Here is what I deal with, suggestions ! (Updated)

[GemmaUK]

I'm so sorry that happened to you with #3 but it's better than being strung along. That is how I would look at it. I would be curious to know what vibe he said there was, not for the fact I would want to date him but because I am interested in what vibes people give off including me.

 

 

We are not far off the same age you and me. I work as an accountant, have my own place and I also do the 'put together' look. I also do that with jeans and with combats too.

I was out for a work night out last night and a few of the ladies there (their age ranges were 22 up to 34) and I got chatting. They all thought I was in a long term relationship and were surprised when I said I wasn't and also each of them were stunned looking when I told them my age and that I am coming up 46. They all responded to say they thought I was about 35.

Whenever someone guesses my age I add back on an extra 5 years for them hedging and being polite.

Myself, I just think I look pretty good for my age.

The thing is though that I am my age.

 

 

If you have read some of my posts on here you'll know I got with a guy a couple of years ago who turned out to be (at the least) very controlling and needy.

I hadn't experienced someone like this before and I brushed off initial flags thinking he was joking by some of the things he said and did.

I've since learned an awful lot and there are some things that when I get an instinct I will always follow through with it (some I always have) and some I have now learned to not brush off.

My picker is slicker now than it ever was.

If that makes me a perfectionist then I don't care. It keeps me out of relationship trouble.

 

 

One question I have is do you tell any of these guys how many dates you have been on? I know you do on here but the guys you date have no need to know numbers.

 

 

I'm going back through your prospects, the first 3 and the new two and tell you what exactly I think of each first impression and what I would do.

 

 

 

 

Prospect 1: We met Friday evening. He is A1 and we had a great date. At the end of our date he gave me a bunch of compliments and told me he'd love to see me again and I said I'd love to. The following morning he sent me a text saying: I can't wait to see you again. Which was super sweet. Last night he called me and asked if I was free tonight. I said yes, he then invited himself over to my place (sigh of disappointment). Not only he invited himself to my place but he suggested I cook for him because he loves home-made food.

 

 

This is the point I would have halted communication. I may or may not have told him why.

I would also be reading back through mails and texts for anything else that was dubious or just a bit off.

 

Prospect 2: We met Saturday evening. We had a great time!! In terms of having fun he surpassed many of the men I met. He put in his profile he is looking for love etc. During our date I learned he is 9 months out of a 22 year marriage (sigh of disappointment). Nothing is settled, the house is not sold, his ex does not work, he pays his mortgage and his apartment.

I again would have halted this as soon as I found out his situation.

And I did see your update on this guy. I wouldn't have communicated further after the date other than saying I had a good time but that we're not a match.

 

Prospect 3: We have not met yet. He cancelled our last night date because he got a cold. So far I liked him very much I was really looking forward to meet him. He saw me online at 5h last night. He sent me a message saying: You don't need to search anymore!! You won't found anyone better than me!!!, this morning he sent me a text: Good morning woman of my dreams! (sigh of disappointment)

 

 

He would have been a no go right from the 'you don't need to search anymore'

 

So, the 3 of them are a no-go.

Yes!

But, you continued communication with each one after brushing off your instincts.

 

 

Follow through with your instincts and for one thing it then gives you time to get to know someone else who could be the one for you.

Analysing or 'giving a break' to any of the above men is going to end in disappointment. It did.

You could have had a much more fun and relaxed week with less angst if yu had listened to those instincts and based your actions upon them.

 

 

1. He is 45, we had 2 phone conversations and he's making way too many sexual innuendos I don't like it.

Stop contact now. He has no need to know why.

I would have stopped at the first innuendo.

I don't go down that route with someone I have never met face to face simply for the reason that I am not going to give a man and impression that I'll get physical when I meet them.

I've met a couple of guys who assumed getting physical was the next step after I had said I wasn't interested in dating them.

 

2. He is 40, do I discard him automatically?

No, but I would be curious as to why he was choosing me if he is that much younger.

I would also ask about his situation but chat normally and watch out for anything that makes me think 'Huh?'

[LookAtThisPOst]

That is counter-productive when you want to meet someone. Latest survey in my city 75% of singles use online.

 

Try to get out to real life social events. Sign up for real life Meetup events instead. That way you get to know the person organically.

[Gaeta]

I'm so sorry that happened to you with #3 but it's better than being strung along. That is how I would look at it. I would be curious to know what vibe he said there was, not for the fact I would want to date him but because I am interested in what vibes people give off including me.

 

 

We are not far off the same age you and me. I work as an accountant, have my own place and I also do the 'put together' look. I also do that with jeans and with combats too.

I was out for a work night out last night and a few of the ladies there (their age ranges were 22 up to 34) and I got chatting. They all thought I was in a long term relationship and were surprised when I said I wasn't and also each of them were stunned looking when I told them my age and that I am coming up 46. They all responded to say they thought I was about 35.

Whenever someone guesses my age I add back on an extra 5 years for them hedging and being polite.

Myself, I just think I look pretty good for my age.

The thing is though that I am my age.

 

 

If you have read some of my posts on here you'll know I got with a guy a couple of years ago who turned out to be (at the least) very controlling and needy.

I hadn't experienced someone like this before and I brushed off initial flags thinking he was joking by some of the things he said and did.

I've since learned an awful lot and there are some things that when I get an instinct I will always follow through with it (some I always have) and some I have now learned to not brush off.

My picker is slicker now than it ever was.

If that makes me a perfectionist then I don't care. It keeps me out of relationship trouble.

 

 

One question I have is do you tell any of these guys how many dates you have been on? I know you do on here but the guys you date have no need to know numbers.

 

 

I'm going back through your prospects, the first 3 and the new two and tell you what exactly I think of each first impression and what I would do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the point I would have halted communication. I may or may not have told him why.

I would also be reading back through mails and texts for anything else that was dubious or just a bit off.

 

 

I again would have halted this as soon as I found out his situation.

And I did see your update on this guy. I wouldn't have communicated further after the date other than saying I had a good time but that we're not a match.

 

 

 

 

He would have been a no go right from the 'you don't need to search anymore'

 

 

Yes!

But, you continued communication with each one after brushing off your instincts.

 

 

Follow through with your instincts and for one thing it then gives you time to get to know someone else who could be the one for you.

Analysing or 'giving a break' to any of the above men is going to end in disappointment. It did.

You could have had a much more fun and relaxed week with less angst if yu had listened to those instincts and based your actions upon them.

 

 

 

Stop contact now. He has no need to know why.

I would have stopped at the first innuendo.

I don't go down that route with someone I have never met face to face simply for the reason that I am not going to give a man and impression that I'll get physical when I meet them.

I've met a couple of guys who assumed getting physical was the next step after I had said I wasn't interested in dating them.

 

 

No, but I would be curious as to why he was choosing me if he is that much younger.

I would also ask about his situation but chat normally and watch out for anything that makes me think 'Huh?'

 

Thank you Gemma!

 

When I am asked how many men I met online by these gentlemen I don't say any numbers I just answer yes I had a fair amount of 1st coffee. Is that ok?

 

I get ask a lot why a woman like me has not found yet. I don't know what to answer to that. I usually answer because very few men online are serious. Suggestion?

 

I have stopped all contact with these prospects. I did not keep talking to them. I told prospect 1 that his inviting himself killed it for me and I did not wish to pursue. Prospect 2 exchanged a good morning after our date and nothing else since. I deleted my profile on pof so prospect 4 and 5 got dumped at the same time.

 

I have opened a profile on okcupid. It's actually worse than pof.

[Gaeta]

Try to get out to real life social events. Sign up for real life Meetup events instead. That way you get to know the person organically.

 

I am not new to singlehood. I have been single for 10+ years. My life is filled with activities, friends, family, hobbies, it's not like I don't have a social life. I have a 27 yo daughter who drags me in all kinds of unimaginable activities like rock climbing and zombie runs lol, I also work right downtown in a big building of 800 people. I come across tons of people each day.

 

I did the meetup and I only ended up with a bunch of single women like me.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I did the meetup and I only ended up with a bunch of single women like me.

 

You must not be really exploring the Meetup site thoroughly. You may want to keep trying to find a Meetup that would be a better fit for you.

 

I have opened a profile on okcupid. It's actually worse than pof.

 

This even further reinforces the more organized methods of meeting people. i.e. - Meetup.com

[Gaeta]

I would have to enroll in something like 'how to do your own car maintenance' or 'Remote cars groups'. lol

[Gaeta]

Anyone familiar with okcupid?

 

Last night I liked someone's profile. This morning I got an email saying he liked my profile so we are a match, but he's not writing to me? And why is okcupid presenting me profiles of people that have not been online since November 2014.

 

Also, why do I get messages from people in other countries!!

[GemmaUK]

Thank you Gemma!

 

When I am asked how many men I met online by these gentlemen I don't say any numbers I just answer yes I had a fair amount of 1st coffee. Is that ok?

 

I get ask a lot why a woman like me has not found yet. I don't know what to answer to that. I usually answer because very few men online are serious. Suggestion?

 

I have stopped all contact with these prospects. I did not keep talking to them. I told prospect 1 that his inviting himself killed it for me and I did not wish to pursue. Prospect 2 exchanged a good morning after our date and nothing else since. I deleted my profile on pof so prospect 4 and 5 got dumped at the same time.

 

I have opened a profile on okcupid. It's actually worse than pof.

 

 

 

You're welcome!

 

 

I would keep the meet/date number down to 'a few' and then if you talk of past dates then keep those stories to a very few - make them the 2/3 funniest/most dire stories and then 1/2 pretty normal dates which were 'just not a match'.

 

 

When asked the single question by friends/colleagues I just say I haven't met anyone I wanted to have a RS with and that I'm always happier single than being in a bad RS.

If a prospective date asks why I am single I will say the same.

If they follow up with 'what's wrong with you?' I quit talking with them.

I wouldn't say that to someone so I don't expect a man to say it to me.

 

 

Worse than pof? Good grief!

 

 

OK, new start.

Be alert for odd things said which are later explained away as jokes.

Look out for any signs of innuendo.

Any signs that he is not being respectful or doesn't think you should have an opinion over something.

 

 

Read back through mails the next day to see what you may have brushed over. We all like to hear nice things but in the early stages those tend to be the bits we remember unless someone has been very offensive or crude.

 

 

There's something else which I have learned to do for myself too which is give myself think space after a weird face to face or on the phone comment.

I now use it with any interactions with anyone over anything if I need to think before a real reply.

You need a method that you're comfy with such as responding to a question like 'can I come over and you cook me dinner?' with eg 'how many spaghetti bolognaises have you had this past year?'

 

 

I used to - with that last ex go quiet and not say what I was thinking - for an easy life maybe?

I should have said exactly what I felt and been as forthright as they were being.

 

 

One huge example of this with that ex was a weekend he was staying with me. It was 4/6 weeks after we first met and I kick myself when I think of it as it told me all I needed to know and I should have kicked him out right there and then.

We have a company event once a year in January. It's a weekend away in a nice hotel. Saturday is a day of seminars and team building activities and then in the evening there's a dinner dance.

The invite for the event had been sent to us all that week (October) and I had decided to decline it. Sometimes I attend and sometimes I don't and I just chose not to go as I had attended the last one.

 

 

So, I simply mentioned it to him and mentioned that I wasn't going.

The conversation then went something like this:

 

 

Him: Why not go? Sounds like fun!

 

 

Me: I went last year. Sometimes I go and sometimes I don't. It's a busy time of year at work anyway so can be pretty tough depending on what weekend it falls on.

 

 

Him: If it's all free though we should go!

 

 

Me: It's staff only, no partners are invited.

 

 

Him: Well you can invite me, do the others who invite their wives/husbands go to the seminar as well or do they go off and do their own thing?

 

 

Me: No. it's a no partners event, Staff only, no one is permitted to invite their partners.

 

 

Him: But they go along to the dinner dance though surely?

 

 

Me: No, the whole weekend is staff only.

 

 

(This is where he really started raising his voice and getting a bit loud)

Him: That's just wrong! They can't expect people to work for a company who separate couples for a weekend!

 

 

Me: Er.. it's a work based seminar and team building weekend. It's just how it is. It's only a weekend. Most companies I have worked for have events which are staff only.

 

 

Him: If you ever decide to go then I will find out where it is and turn up. These events are the type where everyone sleeps with each other and it's not on.

 

 

Me: What? Everyone doesn't sleep with each other! We're just work colleagues. If you turn up that would be cringeworthy!(I was laughing at this point and thought he was kidding).

 

 

(He then shouted)

Him: Yes they do all sleep with each other! There is no way you are going to one of these things without me coming with you. I will turn up and be there for the dinner dance and stay in your room with you. They can't stop me!

 

 

I went quiet for a second or two and then said 'you don't think I have any ability to make my own choices and think I am stupid enough to wreck my professional life by sleeping with any of my work colleagues'

 

 

I walked out of the room at this point. I really did think he was joking but some time later I realised he was totally serious (other actions and things he said made me aware this was not a joke for him)

I should have shown him the door right there and then that day.

He had no respect for me at all.

The whole RS turned out to be all about him.

 

 

Moments like that need to be addressed right away. I should have seriously asked if he was joking. I should have said exactly what I felt and he should have been dumped.

Instead, I shrugged it off and it was only the start of the weekend and we had plans....

 

 

How dumb was I??!! It makes me cringe to think about it let alone write it down here..

 

 

It's exactly the kind of on the spot moment where gut reaction should override anything else.

[Gaeta]

Great tips and great story!

 

I will do that I will change my answer to 'a few'. It's bending the truth but I understand it may give out a wrong impression to men. I also like your suggestion to go back and read our messages for anything I may have missed or let slide that I shouldn't.

 

Those are the concrete suggestions I was looking for. Telling me to change my way without examples and telling me my men picker is off doesn't help. It's like someone stopping by and saying my car broke down cause of radiator and they leave. Ok I now know know it's my radiator but I am still stuck by the side of the road.

[Gaeta]

I have reached a new low.

 

A 20 yo just messaged me: OH WOW, you look so much like my mother!

 

 

[Frank2thepoint]

When I am asked how many men I met online by these gentlemen I don't say any numbers I just answer yes I had a fair amount of 1st coffee. Is that ok?

 

First off, it's a bit bad form to ask how many people you've met online. Granted men ask that to see how much competition they have, gauge if you are worth pursuing, and also test your response.

 

As for your response, it's bad. It gives away that you've had a lot of dates. Using a term "fair amount" is just a softer and deceptive way of saying "a lot". Then you mentioned "1st coffee" which signifies you don't get past first dates. To the man he thinks you are either too picky or there is something wrong with you.

 

Just say you've had a few dates. Add a little shrug to it too, for emphasis on the lack of importance of the question and answer.

 

I get ask a lot why a woman like me has not found yet. I don't know what to answer to that. I usually answer because very few men online are serious. Suggestion?

 

It's a fishing question, to hear your response and what your explanation it is. If you are looking for a serious relationship, then your answer is okay. Just say you haven't met a man yet that was serious and knew what he wanted. It's honest and a challenge statement. You are presenting a challenge to the man you are on a date with. It also presents you as a woman that knows what she wants, has some confidence, and has her sh*t together.

 

 

I did the meetup and I only ended up with a bunch of single women like me.

 

Single women you say? What type of Meetup was this? I need this for...um...research purposes, to use here in NYC. Yeah, that's it. Research.

 

 

Anyone familiar with okcupid?

 

Last night I liked someone's profile. This morning I got an email saying he liked my profile so we are a match, but he's not writing to me? And why is okcupid presenting me profiles of people that have not been online since November 2014.

 

Also, why do I get messages from people in other countries!!

 

Many people on here have complained about OKCupid being something like what you mentioned.

 

 

When asked the single question by friends/colleagues I just say I haven't met anyone I wanted to have a RS with and that I'm always happier single than being in a bad RS.

 

I have to disagree with this suggestion. This will make you come off as uninterested and a too stubborn to handle. There is no middle ground, and you are only dating for an ego boost. In fact, you may end up attracting the wrong kind of attention, such as men who like to chase hard, win you over, then drop you as soon as the chase has ended.

[GemmaUK]

Just say you've had a few dates. Add a little shrug to it too, for emphasis on the lack of importance of the question and answer.

 

 

Yep, I like the shrug idea there.

 

I have to disagree with this suggestion. This will make you come off as uninterested and a too stubborn to handle. There is no middle ground, and you are only dating for an ego boost. In fact, you may end up attracting the wrong kind of attention, such as men who like to chase hard, win you over, then drop you as soon as the chase has ended.

 

 

I'm open to further advice also - so what it a suggestion of an appropriate and more approachable response to the 'why are you single?' question?

[Frank2thepoint]

I'm open to further advice also - so what it a suggestion of an appropriate and more approachable response to the 'why are you single?' question?

 

You could use the one I suggested in my previous post. You could also give a smart-ass response such as "I could ask you the same." And even throw in some more sass by adding "Would you think it be a fair question?" But it would come off a bit too defensive, so only reserve such a response to a sarcastic man.

 

But a more appropriate and civil response would be "My last relationship didn't work out. We weren't compatible." What I like about this response is also a "service" statement (using tennis analogy) that could open the dialog, and allow the man to ask what is your idea of compatibility. Here you can go into what your requirements are, or what you are looking for in a man, and in turn you get to ask the man what is he looking for. If you get to this point, I would suggest take advantage of the opportunity (rather than trying to fumble or force the topic) and exchange as much information as possible. You can also ask why is he single if you are curious.

[Gaeta]

I'm so sorry that happened to you with #3 but it's better than being strung along. That is how I would look at it. I would be curious to know what vibe he said there was, not for the fact I would want to date him but because I am interested in what vibes people give off including me.

 

Under other circumstances I could have asked him but in this case here I don't care to know. Him and I greeted in a dark parking lot at -30 with wind blowing at 80km-h. I didn't feel a vibe from him, all I felt was the cold all the way to my bones. How can you get a 'vibe' from someone when you first greet in these circumstances.

[insert_name]

Yep, I like the shrug idea there.

 

 

 

 

I'm open to further advice also - so what it a suggestion of an appropriate and more approachable response to the 'why are you single?' question?

 

Imo thats quite a rude question as its not just making small talk, its looking to trip you up. Worst thing you can do is acknowledge it and try and justify your singledom. Best answer is inject some humour and exaggerate by saying something like 'because I'm an axe murderer and i'm currently between victims' and move the conversation on. If they dont drop it then if I were in that situation I would not continue talking to them.

[GemmaUK]

Imo thats quite a rude question as its not just making small talk, its looking to trip you up. Worst thing you can do is acknowledge it and try and justify your singledom. Best answer is inject some humour and exaggerate by saying something like 'because I'm an axe murderer and i'm currently between victims' and move the conversation on. If they dont drop it then if I were in that situation I would not continue talking to them.

 

 

 

I agree it is a rude question.

It's also a common one though so it's a case of picking your battles pretty much.

 

 

Maybe a better response would be 'Well, I have been on a few dates but I rule out the ignorant idiots who ask rude questions designed to trip me up such as 'why are you single?' and 'what is wrong with you?' on a first meet'.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Under other circumstances I could have asked him but in this case here I don't care to know. Him and I greeted in a dark parking lot at -30 with wind blowing at 80km-h. I didn't feel a vibe from him, all I felt was the cold all the way to my bones. How can you get a 'vibe' from someone when you first greet in these circumstances.

 

You actually expected a vibe when first greeting him a parking lot??

[LookAtThisPOst]

Notice she is rather dismissive of Meetups for some reason. Again, you may want to explore a bit deeper more Meetup groups and opportunities since online seems to be a struggle for you..(esp. at over 10 pages of this.)

[insert_name]

I agree it is a rude question.

It's also a common one though so it's a case of picking your battles pretty much.

 

 

Maybe a better response would be 'Well, I have been on a few dates but I rule out the ignorant idiots who ask rude questions designed to trip me up such as 'why are you single?' and 'what is wrong with you?' on a first meet'.

 

I would agree with that.......but it shows that the question has affected you in some way, which is bad. You cant acknowledge it or take it seriously or show that its bugged you, so for me the ideal response is a stupid exaggerated answer to which they will say to themselves 'nice try' and laugh along with you and go with the change of subject. If they push it I would drop contact.

 

Might seem a bit OTT but to me it would tell me a bit about the sort of person they are- its not a 'nice' 'getting to know you question', they are putting you on the spot about why you think you have not been taken by someone else. I cant see anything good about that question or their intention in asking it amd rather than duck and dive coming up with inventive ways of saying 'xyz' for their benefit I would rather just not bother in the first place.

 

Thankfully I have dealt with women who have the good grace not to ask that, maybe its a man thing. I was asked how long I have been single which was pointed enough, but not why am I still single.

[GemmaUK]

Notice she is rather dismissive of Meetups for some reason. Again, you may want to explore a bit deeper more Meetup groups and opportunities since online seems to be a struggle for you..(esp. at over 10 pages of this.)

 

The meet ups Gaeta tried were all just single women. If that is all that is on offer in her area then she is unlikely to meet men there. There is no point in continuing to attend a group such as that if you are attending to meet someone and the gender you want to date isn't there. That's just flogging a dead horse.

 

 

Is the quality of men in meet up groups better than online?

Gaeta's struggle is with quality, not opportunities.

[LookAtThisPOst]

The meet ups Gaeta tried were all just single women. If that is all that is on offer in her area then she is unlikely to meet men there. There is no point in continuing to attend a group such as that if you are attending to meet someone and the gender you want to date isn't there. That's just flogging a dead horse.

 

 

Is the quality of men in meet up groups better than online?

Gaeta's struggle is with quality, not opportunities.

 

Well, I think she just spoke of a single Meetup and she just gave it up completely and was questioning her diligence in continuing on.

 

I mean, you can't just attend a single Meetup and give up after that. This has thread has gone on for too long as it seems she has an excuse for everything. Whatever is suggested to her, she always has an answer for something.

Edited February 22, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[GemmaUK]

I would agree with that.......but it shows that the question has affected you in some way, which is bad. You cant acknowledge it or take it seriously or show that its bugged you, so for me the ideal response is a stupid exaggerated answer to which they will say to themselves 'nice try' and laugh along with you and go with the change of subject. If they push it I would drop contact.

 

Might seem a bit OTT but to me it would tell me a bit about the sort of person they are- its not a 'nice' 'getting to know you question', they are putting you on the spot about why you think you have not been taken by someone else. I cant see anything good about that question or their intention in asking it amd rather than duck and dive coming up with inventive ways of saying 'xyz' for their benefit I would rather just not bother in the first place.

 

Thankfully I have dealt with women who have the good grace not to ask that, maybe its a man thing. I was asked how long I have been single which was pointed enough, but not why am I still single.

 

 

 

I wouldn't really give that as a reply.

It's massively passive aggressive anyway, more of a sarcastic post on here rather than something I would say to someone.

I prefer the duck out with humour method - I'll certainly give it a try!

[GemmaUK]

I mean, you can't just attend a single Meetup and give up after that.

 

 

Why not?

 

 

If someone finds an activity/event/group is not for them in some way then why should they do it again?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Why not?

 

 

If someone finds an activity/event/group is not for them in some way then why should they do it again?

 

Because there are OTHER Meetups of various types of different activities. Meetup is very diverse. If her problem was only finding women at the events, then she should seek out Meetups where more men attend. Usually the RSVP list is indicative of that.

[BluEyeL]

The meet ups Gaeta tried were all just single women. If that is all that is on offer in her area then she is unlikely to meet men there. There is no point in continuing to attend a group such as that if you are attending to meet someone and the gender you want to date isn't there. That's just flogging a dead horse.

 

 

Is the quality of men in meet up groups better than online?

Gaeta's struggle is with quality, not opportunities.

I highly doubt there are just female only meetup groups in Montreal. That's total bull.