Overthinking kills

[geronimo]

I'm just kinda venting here because I need to get it out. Don't have a great support system in my life, both friend and family have just kinda said get over it and move on, you deserve better, etc etc. I wrote my story on here a little while ago, but basically my gf of 5 years broke up with me past November (she was my first love and truly the love of my life).

 

She had said that the reason for us breaking up was religion because we're of 2 different religious backgrounds (we're both from the same ethnicity). I knew this was a problem in our relationship but i thought we would be able to overcome it since i had met her parents and even spent new years 2014 with them. Anyways she said that she can't do this to her parents anymore and i even spoke to her mom who said that she is really sorry and she really likes me its just she doesn't think it will work out between us in the long run.

 

After we broke up initially i had gone into NC and she would call me from blocked numbers and etc, until finally i broke and started talking to her. We would talk one day and not talk for a couple and then talk again, this kept going on for a few weeks until she finally said that she has to get over me and we can't do this anymore.

 

So we saw eachother one last time, i was a mess, crying and everything but she seemed so composed and heartless, she just said its cuz she has cried it all out. she even hugged me and kissed me said that she loves me lot and she always will and when i said that this just doesn't seem like the end for us she agreed but she said it has to happen for now but if its meant to be it will be.

 

So a few weeks later i found out that this guy she met last year, told her he likes her and after a few weeks of us last seeing eachother, her and him started to go out. I was devastated and my friends (and even people on here) have said that she just used the religion thing as a smokescreen/excuse to get out of the relationship so she can be with him. I just couldn't believe it since her and i were always straight up with eachother and even when i confronted her about it she still blamed it on her parents/religion and not the guy.

 

I went into strict NC after the 21st of Nov and that was the last time i spoke to her or saw her. I had to undergo surgery in January and she came to visit me, she was so distant and cold, and that was the day i confronted her about the guy. I was upset but i tried to keep myself composed, all she had to say was "are you still not over it? its been 4 months?", it had only been barely 2. I knew this wasn't gonna go anywhere and I didn't want to make a fool of myself even more so i told her i was happy for her and wished her all the best.

 

It just kills me because i treated this girl so well, i respected her in every way possible, and always tried to make her happy. I know she went away with him for valentines day and her bday and just the thought of her being with him is killing me, especially because her and i never had sex (she wanted to wait till marriage). I know i shouldn't care because she isn't my gf anymore but I still do care about her alot and love her, everytime i try to get over it, it just seems like i take one step forward and 2 steps back. There are days when i feel like im completely ok and im over it and then others where i just break down.

 

People have told me that shes just doing this because shes young and hasn't been with anyone else (shes 19, im 22) and needs that experience and will probably be back once this guy ****s her over or w/e. and i dont want her back like that, but at the same time i can't live without her. she had always told me that no matter what we would always be friends and grow old together and now she just cut me out and doesn't even care.

 

I dont even know if anything i just said made any sense and im sorry and thankful for you guys. If you have any feedback it will really help me out. Thanks everyone!

Edited February 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Omalley92]

I hear you man. I have been unable to move on as well. I don't even know if there already is someone else, but with 6 weeks of NC and things being over, it's only a matter of time. And it crushes me. I can totally relate to that feeling. This nagging feeling inside of you grows that keeps telling you she didn't appreciate **** and all the things she said about the future and her feelings seem like bull**** at the end of it.

 

However we have to face it. Of course we want to fight and do everything to make it work. But these girls don't want to. It's partially because of their young age, stupidity, egoism, immaturity or whtaver. You should stick to NC, avoid her at all cost. There is nothing for you left to do to rescue this currently. Focus on your life, go out with friends, hit the gym, Distract yourself a lot... You might be unable to live without her, but she's fine the way things are... It's the ugly truth and I struggle with it as well. Here's to hoping one day this pain will lessen and we'll be fine to brother...

[geronimo]

Yea man i just read your story and posted. Wish you all the best man, thanks.

 

You're right, we have to face it and let it go. I want to fight so badly cuz it just comes naturally but I know it wont do any good now. Im trying to focus on myself and everything, lol just sucks cuz i broke my ankle (hence the surgery) so haven't been able to go out much. Should be fine soon tho. Thanks again bro, appreciate it.

[Omalley92]

You know if you're at home and your mind is drifting off, thinking about her, maybe you might enjoy some inspirational videos. It sounds dumb at first, esp. Given that e.g. i had zero interest whatsoever in watching something online these days. But I randomly stumbled upon this guy, perhaps you know him already, and I gotta say... Some of the things pointed out were amazing, check it out if you like: http://www.youtube.com/user/elliottsaidwhat

 

Oh and, hope you get well soon bro. Keep your head up!

[Holmes85]

geronimo,

 

Your Ex Girlfriend was with you for 5 years. During those 5 years the religion wasn't a problem to her, now all of a sudden it's a hot topic to her. What caused the sudden change of thinking for her? Quite simply another guy got her attention.

 

Since she knows you inside and out and you are all routine to her, something shinier comes along and she starts thinking that she can do better, thoughts play on her mind and she starts creating reasons why the relationship isn't working for her, she's trying to convice herself that the relationship wouldn't work out for this or that reasons.

 

She saw an opportunity, she took it and ran with it to another guys arms.

 

Many come back when the expectations aren't met with the new guy, but most of the times it's all too late, either you have moved on to someone better or are just indifferent.

 

The problem with these type of girls is, that they stand for nothing and fall for everything. You need a girl in your life who stands by you, has got your back, is commited to you and isn't looking left and right and saying "this looks better than what I have", someone whose content with you and willing to give you all in the relationship.

 

This girl basically threw 5 years of her life away for someone that picked her interest. She's setting herself for all or nothing with this new one.

 

You my friend, you are going to bounce back new and improved with your head held high once you past the emotional state and when the logical part of the brain starts taking over, then you would see things in a completely different manner. There is the light at the end of every tunnel, keep walking and you will see the light, if you keep frozen on your tracks, you might not reach the end of the tunnel, motivate yourself to keep going forwad man, you can do this.

[JonjMie]

If you have tried everything else then I am six weeks post BU and here's my solution.

 

In the last four weeks I have treated myself as a project, staying in a lot and healing myself, sleeping, working, reading books, reading this forum, dating, planning a future with myself.

 

Take yourself away from the situation and start your project now, take one thing you would like to improve about yourself, write them down, stick them to the fridge and start crossing off those goals.

 

However small start ticking off your list, by the time you've done it then you'll be well on the way to healing.

 

What's the first thing in your list ?

[geronimo]

Holmes, you're right man I dont want a girl that isn't stable with her emotions and will stand by me. I stood by her through everything, she went through a depression phase, and lost all her friends but I was always there for her and supported her and helped her through it. Now she's found new friends and this guy and thrown me away like I dont mean ****. Hurts like hell cuz i thought she was the one and I really love her, but you're right she threw away 5 years, her loss because the way I treated her, i know for a fact no other guy would. I'm trying to keep my head up and get through it, its just some days are worse than others. Thanks alot Holmes, i really appreciate your advice.

 

JonjMie - Thanks, Yea i have a plan, I gained a bit of weight throughout the relationship and my plan is to first shed that weight and get back into shape and then get out there into the dating pool.

 

Omalley - I checked out those videos, they're pretty cool. Im gonna watch more of them and get myself motivated, thanks alot!

[geronimo]

I think this really explains her actions, what do you guys think?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[Estrea]

If after 5 years it was that easy to up and leave, you really dodged something.

 

Pain is pain and nothing will heal it until you're ready to not feel that way anymore, but it does sound like she was waiting for her next 'interest'

 

I'm sorry you feel this way, are you ready to give her up?

[geronimo]

Yea i know but i keep giving her the benefit of the doubt that it truly was the religion/parents thing but i know i shouldn't. I want to give her up but I just can't seem to be able to do it.

Today is her birthday and its taking all of me not to message her. I was ok up until now. I have deleted her off all social media but I still have some of her friends, and one of them posted a pic of her and her new bf. I'm legit torn right now, my heart physically hurts. I know it shouldn't hurt this much after what she did and it has been 3 months but idk anymore if this is a rebound or a real relationship for her. It just makes me sick thinking of her being with another guy and tbh idk what she sees in him, hes not much of a looker.

[geronimo]

So like i said in my last post, i saw a picture of her and the new guy together. Its killing me, ever since i saw it i have been trying to preoccupy my mind but I'm getting anxiety. They seem so happy together and a part of me feels ****ty that i lost such an amazing girl but at the same time what she did was ****ed up. I want to be happy for her because i love her but at the same time i know i can love her more than anyone else. I'm not saying she wasn't perfect but she had her flaws and she has a bunch of health problems, which never bothered me but i feel like this guy is just in it to get it in and once he does hes going to leave but i can't tell. She is showing classsic symptoms of GIGS and I know I shouldn't want her back after what she has done but I cant help it, i love her so much and i keep hoping that she'll come back.

[RRR]

I'm going through the same man,

 

I think my now ex gf is in the GIGS aswell.

Try to go to the gym or go running outside, I think it is great therapy!

 

You have to stay strong, I know it's really hard. I am going through the same.

 

I told her this weekend that she should leave me alone.

"I am willing to work on our relationship, but I notice that you don't want to work on it, so only contact me when you really really want to talk serious, and not just to be friends"

 

I will wait and see now. The chance is there that I will be over her by the time that she contacts me. You have to use the NC to work on yourself. When you are over it, you can think with your brain instead of your heart and ask yourself the question ''Is she really the one for me?"

 

Stay strong man!

[geronimo]

Yea man I have been hitting the gym to get my mind off of it, and it does help. Yea honestly its hard and I was stupid to go look at that picture because it only made it worse for myself. Truth is I want to hate her but I can't, she has so many quirks and problems but I have grown to love them all and thats why its so hard to let go, after all we had been together for 5 years and I thought she was the one.

 

Its good that you told your ex that, and stick to it. I know a couple friends who became "friends" with their ex's and it doesn't go well, you're just going to keep hurting yourself unless she decides that she does want to commit to you again and isn't interested in anything else.

 

I am almost 3 months into NC and have been trying to work on myself. It has gotten easier I'm not gonna lie but I'm still thinking with my dumbass heart instead of brain. Logically I shouldn't want her back, she ****ed me over after 5 years of being together and having no problems. and now shes with someone else and it seems to be getting serious between them, and they started dating right after her and I broke up. It hurts alot that someone can just throw away something real and then go after someone else just like that, when you have so much history and everything. But I know I deserve way better than that and hopefully soon I wont want her back anymore.

 

Thanks man, I wish you the best with your situation also.

[RRR]

Time is what we need, time.

 

I think that in your situation, she is just in a rebound relationship with that guy.

OR she was talking with him before you broke up...

 

The chance is big that her new relation will not last long. But don't hope on it.

Try to focus on yourself and your own future, dont involve her in it.

 

It's hard to do, I know this, but do not contact her.

The ball is in her camp, and she has to do a HUGE amount of effort to even get a little chance from you to make things right again.

 

There will come a time in her life that she regrets what she has done.

But when that time come, you my friend will be strong and capable to think with your brain instead of your heart.

 

It is possible that your brain will still tell you that she is the one.

But it is sure that your brain will make a better decision. You will know that for sure.

 

It also helps me alot to just NOT look on facebook. I can't stand looking at her being happy partying with her friends and guys around her.

 

What do you think I should do when she contacts me again, to go grab a meal? How should I react?

[geronimo]

Yea forsure, as they say time is the ultimate healer.

 

Yea I feel like she is in a rebound but im not sure man, she has known this guy for a year before we broke up, but they weren't close. I knew he liked her, she never believed me. Either way they stopped talking until closer to when we broke up because of mutual friends and an event they ran into eachother at. When we broke up he told her he likes her but she had initially told him she just got out of a relationship and isn't sure about her feelings (atleast thats what she told me). Either way, I ****ed up cuz I kept talking to her for a month after we broke up, until i found out she was planning a bday party for him. We met one last time for "closure" and I haven't spoken to her ever since. Reason why i think this might be a rebound/GIGS is cuz this guy is the same religious background as her and hes playing all his cards right to attract her, and she fell for it and took the bait thinking that they would be more compatible or w/e but thats just my speculation.

 

I know i can't hope on her relationship not lasting and I'm trying to focus on myself and my future, but I'm always gonna want to have that little hope that someday soon she'll come back, regardless of whether i'll want to be with her or not. But im sticking to NC, it was her birthday yesterday and it took everything I had not to contact her/wish her. Yea im going to stop looking at fb and all that cuz I'm just hurting myself by seeing her partying and being with him, although she hasn't posted any pics with him idk if thats to "protect me" or not.

 

What is the reason that your ex broke up with you, do you know? As for grabbing a meal, its up to you man, you're pretty much in the same situation as I was, when i kept talking to her here and there for a month after we broke up. I saw her one last time on the 21st of Nov and I'll never forget that day, she kept telling me that she loves me so much and she'll always care for me, made me all these promises but said we need to take time apart so that she can get over me. It was all lies, cuz a few days after that she started dating this guy and all the promises she made went out the door. So even though it felt good to see her and kiss her and be with her one last time, going through everything that happened after wasn't worth it. It made me feel worthless because she said all that to me and then went into some other guys arms. Now not everyone is the same, I would have never pictured my ex doing what she did, she is the sweetest girl you will ever meet but I guess she has an evil soul lol for her to do what she did. In the end man its up to you if you want to see your ex for a meal, it might give you some closure or help sort things out, only thing from experience I have noticed it doesn't help much. Maybe if you do decide to go, go in with the mindset that the relationship is definitely over and there isn't anything you can do to save it, because trust me there isn't at this point its up to her. If she opens up and is willing to work on it and is sincerely sorry for the breakup then you can reconcile if you want. You are the best judge of the situation and her, and take your advice, try to think with your head and not your heart, even tho it is impossible to do so at this time.

Edited February 17, 2015 by geronimo

[RRR]

The reason why? She told me she needed time.

 

During our relationship of 2 years, I was the one who wasnt a good partner.

I was always gaming and drinking, not spending time on her.

Sometimes she even came to beg me, crying, to come with her to bed.

 

I refused multiple times.

After a while she started to 'give up' and when I noticed this, I started giving her back what she deserved. But it felt like it was too late already.

 

She told me then a few months back that the spark is gone, and that she wanted some time alone.

 

I gave her some time but I felt really guilty and wanted to make things up again. So I asked/begged her for a chance.

 

She gave me that chance, but things didnt get much better. She didnt want to have sex as frequently as before, she didnt do kind things like she did before.

 

This time, I was the one doing all the work in the relationship. I did everything for her.

 

Then, a few weeks ago. She told me again that she needs time for herself.

Really F'ed up. But I somehow saw it coming I guess..

 

She says she loves me, but she doesn't show she loves me.

She says she misses me, but she doesnt show.

 

She is partying almost every day now.

 

In some way I feel like it's all my fault. But I did what I could to save it, so..

I don't think I should be blaming myself. If she would really really love me, she would just be with me still, I guess..

[geronimo]

It happens bro, we get comfortable in a relationship and think we can get away with anything. I was guilty of that too, I used to socially smoke before I started dating my ex and she hates any kind of smoking, so I quit, not just for her but I knew it was bad for me aswell. Anyways 2 years into our relationship I got comfortable and I was also only 19 at the time and wanted to "live my life" so i started smoking again behind her back. Needless to say I got caught, and she was so pissed off and upset, she cried so much and I felt like the worst person in the world. She told me she couldn't take me lying to her and doing the one thing she told me not to and she was going to break up with me. I begged and pleaded and she was also crying because she didn't want to walk away at that time. So I apologized and she said she needed a few days, long story short she forgave me and I kept my promise ever since.

 

You have to believe their actions, back then she was distraught at the thought of losing me and she showed it, this time she broke up with me and I didn't see her cry a single tear. She told me she loves me and everything but a person that loves you doesn't leave you.

 

So maybe your ex does need some time to herself and you should give it to her, it could be that maybe theres another guy that caught her attention and as hard as it is to hear (trust me I'm going through that) theres nothing you can do but keep moving on. If she comes back, you are then in a better position to evaluate your relationship and take her back if you want, and if she doesn't then you have moved on and it wont matter.

[RRR]

Exactly, we all do things wrong, its a learning progress.

 

It just sucks because I feel like it's my fault. Because she was a really good girlfriend.

 

But I should not blame myself. I did what I could to make it right again.

 

What you say is true. If she would really love me, she would come back.

But this weekend we had a phonecall, the one where I asked her to" just leave me alone. Whenever you wants to work on the relationship you can call me but maybe it will be too late."

 

She told me that she understands, but that she is having a great time now.

She is living alone in the city with a friend of her, and this friend is still a student. Every time that my ex comes home from work, there is people. These people are drinking, because they are students. And she gets sucked into the party life like that. It sucks. I am sitting home alone after the gym, alone in my bed. And she just doesn't have the time to think about me.

 

She obviously prefers to hang around with her friends and party, than to be with me. Otherwise, if she wanted to be with me, she easily could.

 

But what you say is true. There is not a single thing I can do about it. Time will tell. It is best that I don't even contact her. Because if I do, I will show myself really weak.