Letting go of hope

[darkbloom]

Just wondering how everyone is doing with that little piece of hope that remains after a breakup that you will be able to reconcile. Even though I know that I never want to be in that position again. There's a very small piece of me (probably tainted by the bast**rds who make Meg Ryan movies) that thinks everything will be okay. Especially because I got the apology that so many people on here hope for.

 

 

I have been doing remarkably better. I am much happier without him and I know now that the relationship was not good for me.

 

 

Today I am missing the fire we used to have and the connection. I am in no danger of breaking NC, don't worry, but it makes me feel lonely tonight. I sometimes think that the bests moments I had with him make up for the bad ones. Maybe I wanted to get burned by the fire one last time.

 

 

Just wondering how you are all coping today.

[na49]

I want to let go of hope, but the fact that she came back after 6 months (only to leave me again a year and a half later) leaves me with hope. She's come back once, she has to come back again! ...right?

 

well.. maybe not. Maybe she is more secure with her decision this time, and is in a better place. She has all of her amazing friends who "hear what she doesn't say" and "see what she doesn't do" or whatever. She's got her friend's brother who is her new "best friend". She probably had a crush on him too, just needed to get rid of me to pursue him so she started fights over everything.

 

She was my best friend. I miss that. I miss having someone who I could literally talk to at any time, about anything. Something random happens, I'd tell her. Something random happens now, it just fills me with sadness.

 

Not coping so well tonight.

[Ieris]

I remember holding onto that little bit of hope at the end but after thinking about it when my emotions subsided, I realized I wanted him to come back just so that I can reject him. Pretty childish and pointless really so I got rid of that little lingering of hope and focused on what I really wanted instead

[darkbloom]

I want to let go of hope, but the fact that she came back after 6 months (only to leave me again a year and a half later) leaves me with hope. She's come back once, she has to come back again! ...right?

 

well.. maybe not. Maybe she is more secure with her decision this time, and is in a better place. She has all of her amazing friends who "hear what she doesn't say" and "see what she doesn't do" or whatever. She's got her friend's brother who is her new "best friend". She probably had a crush on him too, just needed to get rid of me to pursue him so she started fights over everything.

 

She was my best friend. I miss that. I miss having someone who I could literally talk to at any time, about anything. Something random happens, I'd tell her. Something random happens now, it just fills me with sadness.

 

Not coping so well tonight.

 

 

 

They come back. In my case he came back three times. Each is more painful when it ends than the last.

 

 

I shouldn't have spent so much time with him because when he is gone, the space he left is infinite.

 

 

I am all about that moving on, but man today is hard.

[na49]

They come back. In my case he came back three times. Each is more painful when it ends than the last.

 

 

I shouldn't have spent so much time with him because when he is gone, the space he left is infinite.

 

 

I am all about that moving on, but man today is hard.

 

Could she really come back? I want to unblock her number just so I know if she is calling me.. but she looked so happy when I saw her Facebook.. There were no traces of her "mourning", everything she was sharing was about how "immature" I was, and how she is excited to "start fresh with all of the great people in her life".

 

I've asked myself recently if I want to be happy for another year or two, or the rest of my life? I can be happy for the rest of my life if I just grow from this loss, but I'd give anything for another chance with her. I'll take my chances on it not working out because I'm obsessed.

 

I think the fact that it is Valentine's Day and we aren't with them is what makes it hard.

[dyna85]

na49, I say go ahead and unblock her. I don't think you should unblock her with the intention of ever letting her back in your life, but I just think if it's bothering you that much to have her blocked, unblocking her but still sticking to nc, may be the way to go. Unblocking does not equal breaking nc. It's just a more traditional approach. I mean, in the old days, they didn't have call block, and people survived then, so why not just do it that way. I think it's only natural to not completely block someone. It doesn't mean you ever have to respond if they ever reach out to you. You still have that choice.

Edited February 15, 2015 by dyna85

[darkbloom]

Could she really come back? I want to unblock her number just so I know if she is calling me.. but she looked so happy when I saw her Facebook.. There were no traces of her "mourning", everything she was sharing was about how "immature" I was, and how she is excited to "start fresh with all of the great people in her life".

 

I've asked myself recently if I want to be happy for another year or two, or the rest of my life? I can be happy for the rest of my life if I just grow from this loss, but I'd give anything for another chance with her. I'll take my chances on it not working out because I'm obsessed.

 

I think the fact that it is Valentine's Day and we aren't with them is what makes it hard.

 

 

 

If she is posting about you on facebook, she is definitely still thinking about you. But I think you (like me) need to break your unhealthy addiction to her. You can unblock her on your phone but staring at that **** waiting for it to ring is not healthy. I am breaking my unhealthy way of thinking about him and I am truly taking him off of his pedestal.

 

 

I truly do not think I could survive another breakup with him. I am emotionally spent and the fear of going through that would prevent me from entering into anything with him again. Even with that little piece of hope talking to me.

[na49]

If she is posting about you on facebook, she is definitely still thinking about you. But I think you (like me) need to break your unhealthy addiction to her. You can unblock her on your phone but staring at that **** waiting for it to ring is not healthy. I am breaking my unhealthy way of thinking about him and I am truly taking him off of his pedestal.

 

 

I truly do not think I could survive another breakup with him. I am emotionally spent and the fear of going through that would prevent me from entering into anything with him again. Even with that little piece of hope talking to me.

 

I guess what I mean is that she isn't thinking about me the way that I want to. Plus, that was then, she may be over posting things about me now. Her "thinking about me" is her basically saying "good riddance, I have better people in my life than you, and I can do better than you". Plus there weren't many posts about that. Most of them were about her moving on, and gushing about how great her friends are. It just hurts so bad that she isn't sad about losing the person she was with for almost 3 years.

 

I took your permission to unblock her lol. I keep looking over at my phone, but I may play a video game or something so at least my focus isn't on her. I fight myself over whether I should keep her blocked or not. I don't have anyone texting me really, so whenever my phone goes off I always think it is her. I have an iPhone so reapplying the block is as simple as taking it off. I have it off for right now, maybe I'll put it back on later.

 

It's really a lose/lose. I either have her blocked and don't know if she is trying to text me, OR I have her unblocked and I know that she isn't trying to text me.

[darkbloom]

I guess what I mean is that she isn't thinking about me the way that I want to. Plus, that was then, she may be over posting things about me now. Her "thinking about me" is her basically saying "good riddance, I have better people in my life than you, and I can do better than you". Plus there weren't many posts about that. Most of them were about her moving on, and gushing about how great her friends are. It just hurts so bad that she isn't sad about losing the person she was with for almost 3 years.

 

I took your permission to unblock her lol. I keep looking over at my phone, but I may play a video game or something so at least my focus isn't on her. I fight myself over whether I should keep her blocked or not. I don't have anyone texting me really, so whenever my phone goes off I always think it is her. I have an iPhone so reapplying the block is as simple as taking it off. I have it off for right now, maybe I'll put it back on later.

 

It's really a lose/lose. I either have her blocked and don't know if she is trying to text me, OR I have her unblocked and I know that she isn't trying to text me.

 

 

 

You've heard this all before but even that you know what she is posting on facebook is creating a roadblock for yourself. With that being said, anyone who has to post about how great their friends are does NOT have great friends. And anyone who has to post that they are over you and moving on is NOT over you. It's a small victory to know that she is struggling. If you are being honest and logical you will know that she is hurting and missing you even if she does NOT want to get back together.

 

 

Having her back right now is NOT going to fix the issues you both have. If it will be, it will be. But not without some pain and suffering.

[na49]

You've heard this all before but even that you know what she is posting on facebook is creating a roadblock for yourself. With that being said, anyone who has to post about how great their friends are does NOT have great friends. And anyone who has to post that they are over you and moving on is NOT over you. It's a small victory to know that she is struggling. If you are being honest and logical you will know that she is hurting and missing you even if she does NOT want to get back together.

 

 

Having her back right now is NOT going to fix the issues you both have. If it will be, it will be. But not without some pain and suffering.

 

I guess it's a small victory if she is struggling, or missing me. but I'd rather believe that she doesn't miss me than that she does. If she misses me, I want her to come busting the door down and telling me that. If she misses me, why would she shut me out when I asked if I could call her? Why would she be so short with me when I told her how badly I was hurt?

 

You make a good point about her friends though. Her friends can't be that great if she has to post about them. She exaggerates everything, and makes her friends seem like these super amazing people. I met her friends. They are nice, but they aren't any better than me. Most of them are super immature. They just looked really good because they were there comforting her when we had arguments. Instead of trying to talk to me, she went to them. Then she has the audacity to get mad at me for wanting to talk to people that I know during a fight.. They heard an awful lot of negative things about me, but she conveniently leaves out every good thing that I ever did for this girl..

 

sorry for stealing your thread lol. Got a lot of feelings tonight.

[darkbloom]

I guess it's a small victory if she is struggling, or missing me. but I'd rather believe that she doesn't miss me than that she does. If she misses me, I want her to come busting the door down and telling me that. If she misses me, why would she shut me out when I asked if I could call her? Why would she be so short with me when I told her how badly I was hurt?

 

You make a good point about her friends though. Her friends can't be that great if she has to post about them. She exaggerates everything, and makes her friends seem like these super amazing people. I met her friends. They are nice, but they aren't any better than me. Most of them are super immature. They just looked really good because they were there comforting her when we had arguments. Instead of trying to talk to me, she went to them. Then she has the audacity to get mad at me for wanting to talk to people that I know during a fight.. They heard an awful lot of negative things about me, but she conveniently leaves out every good thing that I ever did for this girl..

 

sorry for stealing your thread lol. Got a lot of feelings tonight.

 

 

 

I am at work trying to kill time until I can leave and go snuggle with my dog so I don't mind

 

 

You and I both know that even if she was hurting and DID bust down your door wanting to reconcile that it would blow up in your face. There is clear healing that needs to be done here and issues that need to be worked on.

 

 

I am able to stick to NC because I know he has not changed. Opening yourself back up for heartache is not worth it.

[erklat]

Staring at her fakebook over analyzing and doing any deliberate

action like unblocking her is also violation of NC.

[na49]

Staring at her fakebook over analyzing and doing any deliberate

action like unblocking her is also violation of NC.

 

I looked at her Facebook on Tuesday, and haven't looked at it since. Also, unblocking her number may be a "violation of NC" but it isn't really sending me backwards that much. I've been weighing whether or not I want to keep her blocked for almost 2 weeks now.

[ZiggyZoo]

I personally had that last little bit of hope ripped away when I broke NC, called him and left a message, and got no reply. I'm not only dumped, but pregnant by him, and I was making one last ditch effort to get him involved in the pregnancy. I guess having this happen it is a good thing, because I didn't really think I WAS holding onto any hope, but judging by how crushed I was, it was there alright.

 

Now I'm sad AND angry, which is a dangerous combination. I want so badly to let all our mutual friends know what a douchebag he is, and what he's done. His band is playing in a few weeks, and I want to show up and tell anyone who asks what happened. The only thing stopping me from that is the knowledge that it would devastate me if he showed up with another girl. Plus, I have much more class and self-respect than that.

 

So yeah, breaking NC actually kind of helped, even if it sucks right now.

[Flabreakup]

Wow ziggy zoo I really feel your pain. I can't believe someone would do something like that even after a breakup. I'm on week two here of losing my fiancé and daughter so I know a little about a little. I'm a man and woke up in tears today so I can't help but want you to know there are others out there too.

[Itspointless]

I looked at her Facebook on Tuesday, and haven't looked at it since. Also, unblocking her number may be a "violation of NC" but it isn't really sending me backwards that much. I've been weighing whether or not I want to keep her blocked for almost 2 weeks now.

Unblocking is not a violation of no contact, contacting or looking at what she does is. No contact is about not knowing what she is doing so you can detach. I have never blocked my ex anywhere, I just do not get updates on my homepage on Facebook. Works for me, last time I looked, is almost a year ago. She is not the only ex I have on my Facebook.

[creyente7]

Letting go of hope is probably one of the hardest, longest part of the healing process. I believe that once you get passed that, healing becomes a hundred times easier. Its been 4 months for me, I don't get sad anymore, but you just have those moments when you think to yourself "Man, I miss her" but what is it that I really miss? Its the idea of the relationship. Despite how horrible the breakup was for me, there were good times. I go back into old memories because, well, it were good memories!

 

You'll always have those wishes that things could have been different. Its a life lesson for me though, ive learned alot. I was so ignorant and immature, always trying to prove to myself I could do so much better, find someone better, but here I am still searching. Ive had sex with 3 different girls but its meaningless sex, and its not enjoyable. I now know to treat the next girl better. Im more respectful towards women, more understanding.

 

I may be off topic but to answer your question. I guess I'm doing well letting go of that last bit of hope. Not completely there but im getting close. It may be a month from now, or years, or till I find the next girl but I'm not rushing it.

[Jimmyjackson]

Letting go of hope is probably one of the hardest, longest part of the healing process. I believe that once you get passed that, healing becomes a hundred times easier. Its been 4 months for me, I don't get sad anymore, but you just have those moments when you think to yourself "Man, I miss her" but what is it that I really miss? Its the idea of the relationship. Despite how horrible the breakup was for me, there were good times. I go back into old memories because, well, it were good memories!

 

You'll always have those wishes that things could have been different. Its a life lesson for me though, ive learned alot. I was so ignorant and immature, always trying to prove to myself I could do so much better, find someone better, but here I am still searching. Ive had sex with 3 different girls but its meaningless sex, and its not enjoyable. I now know to treat the next girl better. Im more respectful towards women, more understanding.

 

I may be off topic but to answer your question. I guess I'm doing well letting go of that last bit of hope. Not completely there but im getting close. It may be a month from now, or years, or till I find the next girl but I'm not rushing it.

 

This post pretty much sums me up too, I'm about 5 months post break up and although I'm not 100% healed I am quite close I think. No urge to contact, haven't spoken to each other in 4 months but I still do find that I miss her. She has a new boyfriend now and I think that's the only thing that bothers me, knowing she's happy and with someone else, and I, the person dumped, is still single.

 

I feel like I need to get rid of that last bit of her in my mind...finally let go for good, I just don't know how to. Maybe when I meet someone else I'll realise I only wasn't over her because I felt lonely? I think meeting someone else is like the final nail in the coffin, you meet this great new person and all of a sudden your ex is no more.

[creyente7]

This post pretty much sums me up too, I'm about 5 months post break up and although I'm not 100% healed I am quite close I think. No urge to contact, haven't spoken to each other in 4 months but I still do find that I miss her. She has a new boyfriend now and I think that's the only thing that bothers me, knowing she's happy and with someone else, and I, the person dumped, is still single.

 

I feel like I need to get rid of that last bit of her in my mind...finally let go for good, I just don't know how to. Maybe when I meet someone else I'll realise I only wasn't over her because I felt lonely? I think meeting someone else is like the final nail in the coffin, you meet this great new person and all of a sudden your ex is no more.

 

Well you're doing better than me, I could tell you that much I may have a big ego, or seem strong but deep inside I'm weak. I could never imagine seeing her with anyone else. Ive prepared that the time will come but as long as I don't know about it, I'm in the safe. I know one day I will get curious and wonder for myself if she is with someone else but I'm probably wont bother until im completely over it.

 

Im taking care of myself, the last favor i ever asked of my ex was to completely delete me out of her life. Its for the best of both worlds, so yea she blocked me on fb, Instagram, even snapchat. Although she did recently added me on snapchat and has been viewing my stories for god knows what reason, doesn't bother me though because I have no urge to look at her stories. Thats progress I guess but anyways, I salute you for making it through knowing theres another man in the picture. Im sorry that happened to you. But we all have different stories to tell!

[darkbloom]

Letting go of hope is probably one of the hardest, longest part of the healing process. I believe that once you get passed that, healing becomes a hundred times easier. Its been 4 months for me, I don't get sad anymore, but you just have those moments when you think to yourself "Man, I miss her" but what is it that I really miss? Its the idea of the relationship. Despite how horrible the breakup was for me, there were good times. I go back into old memories because, well, it were good memories!

 

You'll always have those wishes that things could have been different. Its a life lesson for me though, ive learned alot. I was so ignorant and immature, always trying to prove to myself I could do so much better, find someone better, but here I am still searching. Ive had sex with 3 different girls but its meaningless sex, and its not enjoyable. I now know to treat the next girl better. Im more respectful towards women, more understanding.

 

I may be off topic but to answer your question. I guess I'm doing well letting go of that last bit of hope. Not completely there but im getting close. It may be a month from now, or years, or till I find the next girl but I'm not rushing it.

 

 

Were you the reason for the breakup? It sounds like you didn't treat her very well. Did you ever apologize to her? I'm curious on the breakup and what happened after.

 

I just feel a little lost without him. He's never been able to keep NC, so the fact that he is keeping it up when he's the one that made all the mistakes bothers me. I'm moving forward and healing. I just wonder sometimes.

[dyna85]

Can I just say... I'm finding that hope has a realllllllly long half life? I try to suppress it, do away with it, and ignore it, but sometimes it can't be denied. I'm hoping that the hope goes away for good at some point and that I can truly and really be over this person, for once and for all, because this is no way to live... ugh.

[darkbloom]

Can I just say... I'm finding that hope has a realllllllly long half life? I try to suppress it, do away with it, and ignore it, but sometimes it can't be denied. I'm hoping that the hope goes away for good at some point and that I can truly and really be over this person, for once and for all, because this is no way to live... ugh.

 

 

 

This is what I am suspecting. The hope defies all logic. He lied, manipulated, and cheated on ME. Why should I spend any minute longer thinking about him and hoping he gets in contact with me? I shouldn't. But that little sliver of hope is a convincing bastard.

[dyna85]

This is what I am suspecting. The hope defies all logic. He lied, manipulated, and cheated on ME. Why should I spend any minute longer thinking about him and hoping he gets in contact with me? I shouldn't. But that little sliver of hope is a convincing bastard.

 

Oh, yes it is. Hope is a mighty biatcchhhhh. The hope and the heart both defy logic. It's crazy annoying.

[na49]

Unblocking is not a violation of no contact, contacting or looking at what she does is. No contact is about not knowing what she is doing so you can detach. I have never blocked my ex anywhere, I just do not get updates on my homepage on Facebook. Works for me, last time I looked, is almost a year ago. She is not the only ex I have on my Facebook.

 

That's fair. I really don't want to look again because I am afraid of what I will find. I'm trying hard to focus on me, but when you make someone else your world for 3 years it's really hard to detach from that.

 

Also, screw hope lol. There's no getting rid of it. We can see them hooking up with new people, holding a sign that says "I don't want you anymore" and still think "well.. maybe they'll change their mind after a while"

[Itspointless]

That's fair. I really don't want to look again because I am afraid of what I will find. I'm trying hard to focus on me, but when you make someone else your world for 3 years it's really hard to detach from that.

 

Also, screw hope lol. There's no getting rid of it. We can see them hooking up with new people, holding a sign that says "I don't want you anymore" and still think "well.. maybe they'll change their mind after a while"

Well the problem is that hope has not much to do with our logical capacities. She is ingrained in your brain on many levels. Did you know that the brain of partners even show similarity on a neurological level? There is even evidence that witnessing pain of a partner is processed as having pain yourself. Give yourself time, and be kind to what you feel.