust to holding hands, longer hugs, kissing and possibly even sex...like I think he's cute, and awesome l, but I'm worried as well..(as you can probably.tell, i have major relationship anxiety I'm starting to realise)

I do have lots of time, however, because I'm still young so I should stop stressing lol

Thanks again

[Ruby65]

If you like your friend, and he liked you two years ago, I'd go ahead and drop some hints that you're interested and see what he does with that. But that's just me!

 

You really do have so much time ahead of you, there's no reason to feel obligated to an ex -- especially one you're already seeing red flags with. Learn to trust your gut and develop the capacity to walk away.

 

Maintain your high standards. YOUR instincts will always tell you when someone's not right for you... the trick is to learn to listen to them!

[EternalSummer]

Thank you so.much! Ok, i have one more question. How do I tell if I just really admire my friend as a person, or of I like him in a romantic sense? I try to sort out what feel, but it's confusing sometimes...

[Ruby65]

Since you're not sure of your feelings, I'd recommend taking it slow.... even taking a breather from relationships for a while and just getting comfortable being single again.

 

Once you're ready to walk away emotionally from your ex... do you feel a sense of panic at not having a boyfriend? How can you tell that you're not just trying to latch onto your friend to avoid being alone?

 

If he's had (I'm assuming unrequited) feelings for you in the past, please be careful about leading him on until you're sure about what you want and why.

 

[EternalSummer]

Yeah,the reason why I don't wanna pursue anything with my friend is because I'm not sure what I'm feeling exactly...and I'd rather not to lead him on with my mixed feelings. I'd hate to lose him as a friend, and plus he's going away to college anyway, soooo...yeah.

I'm not to freaked out about not having a boyfriend. I mean, it kinda sucks being single sometimes but it's not the end of the world, so I try not to worry. I've never been the type to obsess over having a boyfriend anyway. I wasn't gonna start dating till I was 18 originally lol

It's just,when I think about what I would want in a guy, my friend comes to mind...but then again, we're friends for a reason...I'm supposed to think he's the bees-knees! Lol

[stillafool]

It is natural at your age to leave your first love and move on to others. If he is going to be a musician you can bet he will be meeting and seeing other girls. I definiitely think you should start seeing the other guy.

[EternalSummer]

I almost feel like a jerk for assuming that he'll cheat on me if he makes it big :/ but the thing is, I can name a bunch of rappers who have chronically cheated on their girlfriends, and im not about to be in that position. Plus, rappers are always on the road, always are partying, have half naked girls in their videos allll the time(which is completely pointless) And this is coming from someone who actually listens to rap. I know what rappers rap about, and it aint about being faithful to the women they claim they love...

I brought up my concerns that he'll cheat, and of course he said he wouldn't, blah blah blah. But it will...I know it will. It always does...

It's not like I expect him to become a doctor or a lawyer...but dang it, I know that I don't wanna be with a rapper...I wouldn't be comfortable. I'd be stressed and worried all the time.

[stillafool]

It isn't just rappers it's musicians period. Women flock to them and if they are young (or old) for that matter it is extremely hard for them to resist. Especially if they are not in town or if their gf isn't on the road with them. I dated plenty of them when I was young.

[EternalSummer]

Ah, I see. It's nice to have advice from someone who has been there multiple times...I guess it comes with the territory :/

For some reason, im terrified to let go...but im 17, and a couple of years from now, I know (or, I hope) that I will be ok. I keep trying to remind myself that this is fleeting, and whatever fear im feeling will not last forever.

[SycamoreCircle]

I almost feel like a jerk for assuming that he'll cheat on me if he makes it big :/ but the thing is, I can name a bunch of rappers who have chronically cheated on their girlfriends, and im not about to be in that position. Plus, rappers are always on the road, always are partying, have half naked girls in their videos allll the time(which is completely pointless) And this is coming from someone who actually listens to rap. I know what rappers rap about, and it aint about being faithful to the women they claim they love...

I brought up my concerns that he'll cheat, and of course he said he wouldn't, blah blah blah. But it will...I know it will. It always does...

It's not like I expect him to become a doctor or a lawyer...but dang it, I know that I don't wanna be with a rapper...I wouldn't be comfortable. I'd be stressed and worried all the time.

This is the most ridiculous thing you've produced yet. Sorry OP, but everything coming out of you is justification for dumping your great boyfriend to be with this other guy. Now, you're faulting him for things he hasn't even done yet. You want us to tell you you're doing the right thing? Leave my name off the list. This is selfishness, plain and simple. You know it. The more seasoned advice specialists on this forum know it. At your age it's to be expected. But call a spade a spade: selfishness.

[EternalSummer]

I've said before that Im not going after my friend for a couple of reasons, and that I was having my fears and doubts our relationship before I started getting feelings for my friend.

Also, I have a question: how is it selfish for me to want to look for something more in a partner? Someone whom I have more in common with, and someone who is gonna do something more stable with their lives? Is that wrong? Its not like im complaining that my ex wasnt tall enough(which I dont care about) doesn't like the same exact things as I do(which, again, I dont care about), doesnt have perfect teeth, isn't muscular enough, and other superficial, vain things of that nature. I dont want some perfect guy. Is it wrong to want more out of someone beyond the basics? Honest question.

[SycamoreCircle]

The bottom line is this other guy is in the equation, your curiosity about him is driving this whole thing. You've admitted that you think about this other guy. You are being emotionally unfaithful.

 

Neither you or your boyfriend are at an age where career choices determine compatibility. If you were an RN and your boyfriend was a professional rapper and the two of you were trying to build a life then I would say there might be conflict of interests. Might not. Couples create a common life. The disinterested create conflict of interests.

 

What you're doing is completely natural, so I'm not going to fight you tooth and nail. But stop judging your boyfriend for things you think he will be guilty of. That is called "self-talk." Women do it when they want to dump their boyfriends for someone else.

[EternalSummer]

Oh, I should specify that we're not dating anymore(hence the term "ex" in the title...)dont mean to cause any confusion.

I literally have no intentions in going after my male friend. I'm fully prepared to keep this to myself until he goes to college, and I go to college this up-coming fall.

I honestly cant explain how worried I am about the rapping career. I mean, am I wrong for being scared that something will happen on long tours where he's around attractive girls and alcohol? And in Hollywood, it seems that every 5 seconds somebody is cheating on someone...I dont wanna sit around waiting for him to come home after tours while he's going who knows what. Shoot, all I want is a regular dude to come home to everyday when im older. Im not interested in a rappers flashy lifestyle...

[SycamoreCircle]

You say that you have feelings for the other guy but you're not going to pursue it. You also say that you've broken up with your boyfriend. I don't believe either of those statements.

[EternalSummer]

Why in the world would I lie about having broken up with him? What would I have to gain from that??

Same thing in regards to my male friend. Wow. Just...wow.

[devilish innocent]

I apologize that I don't typically check the posts I've responded to, so I'm getting back to your thread a little late. I'll try to answer some of the questions you've asked me and that you've asked in general now though.

 

I'd like to date someone who I feel I can connect with on a mental and intellectual level as well. My question to you is, does this even matter in the long run?

 

I don't know if it's necessary for everyone. My dad is much more of an intellectual than my mom, and they've managed to stay together for over 50 years. Personally, I don't think it's something I would want to do without. I guess the question is if you feel this is something that's important for you. If it is, then it's not dumb or shallow to want that. Our thoughts are a big part of who we are. It's as much of a reason to be with somebody as anything else.

 

So basically....I want someone who I feel I can call my partner in the future...someone who will go for a stable job, is kind(we have toooo many jerks in this world you know?), loyal and loving, doesn't do any sort of drugs(weed included) and doesn't drink, and someone who I can connect with on an intellectual and mental level. I think thats not too much to ask for, but im not sure.

 

Believe me. That's a very reasonable list. I've seen people have much crazier things on their lists. Your list basically covers the things you need for a happy, stable long-term relationship.

 

How can I be smart in my love life? I'd rather to learn now, when im young, than to go forth and make silly and pointless mistakes.

 

Treat men the way you want to be treated. Look for a man with good character. Take the relationship at a slow, healthy pace. Ask questions. Pay attention to warning signs you see along the way. Talk through issues that come up. Know when to walk away. Appreciate it when you do have it good. Take time to have fun together. Never get involved with anybody who's already taken.

 

If you really want to learn more about how to have good relationships, then I strongly recommend this book. I read it when I was just a couple of years older than you and following the advice has helped me. As I've learned more about relationships since then, I continue to agree with the wisdom in this book. It's a short, easy read as well.

 

How do I tell if I just really admire my friend as a person, or of I like him in a romantic sense? I try to sort out what feel, but it's confusing sometimes...

 

If you're not sure how you feel, then I recommend staying friends and trying not to worry about it. Friends turned into lovers often make the best relationships, but only if it feels right.

 

My husband and I were good friends before we became a couple. The realization that he had everything I'd been searching for came to me first. Then I couldn't stop thinking about it, but I wasn't sure about my feelings. I didn't want to force anything, but I also didn't want to close off the possibility of feelings developing either. What finally worked for me was deciding to just focus on being in the moment rather than wondering about any future. I figured romance was a natural instinct and if I simply acted on what felt right in the moment, my instincts would naturally lead me one way or the other. What ended up happening was after that, when I least expected it, in a way I least expected it, it suddenly hit me over the head that I was falling in love with him. Some times you just have to not over think these things.

[EternalSummer]

I apologize that I don't typically check the posts I've responded to, so I'm getting back to your thread a little late. I'll try to answer some of the questions you've asked me and that you've asked in general now though.

 

 

 

I don't know if it's necessary for everyone. My dad is much more of an intellectual than my mom, and they've managed to stay together for over 50 years. Personally, I don't think it's something I would want to do without. I guess the question is if you feel this is something that's important for you. If it is, then it's not dumb or shallow to want that. Our thoughts are a big part of who we are. It's as much of a reason to be with somebody as anything else.

 

 

 

Believe me. That's a very reasonable list. I've seen people have much crazier things on their lists. Your list basically covers the things you need for a happy, stable long-term relationship.

 

 

 

Treat men the way you want to be treated. Look for a man with good character. Take the relationship at a slow, healthy pace. Ask questions. Pay attention to warning signs you see along the way. Talk through issues that come up. Know when to walk away. Appreciate it when you do have it good. Take time to have fun together. Never get involved with anybody who's already taken.

 

If you really want to learn more about how to have good relationships, then I strongly recommend this book. I read it when I was just a couple of years older than you and following the advice has helped me. As I've learned more about relationships since then, I continue to agree with the wisdom in this book. It's a short, easy read as well.

 

 

 

If you're not sure how you feel, then I recommend staying friends and trying not to worry about it. Friends turned into lovers often make the best relationships, but only if it feels right.

 

My husband and I were good friends before we became a couple. The realization that he had everything I'd been searching for came to me first. Then I couldn't stop thinking about it, but I wasn't sure about my feelings. I didn't want to force anything, but I also didn't want to close off the possibility of feelings developing either. What finally worked for me was deciding to just focus on being in the moment rather than wondering about any future. I figured romance was a natural instinct and if I simply acted on what felt right in the moment, my instincts would naturally lead me one way or the other. What ended up happening was after that, when I least expected it, in a way I least expected it, it suddenly hit me over the head that I was falling in love with him. Some times you just have to not over think these things.

Thank you for this

I guess its all about finding out what we cannot live without, because a partner isn't going to have everything that we want, and that's ok. Im not the type of person to talk about smart, intellectual things all the time, but that is an aspect of my personality, and I do enjoy an intelligent philosophical conversation from time to time...I like to be stimulated in that way.

Im definitely just going to remain friends, because I'd rather to have him in my life than not at all. Plus, im 17, so I dont need to have a boyfriend(nobody needs to have a boyfriend/girlfriend...they're just nice to have ) I have time to find love, and there are a lot of sweet guys out there to love...Im just gonna chill out and focus on school and graduating.