Here is what I deal with, suggestions ! (Updated)

[Gaeta]

After a break of 4 months I am back online.

 

People always frown when I tell them I met 100 + men and nothing has materialized for me! You will understand why in a minute:

 

Here is my situation now.

 

Prospect 1: We met Friday evening. He is A1 and we had a great date. At the end of our date he gave me a bunch of compliments and told me he'd love to see me again and I said I'd love to. The following morning he sent me a text saying: I can't wait to see you again. Which was super sweet. Last night he called me and asked if I was free tonight. I said yes, he then invited himself over to my place (sigh of disappointment). Not only he invited himself to my place but he suggested I cook for him because he loves home-made food.

 

Prospect 2: We met Saturday evening. We had a great time!! In terms of having fun he surpassed many of the men I met. He put in his profile he is looking for love etc. During our date I learned he is 9 months out of a 22 year marriage (sigh of disappointment). Nothing is settled, the house is not sold, his ex does not work, he pays his mortgage and his apartment.

 

Prospect 3: We have not met yet. He cancelled our last night date because he got a cold. So far I liked him very much I was really looking forward to meet him. He saw me online at 5h last night. He sent me a message saying: You don't need to search anymore!! You won't found anyone better than me!!!, this morning he sent me a text: Good morning woman of my dreams! (sigh of disappointment)

 

So, the 3 of them are a no-go. I will go back online, I will get 3 new ones and it will just be a repeat of what I have just exposed to you. That is how I got to meet 100 men in the past 3 years and I am still single.

 

Sometimes I am thinking I should put in my profile a list of don't like

 

1. Don't invite yourself over to my place

2. Don't contact me if your divorce is not final

3. Don't tell me I am the woman of your dreams if we have not met.

 

Please offer me some guidance.

 

Thank you

[Diezel]

Seems like the answer is obvious: Stop doing online dating.

[PegNosePete]

Sometimes I am thinking I should put in my profile a list of don't like

 

1. Don't invite yourself over to my place

2. Don't contact me if your divorce is not final

3. Don't tell me I am the woman of your dreams if we have not met.

This kind of thinking, is self-defeating.

What is a normal, decent guy going to think when he sees a list like that?

"Drama magnet - avoid"

That list would put off the normal, decent ones... so who is left...?

 

Maybe there are similar things in your profile, which seem perfectly fine to you, but which are putting off the normal/decent ones?

[Gaeta]

Seems like the answer is obvious: Stop doing online dating.

 

That is counter-productive when you want to meet someone. Latest survey in my city 75% of singles use online.

[Gaeta]

Maybe there are similar things in your profile, which seem perfectly fine to you, but which are putting off the normal/decent ones?

 

No I don't have anything like that in my profile. I talk about myself, I list things I enjoy, no list, nothing negative.

[Maleficent]

I don't think it has anything to do with online dating and I don't think you're doing anything 'wrong' that you need to change either.

 

Think about it; online dating is full of singles (duh) but a lot of people are single for a reason. They are still on those sites - especially the free ones. So you'll keep running into them.

 

It's basically a question if choosing whether you want to deal with a number on losers before meeting someone who tickles your fancy.

[Diezel]

That is counter-productive when you want to meet someone. Latest survey in my city 75% of singles use online.

 

And your current results are productive?

 

With all those dates you've gone on? Forget what the surveys say. The survey is 75% of everyone that was asked that question. The sample size could have been 500 people.

 

I don't get it. If it isn't working and you are having this much trouble, why do you still try so hard? Because of a survey?

 

 

But to indulge your original question:

As a man who has read online profiles, if you list bullet points 1-3, I'd read your profile as a huge no-no and a downer. I get tired of reading profiles like that.

[lovexocoach]

Sounds like you need to "vet" these guys before meeting them by asking them questions. Otherwise it's a waste of your time as you've discovered.

 

 

I wouldn't suggest putting things you don't like in your profile - it will turn off good guys too.

[Gaeta]

I don't think it has anything to do with online dating and I don't think you're doing anything 'wrong' that you need to change either.

 

Think about it; online dating is full of singles (duh) but a lot of people are single for a reason. They are still on those sites - especially the free ones. So you'll keep running into them.

 

It's basically a question if choosing whether you want to deal with a number on losers before meeting someone who tickles your fancy.

 

But is it normal to meet THAT many losers (for lack of better word)? It's full of people around me that have met normal men online and are in happy relationships.

 

Two men in my original post are from paying sites.

[PegNosePete]

No it is not normal. I met around 20-30 and only got cancelled on a handful of times. I would say almost all of them were "normal" and "decent".

[Gaeta]

I don't like those lists of negative either.

 

I really feel though as if I have to tell men how to treat a woman. A LOT of those men I meet think it's proper to invite themselves over for a 2nd date. I rarely meet men that will invite me on proper 2-3 dates and wait for me to invite them over for dinner.

 

At some point I told myself OK, be open minded and invite them over, and I did, and most of the time they expected to get into bed.

 

Their faces, when I tell them it's time for you to leave, is priceless but that does not give me a bf.

[BluEyeL]

I think that you, like many many (most, actually) others are looking just to vent here. You did meet more than 100 men an still didn't find love. Given the numbers, I am personally positive that the problem stays with you and NOT with online dating, and all the men in your city. It doesn't make any sense.

 

I could point out some of the things you are probably doing wrong, and if I knew you, I could probably identify others, but there is no point. Because every time someone posts a thread like that, every suggestion of change of views or behavior encounters defensivness and rejection of any suggestion. It's "but I'm doing X already" "But I don't want to change Y" "But I have no control over Z".

 

Point is, you have NO control over other people's behavior. You have to look at yourself and see why you're getting such exceptionally bad yield in terms of #dates to a LTR. I am pretty darn sure that the problem lies with you and your approach and NOT with the losers.

 

Yes, I've met losers and yes, it's hard to find love online. But it's even harder if you don't learn anything from your own experience.

[CrystalShine2011]

Online dating does work...but you will find your crazy men on there. My suggestion is to keep an open mind and keep looking.

[BluEyeL]

As with your small sample of three losers, yeah, suggestion is drop them and keep looking, and that selection proves nothing much.

[central]

I understand your frustration, but I'm coming from a man's perspective. The more "together" your life is, the harder it will be to meet someone of similar maturity and accomplishment, who is also compatible and has similar goals and expectations.

 

 

Online dating did work for me. I had over 900 unique contacts with at least a few messages exchanged, over a two year period. The vast majority were not worth meeting, frankly, and most never even got close to having to make that decision. I think I met about 50 of the best who survived the online conversations. Of course, many of those didn't inspire any chemistry, or had some other issue that didn't appeal to me (or vice versa, of course). A dozen of the 50 were good enough to date a while, but only a few turned into any kind of short-term relationship. Two were potentially long term partners, but one stood out by far, and that's who I'm with 15 years later.

 

 

The best prospects had comparable values and attitudes (some may say beliefs), were of a compatible personality type (part of which is the same communication style, based on Myers-Briggs typing), were responsible and managed their lives within their means, had comparable hopes and goals in life, shared at least a few major interests and activities, and over time we genuinely liked and respected each other, and over time we learned we were very compatible sexually (chemistry, enthusiasm, range of acts, and the often overlooked issue of frequency).

[CarrieT]

But is it normal to meet THAT many losers (for lack of better word)?

Yes!

Gaeta, when I was doing the Online Thing, I was just like you; 300+ convos and 50+ "first dates" in 18 months.

 

It just takes perseverance and a thick skin.

 

Now regarding your three guys, is Prospect #2 just separated? That was confusing if he was already divorced and still settling accounts or still in the divorce process. I might have given him another chance.

 

And with Prospect #1, did you slam him down or offer a counter-suggestion? Again, it is all with the continual banter, I suppose...

[Gaeta]

I think that you, like many many (most, actually) others are looking just to vent here. You did meet more than 100 men an still didn't find love.

 

Yes I did find love one time. I was head over heels for him and he left the country after 6 months. I am capable of loving.

 

 

Given the numbers, I am personally positive that the problem stays with you and NOT with online dating, and all the men in your city. It doesn't make any sense.

 

I could point out some of the things you are probably doing wrong, and if I knew you, I could probably identify others, but there is no point. Because every time someone posts a thread like that, every suggestion of change of views or behavior encounters defensivness and rejection of any suggestion. It's "but I'm doing X already" "But I don't want to change Y" "But I have no control over Z".

 

Try me.

 

Point is, you have NO control over other people's behavior. You have to look at yourself and see why you're getting such exceptionally bad yield in terms of #dates to a LTR. I am pretty darn sure that the problem lies with you and your approach and NOT with the losers.

 

Yes, I've met losers and yes, it's hard to find love online. But it's even harder if you don't learn anything from your own experience.

 

Here is what people around me think.

 

As you know I am a white woman of French heritage. I mainly date outside my race. 99% of men I date are not born here so I always get from my family and friends start dating frenchmen and you will find. But, I like what I like and I don't like frenchmen.

[GemmaUK]

Oh dear!

 

 

I feel your pain!

 

 

That was how it was for me too on OLD much of the time.

I weeded them out before meeting them mostly though.

 

 

I took a bit more time to chat and would find out a little more before any first meet. Plus I never call a first meet a first date and I make that very very clear.

It meant I went on far less first meets but I would at least know not to waste my time when it really wasn't worth my time.

[mightycpa]

I got to meet 100 men in the past 3 years and I am still single...Please offer me some guidance.

 

I'll start out with "I don't really know", but here's what makes sense to me:

 

The good news is that you have likely moved past men who make the mistakes that men make with their first and second girlfriends.

 

I think though, that the problems you see are a symptom of getting older. If you view the dating pool as a population, then the most of the best guys (meaning the most suited to marriage) have been taken out of the dating pool through LTR and/or marriage. The worst of those have been returned through the dating pool via breakup and/or divorce. There are of course exceptions to these generalizations; you may very well find a gem out there, but on the whole, you're dating the second and third tier of men(again, in terms of being suitable for marriage). They are going to have their problems, and I suspect that most aren't interested in hiding them.

 

As you get older, it seems to me that the number of suitable men would decrease, because all single women experience what you're experiencing... and when they find a good one, they to their best to keep him, thus pulling them out of the dating pool. I'm sure there is some offset where men who were previously unsuitable wise up about whatever it is about them, and they change from frogs to princes, but how many would pretty much depend on the age range you're dealing with.

 

Anyway, I think you're dealing with the law of large numbers. I think that's what explains your findings.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think you might be going too fast without finding out that there is no point in even meeting a guy, that would have been 3 dates in 3 nights, I think maybe one or even all of them could have been nexted without even meeting or reaching the status of "prospect" in your mind!! My sister met her husband online, I know several others who have nice relationships from it, it is a valid way of meeting people but you might have to adjust something!!

[Gaeta]

Now regarding your three guys, is Prospect #2 just separated? That was confusing if he was already divorced and still settling accounts or still in the divorce process. I might have given him another chance.

 

And with Prospect #1, did you slam him down or offer a counter-suggestion? Again, it is all with the continual banter, I suppose...

 

#2: No the divorce is not finalized. They are only separated.

 

#1: I did not counter offer because just the fact he finds it proper to invite him selves over + suggest I cook for him indicates he is not into treating me like a lady. This man is highly educated, has an impressive career, he had impeccable manners when we met Friday, he knows best than to invite himself.

[TigerCub]

#2: No the divorce is not finalized. They are only separated.

 

#1: I did not counter offer because just the fact he finds it proper to invite him selves over + suggest I cook for him indicates he is not into treating me like a lady. This man is highly educated, has an impressive career, he had impeccable manners when we met Friday, he knows best than to invite himself.

 

Oyi...I totally get your frustration.

 

I met my fair share - never mind, I met way more than my fair share of losers - it's frustrating and exhausting!

 

I just have a question about the guy that invited himself over - If he was serious - then totally I agree, be done with him

but if texted you what he said, then what if it was a joke?

You say that you didn't counter offer, so did you just go silent? If so, then how do you know it wasn't a joke?

 

Text isn't a good indicator of humor, maybe he was kidding and was expecting you to reply with 'Dream on buddy, you gotta earn that - haha'

or something to that extent. Where he would offer a real date plan.

 

I dunno

[BluEyeL]

One thing you could do is to read the book "The Science of Happily Ever After" by Dr. Ty Tashiro. The book discusses the statistics of finding a suitable mate. It explains how the way you set up your requirements in a mate can make it either possible, OR mathematically impossible to find one.

 

Since, mathematically, you are on the very low yield end, you might find some ideas in there that applies to you, and you can identify these yourself because you know yourself, while we don't know you.

 

As for "try me", you already gave me one piece of what I was expecting: "but I like what I like". Herein lies the attitude problem. Being open to meeting a wide variety of men is one of the prerequisites for success.

[Maleficent]

#2: No the divorce is not finalized. They are only separated.

 

#1: I did not counter offer because just the fact he finds it proper to invite him selves over + suggest I cook for him indicates he is not into treating me like a lady. This man is highly educated, has an impressive career, he had impeccable manners when we met Friday, he knows best than to invite himself.

 

I personally wouldn't have been turned off by the fact he 'invites himself' to my place but more by the fact he asked me to cook for him.

 

I mean at least suggest a cooking date...where BOTH are cooking...

[Gaeta]

Oyi...I totally get your frustration.

 

I met my fair share - never mind, I met way more than my fair share of losers - it's frustrating and exhausting!

 

I just have a question about the guy that invited himself over - If he was serious - then totally I agree, be done with him

but if texted you what he said, then what if it was a joke?

You say that you didn't counter offer, so did you just go silent? If so, then how do you know it wasn't a joke?

 

Text isn't a good indicator of humor, maybe he was kidding and was expecting you to reply with 'Dream on buddy, you gotta earn that - haha'

or something to that extent. Where he would offer a real date plan.

 

I dunno

 

It was over the phone. He was not joking. He asked me if I like cooking, what I cooked, then he said he loves homemade cooking and he finishes early so I could cook him my specialty. I went: hhm hhm, I'm never home before 6 so I am not cooking on weeknights. He said ok we'll talk about it tomorrow.