I'm going to end this

[louloulau]

This is my first time ever writing this. I have no one to turn to with my secret. I'm married and I'm sleeping with a married man.

 

To start at the beginning we met on a married dating site. I went on just to browse, to have a fantasy and to chat not to actually ever meet up with anyone. Then he emailed me. He told me everything I needed to hear at that point in time. After weeks of mailing coconstantly to the point where the rest of my life was suffering he told me he loved me. I said I did too.

 

I see it was not love, of course not, but just the excitement of being wanted. Before we had a chance to meet it ended as I found out he was also mailing other women.... of course he was! That was that. For 2 weeks.

 

Then the emails started. Constantly chasing me asking will I speak to him ect, I never ever replied until about 4 weeks later he mailed me at a low point and I met him and we had sex.

 

He then said he could never see me again. Fair enough I thought, it was what it was. I was fine.happy.not at all bothered.

 

Then the emails again start constantly.then the phone calls. For weeks and weeks and weeks. He's not promising anything other than sex. One day I agree to see him as things at home were not great, and yet again we had sex twice.

 

And that was how it started.There is no contact at all until he's ready for sex, usually about 3 times a week we meet. The job is done and then he leaves. No contact again. It suited me as I am in a sexless marriage.

 

Until now. Yes yes the emotions have started to come into it and I've realised if I'm honest. I don't want him. I just hate the fact that he doesn't want me and I let it happen. So I cancelled a meet today. And I really have to be strong and stick at it. This is a master manipulator who told me he loved me to get into my pants. I'm a smart girl I even know this and I degrade myself by letting him into my bed. I hate this mess. Im not sure if any of this makes sense I just needed to get it out there.

Edited February 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CarrieT]

You can end it by confessing to your husband.

 

As soon as you get it out in the open, you won't have to deal with it by yourself.

[jellybean89]

Block his email and his phone number.

 

Stop allowing him to use you.

 

You need to either fix your marriage or get out of it. Married people shouldn't be online looking for attention. If that is how you want to live your life, get divorced and you can go online and meet hundreds of men. But it is wrong to do this to your spouse.

[nikki76]

Maybe you are addicted to the thrill and excitement. He is filling that void that you are not getting in your marriage. This man shows you attention. ....any kind of attention, and you are hooked. You give him what he wants, he goes NC and you go thru withdrawal. Then, he shows up again and he feeds your addiction and so it begins again.

 

I totally get it. But you have to find a way to stop before you get caught. Seek therapy. Figure out what it is in your life/marriage that you desire and go for it.

 

Block him. He doesnt deserve any kind of explanation. Just do it.

 

Please do not give yourself to this man anymore. Most likely he's getting from other people too.

 

I understand the addiction. I was there. And im fighting it everyday. The attention is like a high. But the lows are the lowest moments in your life and the longer you continue, the harder it will be to get out.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Lou,

 

I agree with Nikki, you are addicted to the attention and you need to brake that addiction. You already know that this man does not care one bit about you or your situation. Block him and spend that energy and mind space on yourself, to figure out why you would allow yourself to be treated this way, and decide how you want to move forward for yourself and your marriage.

 

Also, you may want to get tested. Obviously you are not this guy's only rodeo and you need to take care of your own health, and the health of your family.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[louloulau]

You can end it by confessing to your husband.

 

As soon as you get it out in the open, you won't have to deal with it by yourself.

 

I want to confess.I've thought about it so much recently but then I think I will be hurting him to ease my own guilt. We can be talking on the phone, and I feel myself ready to blurt it all out to him and ask for his forgiveness. I'm so scared I will lose him. I am losing sleep over the guilt which I know I deserve. I keep waking up through the night with a racing heartbeat and my mind is all over.I can't believe I ever brought this drama into my own life by choice.

[louloulau]

Maybe you are addicted to the thrill and excitement. He is filling that void that you are not getting in your marriage. This man shows you attention. ....any kind of attention, and you are hooked. You give him what he wants, he goes NC and you go thru withdrawal. Then, he shows up again and he feeds your addiction and so it begins again.

 

I totally get it. But you have to find a way to stop before you get caught. Seek therapy. Figure out what it is in your life/marriage that you desire and go for it.

 

Block him. He doesnt deserve any kind of explanation. Just do it.

 

Please do not give yourself to this man anymore. Most likely he's getting from other people too.

 

I understand the addiction. I was there. And im fighting it everyday. The attention is like a high. But the lows are the lowest moments in your life and the longer you continue, the harder it will be to get out.

 

I agree I can see now it was all the attention and excitement. Waking up to a message from him telling me he has thought about me all night. Things were not great at home and I fell for it. My hubby is a great man who would do anything for me but he works away and we haven't had sex for a while. I should of spent the time focusing on fixing us instead of spending it looking elsewhere I see that now.

[Popsicle]

I should of spent the time focusing on fixing us instead of spending it looking elsewhere I see that now.

 

Well, just do that. And don't tell your husband.

[A.Moscote]

I should of spent the time focusing on fixing us instead of spending it looking elsewhere I see that now.

Hi loulou, glad to know you are moving towards ending the affair and fixing your marriage. It's not easy but it's not unachievable. Be strong and don't give up.

 

...but then I think I will be hurting him to ease my own guilt.

Choosing not to hurt your husband is a valid reason not to confess, I understand that even though I'm from the other camp (which I'll be campaigning for below). If that is the path you choose, then yes, there are some members here who have made it through. Usually they implement a very efficient NC (which is why it should be your priority right now) and they have/have had good marriages and understanding and rational spouses (hopefully you too).

 

However, one glaring disadvantage of not confessing is that you don't diminish the probability of falling into the affair again. The chances of resuming is always higher than when it is all in the open. In other word, you are choosing a way that is not efficient in ending an affair.

 

Read through the threads here, in this sub-section, and reflect on them. Many have fall back into the affair again, after some period of stepping back, after going-to-end-it moments, after having so much resolves not to continue anymore. You will see those elements in their story. If you don't feel like reading too much, then just look at a reply you got here:

...Then, he shows up again and he feeds your addiction and so it begins again.

...I totally get it.

...I understand the addiction. I was there.

 

It's your choice, keep on pondering on it. Again, there are people who have made it through without disclosing but basically it came down to choosing two opposing paths. Which is heavier to you, which you are more ready to burden yourself with, which you sincerely don't want to; hurting someone or possibly betraying that someone again.

[spiderowl]

We all need to feel needed and desired, it's natural. As you know, this guy is a user and manipulator and he is not making you feel good about yourself. Trust your instincts and find a better solution to your marriage problems.

[Satu]

This man is little better than a vampire. Avoid him like the plague.

 

Block all avenues of communication.

[obtuseedge]

This is my first time ever writing this. I have no one to turn to with my secret. I'm married and I'm sleeping with a married man. To start at the beginning we met on a married dating site. I went on just to browse, to have a fantasy and to chat not to actually ever meet up with anyone. Then he emailed me. He told me everything I needed to hear At that point in time. After weeks of mailing coconstantly to the point where the rest of my life was suffering he told me he loved me. I said I did too. I see it was not love, of course not but just the excitement of being wanted. Before we had a chance to meet it ended as I found out he was also mailing other women.... of course he was! That was that. For 2 weeks. Then the emails started. Constantly chasing me asking will I speak to him ect, I never ever replied until about 4 weeks later he mailed me at a low point and I met him and we had sex. He then said he could never see me again. Fair enough I thought, it was what it was. I was fime.happy.not at all bothered. Then the emails again start constantly.then the phone calls. For weeks and weeks and weeks. He's not promising anything other than sex. One day I agree to see him as things at home were not great, and yet again we had sex twice. And that was how it started.There is no contact at all until he's ready for sex, usually about 3 times a week we meet. The job is done and then he leaves. No contact again. It suited me as I am in a sexless marriage. Until now. Yes yes the emotions have started to come into it and I've realised if I'm honest. I don't want him. I just hate the fact that he doesn't want me and I let it happen. So I cancelled a meet today. And I really have to be strong and stick at it. This is a master manipulated who told me he loved me to get into my pants. I'm a smart girl I even know this and I degrade myself by letting him into my bed. I hate this mess. Im not sure if any of this makes sense I just needed to get it out there.

 

He is obviously just using you for sex. As it makes you feel terrible, you should just stop responding to his gestures.

[louloulau]

Thanks everyone for the input and advise. Today has been really difficult so it has helped to come on here and read these comments to keep me going. I've just walked around in a daze most of the morning, I was contemplating emailing him to say it's over,....BUT I have realised the only reason I want to do that is to see if he would fight for me. Of course he won't. I guess it would be nice to pretend I wasn't dumb enough to let myself be used for his sexual pleasure. So I won't email him. I won't answer his calls. I need to think long and hard about telling my husband. I do think over time he could forgive me but I keep imaging the look of hurt on his face. So I have alot to think of. We also have small children together which is also a big factor. I know it makes me sound even worse. I have so much to lose and I could never forgive myself disrupting their lives. It's hard but I will get there. I never imagined it would end like this or I would feel this way. I really thought I was in control. Writing this I only hope other people reading this will learn from my mistakes.And think twice about that bit of fun. If that's the right term to use!

[coryreply]

Thanks everyone for the input and advise. Today has been really difficult so it has helped to come on here and read these comments to keep me going. I've just walked around in a daze most of the morning, I was contemplating emailing him to say it's over,....BUT I have realised the only reason I want to do that is to see if he would fight for me. Of course he won't. I guess it would be nice to pretend I wasn't dumb enough to let myself be used for his sexual pleasure. So I won't email him. I won't answer his calls. I need to think long and hard about telling my husband. I do think over time he could forgive me but I keep imaging the look of hurt on his face. So I have alot to think of. We also have small children together which is also a big factor. I know it makes me sound even worse. I have so much to lose and I could never forgive myself disrupting their lives. It's hard but I will get there. I never imagined it would end like this or I would feel this way. I really thought I was in control. Writing this I only hope other people reading this will learn from my mistakes.And think twice about that bit of fun. If that's the right term to use!

 

Hi Lou. Have you thought about counseling at all? I'm concerned about the possibility of you turning back to this guy the next time you hit another "rough patch" at home. I think counseling would help build some real accountability for you. It could also help you address those issues in your marriage. Something to think about. I'm praying for you today!

[jbrent890]

Hi Lou. Have you thought about counseling at all? I'm concerned about the possibility of you turning back to this guy the next time you hit another "rough patch" at home. I think counseling would help build some real accountability for you. It could also help you address those issues in your marriage. Something to think about. I'm praying for you today!

 

I strongly suggest MC, but only if the OP is willing to be honest about her affair. I'm not going to lie, nothing disturbs me more then when I read of a WW dragging her BH to MC bringing up all of his issues, but still doesn't confess to cheating. For lack of a better term, I think it is a very sick and childish thing to do. To the extent, I would say that the WS hasn't progressed at all. It's still about them. And if the affair is ever revealed after that point, I couldn't imagine the amount of resentment the BS would have. My advice to you OP is think long and hard about going down that route.

[louloulau]

Hi Lou. Have you thought about counseling at all? I'm concerned about the possibility of you turning back to this guy the next time you hit another "rough patch" at home. I think counseling would help build some real accountability for you. It could also help you address those issues in your marriage. Something to think about. I'm praying for you today!

 

I have asked my husband in the past many many times for counselling. But he always says no. I was desperate for it. We sleep separately. I go to bed and he sits watching tv and sleeps on the sofa. There are no cuddles. No sex. We moved to a new area where I know no one and still do not know many people. I am lonely. I have told my partner all this. It's not as if I have not tried. I have cried but he is a very quiet man who thinks talking about our issues will make it worse. He actually said that. He thinks counselling is where we go and talk and then he gets all the blame for the problems and he doesn't want that. I've told him it's not like that. We have both faults. now i feel I have no right whatsoever to bring up the counselling as I can't sit there and lie. I will have to tell the truth. I still don't know if telling him would be best for our marriage. It would devastate him.

[louloulau]

I've had 2 voicemails From mm. I had missed calls from a private number. I knew it was him. I let it ring out over and over. He is asking how I am and how my children are. He never asks that.I know he must sense I'm avoiding him and is trying to manipulate me again.this is where I normally fall off the wagon. I think oh he must care. It must not just be sex. He must really have feelings for me and is just scared to show me. I know that is total rubbish! So why do I feel the urge to mail him! I will not. But honestly it's so so hard.

[Majormisstep]

MM will not fight for you. The/his game just got kicked up to a new level by you not responding.

 

Don't get sucked in to that vortex because as soon as you do, he's won this game and will turn his attention to the next woman.

 

Sit down with your H and let him know how serious you are on improving your M. And if he still isn't interested, then your option will either be to stay and accept the good things he has to offer, or leave and get out into that dreadful dating world. I'd probably pick the former. Just sayin'.

[coryreply]

I have asked my husband in the past many many times for counselling. But he always says no. I was desperate for it. We sleep separately. I go to bed and he sits watching tv and sleeps on the sofa. There are no cuddles. No sex. We moved to a new area where I know no one and still do not know many people. I am lonely. I have told my partner all this. It's not as if I have not tried. I have cried but he is a very quiet man who thinks talking about our issues will make it worse. He actually said that. He thinks counselling is where we go and talk and then he gets all the blame for the problems and he doesn't want that. I've told him it's not like that. We have both faults. now i feel I have no right whatsoever to bring up the counselling as I can't sit there and lie. I will have to tell the truth. I still don't know if telling him would be best for our marriage. It would devastate him.

 

There is certainly a need for marriage counseling down the road. My suggestion for counseling earlier was for you, personally. I can't stress enough how important accountability is when you're trying to shut down an affair. Typing it out to us is one thing; looking your therapist in the eye is quite another.

[louloulau]

There is certainly a need for marriage counseling down the road. My suggestion for counseling earlier was for you, personally. I can't stress enough how important accountability is when you're trying to shut down an affair. Typing it out to us is one thing; looking your therapist in the eye is quite another.

I agree I have to see someone I need to understand why I let someone do this to me just to get affection. Why I constantly need a man's approval before believing I have any worth.there is a lot of issues going on!

 

Still unsure about telling the H and spent most of yesterday in tears rehearsing how I would tell him. Another sleepiness night waking up with heart palpitations. I feel the guilt is eating me away..

 

I had another message also informing me from MM that basically when I change my mind he may not come running back. I can't block private calls to my phone as OH always calls private.

[Chasing_mya]

Sweety you need to Love yourself enough to let this MM go. You have allowed him in your bed to share the very most precious part of you. Once he has you, he walks away without a word until the urge strikes him again. Don't you know you are worth more than a few minutes of an orgasm? While you're left picking up the pieces, he's back home kissing his wife goodnight like nothing happened. Clearly you are not the only woman he's sleeping with. While he's with you 3 times a week who you think is occupying the other 4? Pick yourself up and know you deserve better than this.

[louloulau]

2 more messages. This is driving me crazy now. When do they stop with the contact.

 

It's made me realise I am so ready to have him out of my life now. Why won't he just leave me alone. I will not let this mm back I am getting more and more confident about that fact with everyday that passes.

[whichwayisup]

2 more messages. This is driving me crazy now. When do they stop with the contact.

 

It's made me realise I am so ready to have him out of my life now. Why won't he just leave me alone. I will not let this mm back I am getting more and more confident about that fact with everyday that passes.

 

If you're really ready for him to be out of your life, block him. This way too, you won't be reading what he writes to you. He is taking up head space and he's not worth being in your head!

[louloulau]

If you're really ready for him to be out of your life, block him. This way too, you won't be reading what he writes to you. He is taking up head space and he's not worth being in your head!

 

He calls my mobile on a private number and leaves me voice mails. I can't block private because my H calls from work private. I think I need to see if I can change my number and find a valid reason to tell my H.

 

Once I do that then I think I can finally have time and space to move on and address the issues instead of thinking about MM

[snl]

Hi. I can only advise to be strong and block/avoid and move on. Once emotions kick in and you are not happy with how he treats you then you will only get hurt and all sex in the world is not worth it. I hope you can resist giving in.