Here is what I deal with, suggestions ! (Updated)

[Weezy1973]

Of course there is a list of qualities I want in a man but I got to date that man to discover if he has those qualities.

 

Yes, that is exactly my question. What are those qualities?

[Toodaloo]

Yes, that is exactly my question. What are those qualities?

 

Dependability

Honesty

Stability

Humour

Morals

Manners

 

None of which you can tell until you get to know a person...

[Haydn]

I am always told I look even better than my pictures. I don't want to brag but I have never met a man that did not want to see me again, never.

 

Gaeta you remind me a little of my mother. (Bless her)

 

No she`s not dead! She`s always got `knockout` compliments from blokes.

 

Sorry to hear about yesterday. I told you 8 was good for me. At least he was upfront though.

[Toodaloo]

No, i`ve been driving around for hours looking for somewhere to park!

 

Gaeta, i do hope you find what you are looking for. Maybe tonight could be the time.

 

Just park in the parent and child space!

 

A friend has just stood me up at the last minute for tonight so am now ringing round other friends with weird senses of humor to take the ticket. I am piddled off today! Really piddled off.

 

Geata tonight is not my night but you honey will rock!

 

People will always find a way to shock you... I get it all the time.

[Gaeta]

 

Geata tonight is not my night but you honey will rock!

 

 

I don't think you read my update

 

He didn't feel the vibe, when we met in the dark parking lot, with a blizzard blowing.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think you read my update

 

He didn't feel the vibe, when we met in the dark parking lot, with a blizzard blowing.

 

Time difference... I posted on Friday! You may have had a sucky night last night but tonight your going to have a great one.

 

Didn't feel the vibe... pft shove a rampant rabbit down the next ones trousers and ask if he feels the "vibe".

 

*note to Geata (and myself) - I am being facetious, I know its tempting but don't!! *

[Frank2thepoint]

My written profile has 4 paragraphs. I present myself, I talk about my favorite activities, I say that family is important to me, I mention my cultural background, and I finish with describing what type of man and relationship I am looking for.

 

This sounds like a boring profile. Especially the part about you having to state that family is important. Only a psychopath or cantankerous person would obviously wouldn't find family important. You don't have to mention this, because a million other women say the same exact thing. Hence there isn't anything that stands out. Obviously you can cover this during the date if the topic comes up.

 

Try put a spin on your favorite activities. Make it sound a bit exciting, like including a brief story about an activity that made you laugh or excited. For example, I like to bicycle so I commute to work with a bicycle. Half way through my commute, I was caught in a downpour, thinking I would beat the rain to work. Just to add more bad luck, I was hit by a taxi making an illegal turn. It happened so fast, I was sliding on the rain soaked street, making me wonder how I ended up with my ass sitting in a puddle. That's an example of providing some adventure, comedy, and a good natured spirit in a profile.

 

 

Sometimes what I have done is I don't put pictures in my profile and when I see an interesting man I message him and I enclose my pictures in my first message.

 

This sounds like you have low self-esteem and closed off. Why are you afraid of showing pictures?

 

 

Do you state in your profile that you have a good job and a house etc?

 

 

If you do - quit with that and down play it.

 

No, I would not do that. In the square where we put our jobs I downplayed it I put management when in fact it's executive.

 

I will admit as a man, if I spoke with a woman and she mentioned she has a job/career that was demanding (such as lawyer, doctor, project manager, etc.) I assumed she would be too busy to date, and if by some chance we did hit it off, she would be too busy for a relationship. Now if I was in a similar demanding field, I wouldn't have a problem dating someone like that because I would understand and know what to expect.

 

 

Then give me some instructions.

 

This man is my age.

My culture

Divorced for 10 years

Good job

Children all adults

 

Why was it wrong of me to pick him? Yes he did say unusual things to me but people on here all told me to give him a break.

 

You picked him because he is a meat-head (physical looks), and he looked good on paper (his profile). Did you ever converse with him over the telephone a bit, to get to know him? Did you ask him questions beyond his profile, such as goals, plans, ambitions, requirements?

[Gaeta]

This sounds like a boring profile.

Then why do I get tons and tons of messages? Your advice is good for someone looking to get more messages. It's not my problem. I have more messages I can handle.

 

This sounds like you have low self-esteem and closed off. Why are you afraid of showing pictures?

My god, if there is something I don't have it's low self-esteem. Right now with the G-rated pictures I have on I get tons of indecent offers. I get too much of the bad attention. I get lots of messages from young guys looking for sex. I get messages from 18 years old for god sake!! looking for some fun time. What do you think is gonna happen if I put pictures up there with sexy little summer dresses and high heels, showing skin?

 

Did you ever converse with him over the telephone a bit, to get to know him? Did you ask him questions beyond his profile, such as goals, plans, ambitions, requirements?

Of course! He is a business man, has his company for 20 years, raised 4 boys, he was respectful, never made any sexual innuendos, we're the same age so we related on many things etc.

 

He's an idiot, an emotional idiot. You can't assess everything on a phone conversation.

[BluEyeL]

This is frustrating. Why does it work for me and others and not for you? I mean, really? Do you go for guys who are too hot? Ha?? Maybe... Maybe you go out of your league. Which I implied with the younger guys. Or pick guys who give sleazy/weird vibes before meeting.

 

Common, look at your situation, what's written in your profile, how you come across and figure it out.

 

We can't. We don't know you. Unless I come to your house and analyze you, which I am almost ready to do to get to the bottom of this

[Gaeta]

This is frustrating. Why does it work for me and others and not for you? I mean, really? Do you go for guys who are too hot? Ha?? Maybe... Maybe you go out of your league. Which I implied with the younger guys. Or pick guys who give sleazy/weird vibes before meeting.

 

Well...if a hot guy messages me and he seems to have it together why not? I have gone on dates with all types of men, tall, short, educated, uneducated, young, older, fit, not so fit, etc. Why do I have to avoid attractive men? and why do I have to settle for a man with a big gut when I put in efforts to keep myself attractive?

 

 

Common, look at your situation, what's written in your profile, how you come across and figure it out.

 

I am willing to send you a copy and past of my text in private so you can confirm to all here that there is no opening what so ever in my text for a man to interpret I am out for fun.

[Kamille]

So I've only recently started reading your threads. And really, the only thread I read is this one.

 

I can't help but notice that you seem to contradict yourself a lot. It seems to me you are attached to the idea that you are doing everything right. Almost to the point of presenting yourself as perfect. For instance, you say:

 

I am always told I look even better than my pictures. I don't want to brag but I have never met a man that did not want to see me again, never.

 

Everyone gets rejected. Everyone. In fact, well, it also happens to you, as this thread shows.

 

Perhaps your biggest struggle is your perfectionism. I wonder if it is leading you not to notice areas where you can improve. You would rather prove to us you are doing everything right than actually spend some time considering the advice given.

 

Perhaps your attachment to presenting yourself as perfect is standing in the way of your goal of finding a partner.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Kamille

[BluEyeL]

Well...if a hot guy messages me and he seems to have it together why not? I have gone on dates with all types of men, tall, short, educated, uneducated, young, older, fit, not so fit, etc. Why do I have to avoid attractive men? and why do I have to settle for a man with a big gut when I put in efforts to keep myself attractive?

 

 

 

 

I am willing to send you a copy and past of my text in private so you can confirm to all here that there is no opening what so ever in my text for a man to interpret I am out for fun.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't go out with an attractive man if he messages you. But maybe you reject ones that are maybe less conventionally attractive, but would make good long term, loving, partners.

[BluEyeL]

OK, I think I have some idea where you're going wrong, and you're not going to like it.

 

You're going for men who are not serious about you because I think, and I can always be wrong, you go for physical narcissistic traits, i.e. looks, instead of kindness, long term relationship oriented, emotional stability. In other words, you're going above your league in terms of looks and below the league where you should shoot for in terms of character and values.

 

And that answers my question on why it worked for me, who I am not as "hot", and not for you. My man is 6.1ft tall, has a great career, makes a sh.itload of money (about 6X more than me, and I am an Engineering Professor at a major University), is the kindest person in the world, but he does have a gut. I love him to pieces and he loves me and we are insanely happy. But I understand, you want someone in shape, most people do, so that means, is going to take longer for you.

 

That's my final conclusion. Case closed and happy dating

[Gaeta]

So I've only recently started reading your threads. And really, the only thread I read is this one.

 

I can't help but notice that you seem to contradict yourself a lot. It seems to me you are attached to the idea that you are doing everything right. Almost to the point of presenting yourself as perfect. For instance, you say:

 

 

 

Everyone gets rejected. Everyone. In fact, well, it also happens to you, as this thread shows.

 

Perhaps your biggest struggle is your perfectionism. I wonder if it is leading you not to notice areas where you can improve. You would rather prove to us you are doing everything right than actually spend some time considering the advice given.

 

Perhaps your attachment to presenting yourself as perfect is standing in the way of your goal of finding a partner.

 

Kamille: I am not perfect. I do get a lot of attention but I am not perfect. I get 2 types of attention. I meet men that want to marry me before our 2nd date and I get the men that want to play around while trying to convince me they're seeking something serious.

 

I made contact with 2 new prospects.

 

1. He is 45, we had 2 phone conversations and he's making way too many sexual innuendos I don't like it.

 

2. He is 40, do I discard him automatically?

 

So total is 5 prospects in 1 week. Do you agree that discarding all of them was the thing to do? You think I should have given any of these men a chance? I turned out giving prospect #3 a chance. I got discarded in the parking lot for not giving him the 'right vibe'.

 

Honestly I am ready to follow any of your advices. I have nothing to lose. Tell me what to change and I will.

[Kamille]

Kamille: I am not perfect. I do get a lot of attention but I am not perfect. I get 2 types of attention. I meet men that want to marry me before our 2nd date and I get the men that want to play around while trying to convince me they're seeking something serious.

 

Je suis pas en train de dire que t'es parfaite. Je suis en train de dire que t'es une perfectionniste. I am not saying that you are perfect. I am saying that you're a perfectionist.

 

There is a huge difference between the two. Perfect: no one is. Perfectionist: many people are. And perfectionnism will often lead those of us who suffer from it to constantly defend ourselves and to be attached to ideals that get in the way of your goals. In fact, I would suggest your response to me is a perfectionist response. Instead of thinking: "Hummm, maybe random internet stranger has a point. Maybe I am a perfectionist and perhaps working on that aspect of my personality would help me in dating" you thought: "I must defend myself and show that I am not perfect. There, [constructive] criticism averted."

[Gaeta]

Oh and a little gut is ok, I am not looking for a 6 pack but a big gut, like 7 months pregnant, no.

 

I like attractive men but for me it's more face attractive than anything else. Look at all the short men complaining on here they don't have dates. I have dated plenty of 5'6'' and 5'7'' men. Some thin, some thicker but they have nice face and nice smile.

[Gaeta]

Je suis pas en train de dire que t'es parfaite. Je suis en train de dire que t'es une perfectionniste. I am not saying that you are perfect. I am saying that you're a perfectionist.

 

There is a huge difference between the two. Perfect: no one is. Perfectionist: many people are. And perfectionnism will often lead those of us who suffer from it to constantly defend ourselves and to be attached to ideals that get in the way of your goals. In fact, I would suggest your response to me is a perfectionist response. Instead of thinking: "Hummm, maybe random internet stranger has a point. Maybe I am a perfectionist and perhaps working on that aspect of my personality would help me in dating" you thought: "I must defend myself and show that I am not perfect. There, [constructive] criticism averted."

 

Excellent French !

 

Ok I am perfectionist. What do I from here?

[Frank2thepoint]

Then why do I get tons and tons of messages? Your advice is good for someone looking to get more messages. It's not my problem. I have more messages I can handle.

 

My god, if there is something I don't have it's low self-esteem. Right now with the G-rated pictures I have on I get tons of indecent offers. I get too much of the bad attention. I get lots of messages from young guys looking for sex. I get messages from 18 years old for god sake!! looking for some fun time. What do you think is gonna happen if I put pictures up there with sexy little summer dresses and high heels, showing skin?

 

Women on OLD will always get some negative attention such as sexual offers. But if you are getting a lot more negative than positive, than maybe you need setup some filters in your profile. Give some reasonable (not ideal) specifics on what you are looking for in a man as a way to dissuade/minimize negative attention.

 

 

You can't assess everything on a phone conversation.

 

Actually you can, if you ask the right questions. It's about pushing past the surface questions. Ask about their requirements (what are they looking for in a mate), values, interests, etc. Concerning meathead (prospect #3), not sure if you did, but you could have asked if he also wants a woman to be a gym junkie just like him.

[Kamille]

Excellent French !

 

Ok I am perfectionist. What do I from here?

 

Do that more often. Hear the advice given here. Instead of reacting in what often reads as defence, sit with it. It doesn't mean accept it all. It means, allow for the fact that maybe there are suggestions here that would hep you with your goal of meeting a great man.

 

Question: have you done / are you doing therapy? I struggle with perfectionism and inter relational therapy was tremendously helpful.

[Gaeta]

Do that more often. Hear the advice given here. Instead of reacting in what often reads as defence, sit with it. It doesn't mean accept it all. It means, allow for the fact that maybe there are suggestions here that would hep you with your goal of meeting a great man.

 

Question: have you done / are you doing therapy? I struggle with perfectionism and inter relational therapy was tremendously helpful.

 

I don't think I am a case for therapy.

 

Would you say it was perfectionism that made me bypass these 5 last prospects?

 

So, I am practical, I want concrete advice on how to handle my next prospect. Or better than that, I will present you guys my next prospect and you tell me why I am making a bad choice. How's that?

[Kamille]

I don't think I am a case for therapy.

 

Would you say it was perfectionism that made me bypass these 5 last prospects?

 

So, I am practical, I want concrete advice on how to handle my next prospect. Or better than that, I will present you guys my next prospect and you tell me why I am making a bad choice. How's that?

 

You know yourself best. Like I said, therapy has helped me tremendously with my perfectionist tendencies.

 

And yes, concrete advice is, for the most part, what you are receiving here. Your job, obviously, is to decide which advice suits you best.

 

What I find striking is that you've received contradictory advice (as is the norm on on-line forums) and told us that you are

1.not wearing make up and are wearing make up;

2. are looking laid back and looking professional

3. are presenting yourself in general, easy-going, terms and being specific about who you are.

 

That reflex is intriguing: the reflex to tell us you're already doing it all, including a thing and its opposite. So either one of two things is happening: either you're already doing it all and are just having a streak of bad luck or you're more invested in appearing to have it all together than in actually figuring out how to improve your luck.

[Gaeta]

You know yourself best. Like I said, therapy has helped me tremendously with my perfectionist tendencies.

 

And yes, concrete advice is, for the most part, what you are receiving here. Your job, obviously, is to decide which advice suits you best.

 

What I find striking is that you've received contradictory advice (as is the norm on on-line forums) and told us that you are

1.not wearing make up and are wearing make up;

2. are looking laid back and looking professional

3. are presenting yourself in general, easy-going, terms and being specific about who you are.

 

That reflex is intriguing: the reflex to tell us you're already doing it all, including a thing and its opposite. So either one of two things is happening: either you're already doing it all and are just having a streak of bad luck or you're more invested in appearing to have it all together than in actually figuring out how to improve your luck.

 

 

I can send you my profile pictures and you can tell me where I stand in terms of professional or laid-back. Maybe the confusion comes from the definition we have of made-up and laid back.

 

To me made-up is ready to attend a wedding. Professional is with a business suit on. Laid-back is in jeans.

 

I wear dresses at work that are dressed up enough for office but are also perfect for 6 o'clock date on a terrace.

[Frank2thepoint]

So, I am practical, I want concrete advice on how to handle my next prospect. Or better than that, I will present you guys my next prospect and you tell me why I am making a bad choice. How's that?

 

What are your practical requirements for a man?

What qualities do you look for in a man (both physical and nonphysical)?

Are you looking for a serious relationship or just casual dating? I'm asking this because you are frustrated with not finding a quality man yet have no problem with dating over 100 men.

Are you direct with the men when getting to know each other concerning conveying your goals and values? Are direct when asking men their goals and values?

 

Answering these above questions will help you filter bad candidates, and make better choices. It'll put you on the right path at least.

[Gaeta]

What are your practical requirements for a man?

What qualities do you look for in a man (both physical and nonphysical)?

Are you looking for a serious relationship or just casual dating? I'm asking this because you are frustrated with not finding a quality man yet have no problem with dating over 100 men.

Are you direct with the men when getting to know each other concerning conveying your goals and values? Are direct when asking men their goals and values?

 

Answering these above questions will help you filter bad candidates, and make better choices. It'll put you on the right path at least.

 

In the past couple of years I have made it extremely clear what I am looking for. I am looking for a man I am compatible with, to fall in love again, and commit to a long term relationship that will last for the rest of my life. I am looking for the real thing, someone to grow old with. Is it clear enough?

 

When I got into this online dating I was naive and I did meet a lot of men not worth my time because I believed every word they told me. I have learned a great deal since. So yes the first half of those 100 are me being all over the place and not knowing what I was doing.

 

I am looking for a man I am attracted to. I am not aiming too high or too low. What I am attracted toward changes. I have dated men 5'6'' and men 6'4''. I have dated men of all walks of life and education levels, of all races. To me attraction is a melt pot of many things. Before I go on dates I show my daughter who I go meet and often she said Mom you must be bored cause you can do better. BUT there was something attractive and I went.

 

I want a man with good qualities of the heart. Who does not want a partner that is respectful, considerate, generous, grounded, stable, funny ?

[Gaeta]

Back to the made-up thing.

 

To me there is a difference between being made-up and being put-together.

 

I went on this first date on a terrace once. The man told me: Have I known you were gonna be made up I would not have put a t-shirt on.

 

I was not made up. I was wearing a $29 summer dress and $15 wedge sandals. I was put-together.

 

So that clarifies my style. I am put-together.

 

ETA: I might as well finish my story. So this man was 45. Very nice. Airline pilot. When the drinks were done he insisted we stay longer, I did. Then he wanted to go somewhere to eat but I had a family dinner so I offered another time. He said perfect. When I got home he texted me he had a great time and was very excited to meet me and invited me to dinner on the following Tuesday. I never heard from him again. I texted to confirm our date, he was gone, poof.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Gaeta