Trying to move on but he's messing with my head

[slipped halo]

Hi I felt so lucky ... My ex bf wanted to try again after dumping me to enjoy uni life then realising he didn't want anyone else taking an interest in me . We're both 20. Anyway he hadn't asked me to be with him ,wanted to take things slowly and 'work up' the chemistry , so wouldn't kiss me or stay the night . This struckme as odd , did it mean he doesn't fancy me because we have only met the odd time since new year and There's always a reason why he couldn't see me although he rang regularly.

 

 

Anyway I've been asked on a date and have accepted and told my ex . He had a meltdown and tried to dissuade me. I was strong and said no he had had enough opportunities to make me his again . Also said he would never get over me or speak to me again . He has since contacted me every few days over the last week saying how upset he is and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him. Do I let him try again ? I can't help but think he just doesn't want anyone else to have me or he wouldn't have sat on the fence so long ?

[HowWillICope]

GOD NO

He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. He also wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He's a selfish individual who is taking advantage of you.

If you have any decent amount of self worth and self respect you would cut him off, stand your ground and heck go on the date if you want to.

 

Please, don't go back. He will never respect you. If he wants you for real he will jump fences to be with you AND on suitable terms (like actually ACTING a like you are in a committed relationship and none of this wishy washy business)

 

Good Luck.

[No Limit]

Go no contact. Block him on everything. You're holding on to a selfish idiot.

[slipped halo]

Thanks guys ... I just needed to hear that from someone ... You would agree then that not attempting to even kiss me is strange ? I mean he left me in September which means he hasn't been physical with me since then ! My friends think he should be desperate by now .. Red blooded male and all that ! I omitted to mention that one of the reasons he gave for not seeing me on my free Sunday was he would be too tired and rough after an all night birthday do !!

 

Why cry though and act all broken hearted and why ring every night ? Surely I must mean a bit of something ?

[No Limit]

You're good for his ego, and that's it. A friend of mine sadly fell for this act and while they got together it's a long distance relationship so he's probably cheating every weekend and she just stuck her head in the ground, only to come complaining about how nasty he is every once in a while *sigh.

 

It doesn't matter what excuses he makes or what kind of act he pulls off. It's his act, how else can he be convinced that he's "such a good player" if you're not doing as he says? It's not him messing with your head, it's you allowing him to mess with your head.

[Ralph79]

I've tried to follow most of your posts. Let me see if I get this straight. [Correct me if I'm wrong]

 

1. Your BF moves into a University Dorm with friends who became a couple and another girl which he ends up interacting with a lot.

2. You become increasingly jealous about this and suggest to go on NC for a Month. This being your idea of course.

3. At some point he broke NC to let you know he was getting your a Bday present which people suggested were merely breadcrumbs.

4. You admit to becoming more demanding to see him and he backs off. So you initiated NC again.

5. 5 days later you break NC and he tells you he feels smothered. You keep calling him and find him increasingly cold.

6. He eventually breaks up with you, telling you he thinks it's best if you break up.

7. Someone else steps into the picture, sends you flowers and chocolates which you proceed to upload to your instagram account.

8. Madness ensues because he finds himself unable to let go of you. He follows your followers and stalks you.

 

I think you have managed to get into your eX's head and have been using the new guy as leverage to keep pulling your eX back. The fact that you are more concerned that he didn't get physical with you the last time you met, and the fact that you are asking this :

 

Why cry though and act all broken hearted and why ring every night ? Surely I must mean a bit of something ?

 

Means you care more about your eX than the new guy you are going on a Date with.

 

I agree with what everyone else is saying. Your BF is immature and doesn't know how to cope with his decisions. But you're also not helping.

 

And please don't use the new guy if you're really not INTO him. You'll be doing to him what your eX is doing to you.

 

Definitely Break it off with your eX, go full NC, and get a fresh start.

[slipped halo]

Hi thanks ... He is the only son of elderly well off parents and has been pampered and indulged all his life. We were each others first loves too which I suppose makes it hard on all fronts . It's s new situation for us both

[slipped halo]

I've tried to follow most of your posts. Let me see if I get this straight. [Correct me if I'm wrong]

 

1. Your BF moves into a University Dorm with friends who became a couple and another girl which he ends up interacting with a lot.

2. You become increasingly jealous about this and suggest to go on NC for a Month. This being your idea of course.

3. At some point he broke NC to let you know he was getting your a Bday present which people suggested were merely breadcrumbs.

4. You admit to becoming more demanding to see him and he backs off. So you initiated NC again.

5. 5 days later you break NC and he tells you he feels smothered. You keep calling him and find him increasingly cold.

6. He eventually breaks up with you, telling you he thinks it's best if you break up.

7. Someone else steps into the picture, sends you flowers and chocolates which you proceed to upload to your instagram account.

8. Madness ensues because he finds himself unable to let go of you. He follows your followers and stalks you.

 

I think you have managed to get into your eX's head and have been using the new guy as leverage to keep pulling your eX back. The fact that you are more concerned that he didn't get physical with you the last time you met, and the fact that you are asking this :

 

 

 

Means you care more about your eX than the new guy you are going on a Date with.

 

I agree with what everyone else is saying. Your BF is immature and doesn't know how to cope with his decisions. But you're also not helping.

 

And please don't use the new guy if you're really not INTO him. You'll be doing to him what your eX is doing to you.

 

Definitely Break it off with your eX, go full NC, and get a fresh start.

Hey I found your advice really useful ... My ex has been trying to contact me now through a mutual friend , I've allegedly really cut him up and have absolutely ****** his life up and he can't cope. I do still care for him , and I know it's too little too late but would just like your slant on :

 

1. How can he be so devastated when he never made the move to stake his claim with me , what was he waiting for ?

 

2. if I mean SO much why did he not even try and kiss me ?

 

Thankyou

[Ralph79]

[sorry if this has been posted several times, I keep getting a message that flashes in and out too fast to read, and I don't see my reply]

 

Well, first of all, please understand that I can't give you a clear cut answer on both accounts. You are both 20. Hardly an age synonymous with mature and informed decisions. Not only do you both have much to learn, but there are several variables I am unaware of, to give you a completely accurate response. But I will give you my best guess:

 

"1. 1. How can he be so devastated when he never made the move to stake his claim with me , what was he waiting for ?"

 

You are assuming breaking up with you was an easy decision for him. He probably went through periods of sadness over his decision just as you did. It is very likely he felt smothered and your added pressure stemming from your jealousy forced his hand into making that decision.

 

I think he cares about you, but the fact that his college living arrangements are beyond his control made him realize a continued relationship with you was going to make everything exceedingly difficult.

 

I don't think you've provided any proof in your posts that he actually dumped you for FOR the other girl you mentioned. It's all assumptions. And it sounds as if he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship with you, if you are going to continue to be clingy and jealous. So he's calmly assessing the situation to take the best course of action.

 

His recent attempts to contact you are the result of YOUR mind games. Weather you want to admit it to yourself or not, you've managed to lure him back, but haven't been able to reel him in. It's ironic but he misses the same degree of attention he broke up with you for. That's why it seems that he's dipping his toe in the water before he makes the jump with you again.

 

2. if I mean SO much why did he not even try and kiss me ?

 

For all the reasons stated above. Worst thing you can do when trying to determine weather or not a relationship is salvageable is get down right physical. He wanted to see where both of you stood when you met, getting physical would've been jumping right back in, no questions asked. He's clearly not convinced that things are going to work out between you, given the current conditions.

 

How do you feel about the person whom you are doing to date or dated already?

[CrystalShine2011]

What a selfish guy. It sounds like he may also have someone on the side but ALSO wants you there as well. Do your best to block him (at least, it's what I would do.) I bet you will meet a guy who will be 100% better than your ex.

[slipped halo]

Thankyou ... This is really helping me see things a bit clearer. I do like the guy I'm dating but feel my ex is almost guilt tripping me ... He's 'completely cut up and devastated ' was I supposed to wait around on the back burner for ever ? Our mutual friend is trying to persuade me to speak to him because he's 'going to change' is this all manipulation purely because he isn't in control of the break up now ? Why would he want me now when he didn't a few weeks ago? Can't see it ever working if I did go back , would you agree

[Ralph79]

Thankyou ... This is really helping me see things a bit clearer. I do like the guy I'm dating but feel my ex is almost guilt tripping me ... He's 'completely cut up and devastated ' was I supposed to wait around on the back burner for ever ? Our mutual friend is trying to persuade me to speak to him because he's 'going to change' is this all manipulation purely because he isn't in control of the break up now ? Why would he want me now when he didn't a few weeks ago? Can't see it ever working if I did go back , would you agree

 

Try and think this logically (Almost impossible to do when feelings are involved)

 

Calmly meditate and ask yourself:

 

What circumstances led to your relationship blossom in the first place? Is it possible for both of you to be in that state of mind again? Or has life opened your eyes to things you can't ignore anymore that might be a problem in the future with him?

 

What circumstances led to the deterioration of your relationship? Has anything happened or changed that makes you believe it won't falter again? Has the source of the problem been eradicated or overcome?

 

Whatever your answers, you must balance the cost vs benefit of investing yourself in this man. You are young. It's really not like me to suggest to anyone to "kill" a relationship, but he broke it off with you. It was his decision, and he needs to live with it.

 

You should take this opportunity to enjoy life as a single woman and appreciate different qualities other men have to offer. I mean that in a respectful way of course. It's your chance to refine your tastes in the type of man you will want the rest of your life.

 

If you care about your eX, but decide that the circumstances haven't changed and that in your current situation a relationship is doomed to failure, then remove him from your life and remove yourself from his for the time being. What you do with your life and what he does with his, while you are both not mutually committed, is each other's own personal business.

 

And to answer your question: He wants you because he's realizing he's losing you. And he can't do anything about it but beg. He needs to remember WHY he made the decision he made, and realize it wasn't only just best for him, but it was best for you as well, given what happened.