Just ended being OW after almost 2 years

[Babs22]

Ho ho ho.. I'm going from absolutely optimistic and having a positive mindset (better off without xMM... Living a happy life with no regrets and no waiting next time...) and now back to feeling like crap at every little memories that floods back at every little thing I see, smell, hear.

 

I am set to recover from this but right now I'm crying in my car and hating myself for getting into this situation in the first place.

 

Hang in there m4p. I just wasted an entire weekend thinking about MM and how awful I felt to be ignored for 5 days. The four day weekend turned to 5 because we had a snow day. we used to always spend snow days together. Couldn't wait for them. Not this snow day, still installing floor.

 

Thanks for replying to my previous post. I am hoping I am strong enough to make the break. Its either that or continue to feel hurt when I know this can't go anywhere. It may be a couple of months before I can totally do it. I can't do it while I'm working with him. Too hard. June will be easier, can I make it that far?

 

Any way, I've been right there with you with the tears and hating myself for getting into this situation. Its got to get easier. Right? Will see him tomorrow after work but just a short visit. Not enough to process these past 5 days. Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Josmatjes]

You cheated on your bf for two years. That's a lie you'll live with as long as you're with him, or you tell him; which I doubt he'll forgive. There's obviously something wrong between the two of you.

 

Your xMM has no kids holding him to his marriage. If he wants to leave, there's really not much holding him there except guilt, which tends to work very well with men. It's hard to say what he'll do.

 

I know its really difficult dealing with the loss of the friendship. It seems most of us in these situations feel the same way. It's very sad.

 

If you cheated on your boyfriend and your not married and you are not a priority for him... Then what are you doing with him?

He is not going to wake up one day and all of a sudden make you his priority! If you aren't now, while you are dating , then it is never happening. That means you will always be unhappy and always seeking something elsewhere.

Break up with him now and find someone that puts you first!

 

I married " your boyfriend" and it only gets worse.... Really worse... I'm lonely all the time....

[m4p]

Hey there m4p,

 

I hope by now you have recovered from morning crying. I have cried so many times, in car, while walking back from work (yes, I am sure someone must have seen me), at work, anywhere. The pain takes you by surprise.

 

But it makes you tougher too. Just take a deep breath and ride over it.

 

As you said, you are going to make through it. I am not sure I am through it myself, but I will be too. Don't hate yourself. You are human. Learn from this and get better. I know you will.

 

 

And God you are right. The pain takes us by surprise. I can't help it of course but by resolutely not checkig our shared email account and just don't think about the fact that im not gonna see his name on our texting app again... I think I can numb myself to this.

 

I feel like my heart dropped a few times a day. I am taking deep breaths now and trying not to think about anything. Just riding this out...

Thanks so much and I hope I'll be better soon. It's not any better than 3 days ago but I feel that I am slowly starting to accept reality that things will never be the same again. I need to start living for myself.

 

Thank you so much.

[m4p]

Hang in there m4p. I just wasted an entire weekend thinking about MM and how awful I felt to be ignored for 5 days. The four day weekend turned to 5 because we had a snow day. we used to always spend snow days together. Couldn't wait for them. Not this snow day, still installing floor.

 

Thanks for replying to my previous post. I am hoping I am strong enough to make the break. Its either that or continue to feel hurt when I know this can't go anywhere. It may be a couple of months before I can totally do it. I can't do it while I'm working with him. Too hard. June will be easier, can I make it that far?

 

Any way, I've been right there with you with the tears and hating myself for getting into this situation. Its got to get easier. Right? Will see him tomorrow after work but just a short visit. Not enough to process these past 5 days. Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

I know how you feel I really do. But trust me. If nothing major happens (like a D-day or what), you will never find the heart to make the break. As long as you get to see him for one more day, that's another day more to make excuses for yourself. Trust me, I've been struggling with thinking about breaking the A 6 months ago... But nothing was ever enough motivation. I could only milk our every moment together and wished fervently that things will stay this way forever. I would never had the courage. In this case I had no choice. It's so much pain but I suppose it will get easier.

 

It hurts so bad. Doesn't help that it's a major chinese festive season now. The equivalent of christmas for Caucasians. I'm surrounded by famiies and friends and extremely cheery people but all I want to do is to cry. cried to sleep last night when my guard went down and the mind started drifting to past memories. I Know I am wallowing so I do try my best to not think and let myself be happier. I think I can do this. I hope you can do it too. *hugs*

[m4p]

Hang in there m4p. I just wasted an entire weekend thinking about MM and how awful I felt to be ignored for 5 days. The four day weekend turned to 5 because we had a snow day. we used to always spend snow days together. Couldn't wait for them. Not this snow day, still installing floor.

 

Thanks for replying to my previous post. I am hoping I am strong enough to make the break. Its either that or continue to feel hurt when I know this can't go anywhere. It may be a couple of months before I can totally do it. I can't do it while I'm working with him. Too hard. June will be easier, can I make it that far?

 

Any way, I've been right there with you with the tears and hating myself for getting into this situation. Its got to get easier. Right? Will see him tomorrow after work but just a short visit. Not enough to process these past 5 days. Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

If you cheated on your boyfriend and your not married and you are not a priority for him... Then what are you doing with him?

He is not going to wake up one day and all of a sudden make you his priority! If you aren't now, while you are dating , then it is never happening. That means you will always be unhappy and always seeking something elsewhere.

Break up with him now and find someone that puts you first!

 

I married " your boyfriend" and it only gets worse.... Really worse... I'm lonely all the time....

 

 

Hi dear thanks for the insights.. When I first read your reply I was expecting a berating and judgement on how I am "treating" my bf. But after I finished reading I would like to thank you for the wake up call. That's the exact future I fear. Marrying my (ex)bf and being someone who is stuck being number 2. He do love me but he doesn't love me the way I feel appreciated and alive. We are actually having a break now. I 'fessed up a bit by telling him that I was in close contact with another person and that made me have feelings for that person. He was angry and sad and I felt that I couldn't tell him the true extent of the whole A. That's the best I can do. So now we are trying to talk it out and see if we can work out our relationship. I do love him. There was many times I broke down because of the lack of emotional support I feel from him. We nearly broke up once because he felt that he cannot give me the "presence" that I want from him.

 

I am definitely not blaming my bf because I am the person who have brought everything to myself. But i think I really wouldn't have come to relied so heavily on xMM for emotional support if not for my (ex)bf.

 

This is making me cry again at the hopelessness of everything. What have I gotten myself into and what am I going to do. I feel so stupid and pathetic.

[Babs22]

Hi dear thanks for the insights.. When I first read your reply I was expecting a berating and judgement on how I am "treating" my bf. But after I finished reading I would like to thank you for the wake up call. That's the exact future I fear. Marrying my (ex)bf and being someone who is stuck being number 2. He do love me but he doesn't love me the way I feel appreciated and alive. We are actually having a break now. I 'fessed up a bit by telling him that I was in close contact with another person and that made me have feelings for that person. He was angry and sad and I felt that I couldn't tell him the true extent of the whole A. That's the best I can do. So now we are trying to talk it out and see if we can work out our relationship. I do love him. There was many times I broke down because of the lack of emotional support I feel from him. We nearly broke up once because he felt that he cannot give me the "presence" that I want from him.

 

I am definitely not blaming my bf because I am the person who have brought everything to myself. But i think I really wouldn't have come to relied so heavily on xMM for emotional support if not for my (ex)bf.

 

This is making me cry again at the hopelessness of everything. What have I gotten myself into and what am I going to do. I feel so stupid and pathetic.

 

m4p, I understand that you are feeling hopeless now. You are not stupid or pathetic. It is a good thing that you look at your relationship with your boyfriend now while he is a boyfriend. It is much harder when you are married. Maybe you can build a strong relationship with him, one where he does meet your needs, or maybe not. Now is the time to figure that out and if having an A helped you look at that relationship that is a good thing.

 

I started dating my H when I was 20, we got married when I was 29. Perhaps if I had found someone to show me that I really needed some of the things that were missing in my relationship, I might not have married him. I was faithful until 2 years ago, nearly 28 years. While I was dating my bf, I told people I was dating Spock, from Star Trek, the one who shows no human emotions. I would laugh, but in reality I wanted someone who showed emotions, someone who could tell me he loves me. I thought I could deal with the fact that he didn't . I was wrong. I think my low self esteem made me stay and be ok with that. I so often wondered things and didn't ask him because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I was afraid he would break up with me. By the way, my husband is Asian, I am not. I usually made excuses for his lack of emotion and his inability to tell me he loves me. I would just try to shrug it off as a cultural difference. I always wondered why in 9 years he never asked me to marry him. I always would let it be ok that he didn't. He had his reasons, I accepted them due to my low self esteem.

 

We finally married because I was pregnant. Looking back I can see that was a bad idea because I always wondered if he loved me enough. So much doubting, but we started our family and I focused on raising our boys. I often didn't have time to think about if he loved me or if I needed emotional support. I took the main role of child rearing. My oldest started getting sick in 7th grade. Lots of stress, me trying to figure out what was wrong and deal with the school stuff he was missing. My husband was angry at my son a lot for missing school. I was emotionally spent and had no support. I always felt like I was in a battle with my husband not a partnership. Now my youngest is ill, again it falls on me to find the answers and the solutions, and this one is worse because severe depression is involved.

 

I had never thought of getting a divorce, I just felt like I could deal. Having an A is the wrong answer. I can see that now. My marriage is over, probably already was, I just felt like we would stay together because, any relationship would be the same. That's what I thought. When I met AP, we clicked. So many things in common. We do things my husband and I would never do together: work out, take piano lessons, take long walks, sit by a stream in the sun. BUT, my AP is married. He is not available. We have been in an A for two years.

 

I guess what I am trying to tell you with this story is, if you are not happy with the relationship with your bf, see if it can be fixed, if not, go find that person that you click with. 30 years is a long time to spend with someone who doesn't meet your needs. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can just deal with it. In the end, part of you dies inside and you end up having an A. Better if you figure all this out now, before you get married, have kids and then feel empty inside.

[m4p]

m4p, I understand that you are feeling hopeless now. You are not stupid or pathetic. It is a good thing that you look at your relationship with your boyfriend now while he is a boyfriend. It is much harder when you are married. Maybe you can build a strong relationship with him, one where he does meet your needs, or maybe not. Now is the time to figure that out and if having an A helped you look at that relationship that is a good thing.

 

I started dating my H when I was 20, we got married when I was 29. Perhaps if I had found someone to show me that I really needed some of the things that were missing in my relationship, I might not have married him. I was faithful until 2 years ago, nearly 28 years. While I was dating my bf, I told people I was dating Spock, from Star Trek, the one who shows no human emotions. I would laugh, but in reality I wanted someone who showed emotions, someone who could tell me he loves me. I thought I could deal with the fact that he didn't . I was wrong. I think my low self esteem made me stay and be ok with that. I so often wondered things and didn't ask him because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I was afraid he would break up with me. By the way, my husband is Asian, I am not. I usually made excuses for his lack of emotion and his inability to tell me he loves me. I would just try to shrug it off as a cultural difference. I always wondered why in 9 years he never asked me to marry him. I always would let it be ok that he didn't. He had his reasons, I accepted them due to my low self esteem.

 

We finally married because I was pregnant. Looking back I can see that was a bad idea because I always wondered if he loved me enough. So much doubting, but we started our family and I focused on raising our boys. I often didn't have time to think about if he loved me or if I needed emotional support. I took the main role of child rearing. My oldest started getting sick in 7th grade. Lots of stress, me trying to figure out what was wrong and deal with the school stuff he was missing. My husband was angry at my son a lot for missing school. I was emotionally spent and had no support. I always felt like I was in a battle with my husband not a partnership. Now my youngest is ill, again it falls on me to find the answers and the solutions, and this one is worse because severe depression is involved.

 

I had never thought of getting a divorce, I just felt like I could deal. Having an A is the wrong answer. I can see that now. My marriage is over, probably already was, I just felt like we would stay together because, any relationship would be the same. That's what I thought. When I met AP, we clicked. So many things in common. We do things my husband and I would never do together: work out, take piano lessons, take long walks, sit by a stream in the sun. BUT, my AP is married. He is not available. We have been in an A for two years.

 

I guess what I am trying to tell you with this story is, if you are not happy with the relationship with your bf, see if it can be fixed, if not, go find that person that you click with. 30 years is a long time to spend with someone who doesn't meet your needs. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can just deal with it. In the end, part of you dies inside and you end up having an A. Better if you figure all this out now, before you get married, have kids and then feel empty inside.

 

Thanks a lot for the thoughts. I can really feel the regret it comes with sticking on with someone whom you can never feel truly loved with. With your advice and some soul searching in the past week, I have just broken up with my bf of almost 5 years and it is truly not easy now. finding it hard to handle the loss of my xAP and my xBF. But this is the best solution for myself now. I must learn to respect myself before i can embark on a new life with someone else who truly loves me.

[m4p]

update...

 

almost 2 weeks post D-Day and it feels like a loooooong time ago with so much emotions everyday. yet the pain comes in waves. I got busy with work and tried to socialize + hang out more with family.. but the moment I have time alone with my own thoughts, pain catches up and I feel like I am back to square 1 with a huge gaping loss.

Yet on the bright side I feel that I am slowly inching towards "yes it hurts and I will love to be back in xMM's arms if he wants me BUT the thought of going back to all the secrecy and hiding makes me wants to puke." so yeah

 

I have broken up with my x-bbf: ex-betrayed boyfriend?? lol. It was not easy. I love him I truly do and we had almost 5 years together that cannot be erased overnight too. but the emotional upheaval i felt from D-Day with xMM has woken me up to the fact that he doesn't deserve this from me, and that i need and want someone who can makes me feel truly loved. it would have been easy to keep up the charade and have a semblance of a normal relationship if i tried but I dont wanna waste anymore of each other's time.

 

It is very hard to deal with loss of them but thats the least i can do for myself and xbf. I feel very alone and there is nobody i can confide in without being judged/spread as gossip.

 

it is painful and i miss xMM terribly. he actually emailed me in our joint email account recently. asking how am i coping. I have not replied because i don't know if his concern is geuninely reaching out to me or to make himself feel less guilty for ending everything so abruptly.

 

i wish i am strong enough to let this tide over and start anew. it is so damn easy to fall back into the reliance i have for xMM. I am very sad and depressed now. :(