Here is what I deal with, suggestions ! (Updated)

[Gaeta]

One thing you could do is to read the book "The Science of Happily Ever After" by Dr. Ty Tashiro. The book discusses the statistics of finding a suitable mate. It explains how the way you set up your requirements in a mate can make it either possible, OR mathematically impossible to find one.

 

Since, mathematically, you are on the very low yield end, you might find some ideas in there that applies to you, and you can identify these yourself because you know yourself, while we don't know you.

 

As for "try me", you already gave me one piece of what I was expecting: "but I like what I like". Herein lies the attitude problem. Being open to meeting a wide variety of men is one of the prerequisites for success.

 

Thanks for the book suggestion.

 

To show you I am not totally closed off, even if I like what I like, One prospect in my original post is a frenchman (#3)

[BluEyeL]

As for advice, I can only tell you how I found love pretty quickly. I started dating January 2013, met a lot of garden variety losers, honestly, becaue I had no idea what I was doing. Then I had a summer fling June-September of 2013. He dumped me. I wised up, analyzed my issues/behavior/dating skills.

 

Between end of October 2013 and June 2014, I drastically scaled back on the number of men I met, but the quality increased significantly. I dated less than 10 men during that time but they varied in characteristics: short men and tall men, super-skinny men and fat men, handsome men and less handsome men, bald men and men with a full head of hair, educated and uneducated. (some characteristics in the same guy at the same time). To finally find him. I was looking ONLY at character and compatibility. Is he kind? Does he treat me with respect? Is he emotionally and financially stable? Do we have similar VALUES? (NOT interests), Is his life in fully working order (no drama, projects etc)?

 

NOT. Is he hot? Does he make me laugh? Does he drive X type of car? Is there first date chemistry? Do we have the same interests?

 

That's how it worked out. BUT, I know, you wouldn't LIKE my boyfriend probably. I hear a lot of "but I wouldn't date 90% of my friends' husbands". Nobody says you should date THEIR husbands or boyfriends, just find your own. If your standards are as such that you can't find him, maybe lower them a little where it doesn't matter and raise them where it matters.

[Sunfire73]

Almost everyone has baggage, find out what you are willing to take and not. I came with a few of mine, and my bf as well. But we were willing to explore, learn more about each other and give it a chance to work it out. If the chemistry, compatibility and shared goals are there then it can still work. Maybe you need to up your age range, or location too. I also was the one who search for my bf and glad he messaged me. I didn't just rely on the ones who messaged me first. I went ahead and search myself.

[Gaeta]

Oh dear! I do that too. I don't look at level of education, earnings, number of children, (remember I am the one, at 49, that dated a man with full custody of 4 young kids). I am open minded, I went on dates with men of all walks of life, all ages, size, height, name it. And yes I do message men.

 

 

 

Prospect #1 just texted me: So what are you cooking for us tonight? with a wink

[Emilia]

I still think getting out and socialising (through hobbies and interests, not bars) is the best way to meet people, widening the social circle and being introduced to singles here and there. The amount of effort you have to put into OLD probably isn't less than the effort is for socialising. Find new hobbies if you have to.

[central]

Prospect #1 just texted me: So what are you cooking for us tonight? with a wink

 

If you otherwise like him, tell him you'll cook up a reservation, and offer to take him out.

[Toodaloo]

This kind of thinking, is self-defeating.

What is a normal, decent guy going to think when he sees a list like that?

"Drama magnet - avoid"

That list would put off the normal, decent ones... so who is left...?

 

Maybe there are similar things in your profile, which seem perfectly fine to you, but which are putting off the normal/decent ones?

 

Agh Geata I am so tempted to put that too.

 

But I thought along the lines of Peg Nose above and now have had several chaps who all know me well critique my profile and another female... No one can see anything obvious but have made some suggestions. I am going to listen, get help and see what happens.

 

But honey please do not take it as the only way to date. There are loads of good guys out there, we just need to figure out how to meet them at the right time in the right place. To be honest I think many of them have given up because they get all this poop too from women! Its not just us.

 

I think you should cook him those hot dogs from a jar that you boil for 30 seconds (and are never entirely sure what sort of meat they are actually made from) shove it in a french stick with a dollop of ketchup and tell him that the door is in that direction!

[Maleficent]

Oh dear! I do that too. I don't look at level of education, earnings, number of children, (remember I am the one, at 49, that dated a man with full custody of 4 young kids). I am open minded, I went on dates with men of all walks of life, all ages, size, height, name it. And yes I do message men.

 

 

 

Prospect #1 just texted me: So what are you cooking for us tonight? with a wink

 

See? You're totally nitpicking!

[MissBee]

After a break of 4 months I am back online.

 

People always frown when I tell them I met 100 + men and nothing has materialized for me! You will understand why in a minute:

 

Here is my situation now.

 

Prospect 1: We met Friday evening. He is A1 and we had a great date. At the end of our date he gave me a bunch of compliments and told me he'd love to see me again and I said I'd love to. The following morning he sent me a text saying: I can't wait to see you again. Which was super sweet. Last night he called me and asked if I was free tonight. I said yes, he then invited himself over to my place (sigh of disappointment). Not only he invited himself to my place but he suggested I cook for him because he loves home-made food.

 

Prospect 2: We met Saturday evening. We had a great time!! In terms of having fun he surpassed many of the men I met. He put in his profile he is looking for love etc. During our date I learned he is 9 months out of a 22 year marriage (sigh of disappointment). Nothing is settled, the house is not sold, his ex does not work, he pays his mortgage and his apartment.

 

Prospect 3: We have not met yet. He cancelled our last night date because he got a cold. So far I liked him very much I was really looking forward to meet him. He saw me online at 5h last night. He sent me a message saying: You don't need to search anymore!! You won't found anyone better than me!!!, this morning he sent me a text: Good morning woman of my dreams! (sigh of disappointment)

 

So, the 3 of them are a no-go. I will go back online, I will get 3 new ones and it will just be a repeat of what I have just exposed to you. That is how I got to meet 100 men in the past 3 years and I am still single.

 

Sometimes I am thinking I should put in my profile a list of don't like

 

1. Don't invite yourself over to my place

2. Don't contact me if your divorce is not final

3. Don't tell me I am the woman of your dreams if we have not met.

 

Please offer me some guidance.

 

Thank you

 

Doesn't seem you need much guidance. In my experience you will meet more NOs than yeses so it makes sense, especially if you have standards.

 

Prospect 1, while what he suggested was forward and probably doesn't bode well, if all else was alright, I'd decline the home dinner option and tell him "Let's get to a few more dates before I make you dinner..." and then suggest doing something else. If he isn't amenable, drop him. If he is, see how it goes and feel out if you still like him.

 

Otherwise, I mean, that's the nature of the game. I stopped online dating for yeaaars then did it again last year. I wen t on two dates, one became my bf, we were together for 6 months, broke up, went on two more dates, 1 we became FWB and still talk but we both know a relationship will not come out of it, and the other was crazy. I then take breaks from OLD and if I'm in the mood I go back to it. But I go in FULLY expecting that most people won't fit. This isn't alarming or because you're wrong, in fact, when I was younger and just started OLD, I went on sooooo many dates that were wastes of time. But I was less picky and figured "why not", now that I know exactly what I want and need and don't want, instead of going on say 3 dates a week, between last year February and now, I've been on 4 dates from OLD. Some would say that's not successful, for me, it's been fairly successful in that I'm looking for quality and a real relationship and am not in the mind to just go on dates for the heck of it.

 

Anyway, point is: you just have to keep on at it and expect you'll meet more NOs than yeses. This hasn't a thing to d with online either, unlike what some suggest, when you meet a dude at the bar, at the grocery store, wherever, it is just as likely to not work out either.

[TigerCub]

It was over the phone. He was not joking. He asked me if I like cooking, what I cooked, then he said he loves homemade cooking and he finishes early so I could cook him my specialty. I went: hhm hhm, I'm never home before 6 so I am not cooking on weeknights. He said ok we'll talk about it tomorrow.

 

Wow - what a tool!

[elaine567]

I'll start out with "I don't really know", but here's what makes sense to me:

 

The good news is that you have likely moved past men who make the mistakes that men make with their first and second girlfriends.

 

I think though, that the problems you see are a symptom of getting older. If you view the dating pool as a population, then the most of the best guys (meaning the most suited to marriage) have been taken out of the dating pool through LTR and/or marriage. The worst of those have been returned through the dating pool via breakup and/or divorce. There are of course exceptions to these generalizations; you may very well find a gem out there, but on the whole, you're dating the second and third tier of men(again, in terms of being suitable for marriage). They are going to have their problems, and I suspect that most aren't interested in hiding them.

 

As you get older, it seems to me that the number of suitable men would decrease, because all single women experience what you're experiencing... and when they find a good one, they to their best to keep him, thus pulling them out of the dating pool. I'm sure there is some offset where men who were previously unsuitable wise up about whatever it is about them, and they change from frogs to princes, but how many would pretty much depend on the age range you're dealing with.

 

Anyway, I think you're dealing with the law of large numbers. I think that's what explains your findings.

 

Maybe the next batch of suitable men for marriage being freed up are the widowers...

[elaine567]

It was over the phone. He was not joking. He asked me if I like cooking, what I cooked, then he said he loves homemade cooking and he finishes early so I could cook him my specialty. I went: hhm hhm, I'm never home before 6 so I am not cooking on weeknights. He said ok we'll talk about it tomorrow.

 

Cooking is the way to a man's heart...

...or so they say.

[Gaeta]

I need to reply something to him. I hesitate between offering dinner in a restaurant on me, or simply dumping him. That's the thing with being 49 and having done online for a long time, I got NO patience left.

 

Also this guy is 41. As much as I used to love dating younger men now I run away from them.

[elaine567]

Yes he has you over a barrel there.

 

YOU agree to cook - comes to your place - something you might not be comfortable with and you could end up with him expecting more...

 

YOU ask him to cook, you end up in his place, he has cooked and will likely expect some reward.

 

YOU take him out for dinner, YOU pay - that doesn't sound right either.

 

YOU could suggest going out and you halve the bill, but some men would have offered to take YOU out on the second meeting, so is he just a cheap skate or a chancer?

[Gaeta]

Yes he has you over a barrel there.

 

YOU agree to cook - comes to your place - something you might not be comfortable with and you could end up with him expecting more...

 

YOU ask him to cook, you end up in his place, he has cooked and will likely expect some reward.

 

YOU take him out for dinner, YOU pay - that doesn't sound right either.

 

YOU could suggest going out and you halve the bill, but some men would have offered to take YOU out on the second meeting, so is he just a cheap skate or a chancer?

 

I would not mind paying. When we met Friday we had drinks and finger food and he did not hesitate to pay the entire bill.

[elaine567]

I would not mind paying. When we met Friday we had drinks and finger food and he did not hesitate to pay the entire bill.

 

Maybe just more drinks and finger food then.

[insert_name]

All I can say OP is that if this is how 'Online dating woman' thinks then no wonder I dont get any replies!

 

Basically you seem to be very quick to dismiss these men without giving yourself an opportunity to be proved wrong about your assumptions of their character based on things they have said which have varied from cheeky (number 1) to a bit naive (number 3) and all this in spite of things (by your own admittance) going well initially. I can imagine its been the same for the previous 100 or however many men you have met.

 

This, essentially, is the problem with OLD. you dont have to give these guys more of a chance than you are already doing because another one will be along in a minute and he will unwittingly fall foul of some verbal faux pas and similarly be branded a loser, get no response and be left wondering what he did wrong. Its shopping catalog mentality but it ends up giving you diminishing returns because no one ends up being good enough. Which is fine, I understand thats how OLD works- you just kind of lose any right to complain about it because you are part of the problem.

 

So you could try persevering with some of these guys (at the least, number 3) or keep doing what you have always done and get what you have always got.

[Gaeta]

All I can say OP is that if this is how 'Online dating woman' thinks then no wonder I dont get any replies!

 

Basically you seem to be very quick to dismiss these men without giving yourself an opportunity to be proved wrong about your assumptions of their character based on things they have said which have varied from cheeky (number 1) to a bit naive (number 3) and all this in spite of things (by your own admittance) going well initially. I can imagine its been the same for the previous 100 or however many men you have met.

 

This, essentially, is the problem with OLD. you dont have to give these guys more of a chance than you are already doing because another one will be along in a minute and he will unwittingly fall foul of some verbal faux pas and similarly be branded a loser, get no response and be left wondering what he did wrong. Its shopping catalog mentality but it ends up giving you diminishing returns because no one ends up being good enough. Which is fine, I understand thats how OLD works- you just kind of lose any right to complain about it because you are part of the problem.

 

So you could try persevering with some of these guys (at the least, number 3) or keep doing what you have always done and get what you have always got.

 

No one is naive here. The only one I would give a break for saying something naive would be prospect #2 who just got on the dating market after 22 years married. But in his case experience has thought me to not date men freshly out of relationships.

 

Prospect #1 not new to single-hood, you really think it's naivety and inexperience that has him INSISTS, over and over, to come to my home for a 2nd date?

 

Prospect #3 is 48 years old, single for 10 years, lots and lots of dating. He's built like a hulk, over-confident, he's trying to sweet talk me with 'you're the woman of my dreams'.

[Gaeta]

Maybe just more drinks and finger food then.

 

 

Ok done!

 

I told him I am not in the habit of inviting men over to my home for a second meeting. I am inviting him out and it's my treat.

 

He laughed

 

He said he understood then changed the subject. I have no clue if it's a yes or a no.

[writergal]

Ok done!

 

I told him I am not in the habit of inviting men over to my home for a second meeting. I am inviting him out and it's my treat.

 

He laughed

 

He said he understood then changed the subject. I have no clue if it's a yes or a no.

 

He laughed and then changed the subject? What a tool! I would interpret that as a 'no,' from him. Bit of a preview for you how he handles conflict - he shuts the other person down and dismisses their feelings, rather than acknowledge he was wrong and apologize. Saying that he understood isn't exactly an apology for his ludicrous assumption that he could just show up at your house, have you cook a meal for him, and then do god knows what else. He sounds like a real ass.

 

Why would you take him out and pay for him? I wouldn't.

[Gaeta]

He just gave me a call. I hate that he is amused by me saying I don't invite men over for 2nd meet. He said he just threw the idea in the air, he has no agenda, and he does not look at dating in terms of date 1, date 2.

 

I lost all motivation I had for him. I hate this sh.!t!! If I were new to online dating I would probably give him the benefit of the doubts but I have been through this over and over so many times that I don't want to bother anymore when something like that comes up.

[writergal]

Ugh he sounds like such a tool, Gaeta! No agenda? Pffft! He tested to see if you had no boundaries. That's why he tried to invite himself over to your place for a 2nd date. I hear you. I hate that ***** too with online dating, which is why I won't do it anymore. I've had enough.

 

I have a problem with having to weed through all the losers to find the decent, normal men who use online dating. I don't want to waste my time online trying to meet men. I'd rather take my chances offline.

[Gloria25]

OLD sucks!!!

 

Oh, did I say that?

 

BTW, Gaeta, I love your threads - I really do :bunny:

 

I agree with many others here. OLD takes some thick skin....Also, cuz of our ages (I'm approaching 40), you're probably gonna meet guys with baggage (i.e. kids, divorces, etc.). Also, if you meet one w/o baggage - still, you gotta wonder why he's approaching your age and still hasn't settled down and/or if he's a serial dater, looking for OLD booty.

 

It sucks cuz I don't want kids and certain things and I'll click on a profile with some guy who has what I'm looking for and there'll be this part like "I want someone good with kids" and I have to click off the profile, cuz I'm not gonna waste some guy's time. A gf told me I need to lax my requirements, and I've tried dating guys with kids - but it wasn't my cup of tea.

 

I'm also not gonna date super younger either - cuz while they don't have kids and/or lots of baggage and are "fresh for the picking", I cannot see myself boinking a kid. I'll go younger, but to a point.

 

Oh gosh, and then the guys who are "older" than me. They "look" old. I mean, they got the belly, balding hairline, and gray hair. And, of the ones that actually "do" keep in shape, they look like serial daters and/or spend too much time in front of the mirror.

 

Oh, and then there's the liars who are married but are lying, who put up fake pics, etc.

 

I also think OLD is full of undateable people (like me) cuz if they were such a catch, then why are/have they been single? Crude, but true.

 

I know some people say OLD was created for busy people, the modern way dating - but I think not. Again, IMO, OLD is full of fakes, flakes, undateables and/or people looking booty.

 

Now and then you'll find some ok people - as I have, but that's where it becomes a numbers game. Don't put all your eggs in one basket (until you are exclusive) and grow a thick skin and keep on plugging away.

 

In regards to your profile. I do not allow people to see how many people have viewed my profile, when I last logged on, if I'm online right now. I don't need them to start wondering if I'm a serial dater, if I'm still checking out other people while I'm talking to them, for them to "surprise" me with an online chat while I am browsing the site. I'll just tell them that I've been on the site now and then and leave it at that. So far I haven't been pressed as to answer how long I've been on there, how many people I've met/spoken to, etc.

 

Good luck!!! I know it sucks, but keep on plowin'

[Toodaloo]

On line dating does suck. But I know its just as hard for the normal good guys too. It just seems to be the in thing these days... stick with it. This guy might just be a bit cheeky in the hope he will stand out perhaps?

[Gaeta]

On line dating does suck. But I know its just as hard for the normal good guys too. It just seems to be the in thing these days... stick with it. This guy might just be a bit cheeky in the hope he will stand out perhaps?

 

Lets see.

 

He just cancelled tonight and asked to reschedule tomorrow.

 

At our first meeting he asked me if I had noticed he took his pictures down already, that he likes to concentrate on one woman at a time. If he had done that after we met ok, but before? hhmm.