Letting go of hope

[privategal]

That's fair. I really don't want to look again because I am afraid of what I will find. I'm trying hard to focus on me, but when you make someone else your world for 3 years it's really hard to detach from that.

 

Also, screw hope lol. There's no getting rid of it. We can see them hooking up with new people, holding a sign that says "I don't want you anymore" and still think "well.. maybe they'll change their mind after a while"

 

 

Why don't you deactivate your fb account for awhile?

That way you don't need to block her nor take the risk of relapse, you can just deactivate with the option of reopening later.

It truly helps, you have no choice then to focus on you. The1st few days feel weird then you feel free and less anxious. No one on your list is defriended either, when you open your account back up everything is the same. Give it a rest and it will allow you some time to get yourself back. Whats a few months away from FB? Just go to the gym, a rockclimbing place, a 2day trip to the mountains or the beach, join meetups, join a band lol. Right now....all about YOU! Its sounds cliché but it will work if you just move forward in baby steps. It hurts right now, but do it anyways! Were all healing here, its a brutal process but we have no choice! We can do this!

[darkbloom]

Letting go of hope is probably one of the hardest, longest part of the healing process. I believe that once you get passed that, healing becomes a hundred times easier. Its been 4 months for me, I don't get sad anymore, but you just have those moments when you think to yourself "Man, I miss her" but what is it that I really miss? Its the idea of the relationship. Despite how horrible the breakup was for me, there were good times. I go back into old memories because, well, it were good memories!

 

You'll always have those wishes that things could have been different. Its a life lesson for me though, ive learned alot. I was so ignorant and immature, always trying to prove to myself I could do so much better, find someone better, but here I am still searching. Ive had sex with 3 different girls but its meaningless sex, and its not enjoyable. I now know to treat the next girl better. Im more respectful towards women, more understanding.

 

I may be off topic but to answer your question. I guess I'm doing well letting go of that last bit of hope. Not completely there but im getting close. It may be a month from now, or years, or till I find the next girl but I'm not rushing it.

 

 

 

I feel solidly like I'm not ready to date anyone for a long time. Which I know is okay. I feel like its lost time though especially when I'm still young. I can't do the meaningless sex or hookups. It makes me feel dead inside. I should basically just send myself to the nunnery already.

[darkbloom]

I woke up this morning with my rose colored glasses off. I feel like I've been able to finally knock him off the pedestal he was on. It took two months, but I've finally realized that he is not that great of a person. I started to think of all the good times we had and realized that even when we were having fun, I was always walking on eggshells. Waiting for him to break up with me. Waiting for him to lie to me again. Always wanting more from him than he was willing to give me. That is no way to live life. I'm not beating myself up anymore about being in this situation.

 

I'm very happy that I have maintained NC and deleted his number. I feel better about all of the positive things I've done for my health and my happiness. I feel like a winner for not checking any of his social media. I feel like a ninja having successfully dodged him in our mutual friends hangouts. I feel like since this breakup was the hardest thing I've done that I can tackle anything. Everything is looking up.

 

When you let go of things you've been holding on to so tight, you end up with everything you need.

 

I hope everyone is having a good day.

[MajorOak]

I remember reading some words from another member in here,

"Hope is the last thing to die"............. powerful eh?

[Itspointless]

I remember reading some words from another member in here,

"Hope is the last thing to die"............. powerful eh?

It is, although for me it isn't the hope. I have long lost hope. For me it is the sadness about the circumstances.

[darkbloom]

I still feel like every car that pulls into my lot is him. Does that ever die?

[na49]

I still feel like every car that pulls into my lot is him. Does that ever die?

 

I think that feeling dies once you stop hoping that it will be him.

[MajorOak]

I think that feeling dies once you stop hoping that it will be him.

 

and also the rest of you has changed, your heart just needs to catch up...................... and it will.

[darkbloom]

My heart doesn't listen to my head. My head knows it's not him. My heart knows exactly what his car sounds like pulling into my space.

 

I don't even want to see him. Maybe it's like my heart is having flashbacks of what used to be. And every time a car pulls in it triggers it.

 

I am moving on. I just need my heart to catch up!!

[dontexpect]

I want to let go of hope, but the fact that she came back after 6 months (only to leave me again a year and a half later) leaves me with hope. She's come back once, she has to come back again! ...right?

 

well.. maybe not. Maybe she is more secure with her decision this time, and is in a better place. She has all of her amazing friends who "hear what she doesn't say" and "see what she doesn't do" or whatever. She's got her friend's brother who is her new "best friend". She probably had a crush on him too, just needed to get rid of me to pursue him so she started fights over everything.

 

She was my best friend. I miss that. I miss having someone who I could literally talk to at any time, about anything. Something random happens, I'd tell her. Something random happens now, it just fills me with sadness.

 

Not coping so well tonight.

 

Hello again! I feel this so much. My ex was my best friend, too. But now I don't think she needs me anymore because she now has lots of friends and she is probably pursuing someone else. I know what you mean about having that person you can to about anything. No matter how random. It fills me with sadness as well. What I miss the most was our closeness. And I'm not that friendly to be immediately close to someone. So I invested a loton her and our relationship. And now it is gone.

[darkbloom]

Hello again! I feel this so much. My ex was my best friend, too. But now I don't think she needs me anymore because she now has lots of friends and she is probably pursuing someone else. I know what you mean about having that person you can to about anything. No matter how random. It fills me with sadness as well. What I miss the most was our closeness. And I'm not that friendly to be immediately close to someone. So I invested a loton her and our relationship. And now it is gone.

 

My ex was mine as well. He is gone, but I will be better off. The best part is knowing him so well, I know he is hurting more than I am. And he deserves it. For all the ****ty things he did.

[darkbloom]

Friend texted me and wanted to send me a screenshot of something he liked on Facebook. I told her NO that will not help my healing. She did not send me. I am being strong. If I wanted to see that **** I would not have blocked him on Facebook.

 

My friend says I am her inspiration. I'm being strong and healing!!

[darkbloom]

I thought I would send a quick update on the status of my coping.

 

I felt the best I have ever felt today. I was happy. I smiled all day. I went to dinner and actually enjoyed the company of my friend. I only thought of him once. He did not come up at all in our conversation even though he works right down the way from her. I was worried about my healing after Valentine's Day but all is well! YAY!

 

I literally feel like I can tackle anything now. I did hot yoga four times this week (helps so much, seriously would recommend this to everyone). I am in a wedding next week that I am so excited for.

 

To all those struggling, the darkness and hopelessness goes away. I promise. Keep your head up and keep NC. It is the only way out of the rabbit hole.

[crazycanuck86]

I finally got the NC thing stuck in my head now so I won't continue to make the same mistakes that only re ripped the wound wide open. I admit that its hard at times because I do miss her a lot...however at the same time I know that its for the best.

[darkbloom]

Today officially marks 2 months strict NC! YAHOOOOOO!!!!! I did not peek once at his social media, drive by his house, or go anywhere near where I knew he would be. I did not receive any second hand information from friends either. Who knew I could be this strong?? It only took three times for me to touch the stove before I learned that it is indeed hot and that I will get burned. Every time.

 

I feel like I have survived and been released from the mental prison he put me in. I still think about him occasionally, but it is not the obsessive constant thoughts I was having post breakup. Now when I think of him, I usually think something negative about him and he goes away.

 

YAY! How is everyone else coping today??

 

[dyna85]

Congrats darkbloom. I'm at the same checkpoint as you, but not feeling so hot. It seems like I'm going nowhere fast, to be honest. Especially today, for some reason. It's been quite a journey, and I'm far from recovered it seems. My heart is not coping so well with this loss. Sometimes I try telling my heart to move the heck on already, but it doesn't want to listen... it learns the hard way... always.

[na49]

Today officially marks 2 months strict NC! YAHOOOOOO!!!!! I did not peek once at his social media, drive by his house, or go anywhere near where I knew he would be. I did not receive any second hand information from friends either. Who knew I could be this strong?? It only took three times for me to touch the stove before I learned that it is indeed hot and that I will get burned. Every time.

 

I feel like I have survived and been released from the mental prison he put me in. I still think about him occasionally, but it is not the obsessive constant thoughts I was having post breakup. Now when I think of him, I usually think something negative about him and he goes away.

 

YAY! How is everyone else coping today??

 

 

That's pretty inspiring. I guess with time we just learn to live with missing them, and eventually have to remind ourselves that we miss them.

 

I'm coping alright today. I'm just trying to push through the negative feelings. No amount of being sad will bring her back, so I might as well try to be happy without her. I was talking to a friend last night and he reminded me that I actually had a life, and was happy before I knew she existed. I need to get back to that point. Hopefully I will at some point. I've been through this before and know I won't be over it any time soon. I just want to get over it at some point.

[darkbloom]

Congrats darkbloom. I'm at the same checkpoint as you, but not feeling so hot. It seems like I'm going nowhere fast, to be honest. Especially today, for some reason. It's been quite a journey, and I'm far from recovered it seems. My heart is not coping so well with this loss. Sometimes I try telling my heart to move the heck on already, but it doesn't want to listen... it learns the hard way... always.

 

My biggest aha moment was when I thought about all of the great things he has missed out in my life:

 

-I am in the best shape of my life. I was a size 10 at the start of the relationship and a size 4 now. All of my clothes are too big and that is exciting. I get to shop for new things and donate all of those old clothes and old memories.

-I have always been active, but I have literally been doing a new activity every week. I have learned salsa dancing, hot yoga, and am doing a kick boxing class next month. Stuff that he would never have done with me or supported me doing.

-My job is going better than ever. I am looking at a promotion in the next 6 months and I make very good money.

-Not being in a relationship has forced me to make all kinds of new friends. I am focusing my energy on being a better friend and cultivating those relationships.

-I have two vacations booked for this year with friends and couldn't be more excited.

 

I then looked at his life as though I was an outside observer. And I realized that he is not going anywhere. He is literally stuck and knowing our mutual friends has probably heard stories of how amazing I am doing and how awesome I look. Why would I want to invite that back into my life to drag me down?

 

I miss him still but everyday gets a little easier.

[darkbloom]

That's pretty inspiring. I guess with time we just learn to live with missing them, and eventually have to remind ourselves that we miss them.

 

I'm coping alright today. I'm just trying to push through the negative feelings. No amount of being sad will bring her back, so I might as well try to be happy without her. I was talking to a friend last night and he reminded me that I actually had a life, and was happy before I knew she existed. I need to get back to that point. Hopefully I will at some point. I've been through this before and know I won't be over it any time soon. I just want to get over it at some point.

 

Na-- You will, I promise. The first month of NC was obsessive hell. I was having angry conversations with him in my head and reviewing the breakup over and over. One of the girls I work with told me that she had enough of hearing about it one day. I looked at her and was like, did I really boil down all of our conversations into him and make it about me? And the answer was yes. I stopped that immediately. Turned to LS when I needed to vent but otherwise made sure that everything that came out of my mouth was positive. I started attracting new friends and guys started asking me out. I was confident, fearless, and happy before I met him. Why should that change just because he is out of my life? It did because I let it. Well no more. I am back and better than ever. I just lost my way for a little bit.

 

You have picked yourself up piece by piece. It is time to rebuild the best version of you. Start making an effort to speak positive, even if she is always in the back of your mind. Eventually she will die down. I have faith that she will regret breaking up with you and you will be so far over her it won't even be funny.

[darkbloom]

Now that I am past the 60 day NC mark, I am going to make an effort to stop counting the days. I had to count them in the beginning to even be able to get out of bed in the morning. To show myself that I can live without him. That I do not need to measure my power by the number of days I have been silent.

 

 

This is a memory that I wish I could share with him today. Since I have committed to my healing, I won't send it. But I will share it with you.

 

 

I wore a pair of shorts to work today that I haven't worn in a long time. They aren't anything special really, other than the fact that you liked them. The last time I wore them was October 30, 2014. Do you remember? A DJ we both liked was playing in our college town at a spot we both used to get drunk at. You asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes. We got there a little bit early and found a table on the patio. A lot of characters in costume came to our table to talk to us. We had forgotten our costumes. One of them asked if he could sit down. He looked from me to you and then back at me again. I'll never forget what he said: "I can tell that the two of you love each other very much. I can feel the energy of it and I'm drawn to it just like you are. I wish that I could find someone that radiates the same energy that you two do. You belong together." I looked at you after he left. I told you that even perfect strangers feel us when we walk into a room. You just stared at me skeptically. I don't think you've ever believed in love or that I could love you, and in fact did. You could also never admit your love for anyone else, including me. I think you saw love as a weakness and a chance for someone to hurt you. That didn't stop you from taking my hand and my drink and leading me to the dance floor. You danced every song with me, even though you hate dancing. Even when drunk dudes ran into you and tried to put their hands on me. You held your ground. Afterwards, we were sweaty and drunk and giggly and happy.

 

 

The memory is bittersweet. I am at a place in my healing where I can savor the memory and be grateful that I got to experience that type of happiness with you. I have let go of most of my anger. I can now see the good moments that were hidden by the awful things you did. My hope that you would see everything the way that the rest of the world saw us is almost gone. It took a lot to do it, what with the cheating and all that. But your commitment to NC as well as mine has shown me that I will be fine without you.

[darkbloom]

My mom brought him up in conversation today. I hadn't told her about the final breakup. She knew about the two previous ones and that we had been on rocky ground for the latter part of our relationship. I did not tell her because she hovers. And wants to ask me about him everyday, especially early in the morning when I am not fit to be spoken to. Anyway, when she asked why I got kind of angry about the whole thing. When I speak it out loud, it still crawls under my skin. I am trying to let it go. I promise. If he were to contact me, I know I would still respond in anger. Which means I am not done healing.

 

Does anyone have any tips for letting go of anger? I really want to. I am working on my forgiveness and my gratitude. I feel like he still has control over me if something in the past that happened can make me angry. It's not like anything new can make me angry because I am still 100% NC. I am much happier than I was when I was with him. It's a positive side effect of the break up. But that boiling in my stomach still simmers sometimes.

 

Maybe I am just having a weird night.

[AprilTears]

I'm having a really hard time. I've known the end was near for almost a month now but I was trying so very hard to fix whatever happened. I've loved him unconditionally the entire relationship (trust me, that was not easy) and I made one mistake (called him a name) and he went dark on me.

 

After all I have put up with a forgave him for he could not look past it. I ended it today because he's been making me suffer greatly. I never begged for forgiveness but I did ask for us to discuss it. He refused. I gave up.

 

He told me he appreciated me trying. That hurt. He didn't try once. I wasn't looking for him to chase me but his total lack of care and respect for me is killing my heart.

 

He's so selfish and I know this is best for me but man it hurts so bad!

[darkbloom]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. The first few weeks after the breakup are hard. I would wake up in the middle of the night having anxiety attacks that would turn into anger. I wasn't able to fall back asleep because I would replay what happened over and over again. He was on my mind all the time.

 

I just don't understand how someone can say that they care about you and then do all of these things to hurt you. Why do they get a say in my happiness? Its been almost 3 months since the break up and over 2 months NC and I still care.

[AprilTears]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. The first few weeks after the breakup are hard. I would wake up in the middle of the night having anxiety attacks that would turn into anger. I wasn't able to fall back asleep because I would replay what happened over and over again. He was on my mind all the time.

 

I just don't understand how someone can say that they care about you and then do all of these things to hurt you. Why do they get a say in my happiness? Its been almost 3 months since the break up and over 2 months NC and I still care.

 

Thank you. I hear you loud and clear! I hate that it's making me feel worthless. I know that no man should be allowed to make me doubt my self worth but that's what he's done. I just have so many questions and he refused to answer them. He's refused to talk to me.

 

I guess tomorrow will technically be day 1 of no contact since I sent one text this morning and he sent a hurtful one back. I didn't reply and haven't heard from him again. We haven't gone a day in 8 months without being in contact. Reality will hit at the end of the day tomorrow and I'm afraid of it.

 

I keep thinking he may think I'm bluffing and in a few days he'll reach out and ask if I was serious. That's the hope I guess. He's not good for me but I still long for him to be.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. My last break up took me 6 months to get over. And it sucked!! I can't believe I chose so poorly again.

 

I am not looking, talking to or even having coffee or dinner with another man until I'm 100% healed from this nightmare of a relatinship. I have a lot of anger right now. But I'm also in a world of hurt!

[darkbloom]

Thank you. I hear you loud and clear! I hate that it's making me feel worthless. I know that no man should be allowed to make me doubt my self worth but that's what he's done. I just have so many questions and he refused to answer them. He's refused to talk to me.

 

I guess tomorrow will technically be day 1 of no contact since I sent one text this morning and he sent a hurtful one back. I didn't reply and haven't heard from him again. We haven't gone a day in 8 months without being in contact. Reality will hit at the end of the day tomorrow and I'm afraid of it.

 

I keep thinking he may think I'm bluffing and in a few days he'll reach out and ask if I was serious. That's the hope I guess. He's not good for me but I still long for him to be.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. My last break up took me 6 months to get over. And it sucked!! I can't believe I chose so poorly again.

 

I am not looking, talking to or even having coffee or dinner with another man until I'm 100% healed from this nightmare of a relatinship. I have a lot of anger right now. But I'm also in a world of hurt!

 

I thought my ex would text me first. We have broken up several times and gotten back together in the past. He would always break NC first. This time he really messed up and be can't blame me for the last fight that we had. I can't beleive he hasn't come crawling back to my front door apologizing for what a scum bag he turned out to be.

 

I'm not dating anyone either and I think it's for the best. When guys ask me out I just tell them that I'm going through a really hard time and they drop it.

 

Focusing on my health and my fitness has helped a lot. But I still have days where I can't beleive that I'm in this situation. We would text each other all the time. 5000+ texts a month. Some days I will go whole days without texts from anyone.

 

I know he's not right for me but I still miss him. I miss talking to him. I'm still angry at him though.

 

I want to be on the other side of this already. It's so freaking hard.