Letting go of hope

[kenmore]

A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.

 

Man: "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"

 

Doctor: "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your stutter is because of your enormous penis. We will have to perform surgery and replace it with a regular sized one."

 

Conflicted, the man ultimately agrees as his terrible stutter has hindered him since childhood. He undergoes surgery and had his penis replaced. Thankful, he goes back to his home and returns to his life.

 

After a few days, the man returns to the doctor troubled.

Man: "Doctor! I would like to have my old penis back again. My stutter is gone but I can no longer satisfy my wife in bed like I used to. Please perform surgery on me again."

 

Doctor: "N-n-n-no takebacks!"

[minimariah]

Holy crap. So I just had a run in with my ex. I walked into the coffee shop next to my work and he's sitting there with a girl at a table. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and proceeded to the counter to order. When he saw that it was me, they took off immediately. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN VEGAS. Why the f-ck would he come to the coffee shop by my work that he knows he could run into me? It doesn't even bother me that he was there with another girl. It bothers me that he chose to come into a place he knows I frequent. And he bolts when he sees me.

 

It's been 8 months. I'm pretty well moved on from him. I just don't understand why he would even chance it.

 

I'm going to be okay. This didn't set me back that much I just would prefer he and I still live in opposite states.

 

don't overthink it.

 

he probably forgot that he could run into you at that place - it had happened to me. i totally forgot this cute flowers filled side of our town park is the place where my ex goes running every morning. when i saw him, i had suddenly remembered and immediately ran away.

 

so maybe it's like that with him, too - he just forgot. & when he saw you, panicked and remembered and left.

 

or maybe the girl wanted to go to the specific shop. think of it that way - everything else brings up the false hope.

[darkbloom]

So it's been a weird couple of days.

 

The ex run in was still very strange. I haven't visted his social media or done any snooping since the breakup. I had 3 seperate people send me a picture of my ex and some people out last night. I've specifically asked for them to not share anything with me but they all felt that this was necessary. (First post they've shared in 8 months.) The people in the photo are old coworkers of ours who pretend to be best friends but **** talk and generally stab each other in the back. Everyone knows it which is why they sent it to me so they could ask me why the hell my ex would be hanging out with these 'friends.' They somehow thought I would have brilliant insight to this ****show.

 

My insights:

My ex still doesn't have any real friends.

He looks like **** and I hate his haircut.

 

Picture just reinforced what I've been feeling lately. You can see potential and want so much for someone. It doesn't matter though if they don't want any of those things for themselves.

[dyna85]

You can see potential and want so much for someone. It doesn't matter though if they don't want any of those things for themselves.

 

This is incredibly poignant right here and so true. I admire your tenacity despite having run into him. I couldn't believe that when I saw your post on having seen him at the coffee shop you frequent. After 8 cold hard months of silence, that must have tripped you up real good.

 

As sad as it is that he is friendless and his haircut looks bad, that must be some good incentive to keep carrying on, as obviously he's not going in a positive direction as one might have hoped.

 

This really stinks though.

[darkbloom]

This is incredibly poignant right here and so true. I admire your tenacity despite having run into him. I couldn't believe that when I saw your post on having seen him at the coffee shop you frequent. After 8 cold hard months of silence, that must have tripped you up real good.

 

As sad as it is that he is friendless and his haircut looks bad, that must be some good incentive to keep carrying on, as obviously he's not going in a positive direction as one might have hoped.

 

This really stinks though.

 

Hi dyna!

 

It is very strange after 8 months of silence that he put himself in a situation to run into me. This has happened before when we got back together after the first two breakups. Once he texted me and the other time we ran into each other in a coffee shop. We drink a lot of coffee, clearly.

 

I can't believe after all of the changes I've done for myself that he's still the same. I KNOW I can't change anyone. I promise I do. But to lose so much after our breakup, how could he NOT make any positive changes? Not my job to worry. The picture made me feel better than expected all things considered. He came home for a visit and he spends his time drinking with people who aren't real friends?

 

My stomach aches with the loss of the thing. That's the hardest part of it for me. It's like he died or at the least the person I thought I knew did. It makes me restless. I won't contact him or do anything to put us in the same orbit path. I'm sure my silence hurts more than anything I could ever say.

 

I'm thinking maybe I should seek out a therapist to talk through some of the stuff. Maybe they can explain why I stayed and give me some insight as to why I still feel the way that I do. I don't expect miracles or anything but I do want to be over this loss.

 

I've been able to let go of everyone else in my life who has left. No struggles. This one though has still got me tied up.

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm thinking maybe I should seek out a therapist to talk through some of the stuff. Maybe they can explain why I stayed and give me some insight as to why I still feel the way that I do. I don't expect miracles or anything but I do want to be over this loss.

I've been seeing the counselor I used to see, ever since my BU. She's been really helpful and supportive. Highly recommend you try it.

 

DB, have you tried dating since your BU? I can't recall if you mentioned that. I think that would help you as well, to know there are good, emotionally mature men out there. A little attention never hurt.

[darkbloom]

I've been seeing the counselor I used to see, ever since my BU. She's been really helpful and supportive. Highly recommend you try it.

 

DB, have you tried dating since your BU? I can't recall if you mentioned that. I think that would help you as well, to know there are good, emotionally mature men out there. A little attention never hurt.

 

I have dated once! Turns out he already had a girlfriend. I'm not one for OLD so meeting actual single men in this area is rough.

 

I'm not very good at the dating thing. I'm terrible on a first date. I overthink eveything. (You knew that already though. Look at the length of this thread.)

 

Im not being melodramatic. I promise. Dating just doesn't come easy to me.

[Oregon_Dude]

I have dated once! Turns out he already had a girlfriend. I'm not one for OLD so meeting actual single men in this area is rough.

 

I'm not very good at the dating thing. I'm terrible on a first date. I overthink eveything. (You knew that already though. Look at the length of this thread.)

 

Im not being melodramatic. I promise. Dating just doesn't come easy to me.

OK. Fair enough. All I am saying is that if you were dating, if you were able to overcome your overthinking problem about it... if you met a guy who you really liked, who liked you - you wouldn't still be so upset about your ex.

 

The reason you've been torn up about him for so long - not excruciatingly long, but long enough - is because you've failed to replace him with any kind of date, casual, serious or otherwise.

 

In addition to getting into therapy, I would really recommend, for your emotional health, talking to men. It's a great distraction, and when you find a good one - we DO exist - you will be able to look back on the ex as basically just a d*ck.

 

DATE. Get on OKCupid. Tinder. Do it. I don't care if it's not your thing. There is sex and love to be had.

[darkbloom]

OK. Fair enough. All I am saying is that if you were dating, if you were able to overcome your overthinking problem about it... if you met a guy who you really liked, who liked you - you wouldn't still be so upset about your ex.

 

The reason you've been torn up about him for so long - not excruciatingly long, but long enough - is because you've failed to replace him with any kind of date, casual, serious or otherwise.

 

In addition to getting into therapy, I would really recommend, for your emotional health, talking to men. It's a great distraction, and when you find a good one - we DO exist - you will be able to look back on the ex as basically just a d*ck.

 

DATE. Get on OKCupid. Tinder. Do it. I don't care if it's not your thing. There is sex and love to be had.

 

Roger that captain. I do know that's part of the reason. I know there are good men out there, they just don't find me that often. My thoughts were also to get myself right so I don't need anyone to replace him. I relied on him a little too much for my happiness.

[Oregon_Dude]

I know there are good men out there, they just don't find me that often. My thoughts were also to get myself right so I don't need anyone to replace him. I relied on him a little too much for my happiness.

A couple thoughts, and then I'll leave you alone, promise.

 

The good men aren't going to find you unless you make yourself available. That means making an online profile with some cute pics, and a deep and meaningful description of what you're looking for and who you are. It also means going out, to see music, have drinks.. anywhere men are.

 

You DON'T need anyone to replace him, but that doesn't mean you can't flirt with some boys, make out, even hook up. You don't need a r/s right now, but someone to date would be fun. It will make you feel even more attractive, and your mind won't be so stuck on one d-bag.

 

Lastly, just because you will be out and dating doesn't mean you're relying on anyone for your happiness. You seem to have this either/or mentality about dating - you're either totally alone, or in a committed r/s. Just date. It doesn't have to be anything serious.

[darkbloom]

A couple thoughts, and then I'll leave you alone, promise.

 

The good men aren't going to find you unless you make yourself available. That means making an online profile with some cute pics, and a deep and meaningful description of what you're looking for and who you are. It also means going out, to see music, have drinks.. anywhere men are.

 

You DON'T need anyone to replace him, but that doesn't mean you can't flirt with some boys, make out, even hook up. You don't need a r/s right now, but someone to date would be fun. It will make you feel even more attractive, and your mind won't be so stuck on one d-bag.

 

Lastly, just because you will be out and dating doesn't mean you're relying on anyone for your happiness. You seem to have this either/or mentality about dating - you're either totally alone, or in a committed r/s. Just date. It doesn't have to be anything serious.

 

You are completely right in your assessment of me. I don't take offense at what you're saying because it's true. I'm just feeling lost right now. I don't really know what to do with myself so I've chosen nothing. Which is still a choice I know.

[15Love]

The thing is, whether we should be better at compartmentalizing I don't know, but I think girls have a hard time "just dating" so often that can lead to a wounded person attracting the wrong guys and compounding the hurt.

 

I'd give yourself time darkbloom.

[BriNyc82]

The thing is, whether we should be better at compartmentalizing I don't know, but I think girls have a hard time "just dating" so often that can lead to a wounded person attracting the wrong guys and compounding the hurt.

 

I'd give yourself time darkbloom.

 

Yep!!! It's hard to date casually. What does that even mean? Dating with the expectation that it will someday end? No thanks. I wish I was better at compartmentalizing.

[darkbloom]

I'm not really good at dating and not really good at relationships and not really good at compartmentalizing.

 

Going to stick to being single for awhile.

[darkbloom]

Alright ya'll.

 

I am feeling better after the whole run in thing from last week. Thankfully, I presume he is back where he belongs.

 

Some strange thoughts I had today. The relationship wasn't good. It wasn't very healthy. But I still miss talking to him. I wonder how weird it was to be visiting our hometown without meeting up with me.

 

I have survived over 240 of not talking to him. I am used to my phone ringing and having it NOT be him. I do not expect my phone to light up with a text from him. I do not expect a single thing from him. I am absolutely okay with never speaking to him again. How can that be? How can I miss talking to him and be okay with not doing it again?

 

Also, I was looking at old pictures of myself from when I was in the relationship. I wasn't fat, but I had definitely put on some weight from the start of it to the middle of it. Not that it's an excuse for him or anything, but I kind of disgust myself in those photos. You can see my unhappiness spelled out in the extra weight on my arms and my face. My weight doesn't define me as a person or a partner, but I can accept it if he started to lose his attraction to me. We were fighting and we were both drowning ourselves in jack daniels and food. I really don't agree with him cheating on me, but I am seeing more clearly through the chaos that was our relationship.

 

I know I cannot wish anything into being. But I do hope that he changes and he finds the happiness that he was looking for. Even if I never get to see it up close. I want the good parts of him to win over his darkness.

 

Onwards with my healing people. Gotta get back on the wagon.

[15Love]

I am used to my phone ringing and having it NOT be him. I do not expect my phone to light up with a text from him. I do not expect a single thing from him. I am absolutely okay with never speaking to him again.

 

 

I know you were asking a question here...but I'm just so into how great this sounds.

 

Can't wait to say exactly this! Thank you for putting it into words!

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

11. Why did my hands shake and my voice waver when I noticed him? My mind kicked into overdrive. It was like adrenaline or something. I have no idea why my body reacted like that.

 

It's your body's defense mechanism kicking into flight mode. You've gone through the trauma of a breakup with this guy and your body is trying to avoid any further damage. You're right with it being adrenaline... mixed with dopamine, serotonine, and a few other chemicals; quite the cocktail. This physical response could also be linked to why, for some people, emotional/mental trauma can manifest itself as physical pain.

 

I'm a little late to the party but I hope this is informative.

[darkbloom]

It's your body's defense mechanism kicking into flight mode. You've gone through the trauma of a breakup with this guy and your body is trying to avoid any further damage. You're right with it being adrenaline... mixed with dopamine, serotonine, and a few other chemicals; quite the cocktail. This physical response could also be linked to why, for some people, emotional/mental trauma can manifest itself as physical pain.

 

I'm a little late to the party but I hope this is informative.

 

Thanks HOAP.

 

My physical response must have been mild compared to his flight reaction. I still can't believe he didn't say anything to me.

 

Maybe if I wasn't feeling all of those chemicals mixed in my brain I would have confronted him first.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Thanks HOAP.

 

My physical response must have been mild compared to his flight reaction. I still can't believe he didn't say anything to me.

 

Maybe if I wasn't feeling all of those chemicals mixed in my brain I would have confronted him first.

 

lol well, it's impossible to compare the intensity of how people feel. I would say he was slammed into flight mode with how you described it. You were more in a state of confusion and didn't know how to process your flight response. Trust your instincts, even though you went through all of that, you seem to have pulled yourself out of that hole relatively quickly (judging from your posts).

 

I don't think a confrontation with him is a good idea. The best (most realistic) outcome would be you "taking revenge" and ruining his relationship with another girl, even if it wasn't your intention... immature and upon reflection would make you look weak. The worst outcome? You seeing ground zero again... which you may not recover so easily from.

[darkbloom]

lol well, it's impossible to compare the intensity of how people feel. I would say he was slammed into flight mode with how you described it. You were more in a state of confusion and didn't know how to process your flight response. Trust your instincts, even though you went through all of that, you seem to have pulled yourself out of that hole relatively quickly (judging from your posts).

 

I don't think a confrontation with him is a good idea. The best (most realistic) outcome would be you "taking revenge" and ruining his relationship with another girl, even if it wasn't your intention... immature and upon reflection would make you look weak. The worst outcome? You seeing ground zero again... which you may not recover so easily from.

 

I'm not going to let it bring me down. Getting over him is a choice that I've commited to. I just cant believe he'd put himself in my path. He's going to self-sabotage his own relationships without any help from me. I still hold all of the power in this situation based on how I've handled it.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I'm not going to let it bring me down. Getting over him is a choice that I've commited to. I just cant believe he'd put himself in my path. He's going to self-sabotage his own relationships without any help from me. I still hold all of the power in this situation based on how I've handled it.

 

 

hubris, curiosity, guilt... Dumpers are not immune to extreme emotion that can cloud their judgment, and drive them to make illogical choices.

 

" I still hold all of the power in this situation based on how I've handled it."

 

Exactly. Any confrontation holds the potential of handing off that power though. So while it's nice to fantasize about having an illusion of strength and initiating a confrontation in that scenario... it's really only an ego boost sort of thing and would likely come off as weakness.

 

There's no doubt in my mind that you are committed to healing. Just reading your posts, it's obvious you have strong willpower.

[darkbloom]

Alright dear friends and followers of this post.

 

I have a date on Saturday. I'm very nervous about the whole thing in general so that could be part of how I feel.

 

My biggest question is: am I ready for this? I know it's just a date and anything could happen. It could turn into nothing or it could turn into something.

 

I don't know if I'm ready to let anybody in or trust someone right now. All signs on this guy are very promising. Do I tell him straight up that I don't know what i want? Do I wait a few dates? How does one navigate the field of dating? Do I tell him that I just left 4 years of dysfunction and I don't know how to have a non dysfunctional relationship?

 

Maybe I'm just gunshy. Ready to check myself into the nunnery.

I don't know what to do.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Alright dear friends and followers of this post.

 

I have a date on Saturday. I'm very nervous about the whole thing in general so that could be part of how I feel.

 

My biggest question is: am I ready for this? I know it's just a date and anything could happen. It could turn into nothing or it could turn into something.

 

That's a question that, ultimately, only you can answer.

 

I don't know if I'm ready to let anybody in or trust someone right now. All signs on this guy are very promising. Do I tell him straight up that I don't know what i want? Do I wait a few dates? How does one navigate the field of dating? Do I tell him that I just left 4 years of dysfunction and I don't know how to have a non dysfunctional relationship?

 

You can be completely upfront if you feel more comfortable that way. I wouldn't go into the details of the relationship/breakup. But, letting him know that you are freshly out of a long term relationship or have you hesitations about dating in general may be beneficial. It provides a good talking point and gives him a little insight about what he's getting into if the relationship takes off.

 

Maybe I'm just gunshy. Ready to check myself into the nunnery.

I don't know what to do.

 

Calm down. You're stressing over a risk-reward situation that has very little risk and a relationship as the reward. Maybe you shouldn't think of it as a date. Relax and enjoy yourself.

 

And if you end up checking into a nunnery... I guess I will support that... but I don't know what advice I could give you in any situation that may arise there...

[darkbloom]

That's a question that, ultimately, only you can answer.

 

 

 

You can be completely upfront if you feel more comfortable that way. I wouldn't go into the details of the relationship/breakup. But, letting him know that you are freshly out of a long term relationship or have you hesitations about dating in general may be beneficial. It provides a good talking point and gives him a little insight about what he's getting into if the relationship takes off.

 

 

 

Calm down. You're stressing over a risk-reward situation that has very little risk and a relationship as the reward. Maybe you shouldn't think of it as a date. Relax and enjoy yourself.

 

And if you end up checking into a nunnery... I guess I will support that... but I don't know what advice I could give you in any situation that may arise there...

 

This is me attempting to be relaxed. It's not a pretty picture. That's why I suggested the nunnery. Although I don't know what kind of shenanigans those nuns get into and that advice would need to be very specific.

 

I might need to have a glass of wine predate to relax a little bit. This dude has no idea what he's getting himself into.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I have mixed feelings about the wine idea but I suppose that really depends on what level of drunkeness you think would make you feel comfortable. I think most of your hesitations are from low self-esteem after being in a long term relationship and facing rejection. So boost your ego.

 

 

You are Awesome! You faced rejection from a long term partner, fell into the depths of your emotions and touched hell, and pulled yourself out!