Affair Partner broke it off - I feel sick

[obtuseedge]

I am a married man. I am in my mid 30s, my wife and I have been together for a decade. Our relationship for the last few years have been ok, but it has been without passion. We've pretty much settled into our routines.

 

Last year in June, a new colleague joined our office. She was an extremely beautiful woman, kind, and intelligent. We started to partner in a project, which was arranged by a third party, and the chemistry between us was extremely intense. She was also married, but I eventually came to find out that her husband was very emotionally abusive and suffered from substance abuse issues. We eventually became extremely close and we communicated throughout the days, every day. I honestly have to say that I never loved any one so deeply.

 

It was an emotional affair for a very long time, until late November, which crossed the physical line. However, though we came close, we never had sex. Eventually she decided to file for legal separation from her husband and through many battles which I supported her emotionally in, they finally split. She had wanted us to be together, but I told her that I couldn't leave my wife, because I cared deeply for her even though our marriage did not have passion.

 

As of yesterday, she told me that she wants to break the affair off. She wants to continue to be close but not in a romantic way. I understand why she is doing this, however, it doesn't change the fact that I feel extreme pain and grief inside. I have thought about leaving my wife, but honestly, I care very deeply for my wife and I want to take care of her, and leaving her would destroy her. I am also aware of the issue of affair fog and am afraid I am not thinking with my right mind.

 

I am not here to ask for forgiveness or to get lectured, I just feel extreme pain right now and I need to let it out.

[minimariah]

hello!

 

well... you already decided to stay with your wife, is that really your final decision? i'm sorry you're going through all the pain... and i'm also sorry to tell you that it probably won't go away soon. it takes time to get over it and i would suggest you go no contact (if leaving your wife really isn't an option) with the other woman, communicate with her ONLY when necessary - it makes grieving so much easier.

 

you're going through a difficult time and well... i don't think you can really do anything to make things better. i know it hurts and it will continue to hurt until you heal and move on, unfortunately.

 

sending you hugs.

[Rainbowlove]

I was where you are...torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool.

 

You have to choose one or the other. There is no way around the pain. It's a lose lose situation.

 

I chose my wife and family. We have been together for two decades. Our boy is only 4.

 

I struggle still with missing my XAP. The love was deep, the passion like never experienced before.

 

Think long and hard. There is no easy choice. I don't regret choosing my wife and family, it's just been a long road towards healing.

 

You wife is not aware of this OW?

[Babs22]

Hi. Sorry to hear about your story. I am sure there are many here who feel your pain. I commend you for being honest with your AP about your feelings with regards to your wife. If you feel that strongly about your wife, then your AP is doing you a favor by ending your relationship. You are committed to your wife. Go home and figure out how to re-ignite the passion between the two of you. My OM was not that honest with me until we had been together over a year. Wish he had told me immediately. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. Ending a relationship is never easy, it hurts like hell. I think time is the best healer. You have made your choice and your AP has respected that choice. Focus on your wife now.

 

Good luck.

[obtuseedge]

hello!

 

well... you already decided to stay with your wife, is that really your final decision? i'm sorry you're going through all the pain... and i'm also sorry to tell you that it probably won't go away soon. it takes time to get over it and i would suggest you go no contact (if leaving your wife really isn't an option) with the other woman, communicate with her ONLY when necessary - it makes grieving so much easier.

 

you're going through a difficult time and well... i don't think you can really do anything to make things better. i know it hurts and it will continue to hurt until you heal and move on, unfortunately.

 

sending you hugs.

 

Thank you. I'm staying with my wife because I really love her as a person, even if I feel like she's become just a good friend. I can't imagine not taking care of her through the years, and making sure she is doing ok. I think about her being left alone and not being able to take care of her, and it makes me sick.

 

The problem is that this woman that I fell in love with, I honestly feel like she may be my soul mate. We really connect at all levels, and we feel intense happiness, joy and chemistry when we are together. Yes, I will admit that I've been extremely addicted to her, and that is hard to relinquish.

 

Anyways, I have been trying to cut off contact with her, but she actually wants us to continue to be best friends, but just not be romantic. She tells me she is sorting out her divorce and her husband is acting very crazy and causing a lot of drama, and that combined with the frustration she felt at being the Other Woman when I spent Valentine's day with my wife and pretty much went MIA, is what spurred her decision. I can understand all this yet it doesn't alleviate the pain. This situation is pure torture.

 

Honestly, I've never cheated in my past relationships. This is the very first affair I've ever had, and it's been torturous. When I started to have these feelings for her, I wanted to leave our project situation but we both landed a giant project that was essential for our careers and neither of us could leave it. Feelings grew, and only because she was an absolutely exceptional person, both in personality, beauty and our chemistry, that I ended up in this situation. Yet it has been nothing short of torture. I truly wish I could leave her and this situation behind, yet I cannot leave this project. I will still need to communicate with her.

[obtuseedge]

Hi. Sorry to hear about your story. I am sure there are many here who feel your pain. I commend you for being honest with your AP about your feelings with regards to your wife. If you feel that strongly about your wife, then your AP is doing you a favor by ending your relationship. You are committed to your wife. Go home and figure out how to re-ignite the passion between the two of you. My OM was not that honest with me until we had been together over a year. Wish he had told me immediately. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. Ending a relationship is never easy, it hurts like hell. I think time is the best healer. You have made your choice and your AP has respected that choice. Focus on your wife now.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you. I am trying to do just this. It is not easy as I still need to see my AP on a regular basis.

[Popsicle]

I have heard many stories of the MM sinking into depression after the A ends.

 

If this is new, I'm sure your feeling will calm down at some point. You know, you don't owe her friendship. You can always tell her that it's too hard. In the meantime, perhaps you can get some counseling, and get it together plus reinvest in your M. And don't listrn to those who tell you to tell your wife.

[bathtub-row]

I think you should stay in your boring marriage and let the OW do what she needs to do. You'll get over whatever you're currently feeling in a few weeks or so, because the OW obviously doesn't mean enough to you to be with her. Sorry to sound harsh but I really find it hard to hear about how you're hurting when you're doing as you please and don't really concern yourself with how you've hurt the OW; i.e., your lover, friend and soul mate. Those things do not trump this desire to "take care" of your wife who you either pity or view as a child.

[obtuseedge]

I have heard many stories of the MM sinking into depression after the A ends.

 

If this is new, I'm sure your feeling will calm down at some point. You know, you don't owe her friendship. You can always tell her that it's too hard. In the meantime, perhaps you can get some counseling, and get it together plus reinvest in your M. And don't listrn to those who tell you to tell your wife.

 

The emotional affair has been going on for about 6 months, it turned physical about 2 months back.

 

Anyways, I dont plan on telling my wife because she will be devastated and our marriage will never be the same. I plan to lessen contact with her, and I truly wish I could not ever see her again and just leave this situation, but it really PAINS me that I will still have to see her regularly due to work.

 

I am going to try to invest my time into my marriage and rebuild some things. I'm sure I will not be able to kindle the type of magnetism and passion I had with my AP, but I do genuinely love my wife.

[obtuseedge]

I think you should stay in your boring marriage and let the OW do what she needs to do. You'll get over whatever you're currently feeling in a few weeks or so, because the OW obviously doesn't mean enough to you to be with her. Sorry to sound harsh but I really find it hard to hear about how you're hurting when you're doing as you please and don't really concern yourself with how you've hurt the OW; i.e., your lover, friend and soul mate. Those things do not trump this desire to "take care" of your wife who you either pity or view as a child.

 

Actually to be honest, I haven't put in much thought into whether I've caused her pain because I've been mainly focused on being supportive of her in her attempts to get away from her abusive husband. Honestly, she's told me more than a few times that she feels like I'm an angel sent from the heavens to rescue her from the grips of the devil (her husband). Because she was socially isolated from him, and did not have anybody to talk to about her concerns and normalized all the dysfunctions and his behavior as "normal" and constantly apologized for him. But it was only due to meeting me, and these are her words, that she was able to gain the consciousness and courage to leave her awful situation.

 

I do understand why she'd be pained at me spending time with my wife. But honestly, it's not like I'm just having my cake and eating it too. This has been pure torture for me.

[Popsicle]

I have never been one to presume that a MM/MW who is having an A, yet adamantly chooses to stay M is having their cake and eating it too. Mainly because I don't think they are happily married. They are just content in their marriage, which is not the same thing. I'm sure in an ideal world, they would have everything they want in one person.

[Popsicle]

Actually to be honest, I haven't put in much thought into whether I've caused her pain because I've been mainly focused on being supportive of her in her attempts to get away from her abusive husband. Honestly, she's told me more than a few times that she feels like I'm an angel sent from the heavens to rescue her from the grips of the devil (her husband). Because she was socially isolated from him, and did not have anybody to talk to about her concerns and normalized all the dysfunctions and his behavior as "normal" and constantly apologized for him. But it was only due to meeting me, and these are her words, that she was able to gain the consciousness and courage to leave her awful situation.

 

You did help her, actually. She will be happier alone or with another man who is not abusive like him.

[Cinnimon]

I'm sorry but I have to ask; did you make it clear to the ow that you would not be leaving your wife from the very onset of the affair or have you let her believe there " might" be a possibility of a future between you and she?

[minimariah]

I'm staying with my wife because I really love her as a person, even if I feel like she's become just a good friend. I can't imagine not taking care of her through the years, and making sure she is doing ok. I think about her being left alone and not being able to take care of her, and it makes me sick.

 

do you love and care your wife more than you do your AP?

what happened with you and your wife? you had passion and it disappeared with time or you never had it all? i guess i'm trying to ask you did you ever feel with your wife what you're now feeling with your AP?

 

also - what makes you think your wife wouldn't survive you leaving her? maybe you can stay friends and you can continue to take care of her after the divorce. maybe you're underestimating her ability to move on and cope?

 

i don't know what to say, honestly. i think you're sacrificing a little too much and your wife also deserves to be loved the way you love your AP. if you're really 100% sure you want to stay with your wife - make sure you won't resent her or regret it later in life, that usually happens.

 

Anyways, I have been trying to cut off contact with her, but she actually wants us to continue to be best friends, but just not be romantic.

 

i don't think that's a good idea. it will be VERY hard, let me tell you that. you can't be just friends with someone you're deeply in love with, unfortunately. you'll suffer and it's a torture and you'll suffer even more if (when) she finds a new guy and starts dating him. if you really want to stay with your wife and get over your OW - your OW needs to go. i know it's impossible right now because you're clearly madly in love with her but... being friends with her will bring you a lot of pain, i'm afraid.

 

Honestly, I've never cheated in my past relationships. This is the very first affair I've ever had, and it's been torturous. When I started to have these feelings for her, I wanted to leave our project situation but we both landed a giant project that was essential for our careers and neither of us could leave it. Feelings grew, and only because she was an absolutely exceptional person, both in personality, beauty and our chemistry, that I ended up in this situation.

 

i won't say you did the right thing by having an affair - it was a mistake and you know it and no need to lecture you about it. BUT you fell in love and it happens. now you have to choose between the two women, you need to be sure about your choice and you need to do it for the right reasons.

 

maybe you should take your time and try to bring passion back into your marriage? communicate with your wife and tell her what you think is missing between you two. communicate with your AP only on professional level.

 

oh and - definitely keep quiet about the A to your wife.

Edited February 17, 2015 by minimariah

[bathtub-row]

This has been pure torture for me.

 

What a shame...

[norudder]

The deep care for your wife trumps the deep love you've never felt before? Did you tell her you love her? I would guess she's very hurt that you don't want to be with her and wondering who passes up what you claim to feel unless it was a lie? Of course you were having your cake. And of course it sucks that can't have it all anymore. Being non romantic friends IMO is idealistic and still an EA. Its not in her best interest nor your M. If you do love her as a person let her go. Break it off for her with no doubts or room for the future open door talk so she can heal from her divorce AND the affair and move on to a man who can love her in a legit relationship. Figure out why you crossed that boundary so you don't do it again and change or find peace with the passion or lack of in your M.

[privategal]

What if you dont tell your wife about the A but you tell her you fear you've become roomates and friends and you worry about your future with a "good" marriage, but one that lacks passion. Maybe ur wife feels the same and will be relieved you approached it and it would light her fire into action to fix it, or who knows, maybe deep down she wants out?

Never underestimate that she couldn't take care of herself. I left my "roommate" like husband with no money and the clothes on my back, moved to a new city, got a minimum wage job, rented a cheap apartment and rebuilt my life.

 

My fear is if u were truly in love and felt AP was/is your soulmate, you just can't shake that ...no matter what, the love lives on so you live empty without it forever and it hurts...forever.

I hope your making the right choice.

If you split the right way, your W could end up being a wonderful friend down the road. I stayed friends with my ex H after a year or so, it was fine.

[obtuseedge]

I'm sorry but I have to ask; did you make it clear to the ow that you would not be leaving your wife from the very onset of the affair or have you let her believe there " might" be a possibility of a future between you and she?

 

Yes, I have made that clear. I have never let on that I would eventually leave my wife. Initially when we were both having feelings, we tried to fight it, but after several bumps, we both recognized our chemistry was just too strong, this was before we even became physical. At that time, she brought up her wish that we would eventually be together as a "normal" couple, and I told her right away that I could never leave my wife because I care too much about her. She was disappointed then, but afterwards, she focused less and less on "us being together" and more on her leaving her psychotic (truly he is) husband.

 

The situation with her and her husband is this. He is 10 years older, and actually looks even far older than that. She met him as his secretary at his private law firm, she was only 21. He pretty much locked her down and was very over the top in pursuing her, buying her trips, and wining and dining her for the first two years, even though initially she had reservations about him but she was young and naive and figured she'd give him a chance. Since then, he's become extremely controlling, and very emotionally abusive, more than twice a week, he'd have a big blow out and essentially used her as his punching bag. When she entered our company, it was really the first time in 9 years that she had left his circle of control. So that's the situation. For many years, she kept silent and suffered his abuse and dealt with his drug issues alone, until she met me. She literally tells me I was a miracle and I saved her.

[obtuseedge]

do you love and care your wife more than you do your AP?

what happened with you and your wife? you had passion and it disappeared with time or you never had it all? i guess i'm trying to ask you did you ever feel with your wife what you're now feeling with your AP?

 

I met my wife when I was 25. That was 10 years ago. We never had even half the amount of chemistry and passion that I've experienced with OW even from the beginning. But we were compatible, we had a similar sense of humor, we had sexual chemistry, we did many things together that I'm proud of and through the years, we've created a strong bond.

 

One reason I would feel extremely guilty about leaving her is because she's in her mid-30s now and we never had kids. She actually is not too keen on having kids, but I'd feel like I've wasted many years of her life in which she'd have been able to find a man who may have wanted a younger woman to start a family with. Also, I am by far the breadwinner and she is financially dependent on me, and it fills me with guilt if I couldn't take care of her because I honestly really love and care about her well being. We just don't have that passion in our relationship, and honestly, I've never felt it like I've felt with the OW.

 

also - what makes you think your wife wouldn't survive you leaving her? maybe you can stay friends and you can continue to take care of her after the divorce. maybe you're underestimating her ability to move on and cope?

 

Perhaps. But I know she will be truly devastated.

 

i don't know what to say, honestly. i think you're sacrificing a little too much and your wife also deserves to be loved the way you love your AP. if you're really 100% sure you want to stay with your wife - make sure you won't resent her or regret it later in life, that usually happens.

 

No, if anything, i feel deep guilt about the situation. I feel like she's too good for me because of what I've done.

i don't think that's a good idea. it will be VERY hard, let me tell you that. you can't be just friends with someone you're deeply in love with, unfortunately. you'll suffer and it's a torture and you'll suffer even more if (when) she finds a new guy and starts dating him. if you really want to stay with your wife and get over your OW - your OW needs to go. i know it's impossible right now because you're clearly madly in love with her but... being friends with her will bring you a lot of pain, i'm afraid.

 

Yes, it will be very hard and I told her plainly that if we stay close friends, I would never be able to think of her platonically but that I would hold off on the romantic aspects as she is sorting out her divorce, also she did reveal to me today that what spurred her sudden decision the other day was the fact that I was with my wife on Valentines day while she was alone.

 

i won't say you did the right thing by having an affair - it was a mistake and you know it and no need to lecture you about it. BUT you fell in love and it happens. now you have to choose between the two women, you need to be sure about your choice and you need to do it for the right reasons.

 

I have gone back and forth about this many times. This situation is extremely challenging on every emotional and moral level. Honestly, my mind tells me that I need to see where this goes, and to allow this passion to pass, and to stay with my wife. But my heart keeps pulling me to the OW.

 

maybe you should take your time and try to bring passion back into your marriage? communicate with your wife and tell her what you think is missing between you two. communicate with your AP only on professional level.

 

oh and - definitely keep quiet about the A to your wife.

 

I think I will try to do this in the mean time.

[obtuseedge]

What if you dont tell your wife about the A but you tell her you fear you've become roomates and friends and you worry about your future with a "good" marriage, but one that lacks passion. Maybe ur wife feels the same and will be relieved you approached it and it would light her fire into action to fix it, or who knows, maybe deep down she wants out?

Never underestimate that she couldn't take care of herself. I left my "roommate" like husband with no money and the clothes on my back, moved to a new city, got a minimum wage job, rented a cheap apartment and rebuilt my life.

 

My fear is if u were truly in love and felt AP was/is your soulmate, you just can't shake that ...no matter what, the love lives on so you live empty without it forever and it hurts...forever.

I hope your making the right choice.

If you split the right way, your W could end up being a wonderful friend down the road. I stayed friends with my ex H after a year or so, it was fine.

 

I have thought about sitting her down and talking about the situation. I think I might do this. One issue I've always had with communicating with my wife is that she is extremely sensitive and takes things very hard. Which has made certain aspects of communicating with her honestly very difficult.

[obtuseedge]

The deep care for your wife trumps the deep love you've never felt before? Did you tell her you love her? I would guess she's very hurt that you don't want to be with her and wondering who passes up what you claim to feel unless it was a lie? Of course you were having your cake. And of course it sucks that can't have it all anymore. Being non romantic friends IMO is idealistic and still an EA. Its not in her best interest nor your M. If you do love her as a person let her go. Break it off for her with no doubts or room for the future open door talk so she can heal from her divorce AND the affair and move on to a man who can love her in a legit relationship. Figure out why you crossed that boundary so you don't do it again and change or find peace with the passion or lack of in your M.

 

Yes, I've told her I love her very deeply and deeper than what i've felt before. I've also seriously considered leaving my marriage, which really was not without any major issues except for a lack of passion (but this situation is quite normal after being together for a decade). However, one thing that has made me hesitate to move ahead is because the primary impetus to leave our marriages are dissimilar. For me, it would solely be for the OW and I would be sacrificing a lot. For her, her primary reason is that her husband is a controlling, drug abusing, emotionally abusive, borderline physically abusive sociopath (he honestly is, and no exaggeration), and it was more of the fact that our affair finally allowed her to gain perspective on how abnormal her marriage was and how different it was to be with a man who was kind and loving to her.

 

Anyways, I have considered leaving my marriage for her, but several things make me hesitate.

 

1. OW can be very impulsive and flaky, and I would solely be leaving everything behind for her, and I am not completely sure if I can count on her. She's also going through a great deal of emotional tumult due to her poisonous marriage/divorce, so I'm not sure if she is in the right frame of mind to really decide whether she should permanently be in a relationship with me.

 

2. The OW has a side that I've seen that can be selfish, while my wife is certainly far more selfless. This makes me feel like I should wait to see how things pan out before making any rash decision.

 

Anyways, I want to go No Contact. She is the one that wants to stay very close friends but cut out the romantic aspect because things have been too emotionally overwhelming for her.

[obtuseedge]

I have never been one to presume that a MM/MW who is having an A, yet adamantly chooses to stay M is having their cake and eating it too. Mainly because I don't think they are happily married. They are just content in their marriage, which is not the same thing. I'm sure in an ideal world, they would have everything they want in one person.

 

True. I would say I am content in my marriage, but it doesn't bring me a great deal of happiness. The relationship between me and my wife was not as organic or natural as with the OW. From the beginning, there were areas of friction and it was only through long years of mutual work and understanding that we've smoothed them out and have been able to build a content and functional marriage. I honestly think this is quite normal. When you are single, it's not that easy to find one you have chemistry with and who happens to be single too, this is what happened between my wife and I and we built a life together. Obviously the OW has many traits that are more compatible for me, but does this mean I simply discard my wife because I found someone who I have more chemistry with? My wife loves me dearly and I do genuinely care about her.

 

Anyways, this has been the most difficult moral dilemma I've ever had to struggle with. It pains me day to day.

[Cinnimon]

This is a tough one for me concerning your OW, let me tell you why. I feel like she is trying to ease her way away from your romantic connection knowing that it's not going anywhere and it hurts her to stay romantic with you because she is in love with you. Now, the tricky part, she has offered you a relationship without romance and now you are going to request no contact which will likely feel like she is being dumped for not being willing to carry on a romantic affair. In other words she will probably feel as though she was just being used for her " passion" as you put it and now being tossed to the side.

I know people are going to say she doesn't matter and it doesn't matter how she feels but she does matter, besides being the OW, she is a human being.

[obtuseedge]

This is a tough one for me concerning your OW, let me tell you why. I feel like she is trying to ease her way away from your romantic connection knowing that it's not going anywhere and it hurts her to stay romantic with you because she is in love with you. Now, the tricky part, she has offered you a relationship without romance and now you are going to request no contact which will likely feel like she is being dumped for not being willing to carry on a romantic affair. In other words she will probably feel as though she was just being used for her " passion" as you put it and now being tossed to the side.

I know people are going to say she doesn't matter and it doesn't matter how she feels but she does matter, besides being the OW, she is a human being.

 

Thanks for the insight. In fact, this is how she feels. When she called me the other day to request the "break up", we both had a mutually incorrect understanding of the situation. Where she was coming from was that she was upset at being left alone on Valentine's, and also being overwhelmed with dealing with a poisonous divorce and feeling the need to distance herself and have some space.

 

I perceived it as her realizing that she was now free to date other men, and wanted to put me on the backburner and I felt hurt. I honestly feel deep feelings for this woman that I can't help. In fact, I will say that if we had met in a better situation, both of us being single, I'd probably had no doubts I would marry her within weeks of knowing her, that's how strong our chemistry is.

 

So we had a talk today and she explains that she wants to not be romantic as to not be entangled emotionally and to be able to deal with the divorce (because her husband is a manipulative sociopath, and has begun to harass the hell out of her friends/family trying to force her to come back, and has been sending her no less than 30 emails/voicemails/calls to the office a day to get her back). And she said she was extremely upset when I said I wouldn't want to be in contact with her any longer because she is very attached to me and wants me to be there while she goes through all this.

 

I honestly cannot deal with her as a platonic friend, and I do want to cut down the communication. However, at the same time, as I do love her, I want to make sure she gets through this ok. So it's a very difficult dilemma at all levels.

[minimariah]

I know people are going to say she doesn't matter and it doesn't matter how she feels but she does matter, besides being the OW, she is a human being.

 

i think that's inevitable. of course she matters, why shouldn't she matter? but if the OP decided to stay with his wife then the feeling of "being used" is inevitable, i think. they're breaking up a very emotional and intense relationship, you can't avoid pain, anger and all those other emotions. besides, NC would be good for the OW and it will allow her to get full closure and move on.

 

also, she won't feel used at all if OP communicates with her and explains his reasons and emotions. something tells me the OP still didn't decide tho, this is not a done story.