Otter2569 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Any advise on being a step parent to a teenager? I have not proposed yet but am very nervous about being a step parent and am quite happy being the steady BF. Her daughter is 15 and a freshman in HS. Honestly her daughter is a great kid but much more dramatic, outspoken and mature than my two boys. There are also instances of jealousy between her and I (that would be the daughter jealous of her mom and I being together). The kid can also be rude and pretty lazy when it comes to helping out around the house. I know its typical teenage crap but still...it is just starting and I have no experience with that. I keep my mouth shut but I know it wouldn't be able to hold back if we were all together under one roof. I would prefer to wait to get married until the kids are out of high school. As the BF its much more tolerable - plus I have my own place as a refuge. I worry that the daughter would end up coming between us based on some of the things I witness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I like how much thought you're putting into this, being a step-parent can be really hard work! I think your idea of waiting till high school is done is a sensible one. My fiance is living with my 16yo and I. My son is pretty much the only friction we have in our relationship due to his volitile personality. It's come close to wrecking things for us a couple of times, my man is very patient and tolerant plus we have a weekend place only a few minutes away that he, I or the two of us can escape to if need-be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I do not have a kids. I dated one guy who had a teenaged son. I left the parenting of his kid to him. I viewed myself more as a responsible adult in the kid's life who had some obligations for the kid's safety & well being. Meaning I made sure there was food for him to eat, a bed for him to sleep in, clean clothes & he wasn't doing anything that could get him hurt. You probably need to have a long talk or a series of long talks with your GF / future FI about expectations & parenting roles. You two must be united or this will never work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 My GF is amazing and we belong together but I can see that it will not be an easy process when I look at the parenting aspect. Her daughter and my kids are about the same age (2 boys) but she is much more spirited and outspoken. My GF will almost always reel her in when she crosses the line but the fact is that the kid is like crumbs in your bed - always lets you know she is there by making some difficult comment or remark. Forget the lazy factor - like doing NOTHING except some occasional laundry. I dont think she knows what a trash can is because she leaves all her garbage on the counter top. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Mrs Rubble, be thankful that you have a place to escape to. I guess there is also the light at the end of the tunnel even though the teenage years can seem like a life time. I keep saying that after the kids are gone we should buy a house with 1 spare bedroom and put a futon in there. The kids can visit but they are NOT moving back in 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 My GF is amazing and we belong together but I can see that it will not be an easy process when I look at the parenting aspect. Her daughter and my kids are about the same age (2 boys) but she is much more spirited and outspoken. My GF will almost always reel her in when she crosses the line but the fact is that the kid is like crumbs in your bed - always lets you know she is there by making some difficult comment or remark. Forget the lazy factor - like doing NOTHING except some occasional laundry. I dont think she knows what a trash can is because she leaves all her garbage on the counter top. You sound pretty judgmental of her daughter and her parenting. Can you let it go? You're not going to change her/them. Your GF is a more laid back parent than you, and her style has advantages and disadvantages just as yours does. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Otter, I never had kids and was really surprised when I agreed to start dating this guy who had three teenage kids (then 10, 13, 14). His online profile stated emphatically that he had his kids 50% of the time and that he had a Nanny so he wasn't looking for a Stepmom for them. Up until that time, I deliberately avoided ANY man who had children as I saw them as a hindrance to my future happiness. Boy, was I ever surprised when I actually got along with his kids. And even more surprised when they got along with me. When it became apparent that we were moving beyond the dating standpoint to something serious, I put more energy into my relationships with his kids; one-on-ones with them to strengthen the bond and learn more about them. I also had lengthy discussions with my then-BF about parenting style. I didn't want to impose edicts that would contradict anything already set in place. We would talk about issues - like cleaning and homework - and what I had a right to tell them to do, etc. We set up ground rules and my guy made it very clear to the kids that if I asked/told them to do something, they had to do it. In the beginning, I was texting my BF ahead-of-time to clear the chain of command so that there would be no confusion later. This helped me since I had never done any parenting and wanted to be a positive influence in their life versus an unwelcome force. Ultimately, the eldest (now 17) lives with his mother full time - which is fine because he is a special-needs child and more than I could have handled anyway. And we have the other two (B13, G16) on alternate weeks. And he has fired the Nanny. I would work on building the relationship with the teen and involving her in the process of the marriage. My now-husband did that with his kids. He checked with them before proposing and we kept them very involved in our small ceremony (you read that part in your other thread). Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 XXOO, I dont think "judgmental" is a fair assessment but from a text or two who can accurately describe or assess a situation, right? My point being there are different personalities and any cohabitation will be an adjustment for everyone. People say I am very laid back but I have standards and expectations. We need to guide our kids to become responsible adults. At 15 leaving a sink full of dishes for your mom and empty icecream containers or used paper plates on the counter top when the garbage can is 3 feet away is unacceptable. Not my place to say anything and I dont. There is also a little history with the daughter and I. She has exhibited jealousy and has deliberately and outwardly tried to cause friction in the past. At times we laugh and joke and its wonderful. At times she says or does things that indicate she still has an issue with us. I walk on egg shells if its just her and I in the same house. In fact I try to avoid being there if its going to be just the two of us. I am as uncomfortable as she is and as concerned as she is...maybe thats my connection and starting point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Carrie, great advise from someone that has been there. My kids are more go with the flow or at least they have not voiced any concerns or acted out. Hers are more outspoken and critical. Different dynamics but it seems to work and the kids all get a long great which is a huge plus. Occasionally the daughter will make "us vs them" comments that makes me wonder if she is really ok with things so from my perspective I see her as a potential threat that will upset our delicate balance. I really like your approach! Link to post Share on other sites
redrock1 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Any advise on being a step parent to a teenager? I have not proposed yet but am very nervous about being a step parent and am quite happy being the steady BF. Her daughter is 15 and a freshman in HS. Honestly her daughter is a great kid but much more dramatic, outspoken and mature than my two boys. There are also instances of jealousy between her and I (that would be the daughter jealous of her mom and I being together). The kid can also be rude and pretty lazy when it comes to helping out around the house. I know its typical teenage crap but still...it is just starting and I have no experience with that. I keep my mouth shut but I know it wouldn't be able to hold back if we were all together under one roof. I would prefer to wait to get married until the kids are out of high school. As the BF its much more tolerable - plus I have my own place as a refuge. I worry that the daughter would end up coming between us based on some of the things I witness. Hi there~ Well, that's definitely a tough situation to be in if your GF's kids (or just daughter) are not on board with your relationship. But my first thought was to wonder if your GF has had the chance to sit down with her daughter and talk with her about some of the struggles she has with the two of you? Even just getting her to say exactly how she would feel if the two of you were to get married may be helpful. At least that may prepare her a bit more for the future and help you get everything out on the table. Of course, if she's really having a hard time with this, your GF may want to consider some family counseling if she hasn't already. Sometimes kids can really have a hard time adjusting after a divorce or remarriage, and talking with a professional can make a huge difference. Along those lines, as you're considering whether the two of you should take the next step to get married, you may also want to consider some premarital counseling. I'm sure a therapist could help you determine whether marriage is a good idea at this point. So, just some things to think about. Hope they help! redrock1 #girlluvs2garden# Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Thanks Red! I know they have talked on at least one occasion and she told her that we have a serious relationship and that she better knock it off (not in those exact words). We have also take steps to include her in things (movies, going out to dinner) but she always declines. I think it would be good to have these talks again if trouble spots pick up or if we get to that serious next step phase. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 She's acting out. That's all it is. My sister did the same thing to my step-mom and eventually outgrew it. Puberty, adolescence and the change in her life dynamic is causing all of this. So whatever she is doing now, is compounded by 1,000 JUST BECAUSE TEENAGER. I agree with your choice of waiting til after high school, but is SHE okay with that line of thought? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Great point Diezel. I try and keep that in perspective also. She acts this way to her mom too. It's new territory for me so I sit back and try not to get too rattled but in the back of my mind I could see it being a real problem if it escalated. We live in different towns, each have homes and have kids in high school so its not as easy as "lets get married". I am also looking to change jobs. We know it will take some time to work everything out but our plan is to be together. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I commend you for being insightful to the family dynamic. You realize you are stepping into some big shoes. You will have some positive influence with this teen. Treat her as you want to be treated. Simple directives and a tone that matches confidence. Maintain healthy boundaries. Respect her privacy. And she should regard your position in the family as Her mothers Chosen one Being able to share with your soon to be spouse your strengths...it could enhance the family dynamics! Maybe you are the better listener or the more diplomatic person...whatever your strength is...Use it to Help the family unit. Just plum pleased that you care enough to want to succeed in being a positive role model. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Otter? Can you update on her parenting skills? Noticed that she has other children that seem to be troubled teens, early adults (a son?) . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 She has another daughter (23) who is out of the house and a son (20) off in college. It sounds like each kid turned into a nightmare when they their teens. My GF does a very good job of parenting from what I see. She is not too strict and not too lenient. She has frank, open conversations with her kids. She lets them know about whats going on, concerns etc. I would call her tough but fair and loving. The only thing I see is that she does not get tough enough at times. I say this because her kids push back on her, whine, plead, say they will do it any how etc where as my kids accept that no is no. It sounds like the older girl turned into a raving bitch but also hung out with a tough crowd so she really clamped down on her. This kid moved out at 18. The son played sports and was a good responsible kid until around 17 when he started drinking and partying. She threw him out this summer after his drinking, smoking pot, free loading and disrespectful behavior became too much. The 15 y/o is a good student, plays sports and is very social but like the others is out spoken, spirited and starting to test the limits. Her friends are all good kids too - from what I can see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 A few things I see is that the 15 y/o is out with her friends a lot (by my standards) but her mom sets limits,yells when she is late, asks who she is with and talks about boys and drinking. The girl is also pretty open with her mom talking about boys, friends etc. Also that the kid is lazy by my standards. They do not have a dishwasher so my GF or I do the dishes. The girl leaves plates of half eaten food, cups with milk and wrappers / empty containers on the counter top. My thought is: put uneaten food in the garbage can, rinse your plates and cups out, throw out your trash. Why should her mom or I scrape your plate and put your garbage in the trash? The garbage can is 2 feet away FYI The home stuff is mostly attention to detail like picking up after yourself, turning off lights and dishes. So far I have elected to observe the dynamic and keep my mouth shut. Im not sure exactly how to address this. Another situation is when her mom says no to something she wants. If its important enough the girl goes around her to her father - who typically but not always supports the mom. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Also that the kid is lazy by my standards. They do not have a dishwasher so my GF or I do the dishes. The girl leaves plates of half eaten food, cups with milk and wrappers / empty containers on the counter top. My thought is: put uneaten food in the garbage can, rinse your plates and cups out, throw out your trash. Why should her mom or I scrape your plate and put your garbage in the trash? The garbage can is 2 feet away FYI The home stuff is mostly attention to detail like picking up after yourself, turning off lights and dishes. So far I have elected to observe the dynamic and keep my mouth shut. Im not sure exactly how to address this. How was it when her other kids were teens? This sounds like me and my teen. I consider this "small stuff" (messes, dishes left out), and I don't fight that battle. H (her father) feels the same. On the weekends, we make sure she participates in cleaning something, but we don't insist on being tidy all week. Heck, WE aren't tidy all week! So it would be an adjustment if a new man moved in and wanted my kid to suddenly be tidy. Frankly, I'd have a hard time fighting that battle with my kid for a man. I probably wouldn't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 A few things I see is that the 15 y/o is out with her friends a lot (by my standards) but her mom sets limits,yells when she is late, asks who she is with and talks about boys and drinking. The girl is also pretty open with her mom talking about boys, friends etc. Also that the kid is lazy by my standards. They do not have a dishwasher so my GF or I do the dishes. The girl leaves plates of half eaten food, cups with milk and wrappers / empty containers on the counter top. My thought is: put uneaten food in the garbage can, rinse your plates and cups out, throw out your trash. Why should her mom or I scrape your plate and put your garbage in the trash? The garbage can is 2 feet away FYI The home stuff is mostly attention to detail like picking up after yourself, turning off lights and dishes. So far I have elected to observe the dynamic and keep my mouth shut. Im not sure exactly how to address this. Another situation is when her mom says no to something she wants. If its important enough the girl goes around her to her father - who typically but not always supports the mom. Hmmmm.....Sounds like yelling and saying NO doesn't work. Try asserting some positive statements, Like, YES you can do the dishes , and Yes you can be home by such and such a time. This takes out the negative. Sometimes even allowing them to be apart of the solution can be a positive. My Dad was smooth when it came to placing topics on the table for discussion and working them out maturely. There were always guidelines for discussion and neither side could raise their voice and play the "because I'm the parent card". Instead it was "lets hear your view point and see where it goes" attitude. I've yet to see a parent "win" when yelling is involved. All it does is dominate the situation and leaves the Young adult feeling they have zero empowerment. The more "yes" attitude , the more they seem to sense you have considered their side. Save the "No's" for the serious times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) Interesting points of view. My GF is more of a yeller and says exactly what she is thinking -which I give her credit for. Many times I will think something then tone it down or sugar coat it. I'd say the situation (past & present) were power struggles. I was not around for the other kids - just when the son was home from college last summer. IMO she had every right to move him out (Excessive drinking, smoking pot, live in GF, never lifted a finger to help and was verbally disrespectful when confronted)...plus he had an apartment at college to live at. For now I am not going to say anything about the mess but IMO its not right to leave plates of half eaten food and empty containers out (from her and her friends) for some one else to pick up. I try to help around the house but when I see the mess I want to just leave her **** on the counter top. It only takes a second to put it in the garbage can and it feels disrespectful to me. Edited February 26, 2015 by Otter2569 Link to post Share on other sites
redrock1 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks Red! I know they have talked on at least one occasion and she told her that we have a serious relationship and that she better knock it off (not in those exact words). We have also take steps to include her in things (movies, going out to dinner) but she always declines. I think it would be good to have these talks again if trouble spots pick up or if we get to that serious next step phase. Thanks for the update! Well, it sounds like you guys are on the right track. Hopefully, it will start making a difference! redrock1 #girlluvs2garden# Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Its all probably normal stuff for a teenage girl but its all new and different to me. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I have a 13 yo son and my BF doesn't have children. We haven't been dating long enough, just close to 9 months now, but we know we want to be together. However, because of issues that we expect to have if we lived with my son (and concerns regarding location of his job, my job and son's school) we decided not to get married (or move in, for me it doesn't really matter if it's legal or not at my age) until son is 18. Long time, but at this point we want to avoid pressures on either relationship, him to have alone time, me to have space to parent without other interventions, my son to not to have a step father in the house. I don't expect teenage years to go smoothly. We already started to have the usual power struggles. It's been like a light turne on. Bam, 13 and we start to argue more. Better not to have the pressure of keeping a marriage at this time. If you could hold off as a steady BF for 3 more years, maybe that would be best for everyone, including your relationship. Children, especially teenage children put a lot of pressure on a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Hi Otter, I married my H when my DD from a previous M was 9yo. DD wasn't particularly "on board" but she was accepting. It was sweet but on our Wedding Day he presented her with a ring too as a commitment to do his best. H didn't have children of his own then but within that year we'd had twins. Plus another DD later. The teen years were CRAZY! H struggled with everything and there were and are many double standards imposed by him. He gets those now at least. The best advice I gave H was to be her adult friend, NOT to be her parent. She already had 2 parents. Certainly her biological father was pretty much out of the picture. Anyhow we survived. She's 22yo now and with her own family. H always called eldest DD his daughter and he always says he has 4 children and a grandson. We didn't like the terms "step" or "half" when describing the relationships in our family. For us this did more to segregate / alienate members rather than bring cohesion. If I were you and it's a great relationship living separately. I'd wait to get married until the kids either leave home or turn a certain age. It puts alot of unhappy strain on a relationship and I just don't see the point really. Good luck Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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