So angry and jealous at people who are suppose to be my friends

[amkxoxo]

So I am very frustrated. Months ago my good friend Kelly,introduced me to some of her high school friends. We are all in our last yearof college or like me, some of us have graduated and am working a real job. Theywere these two guys whom she had become friends with after college. They seemedto be really nice guys, and after we met they continually invited Kelly and Iout with them for drinks and innocent fun. Let’s call the two guys, Ryan andJohn. John is not my type, but is very friendly and loves to get to know you asa person. John had shown interest in Kelly and then myself, but we both turnedhim down. He stays cordial with us as friends. Ryan is more my type. He has a coolattitude about him. People seem to love him. He seems to love when people lovehim. Ryan was funny, smart, personable. I was attracted to his confidence.

 

 

 

 

Over the last year I had become quite sarcastic. I had beenthrough a lot with men and friends of mine taking advantage of me, using me,and stabbing me in the back. Now I am just sarcastic and call it like it seems,because I won’t stand for games and being played, because I am overly nice andpassive. I started to become good friends with both of these guys. The four ofus would go our almost every weekend. They started including us with theirother friends, and I made some new friends. I loved it. I felt like I fit inwell with a group, which I needed since most of my friends graduated and movedback to their homes far away from college. I needed new friends and these peoplelived in the area.

 

 

 

 

I started to fall for Ryan. When we talked, we hit it off,and Kelly told me even John was a little jealous because Ryan and I seemedchummy. One night we all went back to my apartment after a night out fordrinks. Ryan and I seemed to be flirting and laughing and talking really well.At one point I had him follow me into my room to show him something I hadgotten. I am very innocent , so I didn’t mean anything by it. Maybe it was thewrong idea, but I am not the type of girl to bring someone into my bedroomexpecting something. Then we ended up sitting on the floor talking for hours.Every so often John and Kelly would come in and “check” on us. Kelly said John was convinced Ryan and I were doingsomething other than talking, but Kelly assured him I wasn’t that type of girl.Which I felt I proved that night. After my past dating experiences, I was notgoing to pursue a guy. He could pursue and get to know me. But I started reallyliking Ryan

 

 

What made me angry was that times when we went out in a biggroup of friends, Ryan would be basking in everyone’s attention, and barelybothering with me. He would come in the door and people would love that he wasthere and he would love the attention. He would barely talk to me unless heneeded something. I would try and be near him and strike up conversation, buthe didn’t reciprocate the effort. I didn’t like this. When it was just the fourof us, Myself, Ryan, Kelly, and John, Ryan seemed to want to talk and jokearound. He seemed to like that I was there. But if others were around, he didnot. I started getting frustrated with his lack of attention for me, and Idecided that he didn’t like me like I originally thought. As I started to giveup, we all went out one night. It was John, Ryan, myself, and my guy roommate.Surprisingly Ryan was all over me. Talking to me and joking with me. He seemedvery interested. This made me laugh because I was giving my roommate a lot ofattention that night and not him. I was focusing on my roommate because he didn’tknow anyone else. Ryan kept getting my attention and it almost seemed like hewas taunting me. Like he was using my underlying feelings for him and trying toget under my skin. He kept making funny comments about risqué girls at the bar.He would tell me how he was into blondes, and sorry for my loss (since I’m brunette).All these little comments seemed to amount to him seeming to maybe like meagain. What also happened, was that he eventually asked me for help withsomething he had to do for school. I had resources at my job that could helphim. I went home that night overly happy, and then sad, because he wasbuttering me up to get something from me. That was mean.

 

 

 

 

We started texting about what he needed help on and theywould string into long conversations back and forth. I thought maybe we couldget to know each other, while also getting his work done. I was feisty andsarcastic with him, asking him what I got out of helping him etc… I made it seemlike I wasn’t going to help him, or that it was a burden. When in fact I wentover and above and did great work for him, because I am a nice person, and wouldn’tdo anything less for anyone else. When he realized how much work I was doing hestarted calling me on the phone to communicate more. The conversations werebrief. He eventually had what he needed and I didn’t hear from him again. Thelast conversation we had, he told me a secret of his that barely anyone knows.He told me I couldn’t tell anyone and that Kelly couldn’t even know. I havekept his secret. We don’t talk anymore. He will text when he wants Kelly and Ito go out with everyone, but other than that, nothing.

 

 

 

 

My tipping point with this guy was the other night. Hemessaged everyone about going out for drinks. His friend Mike was in town andthey wanted to go out. A big group of us went, and I met some new people. Iinvited my guy roommate again, and Kelly was there too. My guy roommate showedup with a random girl I had never seen before. She was extremely nice andfriendly. She and I talked often throughout the night, she told me she had aboyfriend in conversation.I barely madecontact with Ryan. Ryan’s friend Mike, who is very attractive also barely madecontact with me. I was hoping Mike would maybe think I was cute, but he didn’t reallytry. Mike and Ryan were drinking and laughing with certain people and havingfun. They noticed the girl my roommate brought and called me over to them. Igot excited. Ryan put his around me in a fun and friendly way. I got excited.Then he asked me if the girl with my roommate was his girlfriend. When I said “no”,and asked why, he told me it was because Mike and he thought she was hot and didn’tknow if she was taken or not. This made me mad. You invite me out, a girl, as afriend, in a group, and you are asking me about other girls. Way to make mefeel special. I felt like crap. And to call me over and talk to me the wholetime in the night about some other girls is extremely rude. I am blunt, so Icame out and told them it was rude. Ryan ignored me.

 

 

I was so upset. I went over and told Kelly what happened andhow rude it was. I didn’t realize John was nearby, hearing what I was saying.He piped in and said “are you jealous? You sound jealous?” I denied myjealousy, but I probably was. It was rude. I have other guy friends who I goout with, who don’t do those things. A few days later I thought it was strangethat Mike was connecting with me and my roommate on social media. Mike barelytalked to my roommate that night. It was all to get to that girl. I startedseeing pictures online of Mike and the girl from that night. I was raging made.I am positive Ryan was with them. They used me and my roommate to hang out withsome other girl. You don’t do that. That would be like Kelly introducing me toJohn and Ryan, and I just start hanging out with them, without Kelly. I am soangry now. Like for one, I am jealous because I am a good catch. I am cute andfunny and smart and pretty. I have a lot to offer. They are both idiots. Second, you just don’t do that. You meet this girl through my roommate and Iand you become best friends with her behind our backs. Like she and I go toschool together. They don’t even go to our school. There were pictures of themat our school. But they don’t go to visit me, who is supposed to be their friend. They visit some hot girl they just met. I am so done. I am so mad. Like they are treating this girl like their shiny new toy. Maybe I am a bit jealous. When they first met me, I was the fun new person, and now I'm not as special to them. I know people are interested in me. John asked me out and some of the other guys in their friend group have asked me out. I just was not interested in any of them. That's not nice, its wrong. Maybe they don't like me because I am blunt and they know they can't mess with me. I am not easy. Maybe I am not important because I don't bring woman around for them. Kelly told me that before they met me, they would ask Kelly what I looked like and stuff. Whatdo people think of this situation? Am I wrong?

Edited February 17, 2015 by amkxoxo

[Jessie1231]

It sounds like you're mad that male friends are paying attention to females who aren't you and not focusing solely on you during nights out, so yes, your anger seems a little odd to me.

 

They are male friends, not your boyfriends, so why shouldn't they pay as much attention as they want to other women?

[Zahara]

You're jealous. You hate that you're not getting the attention of these guys.

 

They're not your boyfriends. Just friends. They can do whatever they like with other women. You need to tone down your expectations and rigid rules as to how they HAVE to behave and stop looking for these guys to validate you.

[OMC]

"Am I wrong?"

 

 

Yes. You sound like a narcissistic brat. It is no wonder the guys don't pay attention to you when they are in larger groups and can avoid you. I imagine the truth be known they would rather you not be included period.

[amkxoxo]

I don't mean to come across this way. I think I am just bitter for Ryan's sudden non interest in me. I went through something really bad with a guy I was dating a year ago and it broke me inside. My way of protecting myself is not taking anyone's crap and trying to put up a wall, which has now become a wall of sarcasm. I used to be more easy going, but then I let a lot of people get away with stuff that ended up hurting me. I am confused about how to be.

 

 

I know this seems crazy, but if you have seen the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie, my last relationship was just like that, minus the crazy sex BDSM escapades. The guy I was seeing would manipulate me with his words so that he could get away with stuff many other girls would not take. He kept me around this way. I cared a lot for him and always will, but time and time again I was left upset, crying, and confused. He would swoop in and make me think I was crazy with romantic kisses and kind words. By the end I had, had enough. I was done. It has made me quite bitter.

 

 

Is everything these guys are doing right? I have other guys friend who I go out with and they never make comments about other women when I am with them. They don't ask me about other women because it is disrespectful. They are pretty much saying, You aren't cute or anything but we think those girls over there are. One time Kelly told me that when she was out with these guys, they saw some cute girls and were pushing her over to talk to the girls so that they would have an in with them. That's rude.

Edited February 17, 2015 by amkxoxo

[Jessie1231]

I don't mean to come across this way. I think I am just bitter for Ryan's sudden non interest in me. I went through something really bad with a guy I was dating a year ago and it broke me inside. My way of protecting myself is not taking anyone's crap and trying to put up a wall, which has now become a wall of sarcasm. I used to be more easy going, but then I let a lot of people get away with stuff that ended up hurting me. I am confused about how to be.

 

 

I know this seems crazy, but if you have seen the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie, my last relationship was just like that, minus the crazy sex BDSM escapades. The guy I was seeing would manipulate me with his words so that he could get away with stuff many other girls would not take. He kept me around this way. I cared a lot for him and always will, but time and time again I was left upset, crying, and confused. He would swoop in and make me think I was crazy with romantic kisses and kind words. By the end I had, had enough. I was done. It has made me quite bitter.

 

That isn't a reason to get mad that your male friends don't pay attention to only you. If you keep that up, you very likely won't have those male friends anymore.

[Zahara]

Is everything these guys are doing right? I have other guys friend who I go out with and they never make comments about other women when I am with them. They don't ask me about other women because it is disrespectful. They are pretty much saying, You aren't cute or anything but we think those girls over there are. One time Kelly told me that when she was out with these guys, they saw some cute girls and were pushing her over to talk to the girls so that they would have an in with them. That's rude.

 

If you have other guy friends that you feel treat you better or provide you with the attention you need, then hang out with them. If you deem these guys rude then stop hanging out with them.

 

People aren't supposed to change because it is relevant to you. You make that change and stop hanging out with people that do not make you feel good.

 

And you need to work on dealing with your emotional issues from your past relationships, as you seem to be dragging all that baggage into your friendships as well.

[kendahke]

I don't mean to come across this way. I think I am just bitter for Ryan's sudden non interest in me. I went through something really bad with a guy I was dating a year ago and it broke me inside. My way of protecting myself is not taking anyone's crap and trying to put up a wall, which has now become a wall of sarcasm. I used to be more easy going, but then I let a lot of people get away with stuff that ended up hurting me. I am confused about how to be.

 

Check your bitterness. Ryan is entitled to his preferences, just like everyone else is. He doesn't owe you interest. Unless the other person appreciates sarcasm, it's usually a huge turn off and it makes you look like a Debbie Downer. Fact of the matter is: all of you are grown. No one needs anyone else's permission to hang out with anyone but the person with whom they want to hang out. You aren't owed an invite just because they met this woman through your roommate.

 

If you're not over what you went through with your ex, then perhaps putting yourself out there in a romantic way is still a bit too soon and you've still got baggage you need to sort.

 

I know this seems crazy, but if you have seen the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie

 

Never

my last relationship was just like that, minus the crazy sex BDSM escapades. The guy I was seeing would manipulate me with his words so that he could get away with stuff many other girls would not take. He kept me around this way. I cared a lot for him and always will, but time and time again I was left upset, crying, and confused. He would swoop in and make me think I was crazy with romantic kisses and kind words. By the end I had, had enough. I was done. It has made me quite bitter.

 

The resolution for this episode in your life is for you to attain. It's no other man's responsibility to resolve this for you. I dont' see how Ryan, Mike or John were manipulating you. Your expectations were out of sync to what was falling out in experience at your feet. Everyone was friends here. No one was a boyfriend manipulating you.

 

Is everything these guys are doing right? I have other guys friend who I go out with and they never make comments about other women when I am with them.

 

I see nothing wrong with what they were doing. They didn't owe you anything like that. Everyone is free to fancy whomever they wish as long as they were not already in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone else. Just because you fancied Ryan doesn't mean he owed you anything.

 

They don't ask me about other women because it is disrespectful. They are pretty much saying, You aren't cute or anything but we think those girls over there are. One time Kelly told me that when she was out with these guys, they saw some cute girls and were pushing her over to talk to the girls so that they would have an in with them. That's rude.

 

So, since you and Kelly know these guys do this, stop going out with them. That is the only control of the situation you can exact. Control yourself. Control the proximity to which you place your person when it comes to guy YOU KNOW do this. They are not going to change for girls with whom they are not intimately or sexually involved. You and Kelly probably are not their type, so they aren't really checking for you in that way. Ever think of that? Just like John wasn't your type--did you owe him reciprocity just because he fancied you? You'd say "no I don't". Well then. Neither do Ryan or Mike.

[OMC]

This

 

 

'People aren't supposed to change because it is relevant to you. You make that change and stop hanging out with people that do not make you feel good.'

 

 

Read it over and over and over and over.

 

 

It is what it is... until you do something to change it. In this case it is your need to be the center of attention. Or at least not have guys acknowledge there is another female in their presence they prefer to know than you.

 

 

You do understand the guys you are hanging with do NOT want a relationship with you dontcha?

[amkxoxo]

Its not about them not being interested in me or not. Though that is why I am jealous, it is about me caring way to much about other people. I care way to much about other people and its hurt me in the past with friends and guys. So I put on this front that I don't care about anyone and I'm self centered. I'm a sweet, nice person. And I care way to much about other people and then they let me down when they care too much about themselves. Maybe I am scaring these guys away. I just don't find it nice to invite your friend (me) out for drinks with a group of people, and then don't bother with me all night, to call me over only to ask about another attractive female. It makes me think that they only invite me out as a wing woman, or hoping I will bring other attractive woman who are my friends. That's not a true friend, that's a user. Ryan doesn't bother with me other than our weekends out with friends. He hasn't tried to get to know me. We aren't even friends if I am concerned. John has actually tried. He texts me and asks me about my favorite movies, and stuff. John keeps up with the lives of Kelly and I. John came over my house one time when I was super busy cleaning for a party, to help me clean with Kelly. That's a friend. I admit, maybe I was getting cocky that many of John and Ryan's guy friend asked me out, so I was assuming everyone saw me as a catch. It boosted my confidence. I am not used to that. I wish I could go back and change things. How can I fix what has already been done?

[Zahara]

Its not about them not being interested in me or not. Though that is why I am jealous, it is about me caring way to much about other people. I care way to much about other people and its hurt me in the past with friends and guys.

 

I think you "care" so much because you seek validation. You want people to like you. You care without boundaries. Your "care" comes with expectations. If you care for someone and they are not reciprocal in their care for you, you create a boundary. You don't get jealous and mad because they're not giving you what you feel you deserve.

 

So I put on this front that I don't care about anyone and I'm self centered. I'm a sweet, nice person. And I care way to much about other people and then they let me down when they care too much about themselves.

 

There is no need to put up a front. You can still be who you are. Just create boundaries. See above.

 

Maybe I am scaring these guys away. I just don't find it nice to invite your friend (me) out for drinks with a group of people, and then don't bother with me all night, to call me over only to ask about another attractive female. It makes me think that they only invite me out as a wing woman, or hoping I will bring other attractive woman who are my friends. That's not a true friend, that's a user.

 

No, you're turning them off. I can imagine you sulking in the corner while they're having fun. I'm sure your irritation reads all over your face. And maybe that's why they keep you in the corner. So what if you're a wing woman? Be a fun wing woman. I've been a wing woman and I like fixing people up and introducing my friends to others. These are guys that are your "friends" -- they're out to meet other women and if you can't stand that, or join in on setting them up, then stay home. You have these expectations that they should be focusing on you. If they invite you, and the attention is elsewhere, you go engage other people or go home.

 

Ryan doesn't bother with me other than our weekends out with friends. He hasn't tried to get to know me. We aren't even friends if I am concerned. John has actually tried. He texts me and asks me about my favorite movies, and stuff. John keeps up with the lives of Kelly and I. John came over my house one time when I was super busy cleaning for a party, to help me clean with Kelly. That's a friend. I admit, maybe I was getting cocky that many of John and Ryan's guy friend asked me out, so I was assuming everyone saw me as a catch. It boosted my confidence. I am not used to that. I wish I could go back and change things. How can I fix what has already been done?

 

You like Ryan and he hasn't entertained you. He's not into you. You want Ryan to be this person that fits your expectations. Not happening. You're upset and jealous. Stop making this is into who's a great friend and who isn't. You're too dependent on being validated by people.

 

There is nothing to change. Stop hanging out with these guys and be around people that don't trigger such reactions. You really need to work on your issues from your past.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Zahara

[amkxoxo]

I have always sought validation from people. It is who I am. I just always can't believe people would invite me, or want me there. I have a hard time accepting that people actually like me. In my mind, how hard is it to care about other people? How hard is it to consider other people in your plans? This is when life hurts me. I consider others and when others don't consider me it hurts me. I need to go back to being the caring, less bitter person I once was. I need to loosen up. I need to be fun and not care what other people are doing or thinking. Sometimes it just bothers me and I can't help it. I have always been a sensitive person. Ryan probably isn't looking for anything serious. His big secret that he told me was that he signed up to go on this program where he is going to have to move away for an extended period of time this summer and who knows when he will come back. No one in that situation is looking for a serious relationship. Guys have told me that I deserve someone so great who can give me a great true relationship. That I am the type they end up with because I'm the girl they marry. It seems some of my girlfriends find these guys now, but I can't seem to find the right guy who wants to make me their girlfriend. To pin me down for only them to have and no one else. I do have expectations, but there aren't anything that are unreasonable. Being a loyal, good person with good intentions isn't a hard thing. But I need to reevaluate what I have been doing. Ryan is going to be gone for a month and in that time I hope to change. I need to become independent and leave my bitterness at the door.

[Zahara]

I need to become independent and leave my bitterness at the door.

 

I think it would be best for you to stop looking for relationships and just focus on yourself. Working out your past hurts, cultivating your own independence, being around people that make you feel good and realizing that the only validation you need is from yourself.

[amkxoxo]

I have such a hard time doing this. I don't even know where to start. My friends are my friends and I don't know how to go about this. My mother has been telling me to meet new friends, but its so hard. I work in an office and everyone is much older than me, with families and retirement funds. I go home to my roommate who has his own life, and we hangout sometimes and I hangout with my usual friends. I am okay living independently. I try and make the best decisions for me. But I do consider others in this. Early on in college people used to praise my friendship. I would plan people's birthdays and surprise them with cake and friends. I would be the first person to help a friend that was sick. I was always picking up little gifts and trinkets I would see that were perfect for my friends. That's how I was. I still do that sometimes, but as I got older in college I started realizing that others don't think of me as much as I think they do. I started focusing on myself. Why couldn't another 21 year old plan a birthday party. Why do I always have to be the one to hold someone's head when they throw up. But others didn't step up. I started dating my ex and it was very fast and passionate. We were in a whirlwind of the honeymoon stage. It was my first love. I was swept away by everything that was him. I figured other people would understand, because they have had boyfriends/girlfriends before. And I have had to pin them down for time because of it. But they didn't.

 

 

I had friends angry that I wasn't around like I was before. But no one would text me to try and make plans with me. I was having people call me a bad friend when I was trying to plan a party and was inviting a lot of my guy's friends too. People I trusted, turned on me. Thus, another reason I am so bitter. People complaining that I wasn't there for them, when they never would say "Hey you free Friday night, lets hangout." And they would get mad when I was with my new guy. This totally messed me up.

 

 

These people who I have gone over and above for couldn't support me being happy with a new guy. One of my friend told me I wasn't allowed to talk about him with her, because she didn't want to hear it. I would talk about him a lot, because it was new and exciting. I felt like no one would support me. I felt alone. That's why I am so stuck now because I feel like unless I am like the overly giving person that's too nice to everyone, like I was before, people don't care.

[snowflakes88]

Yes, you sound a little ridiculous (and immature and very petty). Just because you might be a good catch doesn't mean that someone is obligated to like you, or obligated to NOT like someone else. You said John is a nice guy, yet you rejected his attempts to get to know you b/c you liked his friend. Why is that OK -- yet it's not okay for the other guys in the group to like other girls?

[amkxoxo]

Its not what you are making it out to be. I know that some people don't like me. I understand that. Its more me hurting myself because they don't like me. I work so hard to try and do everything right. To wear the right thing, to look cute, to say the right things, to be so put together, and I care so much that it hurts that none of that makes a difference. I put so much pressure on myself. Looking at other girls, like what did they do that's better than what I have done. I am hard on myself. It makes me upset, because I feel like people cannot see me clearly.

[Zahara]

IThat's why I am so stuck now because I feel like unless I am like the overly giving person that's too nice to everyone, like I was before, people don't care.

 

So essentially you do things to please people. You're a people pleaser rather than a "caring" person. You do what you do to be accepted, to be liked, to feel important, to feel accepted. It also sounds like you have a co-dependent personality. Read up on this behavior traits and see if you fit the bill. These are traits you need to break away from and at 22 you don't want to start your path down a destructive pattern.

 

The more they don't care, the more you give, the more you give, the more you want to feel accepted, the more they don't care, the more you give --- it's a vicious cycle.

 

If you don't get back, don't give. If they get mad at you for not giving, they aren't your friends. And sometimes when you give so much, people take advantage of it and often will disregard your needs because they're too busy taking.

 

Do you have a counselor at your school you can go and talk to?

[amkxoxo]

I don't really have anyone to talk to, that's why I often come on this site. I have tried to talk to friends, but I feel that they don't understand at all. I seek approval from my family as well. I don't know how this got so bad, but my failed relationship I think made it worse. I don't want to keep dwelling on the past. I want to just be me. I constantly seek being happy. I need to look to myself for this. I appreciate everyone who has given good feedback to this thread. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard, and then when others don't try as hard and get happy things, I get sad inside.

Edited February 17, 2015 by amkxoxo

[Zahara]

I don't really have anyone to talk to, that's why I often come on this site. I have tried to talk to friends, but I feel that they don't understand at all. I seek approval from my family as well. I don't know how this got so bad, but my failed relationship I think made it worse. I don't want to keep dwelling on the past. I want to just be me. I constantly seek being happy. I need to look to myself for this. I appreciate everyone who has given good feedback to this thread.

 

It would help for you to seek a professional to help you through this. It's hard to break away from these habits especially when you're also struggling through emotional pain from your past. I would suggest you see your counselor at school, go to the library and dig in to some books on co-dependency/people pleasing and educating yourself or if you can afford it, a professional that can help you understand why you do the things you do and help cope/make changes.

[OMC]

AMK-

 

 

You are responsible for you. No one else. I have been where you are. At one point many decades ago I decided I would not contact any of my friends until/unless they reached out to me. You know what... I went 6 months without talking to any of them. That is when I learned a life lesson, there is one person I can depend on... me. So, I started making decisions and choices that served me and no one else. I am in a good place because of it. Because I made those changes I now have the love of my life with me. I took care of me, so that I can take care of her.

 

 

You are where you are in life due to the sum total of choices you have made since you were a child. You chose this. Want it to be different? Make different, more informed and better choices.

Edited February 17, 2015 by OMC