Affair Partner broke it off - I feel sick

[obtuseedge]

I think you should let OW go. You don't want to take the risk to be with her long-term and she needs a man who will. I think you're just like a bunch of men who won't go for an extremely beautiful woman like that...and guess what...that leaves her exposed to psychos like her husband who aren't afraid of risks. She doesn't need psycho guy and she doesn't need scared guy, you.

 

Both you and psycho guy are hoping for some short-term action because you both know most men don't have the courage to be with her long-term so that leaves her alone and vulnerable to you. You're the same guy but on different ends of the spectrum.

 

The guy who loves her will realize that he's got no serious competition. The only people who want to be with her are crazy or scared users.

 

I'm not scared to be with her. I have hesitation obviously due to my marriage, and also the fact that she has been acting erratically, although it may be understandable due to all the drama.

 

Fact is, if she was single and so was I, when we had met, I would've done everything I can to make her mine.

[loveboid]

I'm not scared to be with her. I have hesitation obviously due to my marriage, and also the fact that she has been acting erratically, although it may be understandable due to all the drama.

 

Fact is, if she was single and so was I, when we had met, I would've done everything I can to make her mine.

 

Well you ignored her on Valentine's day in the middle of her break up so you're not a good MM. If you cannot be her H and cannot be a good MM and cannot be her platonic friend and cannot even be her professional coworker...I hope you don't settle for being her enemy. Just what is it that you're offering her again?

 

Looks like you both got the most you could get out of each other and you're both letting go, you're just not done grieving it yet.

[SolG]

OP, you sound so like my MM. Or I should say xMM - we broke up on Valentine's Day (I'll get around to posting about that at some point).

 

My advice to you from someone who has been in your OW's shoes for four and a half years is don't prevariacate. Don't dilly dally and agonise. Every second you spend failing to commit either way causes everyone more damage. Don't fool yourself that your W doesn't feel your distance. She invariably does feel it in her gut that things are off and is suffering for it. Nor that you're doing the OW a favour by hanging around, even if at her request. All that is doing is enabling her emotional reliance and engendering false hope. Regardless of what you express to all concerned, your actions will belie your words and hurt.

 

Go home and BE the best husband you can be to the W that you pupport to love. Explain to your OW that you hanging around as a 'friend' will just cause you all more grief. Yes, it will hurt. But it will be for the best in the long run. Man up and follow through and do what you know, what your posts clearly express is right.

 

Frankly I think you're lucky you've arrived at this point while still in the early limerence phase. It means you have more hope of clarity with a little distance. That will make it easier with time.

[Babs22]

OP, I am a MOW and I feel like I am in the same position as your MOW only my relationship with my MM is now over two years old. Like you we met at work, like you we both found passion and a connection we did not have with our spouses. The difference is, I waited for about a year before I began to think of leaving my spouse. At that point, and not before, my MM told me he wasn't planning on leaving his spouse and he didn't know what his future held. I was pretty surprised and I don't think I fully processed it. I guess disbelief would be a better term. I took a deep breath and paused my plans to leave and within a month or so, my 16 year old son started having mental health and physical health issues. At that point I realized it was best if my husband and I both remained in the home. That was over a year ago. It has been a rough year. In that time, I continued my A with MM. It has taken time, but it has slowly sunk in that MM will most likely never leave his wife.

 

Valentines weekend came and went. We all had a 4 day weekend off work due to the holiday and a paid day off. In years past, we would have spent one of those days together. Not this year. He was busy, putting down a new wood floor in their bedroom. What I got for Valentine's Day, a text saying Happy Valentine's Day. Needless to say, this has been a very painful weekend for me but it put some things in perspective. I know it will be hard to get over my MM while I am working with him. I work in a school, so the end of the year is approaching. I can easily ask to be assigned to a different building, and that is my plan. I will stay in my marriage as long as I can while we help my son through this. I do not see our marriage lasting. I am not physically attracted to my husband and we have many disagreements about our children.

 

I need to end this with MM, it is a relationship that has no where to go. He won't leave his wife and I am more in love with him than ever. It will be hard to break this off. I cannot imagine it working unless I can arrange not to see him anymore. Seeing him all the time would be incredibly painful.

 

Your OW is very lucky that you have been honest about not wanting to leave your wife. If I had known this from the beginning, I would have ended it then, just like your OW has done. She is saving herself a lot of pain and suffering. She knows she wants more than to be left alone on holidays. Unless you ever plan on leaving your wife, you need to let go of the OW. It is the only fair thing to do.

 

My MM has exactly what you want. I stayed in my marriage and he doesn't have to leave his wife. He has her at home and me on he side giving him all the passion he needs. In the end, I am the one being hurt and have felt hurt many times over the past two years. Let the OW go. Do whatever you need to do to deal with it.

[whichwayisup]

You can't be 'best friends' with her, no way. All that means is a continuation of it being an emotional affair. It isn't fair to her, to you or your unsuspecting wife.

 

Try emotionally investing more in your wife, make time for her, go on dates, leave love notes. If you had put half as much energy into your wife and marriage like you did into this OW, then maybe your marriage wouldn't have gone stale and so routine. Yes life gets in the way but it's up to each person in the marriage to keep things alive and passionate.

 

Once you grieve the loss and are able to detach from the exOW, that's when you need to reconnect with your wife. Doing so now would be a lie as your heart wouldn't be in it.

 

Need to ask, does your wife suspect? I mean she knows you well, hasn't she picked up on your mood shifts? Sadness and low energy?

[Poppy47]

I do love both of them. It's just a difficult situation.

 

With my OW, I do genuinely love her, which is why I have been supportive of her in leaving her husband. It would actually benefit my situation more if she were to stay with her husband, as she would be dependent on me for genuine affection and happiness. With her leaving her husband, she is now free and can pursue meeting new friends and men, which would leave her less dependent on me, but I supported her in arriving at this situation as I genuinely wanted her to be in a better place.

 

With my wife, I do genuinely love and care about her and have supported her all these years because of that. Obviously our marriage is not perfect, but I suppose I didn't realize some things until this happened.

 

So when you say you supported OW... what did you do exactly to support her?

 

I am not lecturing you, but you DO want you cake and eat it too... no matter how painful you say it is.

 

I think, if you really love OW you need to let her go. You say she has been erratic.... have you READ some of the posts here by OW who have been driven to the brink of despair by relationships with wavering MM???? Of course she's behaving oddly.

 

Fix your marriage or leave it... don't play with the lives of two women. Man up and stand by your decision to stay with your wife... also consider some counselling. It sounds to me as though there might be more lacking than sex.

 

REgards,

Poppy

[m4p]

Hi, I am very new to here but it's nice to see many people in the same situation, or rather had been in similar situations, supporting each other and giving advices.

 

My Dday was only 4 days ago but sheesh, reading all the comments and advices really opens up one's mind and help in finding closure in such a painful situation.

 

You sound exactly like my xMM or rather how I gathered he feels about his W. He cannot entertain the sheer thought of leaving her because he feels that he owes her so much for sticking with him through the past decade. My xMM's W is a beautiful, strong minded and successful woman. The only way I can understand the whole situation is that simply- he loves her more than me, no matter how "in pain" he feels now. It is perhaps an affair fog that we are having, that is why we cannot accept this unexpected ending.

 

It took me awhile to understand this, but if a man is not able to fight for me at this very moment and be true to his own feelings, then I am very much better off without him.

 

Granted, I don't have an abusive ex-husband and am in a pretty logical state of mind (lol no offence), but it will hurt me A LOT to even consider that the xMM I love is making decisions by balancing out "Pros and Cons" in his mental spreadsheet. eg. PRO: stability in marriage CON: no passion bla bla

 

If you love your wife so much, there shouldn't even be a reason why you will be even tempted to go into an A with another person. Maybe it could be purely a PA, but it's evident that you're involved deeply emotionally. It was not a split decision and you know it.

It just happens that now that it came down to this, you realise that you love your wife more than the OW.

 

One day, perhaps or rather definitely you will find someone whom you love more than your "vows and obligations" and at that time, I don't think you will take so long to antagonize over everything.

 

All I can say is I hope you will be able to be true to yourself in your marriage and your life from now on. That is what I promised myself so I broke off with my current bf even though he did not find out about the (now ended) A.

 

I hope you feel better and heal soon

[obtuseedge]

You can't be 'best friends' with her, no way. All that means is a continuation of it being an emotional affair. It isn't fair to her, to you or your unsuspecting wife.

 

Try emotionally investing more in your wife, make time for her, go on dates, leave love notes. If you had put half as much energy into your wife and marriage like you did into this OW, then maybe your marriage wouldn't have gone stale and so routine. Yes life gets in the way but it's up to each person in the marriage to keep things alive and passionate.

 

Once you grieve the loss and are able to detach from the exOW, that's when you need to reconnect with your wife. Doing so now would be a lie as your heart wouldn't be in it.

 

Need to ask, does your wife suspect? I mean she knows you well, hasn't she picked up on your mood shifts? Sadness and low energy?

 

I am the one that actually wants to go NC, because I realize it is impossible to stay close friends with someone you have deep feelings and attraction for. She wants to stay close friends because while she is having a lot of issues reconciling having romantic feelings with a MM, at the same time, she is extremely attached to me and also I am the only one she feels she can confide in while she continues to deal with the drama of her ex-husband.

 

I want NC because obviously I want to stop cheating, and staying close to her will just bring us back to that. At the same time, I am not dismissing her as a fling, truly, we have connected at a level that is far beyond your typical relationship, yet I do recognize that the CIRCUMSTANCES in which we have done so is/was truly poisonous at many levels. I want to go NC so we can both heal, but the main problem again is that we work together and we can't leave, so we still have to see each other. She also adamantly wants to stay close even though she is having trouble accepting being the OW.

[obtuseedge]

So when you say you supported OW... what did you do exactly to support her?

 

I am not lecturing you, but you DO want you cake and eat it too... no matter how painful you say it is.

 

I think, if you really love OW you need to let her go. You say she has been erratic.... have you READ some of the posts here by OW who have been driven to the brink of despair by relationships with wavering MM???? Of course she's behaving oddly.

 

Fix your marriage or leave it... don't play with the lives of two women. Man up and stand by your decision to stay with your wife... also consider some counselling. It sounds to me as though there might be more lacking than sex.

 

REgards,

Poppy

 

For nine years, she was pretty much taken in by her husband, who was 10 years older than her, and was a domineering father figure almost and she lived a traumatic life of emotional abuse. I was the only person that she finally was able to confide in regarding her personal life, and I made it clear that she should not be treated that way by any man. I am the reason why she finally realized that she needed to stop apologizing for his behavior and she finally recognized that she did not love her husband, she feared him and she was oppressed by him. So it is quite clear I am the reason why she recognized that she was in a very abusive marriage and finally made the decision to leave.

[whichwayisup]

She needs to rely on her woman friends and a good therapist to help her cope with her recent break up of her abusive marriage.

 

Set boundaries and do your best to keep it professional.

 

Do people at work suspect?

[obtuseedge]

She needs to rely on her woman friends and a good therapist to help her cope with her recent break up of her abusive marriage.

 

Set boundaries and do your best to keep it professional.

 

Do people at work suspect?

 

I think there may be some suspicions though we obviously keep it professional at the office.

 

Frankly, she tells me she wants to keep it non-romantic. But tonight, she left me a couple texts saying good night and with a smilie face. So obviously, she is confused as to what she really wants with me. Fact is, I do view her romantically and I will not stop doing so because I cannot help it. I do realize how heartbreaking the situation is which is why I wish we could really go full on NC, but we can't. I'm trying to limit my interactions outside of work now.

[obtuseedge]

She needs to rely on her woman friends and a good therapist to help her cope with her recent break up of her abusive marriage.

 

Set boundaries and do your best to keep it professional.

 

Do people at work suspect?

 

She is a very private person and has never told any of her friends about the scale of abuses from her marriage. She has always protected her husband's image and they think he's a swell guy.

 

I'm the only one she has confided the reality with. That's one reason why I'm indispensable for her.

 

And frankly, she's also made it clear that she has never been more physically and emotionally attracted to any man in her life. From the beginning, the attraction and chemistry was always mutual and it was extremely powerful.

[whichwayisup]

I think there may be some suspicions though we obviously keep it professional at the office.

 

Frankly, she tells me she wants to keep it non-romantic. But tonight, she left me a couple texts saying good night and with a smilie face. So obviously, she is confused as to what she really wants with me. Fact is, I do view her romantically and I will not stop doing so because I cannot help it. I do realize how heartbreaking the situation is which is why I wish we could really go full on NC, but we can't. I'm trying to limit my interactions outside of work now.

 

Ask her to please respect your wishes and not to send you cutsie texts and emails anymore, that the affair is over and that also means the friendship too.

 

You can stop it by being tough on yourself and not allowing yourself to day dream or think about her in that way. Over time you need to try your best to push thoughts of her out of your head. I get right now it's all fresh and it can't stop over night but once you grieve the loss, you can push yourself hard to stop those thoughts about her and detach.

 

Think of your wife and how she would feel if she finds out.

 

Does your wife notice your mood or does she suspect anything? Not sure if you answered that one or not earlier.

[whichwayisup]

She is a very private person and has never told any of her friends about the scale of abuses from her marriage. She has always protected her husband's image and they think he's a swell guy.

 

I'm the only one she has confided the reality with. That's one reason why I'm indispensable for her.

 

And frankly, she's also made it clear that she has never been more physically and emotionally attracted to any man in her life. From the beginning, the attraction and chemistry was always mutual and it was extremely powerful.

 

Encourage her to seek counseling because you cannot be 'that' guy for her anymore. She sees you as the knight in shining armour who rescued her from her bad marriage/bad husband. She is/was very vulnerable too, so much of what she feels, that extreme emotional attachment to you is unhealthy and actually damaging to her.

[obtuseedge]

Ask her to please respect your wishes and not to send you cutsie texts and emails anymore, that the affair is over and that also means the friendship too.

 

You can stop it by being tough on yourself and not allowing yourself to day dream or think about her in that way. Over time you need to try your best to push thoughts of her out of your head. I get right now it's all fresh and it can't stop over night but once you grieve the loss, you can push yourself hard to stop those thoughts about her and detach.

 

Think of your wife and how she would feel if she finds out.

 

Does your wife notice your mood or does she suspect anything? Not sure if you answered that one or not earlier.

 

She does occasionally notice mood swings and would ask what's wrong. I tell her it's from stress at work, and usually she doesn't question it anymore as I do have a stressful job.

 

The only issue with NC is that I still have to work with her. So I cannot go full NC. When I see her, I can't help but feel all the emotions I do. It's an extremely difficult situation. I am trying to keep it professional and have been trying to limit our conversations, and to keep them unemotional.

[obtuseedge]

Encourage her to seek counseling because you cannot be 'that' guy for her anymore. She sees you as the knight in shining armour who rescued her from her bad marriage/bad husband. She is/was very vulnerable too, so much of what she feels, that extreme emotional attachment to you is unhealthy and actually damaging to her.

 

I think you are right. The fact is, she turns to me because not only am I her only real confidante, but she was and is madly in love with me as well, and I with her. It was pure joy and ecstasy between us and we had many magical moments together. This is going to be a very hard thing to walk away from.

[whichwayisup]

Have you thought about telling your wife? If she finds out on her own or someone else tells her, that wouldn't be good at all.

 

Also, any chance of getting a transfer somewhere else or getting a new job?

[obtuseedge]

Have you thought about telling your wife? If she finds out on her own or someone else tells her, that wouldn't be good at all.

 

Also, any chance of getting a transfer somewhere else or getting a new job?

 

Although she initially chose me to be her partner in business, I was the one who landed the project we are working on, and I am also the more experienced member. It is a lucrative project and I will absolutely not walk away from it because it is crucial to my development in my career.

 

Obviously it is a big deal to her as well, and I do not feel it is right for me to ask her to walk away from it.

 

That is the dilemma.

[obtuseedge]

Have you thought about telling your wife? If she finds out on her own or someone else tells her, that wouldn't be good at all.

 

Also, any chance of getting a transfer somewhere else or getting a new job?

 

yes, I have thought of telling my wife. I know she will likely leave if that's the case.

[whichwayisup]

yes, I have thought of telling my wife. I know she will likely leave if that's the case.

 

But at least she'll have a say in what she wants. Do you know for sure she will leave? Do you two have children?

 

Will continue tomorrow, need to get to sleep. Stupid me having a late coffee!

[obtuseedge]

But at least she'll have a say in what she wants. Do you know for sure she will leave? Do you two have children?

 

Will continue tomorrow, need to get to sleep. Stupid me having a late coffee!

 

No we do not have children. Yes, I do believe she will leave.

[sisa]

in fact you are not that love your AP.

otherwise why you don't feel bad about put her alone?

why you don't feel she also need to be take care?

[Gloria_Smellons]

I'm the only one she has confided the reality with. That's one reason why I'm indispensable for her.

 

Oh pulease. *eye roll*

 

Despite what media and movies portray, we women don't all sit around fainting and swooning waiting for some white knight to charge in on his steed and save us.

 

I'm sorry you're in pain, I wouldn't wish the pain of an affair on anyone, but as the only one in this threesome who has all the information, the onus to act is on you. The faster you act, the sooner you can start extracting yourself from this whole mess.

 

You claim you've already decided to not leave your wife or tell your wife about the affair. (Which by the way I'm slightly confused about, you can't leave her because she wouldn't cope, but you think if you tell her she'll leave. Like nearly every woman I know they tend to be a lot stronger than the men in their life give them credit for, but I digress).

 

The reasons and why's are largely irrelevant at this stage in my opinion. You've made your decision, so now you need to stick to it.

 

I'm sure in some way you have helped this woman leave her abusive husband, but she's the one who left him, not you. Don't make the mistake of thinking this never would have happened without you. The timeline may have been different, the circumstances may have been different, but she's proven herself more than capable of dealing with the crap in her life, so please don't take credit for her actions.

 

If you love has as you claim, if you really do have positive feelings towards her, you want what's best for her right? Guess what, that isn't you. You are making a difficult situation more difficult, not less. There is no way you can be 'friends' on any level with this woman, and whilst I'm sure it will hurt her, in the long run it will be best for her. Explain to her that you cannot be friends, urge her to confide in a female friend, or a therapist, tell her that she's stronger than she thinks and wish her luck.

 

Then keep contact strictly work related, this means no texting outside of work, no goodnight messages etc etc. It will be hard for you, but can it be any harder than keeping this secret from your wife, or lying to her everyday? Consider this pain your penance.

[pheonixrisen]

but she was and is madly in love with me as well, and I with her. It was pure joy and ecstasy between us and we had many magical moments together. This is going to be a very hard thing to walk away from.

 

Did you not feel this for your wife when you guys met and went through the dating phase and then marriage phase until you settled into this content phase ..This feeling of magical moments and deep love and connection that you say you feel for your AP is it not what we feel when we enter new love /sex relations....This feelings of deep love and passion did not last with your wife what makes you sure it will last with your AP ......Instead of spending your energy on your AP why don't you try to create the passion you had with your wife ...you don't know if it's all lost till you give it a try...did it occur to you your wife must be feeling the same lack as you do and suffering in silence ...why did you feel an affair was the right way to go about things instead of turning to your wife and talking to her about the lack there of.....

 

If and when your wife finds out the torture and emotional trauma she would suffer is nothing compared to how tortured you feel between 2 woman...poor you ! ...

[pheonixrisen]

For nine years, she was pretty much taken in by her husband, who was 10 years older than her, and was a domineering father figure almost and she lived a traumatic life of emotional abuse. I was the only person that she finally was able to confide in regarding her personal life, and I made it clear that she should not be treated that way by any man. I am the reason why she finally realized that she needed to stop apologizing for his behavior and she finally recognized that she did not love her husband, she feared him and she was oppressed by him. So it is quite clear I am the reason why she recognized that she was in a very abusive marriage and finally made the decision to leave.

 

If the above is true you are dealing with a co dependent woman who is insecure and immature and requires another to pull her out from bad situations plus jumping from a frying pan(her marriage ) straight into fire (you ) is not the answer to a happy life she is going to end up burned ...she does not need you ..she needs therapy .