tulip777 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I am seeking some guidance on what to do. I carried on a 2 month affair with my one of my close friend's husband who is also friends with my husband. This all came out the day after Christmas. I no longer talk to my friend or the guy I had the affair with, my husband has decided to forgive me (God bless his soul) and we are trying to rebuild our marriage. The reason I am posting today is for your guidance. I have apologized to my friend. But she is determined to ruin my life since she feels as though I have ruined hers. She has told anyone and everyone she knows about this affair, told my husband's siblings, and has posted nasty things on FB, instagram and who knows where else. Although I feel horrible for what I have done to her, I truly feel sorry for my husband who has to deal with this because of what I have done. He has asked me not to associate with her and not to talk to her at all, and asked me not to reconcile even if she wanted to. She recently reached out wanting to talk. What should I do? Do I honor my husband's wishes, or do I reach out to her and give her a chance to speak her mind to help her heal from this? Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I'd suggest you readdress it with your H. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 You talk to your husband about it. Then figure it out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I think you should talk to your husband about it and do what he wants, but even if he were by chance say that you could talk to her, I really think it's a very bad idea. You will only hurt her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I don't think it's a good idea. I think it will hurt both you and her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Talk to your husband first. If he doesn't want you to talk to her than don't. He comes before her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 "He has asked me not to associate with her and not to talk to her at all, and asked me not to reconcile even if she wanted to". Your husband has made his boundaries very clear on this very dilemma. Respect that if you want to respect the R process. Neither you or the BS can undo the damage that has been done and both of you need to focus on your marriage if R is what you want. A friendship is not reasonable. Going behind your H's back and against his clearly spoken wishes is still participating in the A in some way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I agree with the notion of respecting your husband; that's probably got to be paramount. That said, making an attempt to make things right with her speaks to true remorse on your part and that may help everyone involved, including your H. Personally, I would have respected my wayward wife more if she had made any attempts to help the other BS heal. I think it's a reasonable thing to ask him. I can also respect that he doesn't ultimately want you to get all chummy with her as it'll just be a trigger for him every time you interact. In the end, I'd let him have the vote on this since he didn't get some critical votes earlier. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I think you should discuss this with your husband. What do you think she wants to speak to you about? I mean what else is their? Maybe she needs closure. I would be curious but leery. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Can't blame her for outing the affair to all. What you did to her devestated her. Your actions caused her deep pain, and the fact that you were a "close" friend...double whammy. Your actions caused all this. Saying she is 'determined to ruin your life' is not accurate - but what you did to her, is most likely unforgiveable in her mind. Talk to your H. Are you sorry about the affair or just getting caught? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Why not let your H speak to her on your behalf and maybe he can tell her how her antics are affecting him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I am seeking some guidance on what to do. I carried on a 2 month affair with my one of my close friend's husband who is also friends with my husband. This all came out the day after Christmas. I no longer talk to my friend or the guy I had the affair with, my husband has decided to forgive me (God bless his soul) and we are trying to rebuild our marriage. The reason I am posting today is for your guidance. I have apologized to my friend. But she is determined to ruin my life since she feels as though I have ruined hers. She has told anyone and everyone she knows about this affair, told my husband's siblings, and has posted nasty things on FB, instagram and who knows where else. Although I feel horrible for what I have done to her, I truly feel sorry for my husband who has to deal with this because of what I have done. He has asked me not to associate with her and not to talk to her at all, and asked me not to reconcile even if she wanted to. She recently reached out wanting to talk. What should I do? Do I honor my husband's wishes, or do I reach out to her and give her a chance to speak her mind to help her heal from this? Thank you so much. Yes, your honour your husband's wishes. Though you can bring it up to him and ask him if he will go with you to speak to her, possibly he'll say yes. If he says no then you need to respect his decision. Though, with all her anger and outing the affair publicly, not sure if it would be a good idea to have a face to face with her. Maybe through email or a phone call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 You will never be friends with her again. I think communicating with her would be a big mistake, give the wishes of your husband. Keep your promise and move on from the affair. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 well, seems to me he's made it perfectly clear how you should address the situation: "He has asked me not to associate with her and not to talk to her at all, and asked me not to reconcile even if she wanted to." i think that any further contact with this couple will be detriment to your reconciliation efforts. Link to post Share on other sites
Pretywoman Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I agreed to some of the rest said tell your husband so he knows he is in the loop. Why is she reaching you after what she had done. If she needs to talk she should have settled it during which you apologised to her. Her actions were the act of childishness. She didnt realize that by spreading and bad mouthing you and HER HUSBAND it was actually reflecting on her as well as a wife. The conclusion is she was not a good wife that was why her husband stray! Link to post Share on other sites
Cavallier Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Strikes me that you are still of the mindset of having your cake and eating it. Your husband has said no but you're still trying to find a way of getting what you want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 The same way she had no control over your actions with her h, and the pain that caused, you can't control her actions. She has to live with what you did, you have to deal with how she chooses to react to her life blowing up. This is what nobody considers during the knocking of the boots - the truly ugly painful consequences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redrock1 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I am seeking some guidance on what to do. I carried on a 2 month affair with my one of my close friend's husband who is also friends with my husband. This all came out the day after Christmas. I no longer talk to my friend or the guy I had the affair with, my husband has decided to forgive me (God bless his soul) and we are trying to rebuild our marriage. The reason I am posting today is for your guidance. I have apologized to my friend. But she is determined to ruin my life since she feels as though I have ruined hers. She has told anyone and everyone she knows about this affair, told my husband's siblings, and has posted nasty things on FB, instagram and who knows where else. Although I feel horrible for what I have done to her, I truly feel sorry for my husband who has to deal with this because of what I have done. He has asked me not to associate with her and not to talk to her at all, and asked me not to reconcile even if she wanted to. She recently reached out wanting to talk. What should I do? Do I honor my husband's wishes, or do I reach out to her and give her a chance to speak her mind to help her heal from this? Thank you so much. Hi tulip~ Well, that's definitely a really hard situation to be in. But I'm glad to hear you and your husband seem to be working things out and your marriage is on the mend. As far as what to do here, I wondered if you've been seeing a counselor with your husband? That can really make a huge difference in healing a marriage after an affair. And, if you have been talking with someone, this may be something that would be good to bounce off them and see whether they think you should address this with your friend or not. But, hopefully, in time things will settle down and your friend will be able to let this go and at least stop posting things like you mentioned. In the meantime, hang in there. You'll be in my prayers! redrock1 #girlluvs2garden# Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Your H said no, I would respect that and don't even consider talking to her. Just for honesty and transparency, I would tell him she has contacted you and you have not responded and have no intention of doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I am seeking some guidance on what to do. I carried on a 2 month affair with my one of my close friend's husband who is also friends with my husband. This all came out the day after Christmas. I no longer talk to my friend or the guy I had the affair with, my husband has decided to forgive me (God bless his soul) and we are trying to rebuild our marriage. The reason I am posting today is for your guidance. I have apologized to my friend. But she is determined to ruin my life since she feels as though I have ruined hers. She has told anyone and everyone she knows about this affair, told my husband's siblings, and has posted nasty things on FB, instagram and who knows where else. Although I feel horrible for what I have done to her, I truly feel sorry for my husband who has to deal with this because of what I have done. He has asked me not to associate with her and not to talk to her at all, and asked me not to reconcile even if she wanted to. She recently reached out wanting to talk. What should I do? Do I honor my husband's wishes, or do I reach out to her and give her a chance to speak her mind to help her heal from this? Thank you so much. I personally think that she was your "friend" so I think you kind of owe it to her to at least have a conversation with her. She is wrong for slandering you but it kind of drives you nutty to realize the people/person you trusted the MOST would betray you in such a way. I cannot even imagine if both my bff and DH had betrayed me by having an A. That is just too much. I don't think you should reconcile with her even if she wants to. Too many lines have been crossed with her husband and you and you two should not be around each other ever again (IMHO). I hope you have gone to therapy to determine why you allowed yourself to cross such a dangerous line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I agreed to some of the rest said tell your husband so he knows he is in the loop. Why is she reaching you after what she had done. If she needs to talk she should have settled it during which you apologised to her. Her actions were the act of childishness. She didnt realize that by spreading and bad mouthing you and HER HUSBAND it was actually reflecting on her as well as a wife. The conclusion is she was not a good wife that was why her husband stray! What?? How is this even possible. How is the conclusion made that she is/was not a good wife because her husband had an A? Broken ppl have affairs. Whether a M is good or bad a healthy person does not lie and cheat on their partner and start a new relationship in the dark with another person. Healthy ppl fix their M or get out and start a new relationship before they cheat. How can a person be responsible for the choices that a grown adult makes? A spouse cannot be blamed for their partner cheating. That's ridiculous thinking. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I agreed to some of the rest said tell your husband so he knows he is in the loop. Why is she reaching you after what she had done. If she needs to talk she should have settled it during which you apologised to her. Her actions were the act of childishness. She didnt realize that by spreading and bad mouthing you and HER HUSBAND it was actually reflecting on her as well as a wife. The conclusion is she was not a good wife that was why her husband stray! This is a load of BS (not blind spouse). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Tell your H that she reached out and if he agrees that its okay to speak with her than go for it. Just be prepared for anything to go down because she seems very angry (respectively so). If she comes across as stand offish and violent I'd walk away and cut off contact/ties with her for good. You have acknowledged that what you did was wrong and need to move on from it. This is your past and you don't live there anymore. Its time to start the healing process and to work on your marriage. Thank goodness you have such a forgiving H who is willing to ride this out with you. I wish you both the best! Link to post Share on other sites
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