rpal12 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Hello all. Found this forum through a Google search and the below thread from a while back that really sums up my feelings quite well. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/46427-how-do-you-deal-guilt-wanting-divorce-when-your-spouse-does-not To save you from reading all this I am just very unhappy in my marriage and have been at some level for a long time. We have been together for about 11 years since college. Married for three. We have a six month old as well. Her birth really spurred much of this for me and is the thing keeping me hanging around and trying to work through this. I am terrified of leaving her even for part of the time and not seeing her every day. Right before she was born I started to realize how I want more in my life and how my marriage isn't achieving that. I spent the first 7 or 8 years putting tons of effort in and started backing off when I never received any of the same care. I've since completely detached emotionally and physically. I want to want to feel everything again but I just can't make the feelings come. I've tried faking interest and going with the flow but it just makes me feel worse. I've been in therapy about seven or eight months and I find myself just counting down the days until I can get my life back and start to make it better for my daughter and I. The hardest part for me is that I very much care about my wife. I don't hate her and have a hard time being mad at her. I also have such a hard time wrapping my head around ending my marriage when I don't dislike my wife and the thought of crushing her is very hard to stomach. Any tips or guidance? I understand that this isn't a healthy relationship and nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who isn't into it. Really struggling with this. Thank you very much. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Will you wife go to therapy with you? Do you want her to? Does she know how you feel, or do you know how she feels? Does she simply want the steadiness of a husband in the home, or does she want you in particular? You sound like you have already decided. If so, not sure counseling would be helpful. But you might feel better for making the attempt to save your marriage, down the line. If it is not salvageable, your child is young enough to grow up knowing two households from the start. If you really are going, sooner the better, if your feelings are not going to change. Sometimes we just know that the love won't come back. Sometimes it can be coaxed back to life. That is what you need to find out for sure, before making such a life-altering move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rpal12 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Thanks for the quick response. She has just started to go to counselling on her own. Even if things between us don't work I think it would still stand to help her a lot in the future. I have told her my feelings as well as I can. Pretty much verbatim with what I said here. She still says she wants to be in this relationship but part of me expects she likes the idea of being married more than the actual marriage we are in. I have doubts about any benefit going together would yield. I feel as though I need to truly want to make it work first then we may be able to go together and work further from there. I have been giving it time to avoid making a quick decision but at this stage I just want to be happy. I know we both got us here but there has been nagging thoughts in my head and a gut feeling that I won't ever be truly happy in this situation and that's not fair to me or her. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 You are right, it is not fair to stay with her if you don't want to be with her. It sounds cold, but it does not do anyone any good to spend their lives with people they don't want to be with. It is sad that a baby is involved, but maybe better to split now than later. If you are decided...you may as well go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I am terrified of leaving her even for part of the time and not seeing her every day. unfortunately - if you're sure about the divorce, this is something you'll just have to accept. i assume you'll have some type of joint custody (one parent having sole custody is bad for the child IMO) & you'll have to share your kid with her mother since she needs both active parents in her life... so yeah, you won't have her full time. I spent the first 7 or 8 years putting tons of effort in and started backing off when I never received any of the same care. what happened exactly? you were trying and working on the relationship and she wasn't interested? I've been in therapy about seven or eight months and I find myself just counting down the days until I can get my life back and start to make it better for my daughter and I. it's up to YOU to make better life for yourself but it's up to you AND your wife to make a better life for your daughter. you can't just squeeze the wife out of the picture, your daughter's happiness is also your wife's responsibility. remember, she needs TWO parents in her life. Any tips or guidance? basically, you're out. you've checked out and that's it. no turning back. however... i would suggest you wait until the baby is a year old because it gets easier with the custody and everything... younger kids are more needy so it's harder to "share" them between parents. also, one question - is there anyone else you're interested in? is there another woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rpal12 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Without sounding overly cold she just didn't put the effort in. We have been very far apart physically for years and all of my attempts (going out, reading books, trying, not trying, you name it) and I just don't look at her in a physical way any longer. I recognize she is good looking but also that we are physically incompatible and I seriously doubt I will ever be fulfilled in that area. On top of that she is just very high strung and not a very self reliant person. I often feel more like a parent than partner. Basically I feel as though I put every effort forward to meet her needs while she never reciprocated. Basically feels like she took me for granted, albeit not knowingly or with intent. I definitely realize she needs us both and I would love to have fifty fifty custody if it comes to that. She definitely needs her mom in her life and I would never want to take that away. I have known people with a very obvious connection but have made a very concerted effort to avoid them and not cloud up everything with that confusing things. One being more recently but haven't seen or talked with her in months. Throughout our relationship I've run into women I have a strong connection with while I've never gone far enough to act on it. But that being said in my mind it's been more than a fleeting look which serves a further proof that over time I've never been truly content. Edited February 17, 2015 by rpal12 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 You say you have been together for 11 years & married for 3. Things waned for you at the 7-8 year mark . So in essence you LIED when you took your marriage vows. Then to make things worse you brought a kid into this mess. Your decision making skills are sorely lacking when it comes to this relationship.. You said things like for better or worse, in sickness & in health for good times & bad. Sorry you are presently experiencing the negatives sides of this but marriage & children are not guarantees of happiness. If your wife is willing to go to marriage counseling with you, go. You two need professional help sorting through the problems you both caused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rpal12 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Thanks for the response. I understand your point but I really have only come to realize much of this through my own therapy. I was never regularly miserable but I definitely was basically just ok. Ok enough never to find a good enough reason to leave. But also never as happy as I want to be. I kind of just accepted this as what it would be. Link to post Share on other sites
Biere123 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I totally get where you are coming from OP. I battle the same thing. You don't hate her, it just feels more like a friendship. Marriage is supposed to be more than that right? Having a child certainly doesn't help anything. Good luck in your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rpal12 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 Thanks for the reply. I'm sure like many people I'm trying to reconcile my feelings of responsibility for others with my responsibility for my own happiness which is ultimately the only persons happiness I can control. Just a lot of guilt in feeling selfish for my own wants and needs. It's hard when there is no anger to try and imagine walking away. Doesn't seem like a "good enough" reasonand self centered Link to post Share on other sites
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