Am OW. Have always been in the "don't tell the wife" club but now....

[Decisiontomake]

I am definitely leaning on the "walk away quietly" route for a whole host of reasons - least my own sanity/dignity. This is really helping me process though.

 

 

I have grown children, he has one - a 6 year old boy.

[FusionCutter]

I am definitely leaning on the "walk away quietly" route for a whole host of reasons - least my own sanity/dignity. This is really helping me process though.

 

 

I have grown children, he has one - a 6 year old boy.

 

Throwing a grenade into his life of his wife and kid - it's not worth it.

 

You don't know how she will react. What if she kills herself? Just stay out and butt out.

 

She won't give you a thank you card either. Just fix yourself and work on your own life. Shut him out of your life. In case you haven't realized - he's a toxic man. You haven't exactly been an angel either. You're just not thinking clearly. It's easy for people to sit behind their computers and say "Tell!". Do what is right for yourself.

 

The right thing in my opinion is to just stay out of his life forever. Do it for the sake of his kid.

[CrystalCastles]

Shoudnt do that. You were hurt doesnt mean his wife deserves to be hurt too. Affair is between you and the other man. how he progresses now shouldnt be your concern.

 

This doesn't make any sense. The OP already hurt the BS when she chose to participate in the affair. It's not the knowledge that causes the hurt, it's the affair and the betrayal and the lies. This sounds like an excuse not to take responsibility for one's actions.

[jezzika]

It's his truth to tell when it comes to his wife.

 

When a woman chooses to be in a relationship with a married man, deep down she knows the probable outcome and that the wife can never know. It's part of it. If he had chosen to be with you and end the marriage, he would have been the one telling the wife all about it...not you. So, it shouldn't be you now.

 

If there really is another woman, other than you and the wife, then he's a cheater by nature. It's best to move on, heal from this and find the right man for you. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you again everyone - food for thought from all angles. My motivation at this time would definitely be driven by hurt, but also indignation I guess in terms of him not being the person I thought he was and feeling as though his wife should know that - I wish I'd known that about him and saved myself the heartache.

You knowingly got involved with a married man, he didn't lie or hide the fact he was married. You knew getting involved was wrong since you say you were a BS many years ago, you know the pain that goes with betrayal. How could you think that he was a nice great and honest person when he had an affair on his wife? Unless he lied to you and you only just found out that he was married, but that isn't the case. You're upset because he has another OW and you feel betrayed by him.

[Decisiontomake]

You knowingly got involved with a married man, he didn't lie or hide the fact he was married. You knew getting involved was wrong since you say you were a BS many years ago, you know the pain that goes with betrayal. How could you think that he was a nice great and honest person when he had an affair on his wife? Unless he lied to you and you only just found out that he was married, but that isn't the case. You're upset because he has another OW and you feel betrayed by him.

 

Because I am not defined by the fact that I had an affair, and therefore did not believe he was either.

[FusionCutter]

Because I am not defined by the fact that I had an affair, and therefore did not believe he was either.

 

If we aren't characterized by our actions and how we treat people, then what are we defined by?

[goodyblue]

If my guy cheated on me I would want to know. But I would have never been the one to tell his ex wife that we had an affair. She found out on her own so it is not something I ever had to worry about. The only time I would tell is if there was a baby or some other extreme circumstance like violence on either end.

 

I know it is a double standard to want to know but not be one to tell, but their marriage is their business, not yours. I also would not speak with her if she came contacted me. Their daughter called me one time with his ex in the background yelling and I referred her back to him.

[goodyblue]

If we aren't characterized by our actions and how we treat people, then what are we defined by?

 

Yes, but I consider it a mistake that we made, it is over, we made things right and have moved on. It is something we have to forgive ourselves for, or go crazy.

 

OW are told that MM are not in love with their spouse and are leaving. They believe them because they love them.

[MissBee]

Am really struggling with thinking of telling my exMMs wife about our thre year affair that has just ended. My only reason is that I bekeieve he's alao been fooling around with someone else - which is what facilitates the end amongst other things. I recognize some of my thoughts may be surrounding the end of the affair and the way I feel about that but we'd ended it before and I stayed silent and walked away. It is the belief that there is another OW that is promoting me to think this way. Thoughts?

 

I'll first say that I don't believe it is wrong to tell. Many people would want to know if they were being cheated on, regardless of the motive of the teller.

 

However, I will say that if you are doing it not because of you genuinely feeling like she should know and you feel remorseful so want to be honest out of some kind of empathy, then you should think about what telling will do. It seems you are mad at him and just want him to suffer and it's a form of revenge more than actually being concerned with his wife knowing. If such is the case, you might find that whatever satisfaction you thought you would feel from it doesn't happen. If however, you're not doing it for your own satisfaction but just to genuinely let her know, then you'll care about the consequences a little less.

 

In any event, it's about you and what you genuinely hope to gain or think will occur and why you're doing it and weighing that against what will likely happen should you tell.

Edited February 16, 2015 by MissBee

[Decisiontomake]

If we aren't characterized by our actions and how we treat people, then what are we defined by?

 

IMHO we are defined by what we do 90% of the time, day in and day out, not 10% of the time in some kind of pathetic haze. But I understand the premise of what you're saying.

[BetrayedH]

IMHO we are defined by what we do 90% of the time, day in and day out, not 10% of the time in some kind of pathetic haze. But I understand the premise of what you're saying.

 

Meant gently, what does it mean when you've participated in an affair for three years? This wasn't some one-time slip.

 

Look, you can let this poor woman know that she's got a serial cheater for a husband so she can make an informed decision about her life or you can just protect yourself and walk away. Frankly, you did the wrong thing for three years. Will you do that now, too, or are you going to give her a chance to escape this life of unknowing lies and betrayal?

[Decisiontomake]

I wanted to say a very big thank you to everyone for your responses, and allowing me to vent and get out of my system what I needed to process. I will not be contacting his wife - that is for him to reconcile. My motivation was off, and while some say that is not the important part, it is for me in terms of how I would feel about that afterwards. But thank you for everyone who took the time to give me their input - I love this board!