Should I believe her???

[EvolvingSiddhartha]

First and foremost, I’d like to thank all of you ahead of time. I’ve recently found myself on totally unknown ground and nothing I can do or say is improving the situation. I need some advice among other things, so again I thank you for your time.

 

Here’s the scoop: Boy meets girl he’s known for years, boy starts dating girl, boy and girl fall madly in love in a matter of weeks (something that normally never happens to an otherwise level-headed and emotionally grounded guy), relationship evolves very quickly (in just 3 months, kids and marriage have been discussed, jokingly at first, but with a serious undertone), girl breaks up with boy because…..”she just doesn’t want a boyfriend now”.

 

Huh.

 

Well, that’s the quick version, here’s some detail. I’m 25, college grad, she’s 23, graduating in May. She’s been totally honest with me this whole time, and so I have no real reason not to believe her aside from this daunting confusion. She actually did mention when we first started dating that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to get involved in another relationship at this point in her life. I told I understood, but things just happened. We simply fell head over heels in love with each other so quick and now (I think) she’s a little freaked out. She’s the type of girl whose basically had boyfriend her whole life. She’s been in a relationship before me that lasted 5 years and ended with her breaking up with the guy because she felt that she simply couldn’t spend the rest of her life with him. With me, she’s ASSURED me that she still loves me, and ASSURED me that she honestly has no intention of dating anybody, that she’s simply needs to be free for awhile, and that she still wants to marry me, have children, etc. Another part of this breakup involves this vacation she’s going on in June. Her and her best friend are taking 5 weeks and traveling across the country and back, and she says that she wants her vacation to be stress free, without having to call anyone, check in ,etc.

 

In the meantime, she still want to be friends, call me, hangout, have dinner every once in awhile, just without any formal commitment. Before breaking up we made plans to go to this concert later this month, and she’s still all about it. She also mentioned that she still all about me being her date to her friends wedding later this year. In fact, the night she broke up with me she still said she wanted to come over the following night to spend the night, which she did. That served as further closure (I guess) and further assurance from her that she still loved me and that everything was still cool. She slept holding me, and I couldn’t sleep the whole night – punch drunk from an unadulterated feeling of ‘bittersweet’.

 

Here’s my confusion:

 

In the world of men, when we say that we “don’t want a girlfriend right now” what that means (99% of the time, there are of course, exceptions) is that we want to be able to date other people. I’ve discussed this with other girls, as well as my sister, and they’ve told me that girls are different in this regard in that sometimes they simply want to be alone and need to just be free. I can understand this to a point, but I’m still a little confused and feel heartbroken for some reason. Part of me is convinced that it’s over, and that she just wants to be friends. I read the 'Just Friends' thread below, and this side of me believes every word. Every other time I’ve broken up with someone, there’s always been that cool-down period where both parties go their separate ways, and I think it’s healthy, as it allows wounds to heal. My wounds are still open, as is my heart to her, and I want to get back together, but I understand that for us to have a chance to work long-term, this break was necessary. I have no intention of seeing other people, she’s the only thing I want, but at the same time I don’t want to be put on the back burner. So I’m just confused. Part of me wants to just continue as it is, take it slow, and be friends with her, hoping that what she says is true, and maybe in the future we can be together. The realistic side of me tells me that we’ve broken up, we’re just friends and may very well never get back together so I should just get over her. This side tells me that there was a hidden agenda in breaking up with me, and that despite sugar-coating it, she has no intention of getting back together with me. I’m having a very hard time getting over her when I’m still hanging out with her, because I deeply love this girl, but the fact that I care so much about her wants me to be there for her as a friend. And I know that not hanging out with her at all would pretty much destroy our friendship as well as any possibility of getting back together. I want to believe her. I want to believe she wants to get back together. But part of me is simply shaking it’s little head, giving me a look that says: You’re just setting yourself up for further heartache…she’s gone, deal with it. I hope this makes sense.

 

Any thoughts on how I should handle this?

[Puma]

ok first of all take a hold of yourself and relax..i know that may seem a lil difficult to do, considering whats goin on in your life, but youre gonna have to take control of yourself. ok now, ur situation happens a lot actually so dont feel alone in this..we are here to help ya out. this is free advice man..where else can you get taht besides a fortune cookie and a cracker jack box?? haha

 

1. what you have to do is pull back from her. why? because she has pushed you away so instead of chasing her like you most likely want to do..you must learn to pull back further. its psychological my friend! the more you chase her the more she will resist and push you away

 

2. be busy! go on with your usual life, see friends, go out, work, participate in hobbies/activities. this will keep your mind off of things and it will let her know taht you are confident enough to do as you want without her. it will create a challenge that no woman can resist. women like men that have lives of their own!! repeat that over and over

 

3. you gonna have to act aloof/indifferent; let her reach you..and when she does dont be at her convenience. since you are no longer together romantically the rules have changed..you are not obligated to answer her calls, you dont have to go see her when she says so, you dont have to do ANYTHING for HER but say good luck. i can bet that because things moved so quickly with you two..that you became boring to her. yes that right BORING. if you did things and developed a routine..then for sure you were doomed for disaster. you must be unpredictable when it comes to women..they love anticipation and spontaneity.

 

4. you can do this..jsut think about it and practice it

[Marshbear]

I think you need to chill for awile and let her miss you. Woman are funny and she might just be scared because of the fast pace your relationship progressed and needs time to understand it.

At the same time I would try to go on with your life in case she decides she can live without you and don't be at her beck and call. If it is love then things will work out if not be prepared to move on without her.

[EvolvingSiddhartha]

Understood. I'll keep my distance and see what happens. Thanks you two.