were the red flags there? Or was it me?

[heytheregirl]

I met this guy overseas about 4 months ago. We never got to meet but we hit it off right away conversation wise. It started off as nothing, very light hearted and just a bit of fun. We did however skype in the first week of meeting and I got scared about how much I liked him and deleted him... I re added him back realising i was being stupid but this obviously hurt him. He got over it and we were back to normal soon enough, we joked that we got along so well that we should just get married.

This continued when I got back to my country, we talked almost daily, skyped, he was a breath of fresh air.

Eventually it got to the point where he asked me to be serious with him about how i felt about a month ago, and I was.

He talked about coming to see me but it wouldn't be for another 4 months from now. It seemed that after I told him how I felt he was beginning to make less effort, we did talk daily still but I just didn't know what we were, I had never met him yet felt so strongly, he had told me he thought I was the one etc. which strangely enough felt good.

I started to get suspicious at the less frequent chat, it seemed like when we talked he was less interested as well.

I then I began to snoop and found a woman on his instagram with posts of them together saying me and my boo. When I stupidly confronted him he told me i was being crazy and even send a screenshot of texts to her to get confirmation that they were just friends.

He was even more distant after that and told me to stop being insecure and projecting my issues onto him. I felt like I needed reassurance but all I had was him telling me how crazy I am.

 

as days went by I felt worse and worse, I suggested that we took the pressure off and talked as friends until it came to the point where he could get a ticket out. He didn't take this well at all, I had the silent treatment for a few days until he called me drunk, in the conversation he called me an idiot and a retard for 'ruining everything' and told me to go 'go **** *name of my best guy friend*'

I hung up on him and he apologised and said it was just because he was mad that he loved me so much and I ruined it.

 

A few days after I explained that I just wanted to be understood and he continued to tell me that I was wrong, and that I was insecure and all of these feelings were unwarranted, and that he has no insecurities and that I should be like that too. By this point I was extremely mad and told him that everybody has insecurities and all I wanted is to be understood and reassured.

He then told me that I was just too afraid to be happy and that I pushed him away and that he was sorry that he wasn't good enough.

 

I know that my insecurities played a large part in this but I felt like this was all I wanted but warning bells were going off for me. Is this my insecurities or did I have these feelings for a reason???

[CarrieT]

You are trying to build a relationship with someone you have never met.

 

Granted, the Skyping is nice and all that, but until you actually know and spend time with someone IN REAL LIFE, all bets are off.

 

You are falling in love and developing emotions for someone based on words alone - and that is not enough. You are projecting how you want them to be, smell, act, and reaction and none of that will actually happen until you are together in the same room.

 

You can't "talk as friends" because you have already invested your heart in something that can't really be until you can spend time with one another. I'd suggest cooling off completely. Spend your energy meeting and spending time with someone that you can have a real relationship with...

[heytheregirl]

thank you for your advice.

 

I think I got so emotionally invested because the relationships I have had locally have always gotten physical fast and it was nice to get to know someone on a different level.

As you say though, words are not enough and that is what is causing my insecurity because I don't genuinely know him. Only the person I speak to on the phone, only the bits he wants me to see.

 

I feel like I was going a bit insane, but didn't want to end it because I liked the person I think or imagine him to be.

[CarrieT]

I have totally been where you are. In fact, I fell in love with someone based on their words alone and completely over-turned my life to be with him. It was manic and - yes - insane... For me, that relationship lasted 2 1/2 years but the last 18 months of it were shear hell and what ultimately brought me to this site.

I feel like I was going a bit insane, but didn't want to end it because I liked the person I think or imagine him to be.

Re-read your last phrase. You have IMAGINED someone that would fit with you so perfectly based on just a few choice things that he said. Of course you didn't want it to end because what you created in your mind was really, really great.

 

In the long run, no one person or relationship could ever live up to what you wanted it to be so you were always bound to be disappointed.

 

Let him go and stay off the internet chat sites and Skype for a while. Be in the here and now without technology. Re-learn to connect to people In Real Life; by listening, interacting, talking, and being with them. Don't build a fantasy relationship on words...

[heytheregirl]

I feel better to know someone has been through it too. I just needed someone to confirm that I was making the right decision ending it, because he made me feel like I was being an insecure psycho for not investing everything into the relationship.

[Buddhist]

When someone's pointing the finger at you they have three fingers pointing back at themselves. Being irrationally emotional over a simple question is a big red flag in my book. It points to defensiveness. If someone really loved you, it would be impossible to 'ruin it all' over a single conversation. Unless of course there was nothing there to begin with.

 

Often when we have these intuitions it's because on some level we suspect that things are not as they appear. Those gut feelings are correct more often than not. Your question was just an easy out, a way for him to blow up emotionally and then blame it all on you. It's called deflection, and allows the other person to justify in their own head that they have no responsibility in that situation. I've seen it before, and both of the people I've seen it in were people with something to hide.

 

And yes, internet relationships are not relationships at all until the two people meet face to face.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Buddhist

[heytheregirl]

When someone's pointing the finger at you they have three fingers pointing back at themselves.

 

Thank you for your insight, Buddhist.

He made me feel like I was being overly emotional and crazy, I never considered that it would be a deflection. It makes sense.

Somehow I feel like I was manipulated into questioning my better judgement.

[coryreply]

Sorry you're going through all of this. It can be really, really confusing when our imaginations are driving a relationship.

 

I think CarrieT gave you great advice to pull back from the internet stuff and focus your time and energy on meeting people in your area. I get what you're saying about things getting too physical with the local guys. Don't forget, you can change that. Put some boundaries in place in that area of your life and refuse to allow yourself to get coerced into something you really don't want.

 

I hope that helps. Hang in there. I'm sure you have a really bright future ahead of yourself!

[heytheregirl]

Good advice -- I need to have the strength to set those boundaries in my life, Thank you so much.

[justwhoiam]

he called me drunk, in the conversation he called me an idiot and a retard for 'ruining everything' and told me to go 'go **** *name of my best guy friend*'

What?

 

Uh, what??!

 

I don't care about any apology, if someone dares going that far with me, without even having met! Seriously?

 

My suggestion: move on and never look back.