Letting go of hope

[darkbloom]

Today is 7 months NC. I really didn't notice the date until I came here to post an update. I currently am sitting next to the ocean with a massive hangover.

 

I met with an old friend last night for dinner. I had to drive an hour from where I'm staying but it was worth it. We had dinner and wine and talked forever. We went back to his house and we pretty much stayed up talking. He and I have have always had great chemistry. We had one very drunk hookup once that was interrupted and never came of anything. I ended up opening up to him a lot more than I have to anyone in awhile. Maybe because he has a girlfriend I feel safe that he cant hurt me with the things I shared. And the wine helped. At one point, we were sitting on the couch leg to leg. I looked at him and knew what direction it could go. I think we both chose to not let it go there. I slept on the couch and he in his bed with the door firmly closed. My ex once told me he would never trust me or anyone in a room alone with this friend. And I can't help but think that maybe my ex was referring to himself. I've never felt safer sleeping in someplace that wasn't my own bed than last night.

 

I am writing this hungover and sleepy but happy. This friend, even though he lives 6 hours away will always be a 3am. I would be able to call him for anything at 3am and he would be there. No questions asked. It's nice to know that as much as some things change, others remain the same.

[Speirling]

Hey DB,

 

All kinds of stuff has kicked off in my life, and still the first person I want to tell is him...

I've likened this kind of breakup to this before on LS, but it is like smoking. The physical addiction passes reasonably quickly (albeit excruciatingly painfully!) but the psychological addiction takes longer. Much, much longer. And when it bites, it really hurts.

I'm not sure I'll ever lose my hope. For me personally, I don't think I can. I was in love with this guy, as I thought, but actually I was in love with his potential in many ways.

I'm so pleased that you had that experience with your friend. I've called this "dating my friends". I've discovered (I guess remembered?) a lot about myself and what people value about me by spending time with both old and new friends. Keep doing it. Remember why these people who would answer a call at 3am if your name popped up would do so. Do the same for them.

The people who left us-they left. The friends who have helped us to pick up the pieces and would answer our calls at 3am are why we should keep going.

Keep sitting by the ocean and let it breathe for you sometimes.

Sxxx

[darkbloom]

Hey DB,

 

All kinds of stuff has kicked off in my life, and still the first person I want to tell is him...

I've likened this kind of breakup to this before on LS, but it is like smoking. The physical addiction passes reasonably quickly (albeit excruciatingly painfully!) but the psychological addiction takes longer. Much, much longer. And when it bites, it really hurts.

I'm not sure I'll ever lose my hope. For me personally, I don't think I can. I was in love with this guy, as I thought, but actually I was in love with his potential in many ways.

I'm so pleased that you had that experience with your friend. I've called this "dating my friends". I've discovered (I guess remembered?) a lot about myself and what people value about me by spending time with both old and new friends. Keep doing it. Remember why these people who would answer a call at 3am if your name popped up would do so. Do the same for them.

The people who left us-they left. The friends who have helped us to pick up the pieces and would answer our calls at 3am are why we should keep going.

Keep sitting by the ocean and let it breathe for you sometimes.

Sxxx

 

I found a card that he wrote me today when I was cleaning out my room. It doesn't sting as much. What I have to remember is that if he really cared, then he would be here in my life apologizing and trying to make it right. There is so much I want to tell him. But this is for the best.

 

I keep taking steps forward everyday. That is all I can do.

[Speirling]

I've had a big dip today- went to our old (shared with 5 ppl) flat when I knew he was at work to get the rest of my stuff I would have been sad to lose. My NC has been v strict, being in the house gave me way more info about his life than stalking on FB would have. It was awful and I wish I didn't know. But the new thing is that I know it's a dip. It's like a new blister on a callous like when you learn guitar? Not as sharp but with echoes of the original scar.

 

I guess the ridiculous optimist in me knows that where there's one ok, or even good, day, there's the possibility of more.

 

I hope you're doing alright.

 

Sxxx

[minimariah]

just wanted to tell you darkbloom -- been reading your thread from the start - you're seem and come off like such an amazing person who has a LOT to give & i'm super glad to see that you're healing... one day at a time.

 

you dealt with this really great!

[darkbloom]

just wanted to tell you darkbloom -- been reading your thread from the start - you're seem and come off like such an amazing person who has a LOT to give & i'm super glad to see that you're healing... one day at a time.

 

you dealt with this really great!

 

Thank you minimariah!

 

I have been doing exceptionally well. My biggest goal is to move into indifference. NC is the best tool to get there and I am happy to say that it's been almost 8 months with no slip ups.

 

Even if my ex couldn't see it, I have a lot to give. I still miss him but I won't tolerate anyone in my life who treats me as less than I deserve. I hope that others can see where I started (or close to started as I started posting to LS one month NC and two months post bu) and see that they too can do it.

 

I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

 

Hugs and positive vibes,

 

db

[darkbloom]

Hey everyone.

 

The days pass by so quickly that sometimes I look up and can't believe how long it's been and that August is already half over. I am here and I have survived. I cannot even remember the pain I was in back in December.

 

I should probably put myself back out there and start dating again. I am out of practice and not really sure how these things work anymore. It's been a battlefield out here in the dating world. My friends joke and call me home-wrecking-whore because only married men ask me out on dates. I would NEVER date anyone married or in a relationship because that's not how I operate, but my friends think it's funny that single men never ask me out. I lose a little faith in relationships when that happens. (Also losing faith in the institution of marriage but that's for another thread.)

 

There's a lot of good guys out there. I am sending my positive energy to you. There are good women out there (like me) who are waiting to find you. Keep your head up.

 

xoxoxo,

 

db

[kenmore]

Hey DB,

 

All kinds of stuff has kicked off in my life, and still the first person I want to tell is him...

 

Speirling, this irony in my life right now is that what my wife needed from me while we were married was good employment. That seems to be happening now just weeks after we're divorced but the series of events that brought it about would not have happened if we didn't divorce. I want to share with her that I will now have a job that pays as much as hers, but there's no point! To emphasize it, the job is taking me out of the state so we couldn't be together even if she wanted to be; and of course she doesn't. Marriage to her and this job are mutually exclusive. I'm really glad to get this job! Screw her.

 

I found a card that he wrote me today when I was cleaning out my room. It doesn't sting as much. What I have to remember is that if he really cared, then he would be here in my life apologizing and trying to make it right. There is so much I want to tell him. But this is for the best.

 

DB, I was looking for my business license today and came across a note from her on a benefit form and she signed it "love x" (she signed her name of course.) I looked to find a date, and it only served as a reminder that she TOLD me she loved me then. I still don't believe people fall out of love. I think when that happens, they never really were in the first place.

 

Also of course the form means nothing anymore. It was from years ago and the benefit it contained is long gone. So why didn't I throw it out today?

 

Can anyone tell me why?

 

Ken

[Oregon_Dude]

I just discovered your thread, db, and am very inspired, and proud of you. Life and love are sad endeavors. But obviously we don't want to be with cheaters, liars, manipulators. Problem is, those very same liars could often be very sweet and caring at times. And we loved them.

 

Some new guy will make your ex look like the a-hole that he truly is. A lot of times, it's the memories and the relationship that we miss - not the person. Finding the difference is the tricky part.

 

In the meantime, I think I'll watch Eternal Sunshine again. Thanks for being so awesome and keeping us all inspired that we'll get over our own sagas (which, are really all the same as each other's!!).

[darkbloom]

I just discovered your thread, db, and am very inspired, and proud of you. Life and love are sad endeavors. But obviously we don't want to be with cheaters, liars, manipulators. Problem is, those very same liars could often be very sweet and caring at times. And we loved them.

 

Some new guy will make your ex look like the a-hole that he truly is. A lot of times, it's the memories and the relationship that we miss - not the person. Finding the difference is the tricky part.

 

In the meantime, I think I'll watch Eternal Sunshine again. Thanks for being so awesome and keeping us all inspired that we'll get over our own sagas (which, are really all the same as each other's!!).

 

Thanks Oregon dude! I firmly believe that my ex is not a bad person. Just someone who suffers from extremely low self confidence and poor decision making. It's unfortunate really.

 

I miss him as a person. His good qualities anyway. It's not as simple as just turning off how I feel about him. Even if I'm angry at him and even if I'm ashamed of him. He is someone I loved.

[darkbloom]

Holy crap. So I just had a run in with my ex. I walked into the coffee shop next to my work and he's sitting there with a girl at a table. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and proceeded to the counter to order. When he saw that it was me, they took off immediately. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN VEGAS. Why the f-ck would he come to the coffee shop by my work that he knows he could run into me? It doesn't even bother me that he was there with another girl. It bothers me that he chose to come into a place he knows I frequent. And he bolts when he sees me.

 

It's been 8 months. I'm pretty well moved on from him. I just don't understand why he would even chance it.

 

I'm going to be okay. This didn't set me back that much I just would prefer he and I still live in opposite states.

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm going to be okay. This didn't set me back that much I just would prefer he and I still live in opposite states.

Oh good! Focus on this and continue about your life. You're doing great!

[darkbloom]

Oh good! Focus on this and continue about your life. You're doing great!

 

I was surprised that I was more physically responsive to it than emotionally. It's not my business to wonder why he decided to put himself in my orbit. I just need to ignore it.

[darkbloom]

Okay friends. I have been obsessing about the run in all day today. I am going to ramble out all of the crazy thoughts in my head and then we are going to let it go and move on.

 

Short version if you didn't see my other thread: I went in to get coffee before work today. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him. I proceeded to the counter to order. He must have noticed me because he and the girl he was with took off out the front door. I watched them walk to his car and get in and drive away.

 

Thoughts that are causing me to obsess over this:

 

1. He is supposed to be in Vegas. That's where he works and he doesn't believe in things like vacation.

2. I showed him this coffee shop.

3. It is directly next to where I work. WHY THE F-CK DID HE SHOW UP THERE? He knows I go there 1 or 2 times a day for coffee. The chances of running into me are great.

4. This is not his favorite coffee shop. His favorite coffee shop is by his parents house which I have not visited since the breakup. These shops are less than 10 minutes away from each other. Why didn't he go there?

5. WHY THE F-CK DO I CARE?

6. I do not even care that he showed up with another girl. I am flabbergasted that he showed up with her to somewhere with the possibility of running into me.

7. It can't be a good sign if you're dating a dude and he literally has to run you out of a coffee shop to avoid his ex. What kind of guy is such a guilty coward that he has to treat you that way on your coffee date?

8. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

9. DID HE MOVE BACK HOME? I MUCH PREFER THAT WE HAVE SEVERAL HUNDRED MILES BETWEEN US AND STATE LINES.

10. We frequent a lot of the same restaurants. Is this going to happen again?

11. Why did my hands shake and my voice waver when I noticed him? My mind kicked into overdrive. It was like adrenaline or something. I have no idea why my body reacted like that.

12. Why the f-ck is he wearing a cardigan that I bought him in 106 degree weather??????

 

I am surprisingly not upset about the girl. She will learn soon enough that he is psycho. I am sad about her replacing me with his family. Which I guess says a lot about what I feel for him. His family >>>>> Him.

 

I also looked extremely hot today. I am glad I did my hair and makeup and my outfit was on point.

 

Okay. Rant over. Time to refocus on myself and forget I ever knew him. Onward and forward.

[fallenheart]

Hi DarkBloom.

 

I don't know your whole story, but I read the last post about the coffee shop.

 

Unfortunately, I think the answer to all those questions is "nothing."

 

None of it "means" anything. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. If he wanted to say something or see you...he would. He wouldn't wear a sweater or go to a specific coffee shop in an attempt to run into you and send you some coded distress signal.

 

It was just a coincidence. Wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Please try not to read into it and see things that weren't there.

[Oregon_Dude]

I also looked extremely hot today. I am glad I did my hair and makeup and my outfit was on point.

F*ck yeah! This is the kind of positive self-image and affirmation I want you to stick with. I'm sure you looked gorgeous

 

DB, I can definitely understand being shaken up by such an encounter. I have run into exes out and about several times, and it always messes me up - temporarily.

 

I had a feeling you would be thinking about this today, and again, I would be too if I saw the ex out with a a guy (in my case) - that makes it especially tough. Though I am glad you felt bad for her - that's the right attitude. The only reason our exes have an effect on us is because of the time we spent with them. Yours was much longer than mine. Anyway, just to say that there are so many other men out there (and women) who are SO much better in the way they treat people, than our exes.

 

We only think about THEM because they were the last ones we dated.

 

Just want you to know that I think you're super cool and you've inspired me tons. So, try not to get bent out of shape. You deserve a good man!

 

OD

[darkbloom]

F*ck yeah! This is the kind of positive self-image and affirmation I want you to stick with. I'm sure you looked gorgeous

 

DB, I can definitely understand being shaken up by such an encounter. I have run into exes out and about several times, and it always messes me up - temporarily.

 

I had a feeling you would be thinking about this today, and again, I would be too if I saw the ex out with a a guy (in my case) - that makes it especially tough. Though I am glad you felt bad for her - that's the right attitude. The only reason our exes have an effect on us is because of the time we spent with them. Yours was much longer than mine. Anyway, just to say that there are so many other men out there (and women) who are SO much better in the way they treat people, than our exes.

 

We only think about THEM because they were the last ones we dated.

 

Just want you to know that I think you're super cool and you've inspired me tons. So, try not to get bent out of shape. You deserve a good man!

 

OD

 

Thanks OD!

 

I'm trying not to let this impact me. I think I just picked my jaw up off the ground though. It was just so unexpected that he would come near me. Especially since I instituted this NC and I told him to f-ck off and to leave me the hell alone. Apparently leaving me the hell alone means showing up near my work after 8 months. When we first broke up, I made sure to avoid any and all places that we would come into contact. Even though he worked near a place I had to go for work. I would duck in and do what I had to do and then leave. I never lingered. He then moved states in March. That was the BEST thing that could have happened for me. It took the pressure off of running into him and I was able to go back to my normal life and routine. Also, he is the one that ****ed up. Not me. I should have no reason to hide from him. He was afraid I was going to hit him in our last conversation (I would never) so why is he even entertaining coming near me?

 

Maybe the answer is that he just doesn't care. But does someone who bolts the second they see you sound like someone who doesn't care? Me thinks not.

 

I wish I could ask him his thought process around his decision. And then go back to never speaking to him again.

 

I wanted to send him a text that says "I see you're still good at running away." But I won't because I don't have his number anymore and I have too much self respect to open that firmly closed door again.

 

I will feel better tomorrow. Today has been extraordinarily weird. Not just with the ex but with my job and things that happened outside today. Aliens have inhabited my body. I will return tomorrow.

[jen1447]

Breathe DB. Everything's alright. hugs:)

[darkbloom]

Breathe DB. Everything's alright. hugs:)

 

I am trying. The obsessive thoughts have been mostly gone until this morning. Today made me feel similar to the day after the break up. Lots of questions and no answers. The anxiety in my stomach is too much. My track record with him is that nothing good will come from this encounter unless he leaves it alone. I hope he crawls back to wherever he came from. I didn't know I still had this much anger. I am giving myself tonight to get all this anger out (and help a member or two on this forum to put my situation into perspective) and then tomorrow we will forget all about this. No excuses. I will be fine. I will never have all of my questions answered, but it's okay.

 

Ah. Much better.

[kenmore]

Hey DB.

 

I was that guy. Back in April I went back to our old neighborhood (AKA our 'hood' for those who are into rap ) to sell insurance door to door. Why I went there? I told myself it was because I knew people there. She was at work. Daughter was at school. I did get a call from that day.

 

But I think in my heart I knew it was her that drew me there. I had been inching closer every day, I pushed it that day. As I was done with my materials I walked back to my car (near her house) and there they were, just getting home. She saw me, waved me over and we talked. I liked it but she said she needed to go throw up.

 

Yep, it was a lovely encounter. Looking back it was super dumb but I still have a soft spot in my heart for that encounter. I know it meant something to us all, just not enough.

 

I don't think that was the same as yours. My reading on yours was that he had a date, was maybe visiting his parents (ten min isn't much, maybe she lives by there.) Maybe he moved back and is staying with his parents 'till he gets another place.

 

Your quaver...same as my ex needing to barf. Feelings. You can't deny them. They exist.

 

I suspect it was somehow more convenient or nicer than his usual...or they serve something they wanted. It most likely wasn't about you and seeing you made him sh*t his pants LOL!

 

Seriously, you wanted to hit him? You sound like my ex. Not that that's bad.

 

Ken

[kilgore]

I am trying. The obsessive thoughts have been mostly gone until this morning. Today made me feel similar to the day after the break up. Lots of questions and no answers. The anxiety in my stomach is too much. My track record with him is that nothing good will come from this encounter unless he leaves it alone. I hope he crawls back to wherever he came from. I didn't know I still had this much anger. I am giving myself tonight to get all this anger out (and help a member or two on this forum to put my situation into perspective) and then tomorrow we will forget all about this. No excuses. I will be fine. I will never have all of my questions answered, but it's okay.

 

Ah. Much better.

 

Maybe we should all try to make you laugh here

[darkbloom]

Hey DB.

 

I was that guy. Back in April I went back to our old neighborhood (AKA our 'hood' for those who are into rap ) to sell insurance door to door. Why I went there? I told myself it was because I knew people there. She was at work. Daughter was at school. I did get a call from that day.

 

But I think in my heart I knew it was her that drew me there. I had been inching closer every day, I pushed it that day. As I was done with my materials I walked back to my car (near her house) and there they were, just getting home. She saw me, waved me over and we talked. I liked it but she said she needed to go throw up.

 

Yep, it was a lovely encounter. Looking back it was super dumb but I still have a soft spot in my heart for that encounter. I know it meant something to us all, just not enough.

 

I don't think that was the same as yours. My reading on yours was that he had a date, was maybe visiting his parents (ten min isn't much, maybe she lives by there.) Maybe he moved back and is staying with his parents 'till he gets another place.

 

Your quaver...same as my ex needing to barf. Feelings. You can't deny them. They exist.

 

I suspect it was somehow more convenient or nicer than his usual...or they serve something they wanted. It most likely wasn't about you and seeing you made him sh*t his pants LOL!

 

Seriously, you wanted to hit him? You sound like my ex. Not that that's bad.

 

Ken

 

I would never hit anyone out of anger. I think he assumed that I was mad enough that I could or would hit him. Not the case. He asked me if I wanted to hit him. I told him no.

 

Because I know him, I would say that he was subconsciously wanting to run into me. There is no reason for bringing her to that shop. It's not convenient. The parking sucks (and is payed parking btw) there are OTHER locations of this same shop in the city. If he was indeed visiting his parents, he would have to stay with them. There are at least three other good coffee shops near his parents house that do not require driving over by my job.

 

I have enough power over him to send him running out of a coffee shop without a word or even eye contact with me. After 8 months of silence. Imagine how he would have felt if I could have given him a look?

 

AH.

[darkbloom]

Maybe we should all try to make you laugh here

 

please do. my coworkers have been sending me lame jokes all day to try and cheer me up.

[kilgore]

please do. my coworkers have been sending me lame jokes all day to try and cheer me up.

 

Well since you made me laugh in the other thread:

 

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

 

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

 

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

 

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

 

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

 

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

 

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[kenmore]

I posted this in another forum which I know is not liked here but I can't resist!

 

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot-rods for an upcoming show.

 

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You probably should just consider selling your cars."

 

Tom gets this horrified look on his face so she says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

 

"For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

 

"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

 

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".