I hate not "feeling" anything...

[ComingInHot]

Inkfliked,

Do you think that it is because you feel SO much that you 'shut down ' so much so that you've just grown into this state.

You Know you Can feel.

You have felt that 'connection'

You feel the loss of that connection to your very core to this day.

 

Sociopath, depressed, Bipolar, whatever you may or may not be, I believe you feel deeply about things and people/person.?

CiH*

[Inflikted]

Inkfliked,

Do you think that it is because you feel SO much that you 'shut down ' so much so that you've just grown into this state.

You Know you Can feel.

You have felt that 'connection'

You feel the loss of that connection to your very core to this day.

 

Sociopath, depressed, Bipolar, whatever you may or may not be, I believe you feel deeply about things and people/person.?

CiH*

 

I... don't know. What difference does it make?

[ComingInHot]

I... don't know. What difference does it make?

 

I was just thinking that maybe if you open up a little more?

 

Nevermind, was just trying to offer a different perspective and help

CiH*

[Inflikted]

I was just thinking that maybe if you open up a little more?

 

Nevermind, was just trying to offer a different perspective and help

CiH*

 

Well, no, I didn't mean to come off as standoffish or anything like that. I mean, I just... really don't know. The very few times I have "felt" even the tiniest sliver of something for someone, it's been very jarring, and I never really feel like I have a grasp on it. It always seems to work out for the worst...

 

So... yeah. I dunno. I guess I just miss the "high" of feeling something for someone. It bothers me that I don't feel something for people more often. I feel bad for being a sociopath. Sociopaths typically aren't regarded as very good people, but I don't have malicious intent towards anyone. Above all, I'm just cripplingly lonely.

[ComingInHot]

Well, no, I didn't mean to come off as standoffish or anything like that. I mean, I just... really don't know. The very few times I have "felt" even the tiniest sliver of something for someone, it's been very jarring, and I never really feel like I have a grasp on it. It always seems to work out for the worst...

 

So... yeah. I dunno. I guess I just miss the "high" of feeling something for someone. It bothers me that I don't feel something for people more often. I feel bad for being a sociopath. Sociopaths typically aren't regarded as very good people, but I don't have malicious intent towards anyone. Above all, I'm just cripplingly lonely.

 

How do you know you're a sociopath? Did you pass some sort of test? Or fail some sort of test?

Are you extremely (as in almost scary) intelligent?

 

When you say "jarring", I think again of someone who may feel 'too much' for them to handle so instead of processing and learning how to accept the intense emotions, they could be tamped down to a point where there is just, nothing...

 

I don't want you to be lonely.

No one should feel that way All the time.

I am sad for you about that.

CiH*

[Inflikted]

How do you know you're a sociopath? Did you pass some sort of test? Or fail some sort of test?

Are you extremely (as in almost scary) intelligent?

 

Well, I've never been "tested", but I seem to have the "symptoms" of being a sociopath. Based on what I've heard about sociopaths, it seems to match up quite well to me.

 

Am I intelligent? I don't know. I'd like to think I am. Well, let me rephrase that. I like to present myself as being as intelligent as possible; the way I speak, the way I write, I try to present it all in the most intelligent way possible. Not for any particular reason other than wanting that for myself. And while there's a very narrow line of subjects I consider myself fairly knowledgeable on, there's a lot of things, even just practical aspects of living life, that I'm very naive and downright ignorant about.

 

When you say "jarring", I think again of someone who may feel 'too much' for them to handle so instead of processing and learning how to accept the intense emotions, they could be tamped down to a point where there is just, nothing...

 

Yeah, it's very difficult to properly describe. My past experiences have shown me that, whenever I "feel" something for someone, I always make the worst possible decisions in my "pursuits" to that person (be it platonic or romantic). To me, realizing I "feel" something for someone is like the point where I completely fall off the cliff; there's just no hope of stopping myself from splatting on the ground.

 

Additionally, the "highs" of feeling something are so very brief compared to the lows. For example, the girl I liked a few years ago; I felt so "alive" at first, but it only lasted a month or two, and after that, I spent the next few years (even now, when I haven't seen her in quite some time) feeling so horrible about how it all turned out. It always just goes downhill so quickly, and then I just get stuck at the bottom of said hill and can't get myself back up again.

[ComingInHot]

I wish there was something I could do to help you but I am just not qualified to do more than listen and tell you I wish the very best for you Inkfliked* and I am certain I am not the only one!

CiH*

[Inflikted]

I wish there was something I could do to help you but I am just not qualified to do more than listen and tell you I wish the very best for you Inkfliked* and I am certain I am not the only one!

CiH*

 

I appreciate the sentiment. Not to sound ungrateful, but I wish I could find more than that, though. No matter where I go, no matter who I talk to, no matter what I do, I just can't find an "answer" for myself.

[neowulf]

I guess I just miss the "high" of feeling something for someone.

 

A true born sociopath path has never known "the high" of feeling for someone. They are physically incapable of empathy. Have you ever tortured or killed small animals? Have you ever laughed in the face of someone's excruciating agony? If the answer to these questions is "no", then it's unlikely you're a sociopath.

 

If you've experienced that "high" before, then chances are, you are physically able to.. and are experiencing a form of mental illness.

 

What you do sound like is chronically and deeply depressed. Depression does not always manifest as "sadness". Sometimes it is just an emptiness. An inability to care. A disconnection from the people and activities you enjoy.

 

One of the key indicators of depression is the false belief that "nothing I do can fix this". I've heard you say several times now "What's the point.. it won't change".

 

The fact is, if you don't try, it won't. It is not a give in that you are destined to be alone and miserable. You can choose a different life for yourself. The fact that you can't see that leads me to believe you are not well and really need some professional support to help you get on the right path.

 

Have you considered trialing anti-depressants?

[Inflikted]

A true born sociopath path has never known "the high" of feeling for someone. They are physically incapable of empathy. Have you ever tortured or killed small animals? Have you ever laughed in the face of someone's excruciating agony? If the answer to these questions is "no", then it's unlikely you're a sociopath.

 

Well, no. But I can recall have fleeting thoughts that would be very questionable, thoughts that kind of freaked me out and made me feel like a horrible person. To me, that's just as bad.

 

What you do sound like is chronically and deeply depressed. Depression does not always manifest as "sadness". Sometimes it is just an emptiness. An inability to care. A disconnection from the people and activities you enjoy.

 

One of the key indicators of depression is the false belief that "nothing I do can fix this". I've heard you say several times now "What's the point.. it won't change".

 

The fact is, if you don't try, it won't. It is not a give in that you are destined to be alone and miserable. You can choose a different life for yourself. The fact that you can't see that leads me to believe you are not well and really need some professional support to help you get on the right path.

 

Have you considered trialing anti-depressants?

 

Perhaps, but that belief stops me from doing anything, even seeking professional help. I would have to conquer that belief first in order to be able to pursue professional help with the right mind set. Although, if I could conquer that belief, I probably wouldn't need professional help any longer. Kind of a catch 22.

 

As for antidepressants, I'm skittish about medications, and to be honest, I don't even know how to go about procuring these even if I wanted to. I don't really "have" a doctor, haven't even been to one since I was a kid.

[neowulf]

Well, no. But I can recall have fleeting thoughts that would be very questionable, thoughts that kind of freaked me out and made me feel like a horrible person. To me, that's just as bad.

 

Perhaps, but that belief stops me from doing anything, even seeking professional help. I would have to conquer that belief first in order to be able to pursue professional help with the right mind set. Although, if I could conquer that belief, I probably wouldn't need professional help any longer. Kind of a catch 22.

 

As for antidepressants, I'm skittish about medications, and to be honest, I don't even know how to go about procuring these even if I wanted to. I don't really "have" a doctor, haven't even been to one since I was a kid.

 

If you feel guilty for your thoughts, it means you have empathy. A sociopath is unable to understand the notion of "guilt". I'm not disagreeing that you seem deeply shut down emotionally though. Hence my thought on the depression front.

 

Something you should know about belief. It's just a thought. It's not an action. If I told you to jump on one leg, you don't have to believe you can do it. You just have follow through with the action of jumping on one leg. You don't need belief to take action. You just need to set belief aside and *take* action.

 

I completely understand you feeling skittish about anti-depressants. I fought against my illness for 5 years without medication, despite being told multiple times that I really need it. In the end, I just decided I was sick of barely being able to function, sick of losing people because of my illness. I took a risk and it paid off.

 

No one can save you man. No one can step in and force you to make the choices that can improve your life. Maybe you're not ready to make the choices you need to make. But until you choose to take action, you don't stand a chance of improving.

 

You can try and yeah, maybe fail. But if you never try, I promise you, the problem *will not* fix itself.

 

Please consider at least going to a doctor and talking about your situation. No one's going to hold a gun to your head and force you to do anything. But there's only so much advice we can give you here. It's your actions that are going to determine how this plays out.

 

I wish you the best. It's a damn hard road to walk. I hope you decide your one and only life is worth saving.

Edited February 27, 2015 by neowulf

[Inflikted]

Something you should know about belief. It's just a thought. It's not an action. If I told you to jump on one leg, you don't have to believe you can do it. You just have follow through with the action of jumping on one leg. You don't need belief to take action. You just need to set belief aside and *take* action.

 

I understand, but this belief, this complete and utter feeling of hopelessness, I just can't seem to put it aside. It holds me back from doing much of anything anymore. Like I said before, I think I need to overcome this belief in order to pursue professional help, and again, if I could overcome this belief, I probably wouldn't even need professional help any longer, because this is the only thing that's really holding me back, I think.

 

Anyway, no, you don't necessarily need belief to take an action, but for me, when it comes to something that's going to require a lot of energy, and especially a lot of money (money that I don't have), such as therapy, I NEED some belief, some level of confidence, that it's going to work, that it's going to work in a span of time that I deem acceptable, and that it's all going to be for the best. For something long term like that, I need to feel as though it's going to be worthwhile for me, because otherwise, I just don't care and I don't have the interest or desire to pursue it. And that's where I'm at with it.

[neowulf]

I understand, but this belief, this complete and utter feeling of hopelessness, I just can't seem to put it aside.It holds me back from doing much of anything anymore. Like I said before, I think I need to overcome this belief in order to pursue professional help, and again, if I could overcome this belief, I probably wouldn't even need professional help any longer, because this is the only thing that's really holding me back, I think.

 

That feeling you describe. That is depression. That's what it feels like. That inability to see any way forward, to muster any desire to help yourself. I know that feeling. Very, very well. I fought it for years. I recognize it in you. You can not trust your own thoughts when you are depressed. One of the key symptoms of depression is that it creates an attitude that prevents suffers from getting help.

 

Anyway, no, you don't necessarily need belief to take an action, but for me, when it comes to something that's going to require a lot of energy, and especially a lot of money (money that I don't have), such as therapy, I NEED some belief, some level of confidence, that it's going to work, that it's going to work in a span of time that I deem acceptable, and that it's all going to be for the best. For something long term like that, I need to feel as though it's going to be worthwhile for me, because otherwise, I just don't care and I don't have the interest or desire to pursue it. And that's where I'm at with it.

 

You are chasing guarantee's that your effort will be rewarded. That is faulty thinking. There are no guarantee's other than this; If you continue to do the same, you will have the same outcome. If you fail to try and change, you will stay the same and the problems will grow worse.

 

We've come to the end of whatever advice I can offer you. It is my personal belief you need medical support to help address the depression before you can make further progress. Pills won't magically change your life, but they will open you up to the idea of change.

[Hope Shimmers]

That feeling you describe. That is depression. That's what it feels like. That inability to see any way forward, to muster any desire to help yourself. I know that feeling. Very, very well. I fought it for years. I recognize it in you. You can not trust your own thoughts when you are depressed. One of the key symptoms of depression is that it creates an attitude that prevents suffers from getting help.

 

I haven't read most of this thread but I had to chime in here and say that this is so, so true. Extremely insightful and this poster has been through it, because only someone who has been through it could ever write that so accurately.

 

When you are depressed you have a different 'baseline'. You can't trust that baseline. You don't understand that you need help and that you are depressed. You know you feel hopeless but you somehow don't think that you should do anything about it. It doesn't occur to you as a reason for why you are feeling that way and therefore you don't seek help. You don't even think you need it.

 

I am speaking from a position of having been on both sides - a patient with extreme clinical depression, and a physician who treats patients with it.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[Inflikted]

Yes, I understand that. I just... don't know how to overcome that. I wish I could be stronger or have more resolve, or whatever it takes to fight that off. But I don't have that willpower. I want to have that, but I just... don't. And it bothers me that I don't. It bothers me that I'm not strong enough to fight it.

 

You are chasing guarantee's that your effort will be rewarded. That is faulty thinking. There are no guarantee's other than this; If you continue to do the same, you will have the same outcome.

 

It's not so much about looking for guarantees. Rather, I only ever feel motivation to do something when I have a clear, measurable goal. I realize nothing is ever a guarantee. But in order to draw up motivation, I look for something concrete to work towards.

 

For example, I floated around aimlessly through college for several years because I had no real idea of what I wanted to do for a career. I was wasting time and money, and I was getting to a point where I was ready to give up on college altogether. When I figured out what I wanted to do for a living, I figured out how to focus my education, and I finally completed school. Of course, I fell off after graduation because I've been unable to find a job, because there's been nothing "concrete" for me to set my sights on and work towards.

 

Another example. I had a crippling fear of driving, never learned how to do it, never got my license, and had no desire to ever overcome that fear. Then I fell for the girl from a few years ago, and I felt compelled to overcome my fear because I didn't think she'd ever date someone who couldn't drive. And within the span of two weeks, I learned to drive and got my license. Because she was a "concrete" goal to work towards. She was a real person, she wasn't some fantasy "maybe".

 

I understand that it's probably a bad character flaw for myself, but if there's not some specific concrete thing for me to set my sights on and work towards, I feel zero sense of motivation. Professional help offers no real specific goals or time frames. It's all vague notions. Maybe at some point it would help me get better. But what is " some point "? Months, years, decades...? And what is " better "? There's just nothing specific enough about any of that to stir up motivation in me.

[neowulf]

Yes, I understand that. I just... don't know how to overcome that. I wish I could be stronger or have more resolve, or whatever it takes to fight that off. But I don't have that willpower. I want to have that, but I just... don't. And it bothers me that I don't. It bothers me that I'm not strong enough to fight it.

 

It's not so much about looking for guarantees. Rather, I only ever feel motivation to do something when I have a clear, measurable goal. I realize nothing is ever a guarantee. But in order to draw up motivation, I look for something concrete to work towards.

 

For example, I floated around aimlessly through college for several years because I had no real idea of what I wanted to do for a career. I was wasting time and money, and I was getting to a point where I was ready to give up on college altogether. When I figured out what I wanted to do for a living, I figured out how to focus my education, and I finally completed school. Of course, I fell off after graduation because I've been unable to find a job, because there's been nothing "concrete" for me to set my sights on and work towards.

 

Another example. I had a crippling fear of driving, never learned how to do it, never got my license, and had no desire to ever overcome that fear. Then I fell for the girl from a few years ago, and I felt compelled to overcome my fear because I didn't think she'd ever date someone who couldn't drive. And within the span of two weeks, I learned to drive and got my license. Because she was a "concrete" goal to work towards. She was a real person, she wasn't some fantasy "maybe".

 

I understand that it's probably a bad character flaw for myself, but if there's not some specific concrete thing for me to set my sights on and work towards, I feel zero sense of motivation. Professional help offers no real specific goals or time frames. It's all vague notions. Maybe at some point it would help me get better. But what is " some point "? Months, years, decades...? And what is " better "? There's just nothing specific enough about any of that to stir up motivation in me.

 

If you want a concert goal, perhaps I can offer you some perspective;

 

If you fail to correct this problem, if you continue to feel the way you do, what is your life going to look like in 5 years? How about 10? When you finally reach that point where you're at the end of the road, waiting to die, what are you going to think of your life?

 

I've had friends die young. I worked with a man who had just married and had his first child, only to die of skin cancer before she was 1 year old. He would have given ANYTHING to stay with his wife and child. Go to the children ward at your local hospital and have a chat to the 12 year old's who aren't going to make it to their 13th birthday.

 

This life isn't a game. It is precious and we only get one go around.

 

It's not about strength. There's nothing hard about jumping on google, finding the nearest medical clinic and booking an appointment. There's nothing hard about showing up to said appointment and explaining yourself. There's nothing hard about physically taking the medication like you're told.

 

No, the HARD part is getting out of your own way and just *taking* action.

If you want a concrete goal, start there. See a doctor and talk about your condition. Do that and see where it leads.

 

I can't make you care about your life or where you end up. That's on you. I can only try and nudge you onto a path might help you.

Edited February 28, 2015 by neowulf