Affair Partner broke it off - I feel sick

[obtuseedge]

i think that's inevitable. of course she matters, why shouldn't she matter? but if the OP decided to stay with his wife then the feeling of "being used" is inevitable, i think. they're breaking up a very emotional and intense relationship, you can't avoid pain, anger and all those other emotions. besides, NC would be good for the OW and it will allow her to get full closure and move on.

 

also, she won't feel used at all if OP communicates with her and explains his reasons and emotions. something tells me the OP still didn't decide tho, this is not a done story.

 

I've always been very clear with her about where I stood. Anyways, I know that I should probably go no contact, but like I mentioned, because of our work situation that is virtually impossible. That's why this situation honestly feels like someone above is playing a torture prank on me. If I could have gone no contact with her, I would've probably have done so at the very beginning when I was starting to have feelings. But that's not possible.

 

Also, frankly speaking, I love her very deeply. I feel great pain when I'm not communicating with her. So at this time, I should maybe see how things pan out. I've always thought about the possibility that given enough time, passions would subside and I could decide more clearly.

[Cinnimon]

i think that's inevitable. of course she matters, why shouldn't she matter? but if the OP decided to stay with his wife then the feeling of "being used" is inevitable, i think. they're breaking up a very emotional and intense relationship, you can't avoid pain, anger and all those other emotions. besides, NC would be good for the OW and it will allow her to get full closure and move on.

 

also, she won't feel used at all if OP communicates with her and explains his reasons and emotions. something tells me the OP still didn't decide tho, this is not a done story.

 

I don't disagree with this. I do feel it all inevitable. I do feel like if the mm tells her exactly what he has told on LS it may help her. I don't think it will make it any easier for her since I do believe she is in love with him, but I do think it will help her accept what is going to transpire.

[obtuseedge]

I don't disagree with this. I do feel it all inevitable. I do feel like if the mm tells her exactly what he has told on LS it may help her. I don't think it will make it any easier for her since I do believe she is in love with him, but I do think it will help her accept what is going to transpire.

 

Well, the fact is, I have told the OW everything I've revealed on this site. We had a talk earlier this afternoon right after I wrote this thread.

 

I told her I made the decision to go no contact because I cannot see her as a platonic friend and the more I communicate with her, the more my feelings would deepen. She told me that this is how she feels when we are romantically intimate and then it pains her when I go home to my wife. But that she is very attached to me and needs me to continue communicating with her, and would be very upset if I shut her out during this tumultuous period.

[Popsicle]

True. I would say I am content in my marriage, but it doesn't bring me a great deal of happiness. The relationship between me and my wife was not as organic or natural as with the OW. From the beginning, there were areas of friction and it was only through long years of mutual work and understanding that we've smoothed them out and have been able to build a content and functional marriage. I honestly think this is quite normal. When you are single, it's not that easy to find one you have chemistry with and who happens to be single too, this is what happened between my wife and I and we built a life together. Obviously the OW has many traits that are more compatible for me, but does this mean I simply discard my wife because I found someone who I have more chemistry with? My wife loves me dearly and I do genuinely care about her.

 

Anyways, this has been the most difficult moral dilemma I've ever had to struggle with. It pains me day to day.

 

It's not a dilemma. You are firm on staying.

 

Your dilemma is that you felt alive and now you have to go back to feeling dead.

 

Well, the fact is, I have told the OW everything I've revealed on this site. We had a talk earlier this afternoon right after I wrote this thread.

 

I told her I made the decision to go no contact because I cannot see her as a platonic friend and the more I communicate with her, the more my feelings would deepen. She told me that this is how she feels when we are romantically intimate and then it pains her when I go home to my wife. But that she is very attached to me and needs me to continue communicating with her, and would be very upset if I shut her out during this tumultuous period.

 

I agree with OW. Talk her through the finalization of her divorce.

[Cinnimon]

I honestly could have been the OW in your A. I remember mm saying that exact same thing to me.....

At the time my thoughts were, so it's okay for you to be with your wife and me handle it but you couldn't handle me being single and with another man?

I'm sorry , I'm not judging you, it just seems like déjà vu.

[obtuseedge]

It's not a dilemma. You are firm on staying.

 

Your dilemma is that you felt alive and now you have to go back to feeling dead.

 

 

 

I agree with OW. Talk her through the finalization of her divorce.

 

That is essentially the case. With her, I felt like I was living life again. Back at home in my stale but otherwise content marriage, I felt like I was just going through the motions. Even if I do really care about my wife and it does break my heart to think about leaving her.

[obtuseedge]

I honestly could have been the OW in your A. I remember mm saying that exact same thing to me.....

At the time my thoughts were, so it's okay for you to be with your wife and me handle it but you couldn't handle me being single and with another man?

I'm sorry , I'm not judging you, it just seems like déjà vu.

 

Well, the situation with me and the OW is that we met as both MARRIED individuals. Her husband really just moved out TWO WEEKS ago, so her being de facto single is rather a new phenomenon. He also moved out far sooner than anticipated, he's a bit of a nut, so part of him moving out was an plea for attention and to provoke a response from her, but apparently it's backfired because she's been more than happy with him actually leaving her alone.

 

So prior to two weeks ago, we were two married individuals, and I really only started to come to light about the extent of abuses on the part of her husband during maybe early December, when she revealed to me that she plans to leave him and it's been on the back of her mind for quite a while.

[Popsicle]

That is essentially the case. With her, I felt like I was living life again. Back at home in my stale but otherwise content marriage, I felt like I was just going through the motions. Even if I do really care about my wife and it does break my heart to think about leaving her.

 

You mean the wife or the ow?

 

lol, sorry this is getting funny, but I'm silly like that.

 

At any moment now, the BS's should be coming into this thread. I'm surprised they haven't arrived in droves yet. They will have an entirely different view.

[obtuseedge]

You mean the wife or the ow?

 

lol, sorry this is getting funny, but I'm silly like that.

 

At any moment now, the BS's should be coming into this thread. I'm surprised they haven't arrived in droves yet. They will have an entirely different view.

 

It breaks my heart to think about leaving my wife.

 

It breaks my heart to think about the OW leaving me.

 

It's complicated.

[Cinnimon]

You mean the wife or the ow?

 

lol, sorry this is getting funny, but I'm silly like that.

 

At any moment now, the BS's should be coming into this thread. I'm surprised they haven't arrived in droves yet. They will have an entirely different view.

 

You mean the affair fog. You don't really love her. She doesn't really love you?. Can't you see she's just out to destroy your marriage.This isn't real, it's all a fantasy in your head, stuff?

[FusionCutter]

It breaks my heart to think about leaving my wife.

 

It breaks my heart to think about the OW leaving me.

 

It's complicated.

 

It's not complicated. You are missing having your cake and eating it too. You can't have both. Life doesn't work that way.

[obtuseedge]

It's not complicated. You are missing having your cake and eating it too. You can't have both. Life doesn't work that way.

 

Fact is, I do feel a bit of a relief. But the only major problem is that I cannot go full no contact because of work. I would do that if I couldn't see her romantically anymore as it's impossible to be a platonic friend to her.

[Cinnimon]

It breaks my heart to think about leaving my wife.

 

It breaks my heart to think about the OW leaving me.

 

It's complicated.

 

I do believe you feel this way. I do.

I broke it off with mm, he claimed he loved me deeply, never felt so alive in years.

He also told me he would feel horrible leaving his wife, that he did not love her but he had to stay out of a sense of obligation and the vows he took with her.

Periodically I still get emails from him saying that his life feels more empty now than before we met. That he still loves me deeply and feels like the pain of the loss of me will forever be with him for the rest of his life.

I never respond to him because part of me feels like he always had a choice but I never did. He was hurt by me finally ending us but he has no idea the pain I went through when I had to walk away from him.

It's truly a life altering experience.

[Popsicle]

Fact is, I do feel a bit of a relief. But the only major problem is that I cannot go full no contact because of work. I would do that if I couldn't see her romantically anymore as it's impossible to be a platonic friend to her.

 

Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll leave that job.

 

I still think you should be her platonic friend and support through her divorce, but you can stop after that.

[purplesorrow]

You mean the affair fog. You don't really love her. She doesn't really love you?. Can't you see she's just out to destroy your marriage.This isn't real, it's all a fantasy in your head, stuff?

 

What does it matter? If he loves the ow or not? He didn't do anything about it.

[obtuseedge]

I do believe you feel this way. I do.

I broke it off with mm, he claimed he loved me deeply, never felt so alive in years.

He also told me he would feel horrible leaving his wife, that he did not love her but he had to stay out of a sense of obligation and the vows he took with her.

Periodically I still get emails from him saying that his life feels more empty now than before we met. That he still loves me deeply and feels like the pain of the loss of me will forever be with him for the rest of his life.

I never respond to him because part of me feels like he always had a choice but I never did. He was hurt by me finally ending us but he has no idea the pain I went through when I had to walk away from him.

It's truly a life altering experience.

 

Im sorry to hear about your dilemma. I guess the primary difference in my situation was that the OW should've left her marriage regardless. She has told me that no matter what happens, she would always remember me as the person who saved her, or her miracle. But I do believe the pain she feels is similar to what you have gone through.

 

It's an extremely difficult situation.

[minimariah]

Also, frankly speaking, I love her very deeply. I feel great pain when I'm not communicating with her. So at this time, I should maybe see how things pan out. I've always thought about the possibility that given enough time, passions would subside and I could decide more clearly.

 

i'm going to be really honest here... i think you should leave your wife. i think you & your OW should be together, i'm romantic like that.

 

now, i feel bad for your wife... i do. but it is what it is. i do believe you when you say you have a good marriage and your wife is probably a great person but... BUT! there is always a but. i wouldn't give up on that kind of passion and connection you have with your OW if i were you.

 

and honestly, it's good you don't have any kids. makes this entire situation a little easier. i think your marriage with your wife cannot be saved... it would be one thing if you HAD passion and it disappeared but you never felt the passion you feel with the OW to begin with. you can't create or fake these things, you either have it with your partner or you don't.

 

your wife will be devastated if you leave her and your OW will be devastated of you decide to stay with your wife. someone will end up getting hurt and you can't avoid that. you mentioned wasting your wife's years... those are absolutely not wasted years. sometimes things last, sometimes they don't. i'm sure you have lots of great memories and i'm sure those were some GOOD years... so no, they're not a waste just because it ended.

 

i think you deserve to be in a happy, passionate relationship and your wife deserves to be with someone who will love her the way you love your AP. also, i think that (if you stay with your wife) this won't be your last affair. your marriage is not complete and you'll always feel what's missing. it's hard to ignore that, especially when you know just how good it can be.

[obtuseedge]

i'm going to be really honest here... i think you should leave your wife. i think you & your OW should be together, i'm romantic like that.

 

now, i feel bad for your wife... i do. but it is what it is. i do believe you when you say you have a good marriage and your wife is probably a great person but... BUT! there is always a but. i wouldn't give up on that kind of passion and connection you have with your OW if i were you.

 

and honestly, it's good you don't have any kids. makes this entire situation a little easier. i think your marriage with your wife cannot be saved... it would be one thing if you HAD passion and it disappeared but you never felt the passion you feel with the OW to begin with. you can't create or fake these things, you either have it with your partner or you don't.

 

your wife will be devastated if you leave her and your OW will be devastated of you decide to stay with your wife. someone will end up getting hurt and you can't avoid that. you mentioned wasting your wife's years... those are absolutely not wasted years. sometimes things last, sometimes they don't. i'm sure you have lots of great memories and i'm sure those were some GOOD years... so no, they're not a waste just because it ended.

 

i think you deserve to be in a happy, passionate relationship and your wife deserves to be with someone who will love her the way you love your AP. also, i think that (if you stay with your wife) this won't be your last affair. your marriage is not complete and you'll always feel what's missing. it's hard to ignore that, especially when you know just how good it can be.

 

Thank you for your insight. I think it was poignant and something to think about. I will have to see how some things pan out. I think you are right on many levels.

[Cinnimon]

What does it matter? If he loves the ow or not? He didn't do anything about it.

 

Love always matters.

[minimariah]

Thank you for your insight. I think it was poignant and something to think about. I will have to see how some things pan out. I think you are right on many levels.

 

take your time and think about everything.

you only have one life... i can't stress this enough to people. i don't think we're really aware of our own mortality - like, we are going to stop existing one day. it will happen and you won't get another chance. jesus won't send you back, lol.

 

that being said... do you really want to spend this one life you have in a marriage that doesn't give you what you really need? it doesn't even matter if you'll last with your OW, take a deep look at YOUR marriage. there is something missing and i don't think you can ever fill that hole.

 

life is way too short for anything else but pure happiness, love and passion. people get hurt, sure. but we've all had our hearts broken more than once... and guess what? we lived. so will your wife. staying out of guilt or because it's comfortable... you're missing out, man. it's just not worth it.

 

you know how they say - we humans always regret for all those things we DIDN'T do, never for something we did. don't be 70 remembering and regretting staying in a marriage where you're not in love with your wife. fix it and change your life for the better while you still can.

[anika99]

I met my wife when I was 25. That was 10 years ago. We never had even half the amount of chemistry and passion that I've experienced with OW even from the beginning. But we were compatible, we had a similar sense of humor, we had sexual chemistry, we did many things together that I'm proud of and through the years, we've created a strong bond.

 

One reason I would feel extremely guilty about leaving her is because she's in her mid-30s now and we never had kids. She actually is not too keen on having kids, but I'd feel like I've wasted many years of her life in which she'd have been able to find a man who may have wanted a younger woman to start a family with. Also, I am by far the breadwinner and she is financially dependent on me, and it fills me with guilt if I couldn't take care of her because I honestly really love and care about her well being. We just don't have that passion in our relationship, and honestly, I've never felt it like I've felt with the OW.

 

So your wife is about 35 now? That is still young. I met the greatest love of my life when I was 39. Unless your wife is some sort of hideous troll of a human being she could still attract a man who will love her passionately and deeply. You are wasting years of her life because she deserves a man who truly loves her and loves being with her. Stop dragging her along in this fake marriage. She could even still have kids if she really wanted to. Set her free to find the love and passion you claim to have found with the OW.

 

 

You don't have to leave your wife financially destitute either. You could agree to spend a few years helping her financially get on her feet. Give her a monthly alimony check and/or pay to send her to school so she can get a better career. I doubt that she is as hopeless and unworthy as you make her sound. Set her free and you run away to be with the OW. Your relationship with the OW will likely burn out and fail because of how you two started but then at least you might learn a lesson about cheating and not taking love and loyalty for granted.

[obtuseedge]

take your time and think about everything.

you only have one life... i can't stress this enough to people. i don't think we're really aware of our own mortality - like, we are going to stop existing one day. it will happen and you won't get another chance. jesus won't send you back, lol.

 

that being said... do you really want to spend this one life you have in a marriage that doesn't give you what you really need? it doesn't even matter if you'll last with your OW, take a deep look at YOUR marriage. there is something missing and i don't think you can ever fill that hole.

 

life is way too short for anything else but pure happiness, love and passion. people get hurt, sure. but we've all had our hearts broken more than once... and guess what? we lived. so will your wife. staying out of guilt or because it's comfortable... you're missing out, man. it's just not worth it.

 

you know how they say - we humans always regret for all those things we DIDN'T do, never for something we did. don't be 70 remembering and regretting staying in a marriage where you're not in love with your wife. fix it and change your life for the better while you still can.

 

I'll have to think about this. Fact is, I have already and I totally understand what you are saying. However, at the same time, I do genuinely love my wife, and it does bother me to think that I would jump ship just because things are lacking in passion. It seems to me that every long term relationship, and I've been in a couple before my wife, seems to eventually subside in the passion department after a few years, it's inevitable. Should I jump ship every time?

 

But fact is, the chemistry I have with this OW is really on another level. So I really have to see how some things pan out. Deep down inside, a certain part of me mistrusts her emotional stability and feel like I may ultimately be betrayed, (she is an EXTREMELY beautiful woman and gets a ton of male attention, albeit, I'm also considered very physically attractive, but I think I am more stable than she is). So those things in the back of my mind gives me serious pause.

[obtuseedge]

So your wife is about 35 now? That is still young. I met the greatest love of my life when I was 39. Unless your wife is some sort of hideous troll of a human being she could still attract a man who will love her passionately and deeply. You are wasting years of her life because she deserves a man who truly loves her and loves being with her. Stop dragging her along in this fake marriage. She could even still have kids if she really wanted to. Set her free to find the love and passion you claim to have found with the OW.

 

 

You don't have to leave your wife financially destitute either. You could agree to spend a few years helping her financially get on her feet. Give her a monthly alimony check and/or pay to send her to school so she can get a better career. I doubt that she is as hopeless and unworthy as you make her sound. Set her free and you run away to be with the OW. Your relationship with the OW will likely burn out and fail because of how you two started but then at least you might learn a lesson about cheating and not taking love and loyalty for granted.

 

What you say makes sense. I also agree about what may ultimately happen because of the circumstances in which our romance started. I feel like it's set to fail.

 

My wife is definitely physically attractive and sociable too. Undoubtedly, she'd probably find it easy to attract a man.

 

However, I do genuinely love my wife. I may not feel passion and great romance in our relationship, but I genuinely want to make her happy. But you are right that something is missing.

Edited February 17, 2015 by obtuseedge

[Popsicle]

You sound like the type of guy that overthinks and can't turn it off and will find something wrong in every woman, and thus, you will forever be tormented.

[obtuseedge]

You sound like the type of guy that overthinks and can't turn it off and will find something wrong in every woman, and thus, you will forever be tormented.

 

You may be right. But honestly, I realize no one's perfect, myself included. I have my flaws. I think my wife is a great woman and I don't see her as flawed, we just lack passion in our marriage.