What happens when women check out of a marriage?

[Woggle]

It is possible that there are many men that twist themselves into pretzels, and sadly there are women out there that are never pleased.

 

However, most of the women I have talked to who have checked out are heartbroken. I know I was. I had a husband who would go weeks without touching me at all and months without touching me intimately. I came last. I tried to meet his needs, and I believed if I could just be good enough, he would want me, would want to spend time with me, would express some kind of appreciation. I asked him to put hugging me on his calendar several times a week so he could remember. I tried to be the one to initiate. I begged for counseling. Yes, there were times I got angry. Mostly I cried myself to sleep. I had a distant platonic roommate. As long as we were not in conflict he was happy.

 

There were a few times I became so despondent I told him I didn't know if I could continue the marriage. He cried and got upset and then put in some effort. About the time I let myself relax and smile and think we were going to make it, he would slide back into the neglect. It was even worse then, because I let myself hope only to have the hopes dashed. I felt ugly, unworthy, useless, invisible, and like a failure. Because surely, if I was worth anything, the man who promised to love me actually would, right?

 

When this kind of man tries for five minutes and then pouts and gives up because his starving wife doesn't fall on the ground in gratitude....well, he's just confirming his lazy character.

 

Before you advise a man to stick it to his heartbroken wife, you might want to find out if maybe he's spent years being a crappy husband.

 

I agree with that and men like that deserve to get leaved. On the other hand if a woman is unhappy no matter what a man does and pushes away any effort on his part to please her she can't get mad when he just stops trying.

[autumnnight]

I agree with that and men like that deserve to get leaved. On the other hand if a woman is unhappy no matter what a man does and pushes away any effort on his part to please her she can't get mad when he just stops trying.

 

I guess it depends. If he neglected her for 10 years and quite trying after 2 weeks, he isn't much of a man.

[BlueIris]

The couple has to agree upon what is “within reason” and “clear articulation” and I think that only people of good will and caring are going to work it out. If you set battle lines, one or both do, you’re probably done.

 

The questions “is this within reason?” and “Is it worth it?” are very personal judgments. A couple that doesn’t make room for the other side and personal needs on both sides is probably going to be in big trouble, no matter what the request, need or want is.

 

So, what is “within reason”? My exH and I disagreed and could make reasonable arguments for each of our positions. I could see his and I think he could see mine, but it was a make or break issue for both of us.

 

My exH didn’t agree to do what I wanted and I decided to stop doing what he wanted, to put it simply. My side was that I was a stay at home mom who wanted to work full time in the career I’d trained for, 7 years of post-HS education, and we’d agreed to do this when we married, that when our youngest started school it would be my turn to have career come first and he would be the safety net support person. His side was that we’d set a pattern for 10+ years, his career and income were growing, kids were thriving, and having to take over supporting kids, home and me would negatively affect both his career and the peace and routine of our pretty great life. All true. Which is reasonable? Both, in my opinion. Who’s going to give in and give up something essential or very important to them? That’s the tricky part of saying things like, “If it’s within reason.” It's often not black and white.

 

OP might want to consider whether his wondering if it is “worth it” to make an effort is a form of checking out himself. If it is, I’d recommend being open, honest, and having a peaceful respectful divorce between two people going different ways in life.

Edited February 16, 2015 by BlueIris

[Biere123]

I was talking about more general situations, but I appreciate all of the comments. So what about once she checks out to the point of an emotional or physical affair...is it over?

[autumnnight]

I was talking about more general situations, but I appreciate all of the comments. So what about once she checks out to the point of an emotional or physical affair...is it over?

 

I see checking out as separate from the affair. A woman can check out but stay faithful to her spouse. Once she chooses to have an affair, she has just brought a whole other boatload of horribleness to the situation.

 

She has also just shot herself in the foot. Because once she cheats, none of the misery she felt in the marriage prior to her affair matters.

[Biere123]

She has also just shot herself in the foot. Because once she cheats, none of the misery she felt in the marriage prior to her affair matters.

 

Why do you say that?

[elaine567]

I see checking out as separate from the affair. A woman can check out but stay faithful to her spouse.

 

I agree and also women who have affairs may not have checked out of the marriage.

Men, who have side pieces, often carry on with the marriage and so do some women.

They keep the spouse happy or on side, whilst having an affair. Those women are devastated on d day because their agenda was not to split the marriage.

 

Others who had checked out can see dday as a relief, as the affair was really an exit affair in their minds and are glad that the affair is out in the open and they can move on.

 

People can easily check out with no intention of having affairs, they may stick around in the vain hope things will improve, or they decide one day they are better off alone.

Some heartbroken wives see another man as the last thing they need.

[autumnnight]

Why do you say that?

 

Basically, now that she has made the horrible choice to cheat (and it IS a horrible horrible choice), any misery she may have felt in the marriage will either be labeled as rewriting history, or will be met with "well then you should have left." And unless the BH is one heck of a guy, her past or future marital complaints will likely be seen as just penance for what she did.

 

I am not indicting anyone for feeling that way. I understand exactly why someone would feel that way. I'm just being up front about it.

[Biere123]

So, basically, the marriage is doomed period because she will be filled with resentment if he continues to use the affair as penance for future marital complaints.

[autumnnight]

So, basically, the marriage is doomed period because she will be filled with resentment if he continues to use the affair as penance for future marital complaints.

 

A lot of it depends. How long? Has she worked hard to be truthful and make amends? Are they going to tackle any other issues? There is no one hard and fast answer. Then you factor in each party's personality, character, capacity for growth, etc.

 

You have couples like the Adams' who post here who have had the empathy, maturity, and character to make something beautiful. And then you have people who still go from place to place using every WS as a surrogate. It all just depends.

[beach]

Why do you say that?

 

Because you have feelings too!

 

Why should her feelings be more important than yours?

 

Why would you put your happiness in the hands of someone who has betrayed you and isn't acting like you are her priority?

 

If you aren't her TOP priority - then she's not doing enough for you to repair the damage she's caused.

 

And maybe she didn't have enough consequences - enough to be scared of losing you.

[William]

Folks, we have clear guidelines about topical content and the topic in this thread, not to be confused with the member posting it, is what happens when women check out of a marriage.

 

Responses to that topic are welcomed. Thanks!

[autumnnight]

It's always tough when a spouse checks out of the marriage, but it is hard to know what to do about it without all the facts. I would think the first thing you'd want to do if your spouse checked out of the marriage was make sure that you had all the facts so that you could actually take informed action.

 

For example, if they have checked out because they found somebody else, that would be very important to know. If they had checked out because of years of neglect, then it would need a different type of action. If they maybe haven;t checked out, but you're just looking for a good excuse to blame them for your own behavior, that would be important to know as well. For example, if I asked the doctor what to do about my arm hurting, he'd probably need to know if the reason my arm was hurting was because I was stabbing it with a fork over and over.

[Mal78]

I came to a point in my marriage that I totally gave up. I was done... I checked out!

 

I was tiered of every single thing my H said, did. Most especially that I didn't feel he desired me. Sex was *maybe* twice a month. I didn't sleep in our marital bed...ect

 

I didn't enjoy feeling the way I did so I had to do something or this would be the end and I know my H wouldn't fight it. I fought to get our marriage back starting with "desiring myself first".

If you don't feel your best how do you expect to be desired?

 

We are back. Better than ever.... sex daily (we both crave, desire each other)... we spend quality time together...ect.

 

Not once did I considered "looking to be desired" elsewhere. Honestly, that seems like what many would consider "the easy way out" until you are caught.

[cocorico]

Discuss. Do they ever get back to a point where the marriage is able to be fixed or are the emotional changes irreversible? Maybe somewhere in between? Or is separation/divorce likely?

 

I checked out of my 1st M because at that point, I was done. My xH was emotionally unwell and the toll on my small kids and me was simply too great. I had to withdraw my investment and focus my energy on my work, my kids, and my other commitments. And when I was able to, I left.

 

At the point of my checking out, in theory things may still have been fixable - but only if he was prepared to acknowledge the problem, and work with me to address it. He wouldn't, perhaps couldn't. I'm reluctant to assume that all women who reach such a point in their Ms have the same hopeless prospects, but I guess it's their own weighing up of those prospects that leads to them checking out.