How can a woman have a social life without getting hit on?

[rester]

I had recently spoken with a Meetup member that says she rarely attends events as the recent couple of events she gets "hit on" too much, and she tells them "no" or that she's involve din a relationship...they still PUSH.

 

Though she's been a member for 2 years, she's only attended 2 events and these guys tend to chase her off.

 

Thing is, her boyfriend is always traveling and she's attempting to find a means to make new friends and not have men trying to ask her out.

 

Sounds like a lose-lose situation as she just becomes as shut-in instead.

 

Is this a valid concern? SHould this person really become homebound for the reasons mentioned? Do men actually become that much of a problem for a woman that they decide to become reclusive?

 

If she's only been to two events, she may get the vibe you are hitting on her yourself. The female friends that I have known to go to meet-ups usually bail after one or two times because they say there's always one guy that tries to latch onto them right away. The vibe I get from your posts is that you are one of these guys that see a new woman attend an event and you try too hard to get to know her. I may be wrong, but it's the impression I get from your posts.

 

But yes, I do know women that avoid meet-ups due to men hitting on them.

[GemmaUK]

If she's only been to two events, she may get the vibe you are hitting on her yourself. The female friends that I have known to go to meet-ups usually bail after one or two times because they say there's always one guy that tries to latch onto them right away. The vibe I get from your posts is that you are one of these guys that see a new woman attend an event and you try too hard to get to know her. I may be wrong, but it's the impression I get from your posts.

 

But yes, I do know women that avoid meet-ups due to men hitting on them.

 

 

 

That's the impression I am getting also.

You do appear to know quite a lot about a newbie's personal experiences and or situations very early on instead of going along and just enjoying the event for whatever it is.

I too could be very wrong though. As Rester said, it's just a vibe.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Since it is common knowledge staring at your phone at a social event is rude in itself, usually some guys will jokingly tease a woman saying, "I see you're face is still buried in that phone!"

 

Sometimes I'll introduce myself, regardless of what they are doing on their phone.

 

I agree it's rude to stare at your phone while you're at a social event but what's the point of bugging strangers or introducing yourself to women who are looking at their phones, obviously they are letting everybody know they are not interested in talking!!

 

Hey, they are just shooting themselves in the foot if they are single.

Why?? Just because you're single doesn't mean you are looking, don't some people go to meetups to make friends with common interests or are they all just basically kind of meat markets??

[Ethan78]

Why?? Just because you're single doesn't mean you are looking, don't some people go to meetups to make friends with common interests or are they all just basically kind of meat markets??

 

I try to do the former, but there are people of both sexes who are probably hoping to meet someone, and there is nothing wrong with it. Definitely it is the guys who are more pushy, but that is a lack of social savvy I suppose. It's easy to tell by looking at the other meetup groups people belong to which often include singles groups. The only event where a woman approached me was a singles night so that was fair enough.

Edited February 16, 2015 by Ethan78

[LookAtThisPOst]

Where I live, the vast percentage of people that are members of the Meetups I'm in are single and mostly unattached. The same people span across several Meetup groups, so you'll likely see the same people attend a mutlitide of events.

 

You can tell the "window shoppers" by the amount of Meetups they are signed up under...I seen some with over 60 Meetups they've signed up under...from (believe it or not) Ukulele (sp?) group to Photography groups.

 

They just use the shotgun approach of joining groups. Most of which they never intend on going to. There's this one I had spoken to, member of a billion Meetups since 2011, but rarely attend events. It's like they are window shopping the RSVP list before they attend.

 

I know of some women that admit that they look over the RSVP list on who is attending to see if any "cute guys" will be there...if not..they won't go.

 

 

I try to do the former, but there are people of both sexes who are probably hoping to meet someone, and there is nothing wrong with it. Definitely it is the guys who are more pushy, but that is a lack of social savvy I suppose. It's easy to tell by looking at the other meetup groups people belong to which often include singles groups. The only event where a woman approached me was a singles night so that was fair enough.

[Ethan78]

I know of some women that admit that they look over the RSVP list on who is attending to see if any "cute guys" will be there...if not..they won't go.

 

Nothing wrong with that. I do similar stuff. Sometimes I will look at age group, ratio of guys to girls, people I want to avoid, and any women who look interesting. Other times I will go to a hobby group just for the hobby.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Nothing wrong with that. I do similar stuff. Sometimes I will look at age group, ratio of guys to girls, people I want to avoid, and any women who look interesting. Other times I will go to a hobby group just for the hobby.

 

Well, in a sense, there is something wrong in a sense if their only motivation for attending a Meetup event..esp. if it's hobby related, is quite shallow.

 

There was a walking event in my area at one time, where a couple of men showed up, walked a mile of the 5 mile walk until realizing that the only people that showed up were women they didn't find attractive. They actually turned around and went home in the middle of the walk.

 

Is there something wrong with that? Yes that's messed up. I think some don't go to Meetups to look for a social network of sorts. They don't have the patience nor willing to give it the time to build up social capital. We live in a "got to have it NOW!" society.

 

There were a couple of women that went to our Halloween party, one of which I was looking forward to seeing at future events, but she was just a one-shot wonder....never saw her again. Tried to contact her through the Meetup messaging system...no response.

 

Though, I"m starting to realize I think people who already have a social network of friends prior to Meetup have an agenda of meeting "the one", while others who are new in town or maybe their friends all got married so they have no one to hang out with, their agenda is to make new friends and possibly meet someone.

[GemmaUK]

Nothing wrong with that. I do similar stuff. Sometimes I will look at age group, ratio of guys to girls, people I want to avoid, and any women who look interesting. Other times I will go to a hobby group just for the hobby.

 

 

 

I agree, nothing wrong with that at all.

 

 

To me that is much the same as that which I have heard guys (and I have no doubt women do the same too) do on dating sites and keep their eye on the newbie or new photos list and mail a woman as soon as she joins or as soon as a new pic comes up.

Men I know who use OLD call it the FM Search (which stands for fresh meat! ).

 

 

If it's hobby related then it's hobby related but I would also check the list out just to see who was attending anyway as for one I would not want to not recognise anyone but also, if I were looking to date then absolutely yes I would check the list to see if anyone I liked the look of was going.

If it's shallow to consider combining a hobby with dating someone then yep, I am shallow.

 

 

Sounds to me like the men you mentioned at the hike were there more for the potential dates than to get into hiking.

Quite honestly I don't see anything wrong with them leaving either. It's no loss to them nor to anyone else who was there.

[Ethan78]

If it's shallow to consider combining a hobby with dating someone then yep, I am shallow.

 

In general I say good for you. The only exception I have found from my own dating experience is that there are women I have gone on dates with then found attractive who I would not have found attractive in a photo.

 

However, there probably are people who I know I would not find attractive from seeing a photo of them too, which is different. I don't think there is anything wrong with using a hobby group as a way to meet someone.

 

Building up a social circle is a valid point, but as one guy put it to me from a Meetup group - it is very hit and miss with meetup. It seems like a lot of people are struggling socially and social networking is probably very difficult with those kind of people. I have met people in the UK who use Meetup for hobbies but seem to have a negative view of those who use it to make friends. These people tend to join fewer groups and are more guarded in who they socialise with.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If it's shallow to consider combining a hobby with dating someone then yep, I am shallow.

 

So you would seriously forgoe a nice day out in nature on a hike or going kayaking, if there were no "cute guys" on the RSVP list?

I could understand if it was a Meetup themed social event or even if the Meetup event was labeled "Singles Meet N' Greet" Meetup, but to forgoe a nice time out in the woods, bonfire, enjoying nature, etc....you wouldn't go?

You know, if you had the patience to stick it out and become a regular at these things, ever thought eventually a guy would find attractive pop up? Not sure be a one-shot wonder at these things, you know?

 

Of course, this explains why Meetup groups have over 1,000 members, but with only 20 of the same people actually attend. lol.

 

I have met people in the UK who use Meetup for hobbies but seem to have a negative view of those who use it to make friends.

 

Pretty sad that they think this way. What's wrong with making friends? I dunno, seems it matters not what the theme of the Meetup is, but I always see, "Join a cooking group? Take a class, etc to meet people!" Of course, Meetup is the vessel in which to do this. Why fault someone for wanting to make friends?

 

I'm in a gaming Meetup, and I recall this rather attractive Hispanic woman in the group that attended the events. She was big into miniature gaming. She'd talk all about the game, the rules, etc. But as soon as you would attempt a "getting to know each other' conversation, she'd kind of clam up or just be short with the conversation.

 

I recall bumping into her at a local geek convention, she was a bit more friendly...and mentioned to her that there was an after party after the convention...I got her # and we parted ways. (Funny, she only came by herself to the convention, too...she's a loner apparently.)

 

I texted her after the convention asking her if she was still going, but said she had "come down with something" and wasn't able to make it. I had attempted contacting her after that convention, only to never hear from her again. I think she avoids men altogether, she spoke of a sister she spends time with...but I rarely see her come to events WITH someone.

Edited February 18, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[LookAtThisPOst]

I got one for ya. There's this friend of mine, now married...who I used to carpool with to Meetups an hour away in the big city.

 

One day he told me, "Hey, my ex-wife and her friend (both single) are going to this Meetup...are you going?"

 

I was already planning on attending and when I get there...he introduces me to the two ladies. We chatted a bit, and I later went to mingle around with others as I haven't seen some of my old friends in a while.

 

About a half hour later, those 2 women, (From the same, small town) were still talking only to each other.

 

I asked them, "So, you get know anyone? Mingle around?"

 

Response: "No, were not really interested in making friends."

 

I was rather land blasted by their response as I was thinking, "Um, you come to a meetup to only talk to each other...funny."

 

But, I'm guessing they've become so accustomed to their "fishbowl" community that they refuse to swim out of it. Their lives revolve around their old high school friends, 5 or so generations of nieces and nephews, etc. They seem to stick their nose up at new people and stick to their own clique they grew up with.

[lino]

The same women who make those complaints will then go on a message board like this and complain there are no good men!

 

It's all about the men who are being pushy/aggressive/whatever. If they were men she deemed desirable she'd be at the meet up group every week without fail.

[LookAtThisPOst]

With over a 1000 members the organizers tend to cull the herd with the annual booting of inactive members

 

 

The same women who make those complaints will then go on a message board like this and complain there are no good men!

 

It's all about the men who are being pushy/aggressive/whatever. If they were men she deemed desirable she'd be at the meet up group every week without fail.

[youdunsay]

I recall bumping into her at a local geek convention, she was a bit more friendly...and mentioned to her that there was an after party after the convention...I got her # and we parted ways. (Funny, she only came by herself to the convention, too...she's a loner apparently.)

 

So does it mean that appearing alone in a function or at lunch is a no-no?

[Ethan78]

I my personal life I have as much reason to complain as you guys do - maybe more. However, how women use meetup groups is entirely upto them. If they go for cute guys, or if they turn up with a friend and don't want to meet new people it is their business.

 

It's worth bearing in mind that many of the men who go to these groups are also unfriendly with other men - sometimes even rude because they view women as targets and other men as competition.

[Diezel]

I'm both a member and organizer on Meetup, and let me tell you, the concerns are legit. I joined because I wanted to meet people to kick back and have a beer with. So when I joined my first few groups, I wasn't in "HUNT" mode. It allowed me to meet people of both genders that I could continue hanging out with. It's been 2 years now and my current girlfriend, is from meetup. We knew each other for a solid year before we realized we were really into each other.

 

But before that, she had at least 5 - 10 guys from Meetup that were all over here. Some of my other female friends have the same problem... guys in passing trying to make an easy mark through Meetup.

 

It's funny because it makes the guys who come in and ease their way into the social circle, seem a whole lot more normal and maybe even more attractive.

 

While my current girlfriend was getting asked out by men, I was pretty much ignoring her. And that's what caught her attention more ultimately.

[MidwestUSA]

I agree it's rude to stare at your phone while you're at a social event but what's the point of bugging strangers or introducing yourself to women who are looking at their phones, obviously they are letting everybody know they are not interested in talking!!

 

Why?? Just because you're single doesn't mean you are looking, don't some people go to meetups to make friends with common interests or are they all just basically kind of meat markets??

 

I think the repeated use of 'grades of beef' and 'culling the herd' pretty much answers that for you, dontcha think?

[rester]

OP, what exactly are you personally looking to get out of these Meet-Ups? Because you are quite harsh on people that don't use them for whatever reason you agree that they should be used for.

 

 

 

 

Well, in a sense, there is something wrong in a sense if their only motivation for attending a Meetup event..esp. if it's hobby related, is quite shallow.

 

There was a walking event in my area at one time, where a couple of men showed up, walked a mile of the 5 mile walk until realizing that the only people that showed up were women they didn't find attractive. They actually turned around and went home in the middle of the walk.

 

Is there something wrong with that? Yes that's messed up. I think some don't go to Meetups to look for a social network of sorts. They don't have the patience nor willing to give it the time to build up social capital. We live in a "got to have it NOW!" society.

 

There were a couple of women that went to our Halloween party, one of which I was looking forward to seeing at future events, but she was just a one-shot wonder....never saw her again. Tried to contact her through the Meetup messaging system...no response.

 

Though, I"m starting to realize I think people who already have a social network of friends prior to Meetup have an agenda of meeting "the one", while others who are new in town or maybe their friends all got married so they have no one to hang out with, their agenda is to make new friends and possibly meet someone.

 

So what "agenda" is okay with you? That they are there to enjoy the activity, or that they are there to make friends only, or they are there to find someone to date? It sounds like any one of those "agendas" are judged harshly by you.

 

 

So you would seriously forgoe a nice day out in nature on a hike or going kayaking, if there were no "cute guys" on the RSVP list?

I could understand if it was a Meetup themed social event or even if the Meetup event was labeled "Singles Meet N' Greet" Meetup, but to forgoe a nice time out in the woods, bonfire, enjoying nature, etc....you wouldn't go?

You know, if you had the patience to stick it out and become a regular at these things, ever thought eventually a guy would find attractive pop up? Not sure be a one-shot wonder at these things, you know?

 

Of course, this explains why Meetup groups have over 1,000 members, but with only 20 of the same people actually attend. lol.

 

 

 

Pretty sad that they think this way. What's wrong with making friends? I dunno, seems it matters not what the theme of the Meetup is, but I always see, "Join a cooking group? Take a class, etc to meet people!" Of course, Meetup is the vessel in which to do this. Why fault someone for wanting to make friends?

 

I'm in a gaming Meetup, and I recall this rather attractive Hispanic woman in the group that attended the events. She was big into miniature gaming. She'd talk all about the game, the rules, etc. But as soon as you would attempt a "getting to know each other' conversation, she'd kind of clam up or just be short with the conversation.

 

I recall bumping into her at a local geek convention, she was a bit more friendly...and mentioned to her that there was an after party after the convention...I got her # and we parted ways. (Funny, she only came by herself to the convention, too...she's a loner apparently.)

 

I texted her after the convention asking her if she was still going, but said she had "come down with something" and wasn't able to make it. I had attempted contacting her after that convention, only to never hear from her again. I think she avoids men altogether, she spoke of a sister she spends time with...but I rarely see her come to events WITH someone.

 

Sometimes people would rather enjoy an activity alone rather than do the activity with people they don't click with. Could be they don't feel the click with the others in the group for any number of reasons, including lifestyles or age. Sounds like people you call one-hit-wonders just don't like the group. Why put pressure on them? That will only make things worse.

 

 

I got one for ya. There's this friend of mine, now married...who I used to carpool with to Meetups an hour away in the big city.

 

One day he told me, "Hey, my ex-wife and her friend (both single) are going to this Meetup...are you going?"

 

I was already planning on attending and when I get there...he introduces me to the two ladies. We chatted a bit, and I later went to mingle around with others as I haven't seen some of my old friends in a while.

 

About a half hour later, those 2 women, (From the same, small town) were still talking only to each other.

 

I asked them, "So, you get know anyone? Mingle around?"

 

Response: "No, were not really interested in making friends."

 

I was rather land blasted by their response as I was thinking, "Um, you come to a meetup to only talk to each other...funny."

 

But, I'm guessing they've become so accustomed to their "fishbowl" community that they refuse to swim out of it. Their lives revolve around their old high school friends, 5 or so generations of nieces and nephews, etc. They seem to stick their nose up at new people and stick to their own clique they grew up with.

 

Yet again, you're judging two women that didn't enjoy the Meet-Up like YOU wanted them to. You seem to put a lot of pressure on new people in these groups to immediately fit in and talk to everyone without much respect for their comfort level. I can't say I blame them with this atmosphere. Aren't you the guy that gets upset when new members don't want their picture taken and put on the website?

 

 

 

 

I consistently get the vibe that you don't understand how other people can feel uncomfortable around others and then you shame them and judge them for it. It's quite disturbing.

[BearMox]

I had recently spoken with a Meetup member that says she rarely attends events as the recent couple of events she gets "hit on" too much, and she tells them "no" or that she's involve din a relationship...they still PUSH

 

bump.

 

sometimes I wonder if I attract this or if mankind is plain deplorable.

[neowulf]

I think it's a side effect of the breakdown of any formal rules for courting.

 

Think about it.

 

There's no rule book anymore. There's nothing that gives people a channel to follow, that's expected of them.

 

If a man wants to approach a women.. no formal strategy. Just go strike up a conversation.

 

What's that? She's actually not taking suitors right now? Wants to be left alone? How was the guy suppose to know that?

 

We've basically broken down all the social signalling that smoothed these kinds of experiences over.

 

A lot of men, for better or worse, are just clueless. They don't know *how* to go about getting a girlfriend. They see a woman they like, they approach her.

 

Women wear wedding rings to signal to other men that she's spoken for.

It'd be useful if women had some *other* kind of adornment that meant "I'm on the market." or "I'm not interested, leave me alone"

 

The nice thing about online dating is you can at least assume the women *want* to meet men.

[GemmaUK]

So you would seriously forgoe a nice day out in nature on a hike or going kayaking, if there were no "cute guys" on the RSVP list?

I could understand if it was a Meetup themed social event or even if the Meetup event was labeled "Singles Meet N' Greet" Meetup, but to forgoe a nice time out in the woods, bonfire, enjoying nature, etc....you wouldn't go?

You know, if you had the patience to stick it out and become a regular at these things, ever thought eventually a guy would find attractive pop up? Not sure be a one-shot wonder at these things, you know?

 

Please re-read my post.

I didn't say nor imply any of that at all.

 

 

However..and on the reverse side:

If I were a member and if I went for the reason it was a hobby I liked then I would not attend again if I got hit on. Attending again if 'Mr Hitonthenewbie' is a regular would only make him think I was going back to see him and not going back for the hobby.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Please re-read my post.

I didn't say nor imply any of that at all.

 

 

However..and on the reverse side:

If I were a member and if I went for the reason it was a hobby I liked then I would not attend again if I got hit on.

 

Now, my initial post was that THIS woman had a boyfriend, which would be understandable as to why she wouldn't come back.

 

Now Gemma, do you have a boyfriend,or is having a boyfriend or not would have a bearing on this situation?

 

Attending again if 'Mr Hitonthenewbie' is a regular would only make him think I was going back to see him and not going back for the hobby.

 

I hardly think that guy would think you're only coming back for ONLY him.

[Ethan78]

I think it's a side effect of the breakdown of any formal rules for courting.

 

Think about it.

 

There's no rule book anymore. There's nothing that gives people a channel to follow, that's expected of them.

 

If a man wants to approach a women.. no formal strategy. Just go strike up a conversation.

 

What's that? She's actually not taking suitors right now? Wants to be left alone? How was the guy suppose to know that?

 

We've basically broken down all the social signalling that smoothed these kinds of experiences over.

 

I'm not sure a rule book would be a good thing. At the end of the day nobody cares if a guy who is not part of a social network or a well connected family meets a partner or not.

 

Social rules always strike me as being set up for the interests of controlling people. I think if men can approach women without the social rules it is better for them. It stops other men and religious people controlling them.

 

I grew up in a religious home and hate the idea of men's sexuality being controlled by artificial social rules that would stop them meeting people in all but the most restricted settings. There is something dubious about the idea.

[rester]

Funny how my posts never get a response from this OP. lol...

 

 

If she's only been to two events, she may get the vibe you are hitting on her yourself. The female friends that I have known to go to meet-ups usually bail after one or two times because they say there's always one guy that tries to latch onto them right away. The vibe I get from your posts is that you are one of these guys that see a new woman attend an event and you try too hard to get to know her. I may be wrong, but it's the impression I get from your posts.

 

But yes, I do know women that avoid meet-ups due to men hitting on them.

 

 

OP, what exactly are you personally looking to get out of these Meet-Ups? Because you are quite harsh on people that don't use them for whatever reason you agree that they should be used for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what "agenda" is okay with you? That they are there to enjoy the activity, or that they are there to make friends only, or they are there to find someone to date? It sounds like any one of those "agendas" are judged harshly by you.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes people would rather enjoy an activity alone rather than do the activity with people they don't click with. Could be they don't feel the click with the others in the group for any number of reasons, including lifestyles or age. Sounds like people you call one-hit-wonders just don't like the group. Why put pressure on them? That will only make things worse.

 

 

 

 

Yet again, you're judging two women that didn't enjoy the Meet-Up like YOU wanted them to. You seem to put a lot of pressure on new people in these groups to immediately fit in and talk to everyone without much respect for their comfort level. I can't say I blame them with this atmosphere. Aren't you the guy that gets upset when new members don't want their picture taken and put on the website?

 

 

 

 

I consistently get the vibe that you don't understand how other people can feel uncomfortable around others and then you shame them and judge them for it. It's quite disturbing.

[GemmaUK]

Now, my initial post was that THIS woman had a boyfriend, which would be understandable as to why she wouldn't come back.

 

Now Gemma, do you have a boyfriend,or is having a boyfriend or not would have a bearing on this situation?

 

I don't have a boyfriend as my answer was for me now, posting without having a boyfriend.

If I had a bf it would depend on what my situation was.

From the thread title I took it that the thread was about women being able or not to go out without getting hit on.

 

 

I should not have responded at all as I am single and was discussing the title so please feel free to report me.

 

 

On topic:

Attending events whether coupled or single can become uncomfortable and awkward if women with or without partners get hit on and cannot just enjoy the event for what it is without feeling they have to dodge someone all day/evening.

 

 

I hardly think that guy would think you're only coming back for ONLY him.

Perhaps not. But I wouldn't want to encourage anyone to think that way.

I would have gone back to that salsa class a couple of or three weeks later had my friend not been questioned for over a month as to where I was and when I would come back and why I hadn't called them after they had stuffed their phone number on a piece of paper into my hand. They also asked for my facebook account so they could 'add me'.

I hosted a very few pof meets back years ago too and after I stopped I had men who I barely remembered talking to expecting me back as they thought they would see me and they thought there was some kind of connection.

 

 

Anyway, as mentioned please feel free to report me and I assure you I will not post on this thread again.

I am sure the mods will pick up my mis-posting in here anyway - so apologies to William, Robert and LS.