Just need honest s

[Mygibby]

Long story short. Just hit 10 years married and we have had our share of problems. I have my own issues that my wife can't stand and the same for me with her.We are separated emotionally and I'm getting my own ace at the end of the month. I don't want this but I can't seem to figure out what my wife needs and she will not tell me.

She has said I am unsupportive. I asked for an example. It was that I get off work a few hours earlier than her and I never make supper. My response was, I have made supper, you complained. I have volunteered to make supper and lunches for her and our daughter only to be told "no" she would do it. I have tried harder than ever in the last year since we had split up a year and a half ago and got back together. I have always respected her "girl time" and in the last year she has had 4 out of town weekend trips with her girl friends. A golf trip with the girls. 4 weeks off in the summer (2 were unpaid, which we agreed upon) probably 4 overnights at a girlfriends place a week in Mexico with me and a week in cour d'alene with the family.

I supported all of this, how can someone think this is unsupportive??

 

 

I ask what the issue is when she is mad at me, I try to come across caring and not like a jerk but she says I come across like a jerk anyway.

I'm calm during fights trying to get to the bottom of the issue and she is the one yelling, name calling etc. I DO NOT want to fight in front of our daughter but we still do. I would catch **** when I waited until our daughter went to bed.

Last year when we got back together(we went to counseling once, then she quit) we had sex about one a week for the next few months( it was awesome) before and after that it was at best once a month. Part of that is my fault for not being romantic enough. However, even when I was romantic just because I loved her It was like nothing happened.

 

 

My sisters and mother and caused issues with us and I have distanced us from them to try an keep " my family" together.

 

 

Right now u am talking to a counsellor and she is seeing one as well. I have said I want to see one together and she just says "she is going for her, not US"

I respect that and told her I was proud of her for going.

 

 

I know I "push" a lot but it's usually because I don't get an answer or I need an explanation.

 

 

I'm curious to what other people think. I wrote this as honestly as I could with no emotional adlib involved.

Thanks

[LoveMyCat]

It is much worse to try to force someone to talk to you, tell you their feelings etc...than just being as good a partner as you can. No one likes to be "badgered" all the time. It sounds like you are driving her away with your questions and need for more info all the time. Most people will clam up and pull away, if they feel pressured.

 

If she is agreeable to your moving out, that means she wants you to move out. She may not tell you all of the "whys". We don't always get the satisfaction of explanations, even if we feel we deserve them. That is just a fact of life.

 

If she really won't go to any counseling with you, you are not going to be able to save the marriage...unless she decides she wants you back all of a sudden, on her own, and is determined to make it work. But you can't force her to want you, or even to talk with you. Sad but true.

[Mygibby]

LoveMyCat,

Thank you for the reply. You are very right and made so much sense. I do pressure her no wonder she clams up. I have to move out as living in my basement is not healthy for us or our child. Space will do us good, it will give us time to figure out what we want and I won't be breathing down her neck...

Somehow,

If we go to counseling maybe, we can figure out how to deal with problems.

Thanks again.

[Movingforward2]

It's tough my friend. I divorced 18 months ago, after 10 years, and it's been and up and down roller coaster as well. I can't give you an answer, but just do what you thinks best......As many on here, we all started out pestering, questioning, etc....hell, I'm in sales, and have asked every closing question in the book. It doesn't work.....you aren't going to get any answers, and the ones you get are a bunch of _____ cause they don't know the answer either. They are hurt, scared, confused and don't know which way to go. The encouraging thing is that she is going to see an counselor.

 

U just got to back off if you really want it to work...and trust me, I've got the same problem.....and if you can't do that living there, then move out. Having a kid (or in my case 2) makes it excrutiating.......I've done the same off and on thing forever.....and I still haven't figured it out. If they could just let their guard down it would be so much easier! LOL. Everytime I think I'm getting forward, I go right back......same with her.

 

Like you, I didn't want to waste 10 years of my life to go over and start over with someone else.....and the whole stepdad/boyfriend deal makes me sick.

[Mygibby]

Movingforward2, thanks for the input. It helps. I talk to a counsellor but I have only been bitching about her. I need to figure out how to treat her in a way tht makes her happy. (If only they would tell you...) like you said let your gaurd down so I can do what you need. I've been hurt by her too. I guess we just deal with things differently, if we can somehow deal with that fact we could get along.The boyfriend/ stepdad thing....NIGHTMARE! Especially the stepdad, if that ever happened.

[kenmore]

My sympathies for what they are worth.

 

As I was reading your post I had to pause a moment because one thing you said brought back a memory of the very early days of our separation (it didn't fix things for us, but it did make me think.)

 

I was struggling to figure out why we were breaking up. I had reached out to a counselor online and spilled my guts trying to figure out why we were breaking up and he told me: I gave him the answer. In my post to him I had mentioned that she said she had lost respect for me as a man because I was unable to get a good job. He told me quite simply that was why she wanted the divorce. Somehow I never put two and two together. Even though she told me that outright, I still didn't know why she was breaking up with me! Duh!

 

Now in your post, you said you asked her for an example and she gave you one. The real key here is listening. Don't try to figure out a grand puzzle or see the big picture, she wants you to make f*cking dinner! Often!

 

Even if it sucks. Even if you are the worst cook in the world (you will improve and do your best), it will make her happier because she doesn't have to f*cking do it! Get out the damned tongs and flip a steak or make coq au vin. turn her on by putting in that effort.

 

If nothing else, you will learn how to cook for yourself and if it makes her happy, maybe it will de-fuse your issues.

 

Keep it simple, stupid (KISS). Not to imply you're stupid, but you get it.

 

Ken

[lolablue17]

When there's a will from both sides, you can pass through even the worst fights.

 

But what you described here is indifference. Of the will is not mutual, there's nothing you can do about it. The only thing you CAN do, is to recognize the situation, and maybe the situation is - "it's over".

 

none of you deserves to live in an unhappy marriage.

[whichwayisup]

For the sake of your child, you two need marriage counseling. If anything, just to learn to co parent together IF there is a divorce.

 

It's a shame to throw away the marriage without trying to fix it or give each other a chance to see if it will work with lots of effort by you and your wife.

[Mygibby]

Kenmore, I did make supper and I did say I was going to make supper and lunches for her and our daughter. Over and over again she either complained or said no, she would do it. I made the effort over and over again until finally she snapped and yelled at me to stop. So I did. She has even said that no matter what I do, it probably won't be right in her eyes anyway. So I was doomed from the start.

 

Whichwayisup, I do want to go to counseling together. But she is going for her right now and that is good. She has anger issues(self admitted) and blames everyone else for her problems.(again self admitted) so if not for US and our marriage for our child.

 

I can almost guarantee that if she won't go for US than there is no way in hell she will go for our child. She just doesn't think like that.