Being cheated on vs being the cheater

[sophitia]

I just want to know from both sides of the spectrum:

 

If you have been cheated on, how has that affected you?

 

If you were the cheater, how has that affected you? Is it better being on this side?

 

In the beginning, I found a darker version of myself that I didn't know existed:

- I was constantly angry

- I disconnected myself from all of my friends (my ex and I shared a lot of mutual friends and they would keep informing me of his new love as if they approved - it hurt like hell because they knew what happened)

- I became less trusting

- I was quick to dismiss people who I just didn't feel like I could connect with (on a friend level and romantic)

- I felt like everything around me was so dull and that life sucked

- I was basically a walking void full of negative energy

 

Although I am rebuilding a life that was once in a million pieces, I find that I am much more happy now with the person I have evolved into. I have made new friends who are of more quality (I don't have as many as before), I have found new hobbies, I'm in the best shape of my life, taught myself new skills, I am a much more positive person, I feel like I can relate to things I didn't understand before and I'm not as naive as I used to be.

 

However, there are still areas in which I struggle. Since the incident, I have found myself feeling more lost than ever. I am going through this process of rediscovering things I like, don't like, and what I want to do in life. My other struggle as of late has been sleep. This hasn't happened to me in a long time, but there had been a mention of my ex and his new love recently and I had come across a picture on social media. In the past, it would make me so angry and upset. Now, I don't feel that as much. Instead it leaves me feeling numb. Maybe it is because I have learned to block it from my mind through out the day but when I am asleep, I have no way of controlling how the mind works and it leaves me waking up feeling sad and empty. Sometimes it is even such a disturbing dream that it has me crying in my sleep.

 

I have no desire to be with him, yet my heart still feels bruised as apparent from my sleep behavior. Maybe it is the sense of rejection but I have yet to fully understand it. She was a woman who did not like me and was constantly chasing after my ex when we were together, while she had a boyfriend of her own. When she succeeded in getting what she wanted, she left her boyfriend to be with mine. He has fallen in love with her and treats her like the world. It somewhat pains me to know that I was not given that treatment when we were together. I have accepted that our relationship was not meant to be and that maybe theirs is.

 

I do not wish for any type of revenge, but I don't exactly wish them happiness either because of how much they hurt me. I also do not like appreciate that she has to flaunt the relationship in my face whenever the opportunity presents itself. I don't react back and I do my best to ignore them but the moment I fall asleep, it comes pouring. Will I ever get over this hurdle? All I want is to leave this part of my life behind.

Edited February 14, 2015 by sophitia

[LostOnes05]

I'm sorry about what happened to you. I know the feeling all too well. I was crushed when it happened. I could barely eat, didn't sleep that much, and I have certainly developed a distrust for people since then. However, I think a few important lessons came out of that incident. I learned that those closest to you can put a knife in your back and smile. I learned who my real friends were and who I could confide in. I also realized what I had given up to be with that person, and that was probably the worst feeling. But a few things helped me get over it. Good friends to talk to, getting back into shape (I had lost a ton of weight grieving the relationship), and putting my family and myself first helped a great deal. Whenever you get those feelings of despair, remember he is where he wants to be. Remember the emotional hurt you experienced because of his actions. Even if those circumstances should change one day, you should never let yourself be manipulated into the same situation. Ultimately, I feel bad for people who cheat. It is definitely a character flaw. I have never thought of cheating on someone, being a player, or multi-dating so maybe that's why I'm still single. Be patient and trust yourself! It will take time but remember no one can love you more than you love yourself (except for maybe mom)!! Take care and my very best wishes to you!!

[minimariah]

If you have been cheated on, how has that affected you?

 

it didn't really affect me that much.

i've always had trust issues, since i was a little girl - probably because i never had a naive bone in my body. every single time i enter a new relationship, i am aware of the risk. if i decide he's worth it? i go in.

 

people can and will disappoint, nothing lasts forever & many cheat. i'm really very rarely surprised - but that's just my pessimistic self.

 

BUT it did hurt, it always does. no matter how much you "prepare" yourself for the worst. it especially hurts if your ex moved on happily with the girl he cheated on you with - that leaves you feeling restless. and it's normal, you know? you've been wronged and they never payed for it. so you don't have your peace back because you never got your justice. it comes with time, no worries.

 

I have no desire to be with him, yet my heart still feels bruised as apparent from my sleep behavior. Maybe it is the sense of rejection but I have yet to fully understand it.

 

i think it's simply absence of peace - because people who hurt you never really payed for it, you know? you don't have to wish them happiness, why should you? you have every right to be mad and angry.

 

& it's clear why the girl didn't like you - you had what she wanted & couldn't get first.

 

just keep ignoring her & if she tries to flunt her relationship in your face again - smile in her face & tell her you're happy that she got the man she deserves & thank her for doing you a huge favor, end the conversation & leave.

 

if it's any consolation - she's insecure. remember one thing - insecure and truly happy and in love people never have the need to flaunt their relationship and stake their claim over their partner in front of someone they see as a threat.

[Hello201]

The last two people I was involved with "cheated" with me or gigsed to be precise I suppose

The second one hurt me more because they were aware of the first one , I trusted them totally because I believed her .

How has it affected me ? I'm not not sure , Im actually happy for the first one now , they are still with the person they left me for , and we've actually started talking , messaging off n on now .

The second one .... I'm glad they have gone as I don't want a liar in my life . if they had been honest then who know ( kept the truth from me so not to hurt me ?)

The pretense of friendship was there for about 6 weeks or so , but a good liar has to have a good memory . and too many holes in day to day events . but its done now.

I'm sorry its happened to you , but be strong the right person is out there , you just haven't found each other yet .

[sophitia]

Thanks for all of the input.

 

I do feel like this all happened for a reason and I am happy with who I am becoming. It's just hard sometimes to see how happy they can be after how malicious that girl was and the betrayal from him. I just want to be in a place where I can just one not even care about what they do and be able to stand in the middle of them and not even care at all.

[Buddhist]

If you have been cheated on, how has that affected you?

 

If you were the cheater, how has that affected you? Is it better being on this side?

 

Been on both sides of the equation.

 

When I was the cheater it didn't really affect me at all. Sorry but no guilt due to simply being unaware that I was effectively cheating. Sounds stupid, and it is, but at that time in my life I really was that self absorbed. I just went ahead and followed my impulses. I was bored in my current relationship. My boyfriend was no longer interesting and I was coming to resent his constant....but I can't do it attitude. Cue the entrance of two far more interesting people that I just ended up spending a lot more time with. No sex was involved but I did end up dumping my boyfriend for the second one.

 

Is it better being on the cheating side? No it's not. That stuff comes back to bite you one way or the other. After my cheating days I then had another two relationships, both of them with cheaters. See how I said it comes back to you? I had started that ball rolling in my life and I now seemed to attract that kind of guy.

 

As the one being cheated on? It was crazy making and it's crazy making because subconsciously you know that's what's going on, even if you deny it or have no proof. It's just like this wave of insecurity you can't quite put your finger on creeps into your life. I experienced...

 

Heightened states of panic daily

Sleeplessness

Feelings of jealousy for which I had no rational explanation

Obligatory denial from my partner when confronted which just serves to make you feel stupid as well as paranoid, until you finally do have the evidence of it.

Resentment towards my partner

 

After those relationships were over I had residual anger that I couldn't easily resolve for a very long time, like a couple of years. As much as I wanted to put those people out of my mind, I just couldn't and I had to answer that impossible question....why? It's ironic that even after being a cheater I still could not understand why my partners had done it and I just could not accept that it was as meaningless as just because they could.

 

I spent a decade in deep depression and soul searching. Ultimately I think I benefited from the experience, especially the experience of having someone cheat on me. It woke me up to how I was just on auto-pilot throughout my life, reacting to the whims of others and I had to do something about that.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I'm going to focus on you and skirt around your question.

 

Don't look at his social media anymore. There is only hurt there, I promise you. I can also promise you that basing your understanding of their relationship on social media is a blunder. That is theatre. People put up what they want people to see.

 

I'm glad you feel you've improved yourself a lot since the BU. Know that you were a worthwhile person and girlfriend before that, too.