is he in love with someone else

[mary]

Hello everyone. Please could you help me out and see what you think may be happening here.

 

I have a male friend who I feel really close to. We have a laugh and are always joking around with each other. We can talk serious and I have been there for him on one occasion when he opened up to me about something that was bothering him. Said he feels like he has known me all his life (only known each other 6 months). He doesn't see me as often as he used to - he was always very keen. In fact, he seems quite distant recently although he assures me that he loves my company.

 

Recently I found out he has been taking a girl out from work (since christmas), but he has not told me this at all. As I knew, I asked him if there was anything interesting happening in his life and he said no. Why do you think he would keep this from me when we are friends. Also I noticed on Napster (where we often chat with each other) he had dowloaded a song named after his girlfriend. Quite a romantic one but not saying anything about loving her. She is also on Napster. Funny thing is, he also dowloaded one called 'Just Good Friends' which is really touching about a man who cannot open up to how he really feels about his friend and feels so close to her -'all we can rely on is being good friends' and 'we both play a game whilst we pretend that all we are is just good friends'. I know this song could have been dowloaded becuase he likes it, but it is coincidence about the other one being his girlfriend's name.

 

Songs and words are very important to him and he knows they are to me too.

 

What's going on here. I do have feelings for him too but am not available to him because I have a boyfriend. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but please could someone tell me if this song could be an indication of how he may feel. If so, why that other song which connects to his girlfriend. The person who told me he had a girlfriend says all he says about her is crude and is getting his leg over with her. So why the romantic song. He is 25 and a bit of a lad.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Laurynn]

It doesn't help that I'm not the least bit familiar with Napster......so I'm trying to figure out you know he downloaded these particular songs......do you have people on your 'buddy list' or something, and it also shows which songs they've downloaded?

 

In all honesty, there's no way for any of us to know if there was any 'meaning' to these songs he downloaded. Maybe he was downloading them for a friend? Maybe he just liked the beat? Maybe there was more to it? The only person who'll know is him.

 

You can rack your brains trying to figure this all out, but you won't. And in the meantime, seeing how you have a boyfriend/are in a relationship, don't you think it's pretty pointless to spend the time trying to figure out the motivations/thoughts of this other guy?

 

Maybe he's distant lately because he DOES have feelings for you, but knows you are 'off limits', because you're with someone. That would make sense to me.

 

Also, I wouldn't pay too much mind to what other people are telling you about what HE says about his girlfriend. Could be nothing more than unsubstantiated gossip, who knows.

 

Without meaning to sound harsh, it's really none of your business what kind of love songs he downloads/and whether they are somehow his expressions towards his girlfriend. You are not available anyway. Right?

 

L

[Tony T]

It sounds to me like both of you are using each other for the same purpose, as second string stand-bys in case something goes wrong with your primary relationships.

 

The heading of your post is a dead giveaway that you really do like this dude. The lack of detail about your own current boyfriend is even further evidence of this.

 

He did not tell you much of anything about this girl he is seeing because he wants to keep you in exactly the same place as you are...in case he needs to fall back on you emotionally or if you should ever become available (break up with your current guy.)

 

On the other hand, you have a boyfriend, yet you feel kind of weird about this girlfriend of his. Hhhmmmmm.

 

There are a lot of relationships like this, sort of in the twilight zone. Sometimes, a female may have some amount of feelings for a guy but she may not want to have a relationship with him...but she doesn't want another girl to have a relationship with him either. Go figure!!!

 

In any case, he didn't tell you about this girl primarily because he wants to keep you in the place you are in. He may have feared you would look at him differently if you knew he was seeing someone else. If things with this other girl get very serious, he may tell you about her.

 

My guess is that he doesn't think as much of this girl he's seeing as he does of you so she's just something for him to do...and the music helps him convince himself of his feelings for her. My money says that you're the lady he really cares for and if/and/or/when you ever became available he would pounce on the opportunity to be with you if you would have him.

 

As long as he holds some chance of being your guy, he will never tell you about other girls he's seeing. I guarantee.

 

You really didn't say much about your boyfriend...but it sounds to me that you and this guy friend really belong together. I mean you have a boyfriend and you ask in the heading of your post, "is he in love with SOMEONE ELSE?" What do you think?

[mary]

Thank you Tony. What you have said makes perfect sense.

 

I am in love with this guy and not my boyfriend. I didn't say much about my boyfriend, but we live together. I don't feel in love with my boyfriend like I do this man. It scares me so much. I think what as really worried me is that I thought my friend would have mentioned her. He knows whoever he told about her would have definetely told me, but can't figure out why he couldn't casually mention it. I think I feel a bit jealous of her, but am trying to be mature about it and realise that I have feelings for him and want him to be happy also.

 

If he wanted me then maybe he would have told me just to test my reaction, but maybe I am not as good a friend as I thought I was and it never occurred to him to talk about her.

 

Thanks for the comments about the music. It is what was going through my mind that maybe he is trying to convince himself, but could be wrong, he may be falling for her too and just be talking about her in the way he does (very crude in front of the lads because he cannot express emotions).

 

Anyway, either way the situation at the moment is not good. If I am thinking of him in this way and he isn't me then that's not healthy. If we both are and I am not available to him then that is unhealthy too.

It sounds to me like both of you are using each other for the same purpose, as second string stand-bys in case something goes wrong with your primary relationships. The heading of your post is a dead giveaway that you really do like this dude. The lack of detail about your own current boyfriend is even further evidence of this. He did not tell you much of anything about this girl he is seeing because he wants to keep you in exactly the same place as you are...in case he needs to fall back on you emotionally or if you should ever become available (break up with your current guy.) On the other hand, you have a boyfriend, yet you feel kind of weird about this girlfriend of his. Hhhmmmmm. There are a lot of relationships like this, sort of in the twilight zone. Sometimes, a female may have some amount of feelings for a guy but she may not want to have a relationship with him...but she doesn't want another girl to have a relationship with him either. Go figure!!! In any case, he didn't tell you about this girl primarily because he wants to keep you in the place you are in. He may have feared you would look at him differently if you knew he was seeing someone else. If things with this other girl get very serious, he may tell you about her. My guess is that he doesn't think as much of this girl he's seeing as he does of you so she's just something for him to do...and the music helps him convince himself of his feelings for her. My money says that you're the lady he really cares for and if/and/or/when you ever became available he would pounce on the opportunity to be with you if you would have him. As long as he holds some chance of being your guy, he will never tell you about other girls he's seeing. I guarantee. You really didn't say much about your boyfriend...but it sounds to me that you and this guy friend really belong together. I mean you have a boyfriend and you ask in the heading of your post, "is he in love with SOMEONE ELSE?" What do you think?

[mary]

thank you Laurynn

 

Yes, when 2 people on the hotlist are logged on at the same time then they can view each other's selection of music. I was looking at his songs and he looks at mine too, it's just that we both love music so much. The love songs weren't something I was looking for but they really stood out to me as to what was going on in his life. I am not going to look anymore if we are ever on together again. You are right, there is no point to it at all and just makes me wonder even more.

 

It is very pointless to spend this amount of time thinking about another man, but it is very hard for me not too when I feel this way. I know I have GOT to get him off my mind and probably will have to end the friendship.

 

The person he told is about his girlfriend and what they get up to is a relative of mine so it is obvious that he knew I would find out, but to find out in this way hurts me because of him not telling me. Maybe it never occurred to him because I am not a friend like I thought I was or maybe, as Tony suggested in his post that his reasons for not telling me were to keep me as a standby in hope that I could be with him one day, but maybe he just felt that it would hurt me. Although I have never told him how I feel, sometimes people can sense it.

 

It doesn't help that I'm not the least bit familiar with Napster......so I'm trying to figure out you know he downloaded these particular songs......do you have people on your 'buddy list' or something, and it also shows which songs they've downloaded?

 

In all honesty, there's no way for any of us to know if there was any 'meaning' to these songs he downloaded. Maybe he was downloading them for a friend? Maybe he just liked the beat? Maybe there was more to it? The only person who'll know is him. You can rack your brains trying to figure this all out, but you won't. And in the meantime, seeing how you have a boyfriend/are in a relationship, don't you think it's pretty pointless to spend the time trying to figure out the motivations/thoughts of this other guy? Maybe he's distant lately because he DOES have feelings for you, but knows you are 'off limits', because you're with someone. That would make sense to me. Also, I wouldn't pay too much mind to what other people are telling you about what HE says about his girlfriend. Could be nothing more than unsubstantiated gossip, who knows. Without meaning to sound harsh, it's really none of your business what kind of love songs he downloads/and whether they are somehow his expressions towards his girlfriend. You are not available anyway. Right? L