NP518 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I've been separated from my husband for 14 months. We separated because we've had issues with communication for a very long time. He was verbally abusive to me and drank. We had a son together and he continued to be selfish and still wanted to go to the bar once a week. I ended up leaving and getting a place with my sister. While separated, I started dating a guy that I've been friends with for a few years. We were pretty close and I knew he had feelings for me, but I was married. I fell for him pretty hard and he made me really happy but I felt emptiness when I was not with my son. While being separated, my husband really made an effort to change. It was really a reality check for him. I want to try to work things out with him because that is what's best for my son. I feel horrible moving him back and forth. I really want a normal family however, I have strong feelings for this new guy and not my husband. I have cut off contact with this guy but I still think about him and always wonder "what if". Should I throw away my marriage over this or just supress the feelings, and move forward with my husband? My husband knows my feelings for this guy but still wants to work it out. He is extremely insecure about this, so it would definitely take work. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 As a guy that was in your husband's shoes......I would give anything to get my family back. Yes, I messed up, but it takes 2 and doesn't have to be a life sentence. And like your husband, I've busted my tail to be the best person I could be since I got the same treatment. Sometimes in life you got to break things down, to build them back up. And you don't know what you have until it's gone. If he has really had an awakening, he is willing to bust his ____ to work it out. Hubby will have to work on his own issues, and then deal with his issues with the guy, so it's going to take awhile. And I would suggest you have some individual counseling as well.........If you don't feel like you can put 100% into making it work, then don't. But if your son and family are worth it to you, you will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 My husband knows my feelings for this guy but still wants to work it out. He is extremely insecure about this, so it would definitely take work. Thoughts? Is none of the above one of the choices ? Feeling the way you do, seems staying with your husband would be cheating both of you. He deserves to find someone who loves him, same for you. But jumping into another relationship is often a recipe for disaster. You have a child who will need help with the transition and some unanswered questions from your marriage. Wouldn't it make sense to focus on those issues and get your life back on track? You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 How "done" are you? When I left my live in BF of 10+ years he changed. He became all the things I wanted him to be before I walked out. On some level it was tempting but on too many it was too little too late, even though had he done 1/10 of what he was now doing then, I never would have left in the 1st place. Then again it was a BF, not a husband & we didn't have kids. Since I believe in marriage & you two took vows & he's trying, I say give him another chance. You may fall back in love with him. All of this is contingent on him no longer drinking. If he's still drinking, nothing will ever be better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 If you just ended thing with the OM, then you might still be in the affair fog. You need to distance yourself from this other dude. And I have a feeling that you're not. Like, if you're still looking at his Facebook, or twitter or ANY social media, then you're still looking in on the OM and that's not NO CONTACT. Then, you need to get to a marriage counselor an DO THE WORK! Dedicate yourself to all the homework assignments and do them together. Work hard and communicate with each other. Then, hopefully, you can regain your marriage back and it could get even stronger! But, after all the marriage counseling and everything, if you still don't feel the love and connection with your husband; well, at least you can walk away knowing that you tried. And you probably won't suffer the "what if's". BUT! The key is motivating yourself to giving this 100% of your effort. If you're just going through the motions, then it won't work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Should I throw away my marriage over this or just supress the feelings, and move forward with my husband? Feelings change with the wind. You were once head over heels in love with your estranged husband. Now you're wondering if those feelings still exist and whether or not to proceed with a reconciliation. My husband knows my feelings for this guy but still wants to work it out. Those are his feelings of the moment, apparently. If yours match, work on that. If not, don't. He is extremely insecure about this, so it would definitely take work. Any insecurities he has are his work, separate from work on the M. Thoughts? How long married and does his alcohol abuse continue? If you had to characterize your marital foundation in a word, what would that word be? How long have you been physically separated? Any counseling in this mix? Welcome to LS. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Don't move back in with your husband, but start dating him and see how it goes. If he's really changed, it will show - and it will be obvious if he's saying he has but really has not. If he hasn't truly changed, then you are still living elsewhere and it will be easier to divorce him. Then is when you can contact the other man, but do NOT do so unless you're really given your husband a chance. If you can't fall back IN love with your husband, then an empty marriage is NOT good for your child - it sets a bad example for him to follow later in life, and could wreck his chances for happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 It sounds like this has been a difficult situation, I'm sorry to hear that. Have you and your husband considered some marital or individual counseling? It may be really helpful for you both to have a professional to speak with as you are sorting through this situation. Just something to think about. Wishing you the best of luck. the brie's cheese knees Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I would give your husband one more chance... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NP518 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you so much for the responses. We actually have tried counseling and he gets counseling weekly. Counseling did not work but that was also right before our separation and we were just very angry with each other. He is willing to go back and try it again. Another problem is I have no sex drive for him at all anymore. I don't like him touching me and I have no idea how to get that back. We hung out as a family last night and he went in to kiss me and I just couldn't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 What do you define verbal abuse as? How much did he drink? Before you moved in with your sister what was your contact with the OM and the content of it? How much does your husband know? Link to post Share on other sites
JFReyes Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 How "done" are you? When I left my live in BF of 10+ years he changed. He became all the things I wanted him to be before I walked out. On some level it was tempting but on too many it was too little too late, even though had he done 1/10 of what he was now doing then, I never would have left in the 1st place. "He became all the things I wanted him to be"... So it's your way or the highway... Somewhere I read that "I don't need someone to complete me, but rather someone who will accept me with the pieces I'm missing...". "Too little, too late?", or rather instant gratification instead of patiently working things out? I wonder... Peace, :-) Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Oh dear...if you can't get back a physical urge/interest in him...that is sad and not sure how to overcome that or if it even possible? Is it sex/intimacy in general, or the idea of it with him? I don't have any interest in sex at all these days...maybe it will come back. But I don't know how one would direct it specifically to a certain person. Maybe ask your therapist if it is something people overcome? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 If you just ended thing with the OM, then you might still be in the affair fog. You need to distance yourself from this other dude. And I have a feeling that you're not. Like, if you're still looking at his Facebook, or twitter or ANY social media, then you're still looking in on the OM and that's not NO CONTACT. The problem is that this might not be an affair fog. OP got close to this guy after the seperation. If she was already done in her mind with the marriage and halfway to moving on, it's going to take a lot to "remedy" that... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I vote for the new guy. And if you choose instead to stay in your loveless marriage, remember this: that's the kind of relationship you're modelling for your son. You're letting him live with THAT as his template for what marriage is.... and your abusive husband is teaching him how to treat women! Just because you have a child together, that doesn't doom you to a life without feeling love and passion. You're entitled to find happiness, too! And ultimately, that's what our kids want for us as well, to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I really want a normal family I don't know of any "normal" families where one spouse is in love with another person and doesn't even like her husband to touch her, much less be intimate with her. Why would you even consider putting yourself - and your husband, if any feelings left for him - in that position? If you thought things were stressful before, you haven't seen anything yet. What you're proposing is a perfect storm of resentment, anger and drama. If only for your son's sake, don't do it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Another problem is I have no sex drive for him at all anymore. I don't like him touching me and I have no idea how to get that back. We hung out as a family last night and he went in to kiss me and I just couldn't do it. This is a really tough situation and one that will be difficult to resolve. But having the OM in your thoughts will not lead to healthy decisions. You should get him out of your life and as much out of your mind as possible. Then and only then can you make a healthy assessment of your feelings about your husband and your marriage. It may come down to the fact that you have lost all feelings for him, but you can't say that with any honesty until you look at him with an unclouded mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Moving back into your home with your husband does not make your family normal. Your husband may change, but the damage is done. I did the back and forth twice. It sucks and F's everyone up more. Your husband drinks and is verbally abusive. Strike one. You have a BF. Strike two. You moved out. Strike three. You are fooling yourself if you think going home will fix your situation. Here's how it will play out; You'll go home. Everyone will be excited and upbeat except you. You'll feel good about being with your son and caring for him. You'll pretend to want your H and pretend to care about him all the while feeling like shyt because you miss your BF and you hurt him. You'll cry a lot when no one is looking. You'll think about your BF when you're having sex with your husband. You'll feel awful for leaving, coming back, leaving and coming back again...you'll begin to know your marriage doesn't give you what you need and you'll feel even more trapped there. Stay with your sister. Call your son when you are not with him. See him as much as you can. Tell you husband to get into counseling. See if there's a change. Tell the BF you are still married and need to exhaust that first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Look at the title of your thread...says it all. With that said, you do need to let the OM go until you sort this mess out (your head). Get your mind clear and gather your strength. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 The drink is bad, the verbal abuse is bad. He needs to really change a lot if this is ever going to work Verbal abuse also tends to kill any connection and connection is needed for you to enjoy sex with him. Getting that connection and trust back is going to be difficult. Is he an abusive man with a drink problem, or is he a normal man who gets abusive when drunk? The latter can be solved by not drinking, the former will take a huge amount of work. I agree with others, be in no hurry to leave your sister, you do not want to be back in the same old rut in a few weeks time with an abusive drunk, an OM hovering in the wings and a messed up son. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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