Here is what I deal with, suggestions ! (Updated)

[guest569]

50% of adults are in relationships, but I don't want a relationship just for the sake of being in one, I want a good and fulfilling relationship. I want to be with someone I am excited about, someone compatible and if I don't find well being single will do because there is no way I will be in a unsatisfying relationship just so I am not alone.

 

Perfect,you dont have to justify yourself. I'm in the same boat, happy to be alone rather than miserable in a partnership.

[guest569]

I think guy #3 sounds creepy though, i mean its not funny to say that, it's just weird. Oh well, give him a go but I would be interested to know what his social skills are like.

[Robert Z]

I think guy #3 sounds creepy though, i mean its not funny to say that, it's just weird. Oh well, give him a go but I would be interested to know what his social skills are like.

 

 

I think it would be reasonable to give the guy a chance. Maybe he was just trying too hard. Maybe he's just not good at the whole texting and email thing and doesn't know what to say. Maybe he just meant to be playful... Can a person really form an opinion based on a few emails? You can't really interpret emails and text message without knowing anything about the person sending them. It is at best a pinhole glimpse into a person's personality.

 

To me, this is a glaring example of judging someone based on almost no information.

 

 

And more generally, one has to wonder how badly a person really wants to find someone when potential candidates are so easily rejected.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Robert Z

[guest569]

I wouldn't call it "playful" if it were the case we would clearly be incompatible! Its a scary and off thing to say.

[Robert Z]

I wouldn't call it "playful" if it were the case we would clearly be incompatible! Its a scary and off thing to say.

 

Clearly? Really.

 

You know nothing about the man. Frankly, to judge him based on this alone verges on delusional behavior. It might have been intended as an innocent joke. It could be completely out of character for him in person.

 

 

I once made an off joke on a first date. Later I was told that she almost got up and left... she was a heartbeat away from leaving. Eventually she became my fiancée.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Robert Z

[Dybbuk]

@Robert Z: I don't think Gaeta has anything against dating a divorced man, but a man who is still legally married and starting to date around sends up HUGE red flags. I've seen men/women lured into relationships with people who have been 'separated for a long time, and are just waiting to finalize things' only to find themselves years down the line still involved with someone who keeps coming up with excuses as to why they can't leave. Divorce is messy, complicated, expensive, and sometimes emotionally draining if it's a bad one. If he's ready to start a new life, he needs to prioritize his divorce so he can start with someone new on a fresh clean slate. Not drag a brand new person through all his drama to begin with.

 

To me a laundry list is compiled of superficial characteristics that create a really narrow dating pool like: Must make $$$$ a year/ Must be at least 6'4/ Must have dark hair, light eyes./ etc etc. Wanting someone to be 100% single/no married men... doesn't go on a laundry list. That is a flat out dealbreaker.

 

As for guy 3, he is trying too hard. I wouldn't call him creepy, but having been on the receiving end of 'talk' like that, in my experience it has never been just a joke. The reality is some men are so desperate they will say every outrageous line in the book in the hopes that you'll believe it and want them in return. On the same token, despite my better judgement I've given guys like that chances.

 

One dude I had to tell him on our SECOND date he was laying it on too thick. Asked him to slow down so we could get to know each other but instead I heard, "My heart is ready to take a chance on this, you're the one I've been searching for." Two dates isn't enough to be saying crap like that. Text/email conversation isn't enough to tell someone they're the person of your dreams. You put a enormous amount of pressure on the other person during the courtship, and you feel like things are out of control before they even started. Needless to say all that talk put me off and I told the guy I wasn't ready for what he was ready for, and I got a 8 texts the next morning telling me about how he could have made me the happiest woman in the world and I was making the hugest mistake of my life.

 

I'm like Gaeta. I'm pretty strict and threw guys out left and right. Out of 20 guys... only 3 of them made it past a 3rd date. Most of them axed by the second, if not first. I finally found someone who I fell in love with way down the line, and no he didn't meet this impossible laundry list. He simply took his time, didn't rush the courtship/sex, was sincere, got to know me and vice versa, and had his ex finance baggage taken care of by the time I showed up. Those aren't impossible hoops to jump through, they're called standards.

[guest569]

Clearly? Really.

 

You know nothing about the man. Frankly, to judge him based on this alone verges on delusional behavior. It might have been intended as an innocent joke. It could be completely out of character for him in person.

 

 

I once made an off joke on a first date. Later I was told that she almost got up and left... she was a heartbeat away from leaving. Eventually she became my fiancée.

 

Delusional, really?

 

Haha... I dont know why you are making excuses for him. Yes, clearly to me, I would be incompatible with someone who says things that are too serious or full on "man of my dreams" without having met me.

[Gaeta]

Robert Z: No I don't know anything about the man but experience has thought me a few things. When a man says things like this before meeting then he tend to go overboard when you meet.

 

I had a man like this show up at my office with flowers after a 1st date, the scary part is I had never told him where my office was or my last name, he was a computer tech and he hacked me to get the info. One of those men too eager ended up keeping me in his car against my will for 40 mins. He gave me the scare of my life.

 

I'm careful now.

[stillmind]

Good luck with #3! I think it may have been an innocent flirty/joking message. It's hard to read tone online, and I have definitely said some foot-in-mouth things before that came off wrong because they were in text!

 

I tend to like bodybuilding types myself. The younger ones can be jerks but the older bodybuilding men I've met tend to be very friendly, positive people.

[Frank2thepoint]

People always frown when I tell them I met 100 + men and nothing has materialized for me!

 

But is it normal to meet THAT many losers (for lack of better word)? It's full of people around me that have met normal men online and are in happy relationships.

 

Your "people picker" is way off. You choose these men. There is something about your OLD profile, your subconscious, your behavior that you are attracted to such men. It's something similar to how there are women that go crazy for men that wear baseball caps. Now if the number was low, like under 20, then I would say you just have some bad luck. But meeting over a 100 men, and still encounter "losers" means you are doing something seriously wrong.

 

At some point I told myself OK, be open minded and invite them over, and I did, and most of the time they expected to get into bed.

 

Their faces, when I tell them it's time for you to leave, is priceless but that does not give me a bf.

 

Now here's something that raises an eyebrow. There's some details that are missing, but I am taking a shot in the dark, and I think you somehow seduce these men, without knowing it. There are women that are overly flirtatious, and they honestly are not aware of it. Maybe this is something you do, which sends mixed signals.

 

 

More than 50% of adults are married (in North America). More than 80% of adults are in relationships. Of the remaining 20% we can safely assume that a portion of those aren't looking to be in a relationship. If you're an adult, and want to be in a relationship, you should be able to find one fairly easily. If most people can do something, it can't be that hard.

 

Concerning the boldface, if you don't care about quality, then getting into a relationship is really easy. Finding someone of quality is actually a bit challenging.

 

 

I don't care about North America, I live in Canada, Province of Quebec

 

Just for sh*ts and giggles, Canada is part of North America.

[Gaeta]

Now here's something that raises an eyebrow. There's some details that are missing, but I am taking a shot in the dark, and I think you somehow seduce these men, without knowing it. There are women that are overly flirtatious, and they honestly are not aware of it. Maybe this is something you do, which sends mixed signals.

 

Yes I am a big flirt, I admit it. I don't do or say anything trashy, but I was told often and even last night when I was speaking to a new prospect, he told me I don't do or say anything specific but I give out a sensual and sexy vibe.

 

It's my personality, do I need to change my personality?

 

 

Just for sh*ts and giggles, Canada is part of North America.

 

haha, I know silly but they don't call my province (Quebec) a distinct society for nothing. We live by a different set of values.

[Frank2thepoint]

Yes I am a big flirt, I admit it. I don't do or say anything trashy, but I was told often and even last night when I was speaking to a new prospect, he told me I don't do or say anything specific but I give out a sensual and sexy vibe.

 

It's my personality, do I need to change my personality?

 

If you admit being a flirt, then men pick up on this during the date, and it explains why one wanted invite himself over (which he expected sex). It also explains why meat-head (prospect #3) told you to look no further, because he is your man of your dreams. What I'm getting it as is, when a woman flirts back, a man keeps pushing the boundaries foreplay to see how far he can get, depending on his motives. Obviously some men just want sex, but some want sex and a relationship.

 

You do need to tweak your personality. Don't flirt too much.

 

haha, I know silly but they don't call my province (Quebec) a distinct society for nothing. We live by a different set of values.

 

Yes I've heard. You Quebecers wanted to (maybe still want to) even split from Canada. That's just like Texans in America. Those cowboys think they are better off from being in the Union.

[Kamille]

I'm familiar with the Quebec dating scene (and love it).

 

I don't find it odd that you get approached by a lot of younger men. I do too and I just ignore it. The way I see it, they have nothing to lose. They seem to assume older women are easier, will be into casual sex, will be less drama.

 

I notice that when you were asked about your profile by BlueyeL, you listed mostly superficial qualities: age range and your pictures. What about the written content of your profile? Perhaps that could be tweaked so that you get matches who want to get to know you for you? Matches who will see that you are looking for a serious relationship?

 

More compatible matches are likely fewer and far between because they will pay more attention to other types of compatibility than looks and a breezy personality. And that's likely what you need to strengthen in the way you present yourself both on-line and in person. Basically, as a woman looking for a serious relationship, you want to diminish the traffic that comes to your profile. You want to specialize it. You say you got an A1 on being upbeat. Yeah, so what? After first trying to have an upbeat profile (which drew attention), I decided to present my personality as close as possible to who I am. I tell them I like political reflections, that I need time alone, that my job comes first. I get less traffic but the dates are better matches.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Clearly? Really.

 

You know nothing about the man. Frankly, to judge him based on this alone verges on delusional behavior. It might have been intended as an innocent joke. It could be completely out of character for him in person.

 

No no no, when you are looking for a partner it is right to pay attention to things that seem off to you, not delusional at all!!

[BlueIris]

I think it would be reasonable to give the guy a chance. Maybe he was just trying too hard. Maybe he's just not good at the whole texting and email thing and doesn't know what to say. Maybe he just meant to be playful... Can a person really form an opinion based on a few emails? You can't really interpret emails and text message without knowing anything about the person sending them. It is at best a pinhole glimpse into a person's personality.

 

To me, this is a glaring example of judging someone based on almost no information.

 

And more generally, one has to wonder how badly a person really wants to find someone when potential candidates are so easily rejected.

 

Yes, people judge and assess on almost no information. Everyone does in OLD. That’s how it works. For everyone. Men and women alike. I’m sure that there are many people who wish that someone would give them a chance.

 

The solution is to give lots of information, not to complain that someone judged or assessed on the little information given or limited communications by text, which do not convey nuance and humor well.

 

Frankly, there isn’t time (or money or energy) to give everyone a chance.

 

Clearly? Really.

 

You know nothing about the man. Frankly, to judge him based on this alone verges on delusional behavior. It might have been intended as an innocent joke. It could be completely out of character for him in person.

 

To me, this is reason enough not to give someone a chance. I bet that if he had a heavy-content profile that displayed wry humor or the type of humor that might be at issue here, this wouldn’t be the ONLY information to assess him on.

 

Meeting everyone who MIGHT be ok or compatible based upon a tiny bit of information is impossible. You might as well go to the mall or Soldier Field and accept every invitation to find out, somewhere down the road, what their personalities and circumstances are.

[BluEyeL]

I believe everything you say about the fact that you look 10 years younger, you get approached a lot, men think you're sexy and all that. I really do. But what I'm reading is that you're getting a lot of sexual, instead of serious, attention. Besides having movie star looks, which I believe you have and I cast no doubt over that, I really think that you could change something in the way you present yourself to attract men your age and a bit older and men that are relationship minded.

 

I also don't know what sites do you use. I was getting a lot of attention from younger men when I was on OKC. But it was sexual attention. I even met one 10 years younger man 3 times. I only stayed on OKC for 3 days though, because of all the sexual content of messages. I stuck with Match.

 

On match, the way I wrote my profile (like Kamille suggested) gave me different results. Definitely, changes to my profile attracted a different type of man. I worked with it, changed it several times, until fell on one version that brought me fewer, but more quality men. In any case, I am 100% sure the problem lays with something that has to do with you. A gorgeous, youthful, stable woman like you shouldn't have as many problems landing a relationship. If you can't be objective, why don't you ask for someone's (not an online forum) specific advice? Maybe even a dating coach, if you can afford it. They can work with you to improve the presentation and orient your skills in the right direction.

[Gaeta]

I'm familiar with the Quebec dating scene (and love it).

It's a great place I love it too but challenging if looking for something serious.

 

I notice that when you were asked about your profile by BlueyeL, you listed mostly superficial qualities: age range and your pictures. What about the written content of your profile? Perhaps that could be tweaked so that you get matches who want to get to know you for you? Matches who will see that you are looking for a serious relationship?

 

My written profile has 4 paragraphs. I present myself, I talk about my favorite activities, I say that family is important to me, I mention my cultural background, and I finish with describing what type of man and relationship I am looking for.

 

You say you got an A1 on being upbeat. Yeah, so what? After first trying to have an upbeat profile (which drew attention), I decided to present my personality as close as possible to who I am. I tell them I like political reflections, that I need time alone, that my job comes first. I get less traffic but the dates are better matches.

 

I got an A1 on my written profile for being clear and not letting any opening for anything else than a serious relationship. I still get messages from kids, married men, couples.

[Gaeta]

Sometimes what I have done is I don't put pictures in my profile and when I see an interesting man I message him and I enclose my pictures in my first message.

[Kamille]

 

 

I got an A1 on my written profile for being clear and not letting any opening for anything else than a serious relationship. I still get messages from kids, married men, couples.

 

Let me put it this way. I'm cute and average looking. When actively on-line dating, I probably get 10 messages a day. 9 of those are not men I would consider dating for various reasons. 1 of them is likely to be from a guy with whom I see potential. So, I take 10% of my inbox seriously and only date those guys. Of those guys I've dated (something like 10), only two struck me as people I could potentially date long term. So, if I receive 100 messages, I feel I am compatible with only 2 of those guys. (So I have a 2% yield.)

 

If you are a stunner, I imagine the stats must be even more skewed. You probably get the same amount of serious messages a day as I do (1) but more messages from guys who are only acting on impulse because you're hawt. So, the trick is to figure out the one message a day you should take seriously. What do you think his profile reads like?

 

Finally, I'm not sure whether you contact guys yourself. I've started doing so on the advice of a friend and that has also greatly increased the quality of the dates.

 

Final note, many of my Quebec friends are reporting that the dating scene is currently polyamorous. I can see how that would increase the challenge. Personally, I would consider having fun with it - but I am assuming that is not your scene.

[Gaeta]

Finally, I'm not sure whether you contact guys yourself. I've started doing so on the advice of a friend and that has also greatly increased the quality of the dates.

Yes I do contact men. Maybe not at the rate they contact me but I have no problem initiating contact. I have noticed that when I am the one contacting them their interest isn't as strong as men contacting me.

 

Final note, many of my Quebec friends are reporting that the dating scene is currently polyamorous. I can see how that would increase the challenge. Personally, I would consider having fun with it - but I am assuming that is not your scene.

 

I am happy someone understands my market !! When I say I live in a very liberal place I am not sure people grasps the full meaning of it.

 

I'll consider a polyamorous relationship 1 female 2 males lol

[Haydn]

Yes I do contact men. Maybe not at the rate they contact me but I have no problem initiating contact. I have noticed that when I am the one contacting them their interest isn't as strong as men contacting me.

 

 

 

I am happy someone understands my market !! When I say I live in a very liberal place I am not sure people grasps the full meaning of it.

 

I'll consider a polyamorous relationship 1 female 2 males lol

 

Pick you up at 8.

[Gaeta]

Sorry Haydn I got a date tonight

 

So prospect #3 set up a date for tonight 7h30. He said he is not 100% back on his feel from his cold but he does not want to delay meeting me any longer. + 1 point for him.

[Toodaloo]

Pick you up at 8.

 

I'm free!

 

But I have PMT today so you may not come out of it alive...

[Toodaloo]

Yes I do contact men. Maybe not at the rate they contact me but I have no problem initiating contact. I have noticed that when I am the one contacting them their interest isn't as strong as men contacting me.

 

I am going to count up all the messages etc I have sent from my on line dating account and do some sats... I think it would make interesting reading for some of the guys here who think we have men dribbling over us all the time.

[Toodaloo]

Some sats for you.

 

Over the past 3 months

 

I have sent 23 messages to men (I approach them first, mostly after they have looked at my profile, about 3 or 4 randomly after finding them)

4 responded

1 the standard "I don't think we are a match" message that they offer when you don't want to say it yourself

1 had another woman accept a date before I sent the message and didn't want to multiple date women

1 stand up

1 just stopped sending messages

7 haven't read the messages

 

Men have sent 2 to me (them approaching me)

One was stupid and didn't know the difference between a sale and a purchase

One was great actually, probably not a match but seemed a good guy, but then let slip that he didn't want to do anything with me but did want to take pictures...

 

1 chap has added me to his "likes" no messages have been exchanged... I don't really get how he can like me with out talking to me so can only assume he is adding me to a list to work his way through...

 

I know I should try harder but really if they can't be bothered why the heck should I???

 

Off line

 

There have been several misunderstandings after flirtatious banter with gay men. I have been asked out by many men younger than my step/ foster children (I am not picky but pubic hair would be good), I have been asked out by men who are shortly for the grave, and one who was 7ft tall and behaved like Owen from the Vicar of Dibley. Oh and several married men/ men in long term relationships.

 

Lots of men look, lots of men run away... Its getting embarrassing. I used to think I had my skirt tucked into my knickers or spinach on my teeth... Now I pay no notice and carry on.