3 months after the breakup, and I'm cured...here's my thoughts

[Forget About Her]

Some quick background. We were together for 5 years! We lived together for 4 years and she was the love of my life. She was my first love, we talked about marrage, kids, the whole 9 yards. To make things worse, she had a new boyfriend within a week of moving out of my house.

 

I went through all of the usual stages. I was in disbelief and denial for a few weeks. I was just waiting for her to come back because she was my one true love, right? I went through crazy depression, where i dropped my classes at college, stopped going out, cryed everyday ALL day. I would think about how much fun she was having with her new boyfriend, how much they had sex, her sleeping in his arms, etc. and it KILLED me!

 

Now, 3 months later, I can see and talk to her without a problem, I can think about her having sex with another guy, and it doesn't phase me a bit (and i have a very visual mind). It's crazy, because if you read my pervious posts, I was a mess. I contimplated suicide, had no ambition, no motivation.

 

What i did was just start talking to girls. You have to change your mind state when you talk to people. Don't think about yourself being committed to anything. You'll begin to realize how many attractive girls/guys there are out there, that have life goals and ambition. Everywhere I go now, i see girls that I find very attractive. I find myself talking to random girls everywhere I go. I get numbers, I date heavily.

 

Think about it like this. Think about how many people get divorced from a long term marrage, only to find love again and have another loving long term marrage. There are so many people out there, and so many people that you can click with if you give them the opportunity.

 

Also, start enjoying the single life. It feels so good to be independant and doing everything for myself. Go out with your friends! I work hard during the week, and go out for dinner/drinks a couple nights with girls, but on the weekends you should LIVE IT UP! Go to clubs, parties, go to the 'happening' spots around town where there are hundreds, if not thousands of girls.

 

When you start to realizing how many other attractive women/men there are out there, you just start thinking, what the **** am i doing waiting for this one girl/guy that doesn't even want to talk to me.

[NiCoLe20]

i agree. i had the same state of mind when i ended things with my X. i started going to clubs, parties, & bars and loved the single life. I met my now current b/f only 1 month later and i couldnt be happier!

[greenhorn]

I wish it happens with everyone.I think it is the amount of time you were with your ex that decides how early you can come out of the whole healing process.

 

It also depends on the manner of breakup and what led to the breakup. Not everyone is as lucky as you guys.

[BrotherAaron]

I'm having the same experience, moving on by meeting people. Even though I was with her for a long time (three years), and I spent every day and every night with her, I'm doing quite well. I just find other people my age to meet. I'm in college, so it's easy, but it has really sped up the coping process. I mean, it's only about a month and a half and I'm no longer depressed, melancholy, trying to get her back, etc. I still get angry, and I can't stand to think about her having sex with this new guy, but I'll come along.

 

The important thing is to accept the breakup for the change that it is. I figured that, if my life was going to change, then I was going to be the one to change it. I wasn't going to let getting dumped define the next stage of my life. I'm going to look back and think about all of the awesome things I did because I was motivated to respond to my new situation positively. It's an oppurtunity. I wish everyone would see it like that.

 

Oh, and why do I hear so often "she had someone new after only a week". Why does that seem to happen so often? Do rebounds have to be that quick?

[simon_uk]

I think in reality Aaron they have new partners before the break! IMO

 

Dread to think of it though cos that destroys me.

 

Simon

[BrotherAaron]

Yeah... well, you'd be right. Her kissing him (if you can call something that lasts for an hour "a kiss") was the catalyst that set our breakup into motion.

 

We had already gotten into a fight about her spending too much time with him, and flirting with him. But, of course, I trusted her. I still maintain that it's a stupid thing to do. After three years with me, she needs time alone. I know I do. Everyone needs time alone after a relationship.

 

I feel like I've just had an epiphany, actually, reading this thread. How did I start to get over my ex? I changed my attitude. I started thinking like it was me who dumped her, and not the other way around. That's what NC is about, it's taking the power - and when you have the power, you can get better. Once she called me and told me that she misses me, and I told her that it didn't matter anymore, I became "the dumper" because I rejected her. Now that I know that I'm without her because I decided to be, I'm fine. You've gotta decide that you don't want to be with them, or else it's going to eat you up inside and drive you crazy. They don't have to call you asking to have you back, it's something you can decide on your own. And when you do, they'll notice. Nobody likes to be forgotten, even if they did the forgetting first.

[meltwithme]

I have been trying to go out to bars & parties as much as possible (morning Uni classes on weekdays) but I am still somewhat anxious about talking to women after my breakup. Alcohol helps this very much but I know the next morning will be hell. I will wake up with my ex on my mind almost guaranteed every time after a night of drinking and it's starting to discourage me from going out.

[In Sync]

yeah it works for you because you're in college and what in your twenties...I'm in my 40's and though I'm pretty hot...the dating pool is geared

for twentysomething crowd. In in NYC, on a saturday night one may as well go into witness protection if you're over thirty five!

[smile95]

I wish I were back in college to meet new people! Where the heck do I meet people????

 

I'm glad you are doing so much better. I hope one day I can come back to LS and write about my new man and my happiness! At what point did you see the improvement? Did you do NC at all?

 

Funny...I met a girl today who said "I wish I had your life" (she is married with a kid and said she is always tired and said she would give ANYTHING to be 29 and single and no kids) The ironic part is that I would have loved her life!

 

I guess we all have to learn to be happy with what we have and take life as it comes!

[Fallen_Angel]

Me too, Beth. Before I graduated college I thought about how lucky I was to have my ex and hoped there'd never come a time where I'd have to find someone new.

 

How things change.

 

I'm not much for the bar scene. I don't mind it once in a while, but to do the SAME thing every weekend sounds pretty blah to me. Plus, I don't have a lot of female friends and the ones I do have aren't single. So I know my only hope is to meet someone through mutual friends (which is how I met my ex) or randomly stumble upon someone!

 

Even though I'm now 37 days into NC, I keep having moments where I come thisclose to calling him. Every now and then I miss him so much it hurts. Why does NC require so much patience and strength?!

 

I do kinda like being single, though...there are endless possibilities...

[downcydeguy]

F.A.H. - I'm extremely shocked that you're cured after only 3 months! You were with this person for 5 years! I guess you're in your early 20's so maybe the mind/heart works differently/more quickly than those of us who are older.

 

I suppose if I were in college I would meet a bunch of random girls every day too. Either way it's great to hear that you've recovered so well, so quickly. Good luck.

[Kaoru]

I wish I could be like you. I was with him for 10 years, when it was ended a year ago, I maybe have moved on from the outside but deep inside is another story. It's not easy to start over when the best years of your life was spent with one person. But I guess each person recovers from a broken heart differently.

[Valentenia]

I'm 43 and the bar scene got old by the time I turned 27. I'm way beyond those days - I'm also a single mom.

 

Bouncing back after 3 months is for you twenty somethings who have all the time and energy in the world to keep going and meet new people. I did all that in my 20's and trust me - you will get burned out eventually and want a long term relationship again.

[mylittleduck]

ok he broke up with me august 12 at 5 27 pm he wwas mean to me and xery rude i really want to get over him i want to hate hime i want to just move aaway and or die.. and yet nothing i do works please help

[JohnJohn]

When you start to realizing how many other attractive women/men there are out there, you just start thinking, what the **** am i doing waiting for this one girl/guy that doesn't even want to talk to me.

 

You make some very good points. I'm a little over two months out of a hard breakup and am now just starting to date. I'm getting attention from the opposite sex and haven't found it difficult to meet women, but quality (at least for me) is hard to find. I know a part of my heart is still attached to my ex, so I couldn't entertain anything serious now. That's okay though.

 

It does get more difficult as you get older. I'm 40 now and agree with what InSync said. Another thing about getting older, at least for me, is that I take breakups harder than I did when I was younger. Perhaps it's because at this age I feel like I should have gotten it right by now. I've learned from past relationships and feel that I've gone through enough by now.

[Roarz]

I am also in college and was wondering how you go about meeting all these new girls? I am a pretty shy guy and I just don't know how to approach the situation. How do you start the conversation out? What is the secret?

[JohnJohn]

I am also in college and was wondering how you go about meeting all these new girls? I am a pretty shy guy and I just don't know how to approach the situation. How do you start the conversation out? What is the secret?

 

I'm well past college, but what has worked for me is keeping it simple. Just walk up and introduce yourself. Don't give some lame come-on lines or excessively flatter a woman right off the bat. Be friendly and keep it simple.

[patwheel]

I am also in college and was wondering how you go about meeting all these new girls? I am a pretty shy guy and I just don't know how to approach the situation. How do you start the conversation out? What is the secret?

 

Im a pretty shy guy also, but one thing that works for me is to bring a female friend along. Girls are always more interested when you're not available, or looking not available.

[chocolate_boy]

It is hard, I'm a work-a-holic, 7 days a week. I met my ex after being single for 2 years (after splitting with my fiance from years ago), moved to a new city and met my recent girlfriend through friends, however we're now broken up, and we share mutual friends, so not like I can meet anyone through my current friends.

 

It isn't easy to meet new people for sure, especially for guys. My ex has plenty of opportunities and always had guys begging for her even when we were together, so its stacked in her favour. Hey.. better get used to being on my own again.

 

Not a fan of the bar scene either, when me and my ex were together we'd usually just go for quiet meals or nights in together, or weekends away.. obviously I cannot do any of these things anymore.. bizarelly she's been out pretty much 7 nights a week since we split.