narcissist girlfriend

[jt27]

Taramere, I agree with everything you say and do realize my qualities were exploited by my ex and that I did allow this to go on. It is a great lesson I have learned. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Thank you.

 

I think I may have misspoke. When I said "why am I still blaming myself", I meant I was asking myself that previously. I don't anymore. I am just trying to paint a picture about NPD/BPD relationships for those that come to this board. And maybe even provide some encouragement and positivity.

 

Sure I have some blame but I was taking ALL the blame. I was meant to feel that way by her. She left me and said "I was so good to you". What she really meant was "I was so good to you, how could you let me down?". I didn't live up and she resented me for it, in turn I felt like I failed. It was a steady, gradual process of beating my once fleeting confidence into almost total insecurity.

 

once they're "done" with you. This actually made me chuckle a little. My ex's mother actually said to me more than once "when's she done with something, she's done" in regards to her daughter. I remember thinking to myself "That's not a good way to think about things". Of course, I made an excuse like, it's just a defense mechanism. I was right obviously, but not to the point of it splitting be black. Being with a narcissist is like a crash course in red flags.

 

I also agree with you in regards to being "No more Mr. Nice guy" because of this. That is not the right way to go. Someone will appreciate me for the great qualities I possess and I have to be open to that but like you said boundaries need to be set as well to protect myself (I've actually dated some women since). I am proud of the fact that I am empathetic and understanding and loyal and giving and have a big heart. Those are great qualities but yes, those qualities can also get in you trouble with the wrong person as I have experienced. The right person, however, will reciprocate that and TRULY love me for it. It's finding and choosing the right one that's the trick.

 

I'd also like to say, there were many good things about my ex. Things that made her really lovely. But the reality is, she is broken and most likely it is permanent. It is uncontrollable and it makes me sad that she probably will never be truly happy.

[jt27]

Funny story. A couple of weeks after my girlie abruptly exited my life and one of my FEMALE friends pointed me towards personality disorders and I just started learning about it, I had a dinner with my buddy and his wife. His wife asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said I am not sure there is much to talk about but I believe she had some sort of a mental issue. To which my buddy's wife said, and I quote - "You know... I could have told you this a long time ago. Something just wasn't right about her". THEN the next day I was out with my buddy talking about stuff and he told me "I will tell you this - pretty much all our mutual female friends after a while started urging me to talk to you get you away from her. Something just wasn't adding up with her and her stories". How I was THIS blind, I have no idea...

 

Ha! The best input I got back from friends was also from my female friends or the significant others of my buddies. All of them said things lke "I liked her but..." meaning they knew something wasn't quite right. Women have a great intuition. Like you, when I spoke with them afterwards and brought up her having "issues", they immediately agreed whole-heartedly. Just like when I started seeing my therapist shortly after it happened and told him all about my ex, then months later I tell him I think she is a narcissist and has a personality disorder, he says"I knew that very early on". Long before I realized it.

 

Amazing what others can see that aren't enmeshed in it all.

[pie2]

On the contrary, BPDers generally are very easy for stable folks to fall in love with. Moreover, the vast majority of BPDers are so high functioning that, until their infatuation fades after 4 to 6 months, they don't exhibit strong BPD warning signs. By then, many of those "truly strong, stable characters" have already started to fall in love with the BPDers.

 

The result is that BPDers typically have more sexual partners and enter into many more relationships than is true for "Nons" (nonBPDers). A recent meta-analysis (i.e., summary of multiple studies on this issue) found that "BPD features are associated with having more partners and engaging in more casual sexual relationships (citing Sansone & Wiederman, 2009)." See Nora Charles, Texas A&M Univ., Role of Biological and Social Factors (2011) at 22.

 

Searching out "stable" partners results in promiscuity? The evidence you're using to support your claim has no logical connection. In fact, I see no evidence to your claim at all...I think you're interpreting things to fit your own reality. I think you feel like a partner who got with a "BPDer", and you can't possibly be the "crazy" one. So I think you feel you must be stable, and that therefore 'BPDers search out stable partners".

 

But that's unfortunately so far from what actually happens. From what I can see, the people who form long-term relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD aren't stable...they're co-dependent.

 

So...do birds of a feather flock together? In my experience, that is almost always the case. Dysfunction searches out dysfunction. Sorry if that's not easy to read. But I think that's the truth. And I see it played out on LS every day.

[Downtown]

I think you feel like a partner who got with a "BPDer", and you can't possibly be the "crazy" one.... From what I can see, the people who form long-term relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD aren't stable...they're co-dependent.

Pie, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one characterized by emotional instability. Narcissists and sociopaths, for example, typically are very stable. As to "codependency," it has nothing to do with instability. Indeed, it is not even a mental disorder. That's why it is not even mentioned in the American and European diagnostic manuals.

 

Pie, please refrain from attacking other LoveShack members who are discussing BPD warning signs. Your attacks, attempting to shut down BPD discussions, began a year and a half ago -- in your 8/1/13 post, which a moderator edited to remove inappropriate sentences. In that thread, your shut-down strategy was to falsely accuse other members of making bold claims they never made. That's why I asked you (my 8/2/13 post) to respond to statements other members actually said, not those which you imagined they had said.

 

More recently, your attack strategy has changed to accusing anyone who has been in a LTR with a BPDer -- i.e., anyone who disagrees with you based on actual real-world experience -- of being mentally unstable or "the crazy one."

 

Some people genuinely want to help you for whatever reason (good heart, desire to give back, been there before, etc). But other people have their own agendas. Odd agendas from people with mental health problems of their own. [Your 2/16/15 post.]

Again, please refrain from attacking other members as having "odd agendas" or "mental health problems" because they disagree with you on the issue of BPD behaviors. My experience on LoveShack is that nearly all members "genuinely want to help" the OPs regardless of whether they are offering useful advice. Hence, until you develop the ability to read minds at great distances, please refrain from attacking other member's intentions.

[pie2]

Pie, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one characterized by emotional instability. Narcissists and sociopaths, for example, typically are very stable. As to "codependency," it has nothing to do with instability. Indeed, it is not even a mental disorder. That's why it is not even mentioned in the American and European diagnostic manuals.

 

I imagine you are aware of Dependent Personality Disorder. Of course, I wouldn't go so far to label anyone over the internet with a PD, but co-dependency is absolutely a concern is some people's lives. Whether it reaches the point to be a disorder is another topic, but yes...some people can become too enmeshed and dependent upon others.

 

As previously requested, I still see no evidence to support your claim that BPD are highly involved with "stable" people.

 

Pie, please refrain from attacking other LoveShack members who are discussing BPD warning signs. Your attacks, attempting to shut down BPD discussions...In that thread, your shut-down strategy was to falsely accuse other members of making bold claims they never made.

 

More recently, your attack strategy...

 

Again, please refrain from attacking other members...

 

Attacks? Disagreeing with you is not attacking you, Downtown. If you are feeling attacked because someone does not agree with the message you so often spread on LS, I would have to say you seem to be experiencing some of the "black and white" thinking you so often point out in others.

 

Your perception of my intentions and what I've been saying is so out of proportion. I would never "shut down" someone who has come to LS to discuss concerns about a partner with BPD. What I am absolutely concerned about is the labeling of, hinting at, suggesting that people and behaviors you read about from a second party can in any way be accurate. I think that is dangerous and unhelpful.

 

If I disagree with your message, I am not sorry for that. I genuinely feel that your tactics can actually be harmful to some people out there.

 

Hence, until you develop the ability to read minds at great distances, please refrain from attacking other member's intentions.

 

And I ask of you to please refrain from suggesting serious mental health disorders (namely BPD) to every poster who mentions even one flag on the BPD checklist, at least until you have met him or her personally.

[William]

As this thread has become a debate and the OP hasn't been back to it since Feb 16th, this thread is now closed. If the OP would like to return to it, he can request it be reopened via the "Alert Us" button. ~Thank you