Here is what I deal with, suggestions ! (Updated)

[insert_name]

I'd like to speak more to him but he's sick with the flu that is why he cancelled our last night 1st meeting date. He text once a day and he's keeping in touch and I like that. We won't meet till next weekend probably.

 

I am a bit suspicious and this only based on his looks, I am embarrassed to admit so. He body builds, he's impressive, you see self-confidence in each pictures and men like that approaching a woman with 'Good morning woman of my dreams'...eeeehhhh!you get the picture?

 

What makes me give him the benefit of the doubt is that he was married 22 years and raised 4 sons. He knows what is involved in long term and probably understand the meaning of commitment. He divorced 10 years ago (like me), he played the field, he got his fun, now he's ready to settled.

 

He's a frenchman, he's the last man in earth I want to date lol, I bet you he will sweep me off my feet and everyone will say TOLD YOU.

 

I dont blame you for being wary from the sound of it- I just dont think you can write someone off so early. At least meet and see how it goes. I do think a lot of decent men get screened out unnecessarily because its quite easy for women to do when online. Give this guy a chance and keep this thread updated.

 

I for one hope that he does surprise you- we need more tales on here of OLD guys who would initially have been rejected actually proving that they were worth the effort!

[elaine567]

Call me crazy, but I still see a difference between wanting to cook for the man I love and having a guy I'm seeing demand I cook for him...

 

I was being facetious.

[mammasita]

Guy #1 - blech....yeah ditch him

 

Guy #2 - for me, I wouldn't have wasted my time meeting him and gathered that info about his divorce status beforehand.

 

Guy #3 - he might just be goofy and playful, on the fence about him.

 

I agree with what I scanned in a previous reply.....vet these guys a little more before you waste your time meeting them. You could have taken guy #2 off the table and filled that slot with someone else.

 

And again to all the OLD naysayers.....there is nothing wrong with OLD. The fact is everyone is at your fingertips like moths surrounding a lightbulb making it much easier to notice the jerk conglomerate. Not to mention, next time you go out, look around - every face probably has an OLD profile.

 

.....and I met my BF of 1.5 years on *gasp* POF.

[BluEyeL]

I also think that the lower than normal yield has at least some of it's root into you dating younger men in an overwhelming proportion. Men like youth. Dating younger always puts you below their league automatically. Yeah, I know there are exceptions and relationships with younger men happen, but I really think this lowers your chances.

 

Also, you may not really want to have a relationship, deep down, and not even be conscious of this.

[Gaeta]

I also think that the lower than normal yield has at least some of it's root into you dating younger men in an overwhelming proportion. Men like youth. Dating younger always puts you below their league automatically. Yeah, I know there are exceptions and relationships with younger men happen, but I really think this lowers your chances.

 

Also, you may not really want to have a relationship, deep down, and not even be conscious of this.

 

 

I DO NOT go after younger men! Majority of messages I get are from men 36 to 43, I rarely get message from men my age. I want to meet a man my age! I am flattered I keep being told I don't look my age but I AM my age.

 

When I met prospect #1 Friday night he talked about how I don't look my age on my pictures and how I look even better in person. I told him: Thank you but I DO have my age even if I don't look it. He said there is no difference between a 39 yo woman and a 49 yo woman. To that I replied a 49 yo woman does not put up with bullsheet a 39 yo woman will. He got the proof of that yesterday.

[Toodaloo]

Agh Gaeta.. It will be ok in the end.

 

Have you tried getting friends and family to keep an eye out for you as well? I really do not like On line Dating at all and just think that perhaps if you broadened your methods out a bit then perhaps you may have more luck? Get everyone else looking out for you as well as On line.

[BlueIris]

I DO NOT go after younger men! Majority of messages I get are from men 36 to 43, I rarely get message from men my age. I want to meet a man my age!

 

Say “no” to anyone outside your preferred age range, and any and all other criteria you have. Don’t waste your time and his.

 

… You 2 have to understand that I have been doing for a long time. At first I gave chances and chances and it amounted to nothing. People kept telling me Gaeta stop giving chances to these creeps! When you come across 20 men that invited themselves over for a 2 date and it turned out they expected sex, and some of them I had to ask in a strong manner to leave my home, well now when I come across those I have no patience.

 

My suggestion is be MUCH MORE narrow, proactive, decisive. Be the picker. OLD didn’t work for me until I did that, trusted my insights and gut reactions, and became decisive. I met someone ONLY if they had traits that indicated a good fit and after we’d had a really good phone conversation first. I didn’t “give people a chance” or talk myself around my own ambivalence.

 

I also wouldn’t invite a man over or go to his house in the first month. The ones who want quick sex or only want sex disappear if you don’t have sex within the first month. I also don’t want people knowing where I live. I don’t even know them.

 

In your profile, put direct, clear detail about who you are, especially the things that many men reject. (My politics, education, career are all unappealing to many men, so they were the first things I stated. Also, I read a lot and watch crap TV- so I put it right out there.) That narrows the pool immediately. Use clear and current face and full body pics, some fancy or at your prettiest, some in jeans and glasses or the like. (I didn’t want someone who was going to reject me for how I really look- and I’m not dressing up for the rest of my life.) Talk on the phone first and ask open-ended questions likely to reveal his agenda, how well he converses, and how he thinks and feels about things like politics, social issues, family, relationships, his role in relationships- whatever is important to you. The purpose is to cut and narrow the field. Listen to how he talks, whether he’s candid or guarded, trying to give you a sales pitch or trying to find a good fit himself, how he communicates or doesn’t. Respect your gut reactions. I found this worked much better in trying to find that one man for a lifetime relationship.

 

One other thing- don’t let anyone intimidate you. Lots of the OLD guys say things like, “oh, are you paranoid?” “I can’t know if we’re compatible until we have sex” and “You have to give people a chance.” Pffft to all of that. Eliminate anyone who tries to talk you into things. That requires that you be decisive, clear and direct- not mean, just gently firm and honest. LOTS of them disappear on that basis alone.

 

Maybe it's worth a try. Otherwise, OLD can just suck the life out of you.

[Gaeta]

BlueIris: Thank you for your wise advice.

 

I do meet them very quickly, too quickly. Prospect #1 I think we met 24 hours after online contact. I got my profile on Thursday and in a few hours I had a date for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

 

I am in the habit of meeting fast because there is always a chance these men aren't like on their pictures. I also want to avoid creating expectation by chatting with them for a week.

 

But I am open to change my routine.

[BluEyeL]

I'm not trying to put you down, just trying to help you see that you may do something that can be changed, because just putting it on all the men will not take you anywhere in dating. usually we have to put it on us. Tweak what we're doing, we can't possibly tweak what THEY're doing.

 

I believe you when you say that you look 10 years younger and men tell you so, but I do not believe you when you say that, without you tweaking anything in your profile to make that happen, men your age or older do not message you. Unless you put the age bracket low on your profile, or you didn't list your real age. It's simply impossible!! I really think that while you may like younger men and don't want to deal with the possible ailments of a 55 yo, dating younger automatically lowers your yield, like I explained above. You may want to think about it and get over the youth thing, because in the end, it really doesn't matter, if you find a healthy 50 yo, you'll be just as happy or happier than with a 41 yo.

 

I could bet my savings that there is something that you don't say. Which is fine, you don't have to, but take into account that the age group you're dating into may play a factor into all of this situation. And again, maybe you really do not want

 

I mean, I don't look 10 years younger indeed, but I stated my preferred age into my profile when I was dating and I wasn't messaged by men outside my preferred age, but for the occasional 27yo who wanted a MILF or a 60 yo messaging me for the heck of it. Most men that messaged me were from my preferred age range, i.e. my age or 3 years younger or up to 10 years older because that's what I listed. I have a son full time, who is not an adult like your daughter, and I still had better luck than you state, and better men, even before I found my BF. Something's got to give.

[GemmaUK]

I am so glad to hear you chose not to persue #1.

What an idiot!

You need a counter act to say when a guy is like that or just ignore and delete. None of us deserve lack of respect like that. That is what it is.

 

 

#2, no persuing to be done.

 

 

#3, see how it goes. He is only texting once a day which is not OTT.

What he is saying is OTT but he may just be kidding around.

You haven't even met yet so you are not his dream woman at this stage.

See how you get on.

Listen to your instinct though. If in doubt the best response is the least words.

[BlueIris]

BlueIris: Thank you for your wise advice.

 

I do meet them very quickly, too quickly. Prospect #1 I think we met 24 hours after online contact. I got my profile on Thursday and in a few hours I had a date for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

 

I am in the habit of meeting fast because there is always a chance these men aren't like on their pictures. I also want to avoid creating expectation by chatting with them for a week.

 

But I am open to change my routine.

 

I hear you on the picture/reality schism. There were far more men who I just didn't click with and enjoy at a conversational level than at a physical level, so I put conversation at the top. Sometimes I'd even think, well crap and he was so cute and good on paper. But still, move on. The right one is out there.

 

I wouldn't worry about creating expectations, in them or yourself. The more serious men I met, serious about finding a good personality fit and a life partner, didn't mind a phone conversation or two first and they asked me plenty of questions too. (Some did not like me at all! Good to know. )

 

See if it works. I'd be interested.

[Gaeta]

 

...but I do not believe you when you say that, without you tweaking anything in your profile to make that happen, men your age or older do not message you. Unless you put the age bracket low on your profile, or you didn't list your real age. It's simply impossible!!

 

I had my profile reviewed, we tweaked a few things and I was given A1 for being positive, up beat, clear in what I am looking for, and no room for misinterpretation. I have 3 pictures, 1 I am sitting in my office chair hips up, 1 I am with my dog and it's like a selfie shoulders up, and a 3rd one I am elbows up. I don't wear make up, I don't show skins. I was suggested by one of the reviewer I put a picture up where I am all made-up with make-up and I've refused, I got enough bad attention as it is.

 

I really think that while you may like younger men and don't want to deal with the possible ailments of a 55 yo, dating younger automatically lowers your yield, like I explained above. You may want to think about it and get over the youth thing,

I did mention I want to meet a man my age. Prospect #3 is 48 years old, prospect #2 was 50.

 

I could bet my savings that there is something that you don't say.

Like what? I got a small waist and big boobs DD and shappy hips. Because of that I get the wrong attention, and men my age don't message me cause they think they'll be wasting their time cause I must get a lot of attention.

 

I got a few messages on paying site this morning 27 yo, 36 yo, 33 yo. Of course I don't reply to them. These messages always start with 'I think you're hot and I love older women'.

 

My daughter, lets call her V, was bartending through her University. I used to drop her off at 6 pm and get a bite with her. Well, bouncers there started a fan club. The fan club was named V's mom is hot. It got to the point my daughter got extremely upset for constantly hearing sexual innuendos toward her mother. Her room-mate 24 year old asked her if he could date me!!! I had ex employees contacting me online to tell me how they fantasized about me during work, sending me pictures of their d7ck!!

 

I am NOT telling you this to brag, not at all, it's a burden more than anything else!! to constantly being looked at as a sex object.

 

I can't wait for a man to see the great woman behind the big boobs.

 

Oufff! felt good letting it out !!

[Weezy1973]

Gaeta - your picker is off. Thread after thread has established this.

 

People do not have any problems getting into relationships - the vast majority of people are in them.

 

Why do you have such problems?

[Gaeta]

Gaeta - your picker is off. Thread after thread has established this.

 

People do not have any problems getting into relationships - the vast majority of people are in them.

 

Why do you have such problems?

 

50% of adults are in relationships, but I don't want a relationship just for the sake of being in one, I want a good and fulfilling relationship. I want to be with someone I am excited about, someone compatible and if I don't find well being single will do because there is no way I will be in a unsatisfying relationship just so I am not alone.

[Weezy1973]

50% of adults are in relationships, but I don't want a relationship just for the sake of being in one, I want a good and fulfilling relationship. I want to be with someone I am excited about, someone compatible and if I don't find well being single will do because there is no way I will be in a unsatisfying relationship just so I am not alone.

 

More than 50% of adults are married (in North America). More than 80% of adults are in relationships. Of the remaining 20% we can safely assume that a portion of those aren't looking to be in a relationship. If you're an adult, and want to be in a relationship, you should be able to find one fairly easily. If most people can do something, it can't be that hard.

 

Why is it hard for you?

[Gaeta]

More than 50% of adults are married (in North America). More than 80% of adults are in relationships. Of the remaining 20% we can safely assume that a portion of those aren't looking to be in a relationship. If you're an adult, and want to be in a relationship, you should be able to find one fairly easily. If most people can do something, it can't be that hard.

 

Why is it hard for you?

 

I don't care about North America, I live in Canada, Province of Quebec and here, last survey 2014, 50% of adult population is single and living alone. Put it on our extra-liberal society, women higher education and sexual liberation.

 

It's hard because I don't have patience for BS.

[Weezy1973]

I don't care about North America, I live in Canada, Province of Quebec and here, last survey 2014, 50% of adult population is single and living alone. Put it on our extra-liberal society, women higher education and sexual liberation.

 

It's hard because I don't have patience for BS.

 

They are only referring to people that aren't married in those stats. That's what they mean by "single". They don't count people that are in relationships but not married.

[TouchedByViolet]

Those three guys are not good. Having said that if you are regularly meeting men and going on dates clearly you are desirable. I know for a fact that their are lots of great men out there. The numbers game should work for you eventually.... if it doesn't you are picking bad men. Or maybe you need a super unique type of guy.

[Gaeta]

If I keep knocking at doors eventually one will open.

 

I already made new contacts. The show must go on.

[Mangina]

Prospect 3 sounds like he could have had been joking while trying to be cute. Were there any emoticons?

[Gaeta]

Prospect 3 sounds like he could have had been joking while trying to be cute. Were there any emoticons?

 

Yes he uses smiles and winks when he says that. I will meet him, probably over the weekend, he should feel better by then.

[Dybbuk]

@Gaeta: I felt your pain! In 6 months I easily met 20 guys... I can easily see how 3 years can go well over 100 prospects. Reading your evaluation of your three suitors made me laugh because I can relate...painfully.

 

I don't know what to say except you do have to keep trudging forward. I know that it's probably not a comforting thought, but honestly I think that sometimes luck does also play a part in this whole equation as well. After all, I know from experience you can't really 'tell' what a guy is after until you meet him. So there is no way to really predict what will happen when you start emailing back and forth with new people. It ends up becoming a game of chance and somehow, some way you'll meet the person right for you. The only things I can say...

 

1. Keep your standards high! Guys that invite themselves over prematurely, men who haven't prioritized their divorce before dating, and men who automatically put you on a pedestal before getting to know you in the hopes of wooing you to do the same are avoided for good reason. It's disappointing yes, but better to weed that crap out asap. For some reason after extended periods of OLD, people start doing the "Am I being too picky?"... but you're not! You're smart enough to not settle for BS, and there's a loooot of BS out there.

 

2. Take solace in the fact you can keep getting dates. Just think... it could be worse. You could be having crappy luck and still only score 1-2 dates in months. Not the best silver lining, but after a crappy date with a dude I always tried to remind myself that at the very least I knew I could try again with someone new.

 

3. Chance/luck/fate whatever you want to call it... I honestly believe it plays a role in our meeting of people. As you have learned many times, you can only learn so much using an OLD profile... so you have to constantly take chances on people only to find out they're not compatible. Keep taking those chances, and remember those failures will make it easier to spot the real deal. It will happen one day!

[Gaeta]

@Gaeta: I felt your pain! In 6 months I easily met 20 guys... I can easily see how 3 years can go well over 100 prospects. Reading your evaluation of your three suitors made me laugh because I can relate...painfully.

 

I don't know what to say except you do have to keep trudging forward. I know that it's probably not a comforting thought, but honestly I think that sometimes luck does also play a part in this whole equation as well. After all, I know from experience you can't really 'tell' what a guy is after until you meet him. So there is no way to really predict what will happen when you start emailing back and forth with new people. It ends up becoming a game of chance and somehow, some way you'll meet the person right for you. The only things I can say...

 

1. Keep your standards high! Guys that invite themselves over prematurely, men who haven't prioritized their divorce before dating, and men who automatically put you on a pedestal before getting to know you in the hopes of wooing you to do the same are avoided for good reason. It's disappointing yes, but better to weed that crap out asap. For some reason after extended periods of OLD, people start doing the "Am I being too picky?"... but you're not! You're smart enough to not settle for BS, and there's a loooot of BS out there.

 

2. Take solace in the fact you can keep getting dates. Just think... it could be worse. You could be having crappy luck and still only score 1-2 dates in months. Not the best silver lining, but after a crappy date with a dude I always tried to remind myself that at the very least I knew I could try again with someone new.

 

3. Chance/luck/fate whatever you want to call it... I honestly believe it plays a role in our meeting of people. As you have learned many times, you can only learn so much using an OLD profile... so you have to constantly take chances on people only to find out they're not compatible. Keep taking those chances, and remember those failures will make it easier to spot the real deal. It will happen one day!

 

Thank you! That was very encouraging

[trippi1432]

I can't wait for a man to see the great woman behind the big boobs.

 

Oufff! felt good letting it out !!

 

Right there, I totally get that.

 

I could give you my stories of OLD, and it really doesn't matter if you text them for 3 weeks, talk on the phone for a month and then finally go on the first date, the guy can still be a nut-case (just caught one from a paid site stalking my profile on LinkedIn back in December....one date over 2 years ago and was proposing marriage before the first date....).

 

Gaeta - reading your thread, I don't feel like you are doing anything wrong. You need to have boundaries and respect yourself. The right guy will respect you for that. I see nowhere that you need to lower your expectations.

 

If nothing else, I would suggest you become more selective and only meet the guys who do fit your criteria. DEFINE your criteria wisely.....and from what I have seen on your thread here of Prospect 1 through 3, you did a good job. Been in your shoes and given too many men chances by lowering my standards. When your own father asks you why you don't up your game and quit dating men beneath you...time to listen to your dad in my case.

[Robert Z]

As I read this thread, all that I can think is, WOW! It sounds like you are buying a car. I understand that online dating sucks but I was shocked at how quickly you discard men. Well, not shocked because I see this attitude here all the time, but exasperated.

 

 

How sad that love has to fit a check list. One little slip that violates your expectations and he's out the door. Maybe the guy who is still divorcing was [could have been] the greatest love of your life and you didn't even give him a chance. Maybe he moved on long ago and is ready to start a new life.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Robert Z