What happens when women check out of a marriage?

[Biere123]

Discuss. Do they ever get back to a point where the marriage is able to be fixed or are the emotional changes irreversible? Maybe somewhere in between? Or is separation/divorce likely?

[Friskyone4u]

Biere

 

That a pretty general question. Different people, men or women, wil react differently since we all are not the same. a women checked out of the marriage could have a number of these things

(1) becomes distant and non communicative

(2) becomes short tempered

(3) becomes secretive and aloof

(4) spends more time with friends or away from home

(5) develops bad habits like spending lavishly

And the big one is INFIDELITY.

If you read the book , NOT JUST FRIENDS , a very popular relationship book, it states that one of the reasons affairs by women are more likely to end marriages that those for men is that women are usually checked out of the marriage before the physical affair starts, this making it harder for them to stop the affair, maintain NC ( the fog) , and do what is necessary to reconcile.

It is not uncommon for a wayward spouse to tell the betrayed that I thought it was OK because in my mind the marriage was over.

I am sure others will give you more examples of "being checked out" . There are probably tons of them.

[autumnnight]

OP, are you wanting to know what happens when a woman has given up on her marriage, or are you asking what to do when your wife is cheating. because contrary to what people on forums all seem to think, they CAN be two completely different things. Sometimes a woman just cannot bear to hurt and hope anymore, and she gives up... WITHOUT EVER CHEATING.

[Biere123]

Giving up on the marriage.

[autumnnight]

In that case, it will depend on several things. I am posting as if there is no affair because I know that scenario well.

 

The first thing it will depend on is the why. Why did the woman check out? Was it over clear issues? Had she talked about them before? Were/are they ongoing? If the answers is yes, they were clear issues and they had been talked about, then the next question is:

 

For how long? Is it a crisis issue that has lasted for a few months? Is it a habit or set of things that has lasted for years? If it is a crisis short term issue, that is good news. That means that once the crisis is over, things may get better. If it is something that has been ongoing for years, then comes the third question:

 

Has it ever been tackled, even for a little while, before? Is there a pattern of her getting to the end of her rope, then the husband realizing he is about to lose her, then he turns it around to get her back, then things go back to "normal" again?

 

That last scenario is the most dire. Once a woman has endured loneliness, neglect, abuse, lack of affection, or whatever the problem is for years and years, and her desperation only yields just enough effort from her husband to keep her around....

 

There will come a time when she shuts down, and no matter what he does, it will be too little too late. And it won't be about another man. And it won't be about a new male coworker. And it won't be about the friendly postal guy. And it won't be because she read 50 Shades or went on a girls' night out.

 

It will be because she has died inside, and she cannot allow her husband in every again.

 

And let me tell, you, if a wife has reached that point, and the husband gets convinced by a bunch of strangers that she MUST be cheating when she's not, and he confronts her?

 

It's over.

[Spectre]

Okay you know what, it's really irrelevant at that point if the relationship is over because the wife is wrongly accused of cheating. No, it's over because she has checked out of the marriage and instead of behaving like an adult, she behaves like a little child..barely puts in enough effort to keep the H around, and then gets pissy at the H for thinking she might be stepping out?

 

Nope, the audacity for her to get pissy over such a claim after she has had a massive change in behavior? Just reiterates the fact the H is dodging a bullet by getting her to leave him any way he can. You don't get to put in the bare amount of effort in your marriage and then act pissy when your spouse thinks something is up. This is a marriage, not a friggin homework assignment where you do the littlest amount of work possible in order to get a passing grade, and any adult who needs that explained to them had no business ever getting married in the first place.

 

The moment you check out of your marriage should be the moment you begin filing for divorce. You are just wasting the time of everyone involved if you do anything else. So if you have checked out? Then LITERALLY check out, don't just emotionally check out and then act like a crazy person when called on it.

[spanz1]

I guess it depends on WHY she is being cold to you.

if she is just pissed at you for some inconsequential things, and you make an effort to change that bad stuff you are doing...yeah you have a good chance.

IF she is cold to you because she is doing her hair dresser with a 10" member...yeah, it is probably all over.

[waterwoman]

I think it's hard to come back from. I did that in my marriage for a while. H was really not a great husband for a long period so I just switched off. H had an affair and when i found out he realised he was going to lose me do he stepped up to the plate, ended the a, went NC and started to work on himself. Things have improved. I love him, i like his company, he makes me laugh, we are still loving and have regular sex, we spend more time together, things are good but if I a honest I am still not in love with him, at least not all the time. I guess you could say I am checked back in.

 

Thing is though he still loves me a great deal, always has and although I don't think he has always shown it in his actions, he never really stopped, or blamed me for his affair. I think the simple fact that you married your wife in the rebound, were still in love with someone else and have since rekindled that love in an affair will make it harder for her to check back in.

[Biere123]

In that case, it will depend on several things. I am posting as if there is no affair because I know that scenario well.

 

The first thing it will depend on is the why. Why did the woman check out? Was it over clear issues? Had she talked about them before? Were/are they ongoing? If the answers is yes, they were clear issues and they had been talked about, then the next question is:

 

For how long? Is it a crisis issue that has lasted for a few months? Is it a habit or set of things that has lasted for years? If it is a crisis short term issue, that is good news. That means that once the crisis is over, things may get better. If it is something that has been ongoing for years, then comes the third question:

 

Has it ever been tackled, even for a little while, before? Is there a pattern of her getting to the end of her rope, then the husband realizing he is about to lose her, then he turns it around to get her back, then things go back to "normal" again?

 

That last scenario is the most dire. Once a woman has endured loneliness, neglect, abuse, lack of affection, or whatever the problem is for years and years, and her desperation only yields just enough effort from her husband to keep her around....

 

There will come a time when she shuts down, and no matter what he does, it will be too little too late. And it won't be about another man. And it won't be about a new male coworker. And it won't be about the friendly postal guy. And it won't be because she read 50 Shades or went on a girls' night out.

 

It will be because she has died inside, and she cannot allow her husband in every again.

 

And let me tell, you, if a wife has reached that point, and the husband gets convinced by a bunch of strangers that she MUST be cheating when she's not, and he confronts her?

 

It's over.

 

Thank you, so if the issues have compounded over years and years, and the H all of a sudden starts doing the things she has always wanted from him, does the W just get angry and start resenting more, or continue to go back to "normal" and the cycle rinses and repeats again. You indicate she's done in her mind. Does she still have love for him? Is she more just existing?

[autumnnight]

Thank you, so if the issues have compounded over years and years, and the H all of a sudden starts doing the things she has always wanted from him, does the W just get angry and start resenting more, or continue to go back to "normal" and the cycle rinses and repeats again. You indicate she's done in her mind. Does she still have love for him? Is she more just existing?

 

I believe a wife who has been neglected and dismissed and treated as invisible for years and years CAN come back. BUT, the husband will have to be patient and consistent.

 

There are some men who just plain do not like women. They will tell you that if your wife won't just accept whatever you give her happily that SHE is the problem. These men are typically single, jaded, or in bad marriages, to be frank.

 

If you know that you have neglected your wife's needs for years and years, then be an honorable man, own that, and work like crazy to rectify it. It is very possible that once she realizes she can trust the changes to actually LAST, she will open up.

 

I am not sure what some men are thinking with regard to women - that we just get annoyed and bent out of shape over every tiny thing and are impossible to please I guess, or that we run to some other man at the first sign of the fairy tale fading. I can tell you that for YEARS I assumed it was all my fault for not being a good enough wife to make my husband care about me, and I tried everything, talked, asked for counseling....all to be good enough to earn his attention. And I don't mean excessive attention - I just wanted to matter.

 

You know your wife. If she has a legitimate hurt over this type of neglect, I'd advise you to listen to people who get it instead of people whose default position is that women are bitches.

[Biere123]

It just seems like you destroy her trust in you completely, and I'm not sure if she will ever regain that trust 100% and that's a key foundation for a long term relationship.

[autumnnight]

It just seems like you destroy her trust in you completely, and I'm not sure if she will ever regain that trust 100% and that's a key foundation for a long term relationship.

 

Actually, the above statement is hopeful. See, there are some people who think there is only one way to destroy a spouse's trust. That simply isn't the case. The fact that you actually get how serious neglect can be is a good sign. If you take it seriously, and she sees that, then I think trust can be restored.

 

I think of it like this - there are as many ways to "kill" a marriage as there are ways to kill people. Just because shooting someone is messier and louder and bigger than slowly poisoning them does not mean a person is any less or more dead. I know that is a bad analogy - I like crime shows.

 

Recovering trust from ANY betrayal is one step at a time, one day at a time, until a new pattern is built.

[amaysngrace]

When she has nothing left to give it's over. As long as she hasn't reached that point there's a chance for it to work out but if you've drained every bit of her dedication to the relationship because you've neglected to fill up her emotional needs all along your marriage is cooked.

 

At that point she cares more about saving herself, not saving her marriage.

[Biere123]

Slowly and one day at a time I get, but the big thing is you have an off day or a string of bad days, and you lose any ground you thought you made up. One step forward, two steps back. At some point, is it even worth it?

[carhill]

Live your life; either she checks back in or she doesn't. There is no magic formula.

 

In my demographic, generally, when women 'check out' of marriages they start accepting resumes from other interested candidates. Such was the most common experience I had as a single guy for many years, meeting women who turned out to be married but weren't wearing their wedding rings and who had 'checked out', either temporarily or permanently.

 

Will your wife ever 'check back in'? Unknown. The results of any particular interaction are unknown until they are known. IMO, the clearest path to personal success is to do what you do, for you and dial back expectations and hypothesizing outcomes based on inputs. She may be there at the end and she may not. There are no guarantees.

[autumnnight]

Slowly and one day at a time I get, but the big thing is you have an off day or a string of bad days, and you lose any ground you thought you made up. One step forward, two steps back. At some point, is it even worth it?

 

It depends on how important your wife and your marriage is to you. It really is that simple. Along with your own view of marriage - is it a relationship that should be worked on and nurtured, or is it a legal partnership that should just "be" regardless?

 

I think the thing that bothers me is this:

 

A person can make a short term terrible choice, and he or she ought to be willing to crawl across broken glass forever to fix it. A person can spend YEARS neglecting and dismissing the spouse they promised to love and cherish, and the neglected spouse is supposed to suck it up or be over the moon about a few days' effort to fix it. I'm sorry. I don't agree.

[BlueIris]

For me, checking out was the exit process, when I stopped discussing or trying to find solutions any more, and put my focus and energy into myself, my kids and my household, and preparing to leave. Yes, my husband could have said and then done things to turn it around. But we’d reached an impasse quite a while before and it didn't change when I filed.

 

OP, you see that she’s checked out. My husband didn’t, so I give you credit!

 

I can see how my ex saw that period while I was checked out as being peaceful and that he thought everything was ok, had improved- I wasn’t asking, discussing or arguing any more. I was just getting my ducks in a row for my own interests. A big part of checking out was the shift to "me versus him" that had occurred earlier, and checking out was just really living that out, focusing on me, and my kids since we had kids.

 

I agree with Autumnnight, and especially this part:

 

It depends on how important your wife and your marriage is to you. It really is that simple.

[Woggle]

I know some people might not like this but if she has checked out give her what she wants and speed up the divorce process. If there is one thing that can truly get a woman back is when she sees you are ready to live a happy life without her. Twisting yourself into knots trying to be what she wants you to be is a complete utter exercise in futility. The best way to jolt her attraction back to life is living it up as a single man and not trying to please her like a loyal puppy.

 

I know some here won't agree but from what I have seen over the years this is the only way to make a woman fall for you again.

[BlueIris]

I know some people might not like this but if she has checked out give her what she wants and speed up the divorce process. If there is one thing that can truly get a woman back is when she sees you are ready to live a happy life without her. Twisting yourself into knots trying to be what she wants you to be is a complete utter exercise in futility. The best way to jolt her attraction back to life is living it up as a single man and not trying to please her like a loyal puppy.

 

I know some here won't agree but from what I have seen over the years this is the only way to make a woman fall for you again.

 

Some people might react that way, but not all.

 

Some people will just be happy or relieved that you are ok on your own and/or have found someone else. It can also lessen any guilt they might have or any fear that your emotional state will be hard on the kids.

 

Also, if you and your spouse know each other well, he/she will sniff out any manipulative ploy to get them back. Nobody knows our tricks and thought patterns like our wife or husband does. I remember my ex changing his look and working out and talking about his dates and stuff, and for me, it just made me so sad. It highlighted how little he had recognized or valued the core problem that had led to our divorce, and that he thought that hot and sexy or popular had anything to do with it. So there was relief that he was ok but also sadness that he thought that had anything to do with it.

[Woggle]

Some. Not all.

 

Some people will just be happy or relieved that you are ok on your own and/or have found someone else. It can also lessen any guilt they might have or any fear that your emotional state will be hard on the kids.

 

Also, if you and your spouse know each other well, he/she will sniff out any manipulative ploy to get them back. Nobody knows our tricks and thought patterns like our wife or husband does. I remember my ex changing his look and working out and talking about his dates and stuff, and for me, it just made me so sad. It highlighted how little he had recognized or valued the core problem that had led to our divorce, and that he thought that hot and sexy or popular had anything to do with it. So there was relief that he was ok but also sadness that he thought that had anything to do with it.

 

It does have to be genuine and it doesn't always work but it is the only thing that has a chance of working. Begging a woman to love you and doing what she wants doesn't work.

[BlueIris]

It does have to be genuine and it doesn't always work but it is the only thing that has a chance of working. Begging a woman to love you and doing what she wants doesn't work.

 

Oh, I agree that begging doesn't work. Begging is pointless. In any setting.

 

"Doing what she wants" is debatable, though. It depends upon what it is that she wants. If it is something you don't want to give or don't think you should, definitely don't. But that takes us back to what Autumnnight said.

 

My exH was adamantly opposed to giving what I wanted. That is very much his right. That's when one or both decide if they can continue in a marriage at an impasse or whether they should get divorced.

[Woggle]

Oh, I agree that begging doesn't work. Begging is pointless. In any setting.

 

"Doing what she wants" is debatable, though. It depends upon what it is that she wants. If it is something you don't want to give or don't think you should, definitely don't. But that takes us back to what Autumnnight said. My exH was adamantly opposed to giving what I wanted. That is very much his right. That's when one or both decide if they can continue in a marriage at an impasse or whether they should get divorced.

 

I would not be opposed to giving a woman what she wants within reason but she has to be able to clearly articulate what it is she wants and if she pushes me away when I am trying to please her then I will not try again. In many of these cases the women doesn't even know what she wants and when a man gives it he just gets pushed away.

[autumnnight]

I know some people might not like this but if she has checked out give her what she wants and speed up the divorce process. If there is one thing that can truly get a woman back is when she sees you are ready to live a happy life without her. Twisting yourself into knots trying to be what she wants you to be is a complete utter exercise in futility. The best way to jolt her attraction back to life is living it up as a single man and not trying to please her like a loyal puppy.

 

I know some here won't agree but from what I have seen over the years this is the only way to make a woman fall for you again.

 

Actually, that would have just made it easier on me. He made no effort to be a husband for years, and if his response to my unhappiness had been to say "don't let the door hit ya, honey," I'd have just thanked him for making it easy.

 

Do men just think marriage and intimacy happens and shouldn't take an effort or something?

[Woggle]

Actually, that would have just made it easier on me. He made no effort to be a husband for years, and if his response to my unhappiness had been to say "don't let the door hit ya, honey," I'd have just thanked him for making it easy.

 

Do men just think marriage and intimacy happens and shouldn't take an effort or something?

 

Most men I talk feel like they twist themselves into knots and she is still never pleased. Guys like to feel like we are accomplishing something with our effort and don't like going around and around in circles without getting anywhere and that is how most guys feel when dealing with resentful wives. If I ever get to that point in my marriage I would probably welcome a divorce.

[autumnnight]

Most men I talk feel like they twist themselves into knots and she is still never pleased. Guys like to feel like we are accomplishing something with our effort and don't like going around and around in circles without getting anywhere and that is how most guys feel when dealing with resentful wives. If I ever get to that point in my marriage I would probably welcome a divorce.

 

It is possible that there are many men that twist themselves into pretzels, and sadly there are women out there that are never pleased.

 

However, most of the women I have talked to who have checked out are heartbroken. I know I was. I had a husband who would go weeks without touching me at all and months without touching me intimately. I came last. I tried to meet his needs, and I believed if I could just be good enough, he would want me, would want to spend time with me, would express some kind of appreciation. I asked him to put hugging me on his calendar several times a week so he could remember. I tried to be the one to initiate. I begged for counseling. Yes, there were times I got angry. Mostly I cried myself to sleep. I had a distant platonic roommate. As long as we were not in conflict he was happy.

 

There were a few times I became so despondent I told him I didn't know if I could continue the marriage. He cried and got upset and then put in some effort. About the time I let myself relax and smile and think we were going to make it, he would slide back into the neglect. It was even worse then, because I let myself hope only to have the hopes dashed. I felt ugly, unworthy, useless, invisible, and like a failure. Because surely, if I was worth anything, the man who promised to love me actually would, right?

 

When this kind of man tries for five minutes and then pouts and gives up because his starving wife doesn't fall on the ground in gratitude....well, he's just confirming his lazy character.

 

Before you advise a man to stick it to his heartbroken wife, you might want to find out if maybe he's spent years being a crappy husband.