It's a long road without her!

[makegoodfrombad]

I broke up with my girlfriend during a drunk call in early November. She was away for work and I proceeded not to contact her for 4 days until I realised

she wasn't contacting me and I had a hollow feeling in my stomach. When I rang her after those 4 days she was heart broken, I had hurt her, so badly I would only

find out after going through it myself. The relationship had been progressively getting worse though. We were living in just a room, I was her boss at work, we were never apart and I was

at my lowest point with my gambling addiction. In the end the romance had been drained from the relationship. We still loved and cared for each other but we

made little effort to have special time together. I realised that I needed to get away and sort my gambling situation out so I told her I was quitting my job and

moving away for awhile to sort myself out. I didn't discuss this with her, I told her. Looking back I see how much that must of hurt her, a 2 year relationship

deserves better than that. She had to stay away for work for a couple of weeks longer in which we kept in constant contact and I just thought we would be ok.

When she got back home it had all changed, she was still hurting and angry at what I had put her through. In late November I still had 3 weeks left of work,

I had given them 6 weeks notice. Living with her and sleeping beside her but not being able to hold her drove me mad. I had a talk with her, begging for her to

forgive me and take me back but she couldn't. I told her I had to leave then and packed up that night and moved away. What followed I'm sure most of you know.

It was my first proper relationship and my first real love. My stomach was getting pulled in more directions than I though possible. Sleep was a thing of the past,

dreams were every night, eating was a huge job and emotions were all over the shop. We kept in touch, bought each other gifts for our birthdays and Christmas all the while I was dying

inside. I had not gambled since early November when I accepted I had a problem and proceeded to get help while I was away. That side of things were going great and

I was keeping fit and living healthy. I was still missing her so much though and had no idea about the importance of no contact yet. I came up just after New years

to see her, I we went for dinner with friends and I stayed on the couch at hers but it was miserable, we were both awkward and hurting. When I left the next morning

we hugged and then the tears came from her and we had a parting kiss. After that day I was on google searching ways to deal what I was going through and came across

the no contact rule. After reading about it I implemented it, sent her a message and said I cant talk to her, its too hard at the moment. I moved back for work, a new job

about an hour away from her. 2 weeks into no contact I woke up one morning and the urge to talk to her was unbearable. Up to this point I was doing great but I

hadn't experienced the waves yet. I crumbled, sent her message after message, saying I need to talk to her, she's the one etc etc... All that needy talk. She wrote

back and said she didn't want to talk to me. Then I started to call her and she wouldn't pick up, so what's genius here do, drove to hers! As you can imagine she

was not happy to see me, she let me in and we talked, mostly meaningless stuff. I asked if she thought we would get back together one day and she said she didn't know.

I did however get to apologise for my mistakes and the way I treated her (I see this as a positive) I then told her that I would not contact her again, she would have

to contact me when she feels ready. Tomorrow will be 30 days since that brain explosion. I still miss her every day and at my current job there are lots of people

who knew us as a couple. Everyday I have a least something said to me about her, whether it be them asking how she is or telling me something she has posted on FB.

That obviously makes it a bit harder to deal with also. I am however going great at work, putting some goals together and working towards achieving them. I have the

gambling problem covered which is so awesome and my life is definitely heading in the right direction. With all this being said I still feel like she is missing from

it. We were great friends before we got together and then became best friends when we did get together.

I read how we put them on a pedestal and only remember the good times etc but I truly hope that girl comes walking back into my life. Should I just act as if it will never happen and continue doing what I'm doing?