Am OW. Have always been in the "don't tell the wife" club but now....

[Decisiontomake]

Am really struggling with thinking of telling my exMMs wife about our thre year affair that has just ended. My only reason is that I bekeieve he's alao been fooling around with someone else - which is what facilitates the end amongst other things. I recognize some of my thoughts may be surrounding the end of the affair and the way I feel about that but we'd ended it before and I stayed silent and walked away. It is the belief that there is another OW that is promoting me to think this way. Thoughts?

[Selfish]

Am really struggling with thinking of telling my exMMs wife about our thre year affair that has just ended. My only reason is that I bekeieve he's alao been fooling around with someone else - which is what facilitates the end amongst other things. I recognize some of my thoughts may be surrounding the end of the affair and the way I feel about that but we'd ended it before and I stayed silent and walked away. It is the belief that there is another OW that is promoting me to think this way. Thoughts?

 

The majority of BS will say tell. That they wished someone had told them before more time was wasted with their cheating spouse. Most AP ans WS will say don't tell for a lot of reasons (some valid and some weak) but rememeber it is in their best interest for you not to tell.

 

My advice on this is do what you would want, honestly want done to you. If you were his wife would you want to know your spouse is activly sleeping around?

[whichwayisup]

Am really struggling with thinking of telling my exMMs wife about our thre year affair that has just ended. My only reason is that I bekeieve he's alao been fooling around with someone else - which is what facilitates the end amongst other things. I recognize some of my thoughts may be surrounding the end of the affair and the way I feel about that but we'd ended it before and I stayed silent and walked away. It is the belief that there is another OW that is promoting me to think this way. Thoughts?

 

If you decide to tell her, own your part in having the affair with her husband and apologize, don't just put it all on him and wash your hands of it. Answer any questions she may want to know.

 

Whatever your reasons are now for telling, whether it's now that you know what it's like to be cheated upon (him having another OW other than just you), or jealously, or revenge/wanting him to suffer, etc if it helps YOU get closure and to move on for good, then do it. If it's for malicious intentions and just to hurt her to make him have to face her, I suggest that you do some deep thinking and show her compassion. She's innocent and doesn't deserve any of this, she certainly didn't marry her husband expecting him to cheat on her and have numerous affairs.

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you everyone. I'm going to ponder for a while as its all too fresh right now for me to truly understand my motivation.

[BetrayedH]

I don't think your motivation needs to be pure. Informing her also happens to be the right thing to do.

[still_an_Angel]

If you decide to tell her, be prepared for her reaction (favourable or not). There are a couple of scenarios that may happen, so its best to be ready what to say next.

[Mal78]

Am really struggling with thinking of telling my exMMs wife about our thre year affair that has just ended. My only reason is that I bekeieve he's alao been fooling around with someone else - which is what facilitates the end amongst other things. I recognize some of my thoughts may be surrounding the end of the affair and the way I feel about that but we'd ended it before and I stayed silent and walked away. It is the belief that there is another OW that is promoting me to think this way. Thoughts?

 

The question is are you willing to let go of him forever? I image part of you considers by telling his wife that is the ultimate act of betrayal you can bestow on him.

 

Be prepared how she will react and how he will. You can walk away from her reaction, his will hurt and put you in emotional turmoil. The good thing: this will ensure a forever break. Then you will move grieve, move on and hopefully make a healthy relationship with someone whom you and only you are his world.

 

((Hugs))

[solostand]

I also struggle with this question. When Dday happened, I covered for exMM (probably out of loyalty). He put her on the phone and I denied denied. She kept saying "I don't like being made a fool of". We had an affair for two years, but he (I think) managed to convince her we were just friends (with my help).

 

Throughout our affair, he said many dreadful things about her. Even said things like he considered killing her if he could get away with it.

 

I have actual hard proof that I could give the BS, but I really don't want to hurt her. On the other hand, I believe she deserves to know what a p#### her husband was about her.

[Pretywoman]

Shoudnt do that. You were hurt doesnt mean his wife deserves to be hurt too. Affair is between you and the other man. how he progresses now shouldnt be your concern.

[Friskyone4u]

You should tell her for a couple of reasons

(1) it is the correct moral thing to do. She deserves the opportunity to decide her future knowing what her husband has done to her.

(2) by telling her it is less likely this guy will try to haul you back in to the affair if his wife decides to stay with him

(3) if this had happened to you you would appreciate someone telling you .

 

If you do tell her , like someone said you should not be prepared to blame this all on her husband and you should also be prepared that she might not believe everything you tell Her, especially if her husband has any idea you are going to out him.

It seems like you are contemplating this because you are mad because he was cheating on you. Not the right reason but it will suffice.

 

I hope you tell her .

[lovinDKT3]

Have you told your husband yet? If not then there is no reason to tell his wife. The motivation is to hurt because your hurt.

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't bother. His wife will stay with him anyway. He may even go further underground.

[jellybean89]

I wouldn't bother. His wife will stay with him anyway. He may even go further underground.

 

You don't know that at all. Quite a generalization. Sorry you were hurt in your online affair.

 

OP, if you are married, you owe it to your spouse to tell him the truth. Regarding the MM's BS, part of me feels like you want to tell to hurt her/him, as a way to say "look what we were doing for years". If you are telling just to hurt her, that's wrong in my view. Had you planned on telling her while the affair was still going on? Why now, since the affair is over?

 

Bottom line, spouses deserve to know that type of person they are married to and given the opportunity to decide for themselves how they want to handle things.

[truncated]

I think of it this way.

 

if an ow was lied to by a married man and he told her he wasn't married, everyone would be up in arms over him lying to her and saying she deserved the truth so she can make informed choices about his life.

 

Doesn't his wife deserve the same consideration?

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you again everyone - food for thought from all angles. My motivation at this time would definitely be driven by hurt, but also indignation I guess in terms of him not being the person I thought he was and feeling as though his wife should know that - I wish I'd known that about him and saved myself the heartache.

 

 

I have been separated from my husband for nearly a year now, and for those of you who do not know, I was also a BS many years ago who found out about the affair from the OW - that is part of why I had vowed I would never "out" a husband in that way to the BS because it felt like she had done that to get her own back, and imploded my world in doing so.

 

 

It is too raw right now and frankly, I hate myself. I am still grieving what I thought it was - not a new concept on these boards I know.

[Confused48]

OP, let me ask you a question, did you use condoms when you were with your MM? If not then you can assume he likely is not using them with the new OW. While you may be certain that you would not be transmitting STDs to his innocent BW through contact with him, still, BW may now be in danger bc of OW #2. Any decent person would want to warn an innocent bystander of such life altering, life threatening, danger.

[Decisiontomake]

Yes Confused48 we always used condoms - never ever without them.

 

 

I've always been in the "do not tell" camp, so what you're saying about her right to know, I understand, but have never held as being where I would go with something like this.

 

I've been a bad enough person in sleeping with her husband for the last three years, let alone imploding her world now that I'm hurt.

[elaine567]

I have been separated from my husband for nearly a year now, and for those of you who do not know, I was also a BS many years ago who found out about the affair from the OW - that is part of why I had vowed I would never "out" a husband in that way to the BS because it felt like she had done that to get her own back, and imploded my world in doing so.

 

Yes, I get that, hurt, anger, world collapsing etc. but forgetting the shorter term devastation.

Looking back now, would you rather you still did not know about it, rather you were still in the dark?

[Popsicle]

If I was the W and was going to stay anyway, I would not want to know. I also don't believe that serial cheaters ever stop once they are caught. They just go further underground when the dust settles.

[Decisiontomake]

Yes, I get that, hurt, anger, world collapsing etc. but forgetting the shorter term devastation.

Looking back now, would you rather you still did not know about it, rather you were still in the dark?

 

 

Yes, I wish I had not know BUT that is because my H's affair was short lived (8 weeks), and I know he simply would never have done it again. My life would have been unaffected. The situation that I'm struggling with here is that our A was 3 years and I know believe he has another OW on the go, which makes me feel differently about her "need" to know.

[jackslife]

Taking a risk sticking my head above the parapet on this one but here goes...

 

When you had an affair wasn't discretion implicit in the start of the relationship? You were both cheating and having an affair. You knew that not telling his wife was part of the deal.

 

You were happy enough to keep the affair secret when it suited you, but now you don't want to because you're pissed at the MM? If you were still happy in your affair would you want to tell?

 

There's a saying that relates to stag weekends, golf/rugby/football lads weekends away etc- "what goes on tour, stays on tour!" If one of the guys came back, told his missus everything and got everyone else in trouble there'd be hell to pay. Behaviour away may have been unacceptable, but everyone signed up to a bit of discretion.

 

I don't know your back story, but when you signed up for an affair, didn't you sign up for a bit of discretion as well, even when it was over?

Edited February 16, 2015 by jackslife

[Decisiontomake]

Taking a risk sticking my head above the parapet on this one but here goes...

 

When you had an affair wasn't discretion implicit in the start of the relationship? You were both cheating and having an affair. You knew that not telling his wife was part of the deal.

 

You were happy enough to keep the affair secret when it suited you, but now you don't want to because you're pissed at the MM? If you were still happy in your affair would you want to tell?

 

There's a saying that relates to stag weekends, golf/rugby/football lads weekends away etc- "what goes on tour, stays on tour!" If one of the guys came back, told his missus everything and got everyone else in trouble there'd be hell to pay. Behaviour away may have been unacceptable, but everyone signed up to a bit of discretion.

 

I don't know your back story, but when you signed up for an affair, didn't you sign up for a bit of discretion as well, even when it was over?

 

Yes, you are right of course - which is why I question my motivation.

[stellamaria]

Sorry you were hurt in the affair. That sucks. He is probably hurting too.

 

I personally would tell her. But that's me. I don't think it's the right thing to do necessarily. I mean she should know, but not really from you. You're a bad guy too in this, from her POV, and she will probably blame you, maybe even disbelieve you.

 

He will likely break contact with you, or be nasty, whatever is his style, but he will feel he is justified in breaking the affair off, because you're vindictive and all the rest (I don't think this, this is what he'll tell himself in order to get out of feeling guilt), and you'll be left feeling worse.

 

But even knowing that, I think I'd probably tell.

[FusionCutter]

Yes, you are right of course - which is why I question my motivation.

 

You've done enough damage to yourself and him. Just leave it alone and work on yourself.

 

Telling her out of vengeance and anger - it only ruins you. Enough drama is enough.

[elaine567]

I think when in doubt and the morals of both courses of action are dubious and uncertain, you have to do what you feel is best for you in the long run.

 

Is it best you get snarled up in their marriage, in their mess and it could get really chaotic and disturbed with raw emotion, hatred and hurt, not only on their part but on yours too, or is it best you just walk away and say nothing?

Are there kids involved here?