Girlfriend received filthy text in middle of night

[SadGingerBeardMan]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. Last weekend we went to a casino w/ my parents and brother and in the middle of the night I was awoken by her phone text ding. I asked her who would be texting her this late and she groaned "Just an idiot". Of course this wasn't good enough for me so I kept nagging her until she showed me. The text was from one of her ex's and it read:

 

her ex: "Have you married your bf yet?"

her: "Nope : ) How are you?"

her ex: "Not too bad! Been slammed at work. Been working on the house. No gf yet but no drama Could use some pussy though. The warhammer hasn't done any smashing in a long time. You still not "allowed" to talk to me?

 

By the way warhammer is his pet name for something.

 

Of course this bothered me quite a bit. She said this was completely unwarranted and they haven't been sexually involved for over 4 years. Every once in awhile she would just give me relationship advice. She said that is just the way he talks. Six months before that I found out she went curtain shopping with him without telling me. I thought it was weird and I asked her not to talk to him anymore. She agreed and I thought that was the end of it. She said this was the first time she's talked to him since then. Should I believe her that nothing is going on and he just has a foul mouth? She's very sweet to me so this was all quite shocking. Am I being paranoid or is this something I should worry about?

[OMC]

She's lying. Start peeling away at the onion.

[d0nnivain]

Why is it her her fault or her responsibility to control how he talks? Yes she could block him & I'm not super sure why she doesn't. His language is clearly vulgar but that exchange alone doesn't mean she's cheating. It is cause for concern & a discussion.

[Clay]

She might not be cheating but the fact she is allowing this guy to still be a part of her life will be seriously damaging to your relationship. I can imagine it would be like if some woman were to text you at night. There would be hell to pay. I think the important part is how she deals with this guy. If she tells him she cant talk to him because you don't want her to then you might want to consider checking out of this relationship.

 

If she wants to really be with you she would have quashed that kind of talk all on her own and she would have told him right there and then that she would not be talking to him anymore.

 

I would just tell her if this is the kind of friend you want in your life then there is no room for me. See how she deals with it. I would tell her you want to see it as well.

 

The devil is in the details.

 

Clay

[Chi townD]

Spidey senses aren't shooting off on this one. What put me at ease was she was completely fine with you looking at her phone. If she was cheating and had something to hide, she would guard that thing like Fort Knox.

 

 

I take it that you asked her to cool it with this dude. And seeing his "are you 'allowed' to talk to me" Tells me that they have been in communication and continue to speak regardless of your feelings on the matter.

[SadGingerBeardMan]

Well she didn't really give me the phone. It was 4:30 am in the morning so I was half awake and it didn't start getting to me until later that day. After I got upset she sent me screenshots of all the texts. Supposedly the last one she sent before this series was 6 months ago and it said "Camping w/ bf I'll call you when I get back". She then told me she never actually called him and he never messaged her back until this moment.

[Elias33]

That communication indicates that they have been having contact and find ease in talking about mentioning the warhammer. (Funny though)

 

Now, if she really was repulsed but such advantages, she would've set him straight long time ago. The conversation seemed natural. There is absolutely no indicator of her resisting any of this type of talk. In fact, a smiley, when she explained, she is not married yet.

 

Another thing is that, that she has shared with him, that she was not allowed to talk to him, but yet, it turned in some sort of inside joke between the two.

 

The fact she shared her phone conversation so easily may be because in THAT particular conversation, she hasn't said anything incriminating. To me it looks like, she didn't seem bothered at all to have this conversation with him. And his language, seemed nothing but accepted between the two.

[todreaminblue]

she needs to block him.....i am single and i often get vulgar talk from guys if i cant redirect ....or ask them to stop and they continue.....i leave the room....until they apologise...and leave me alone.....when i am in a relationship i havefoudn they are more likely to leave me alone because they know there is no chance..and yes it has happened liek that...in a relationship i am left alone........

 

 

obviously this ex guy thinks he is in and has that chance...she needs to block him...he is disrespecting you and her and the relationship..deb

[SadGingerBeardMan]

She said that she broke up with him because he talked like this. She says she simply felt sorry for him so she would help give him relationship advice from time to time. She said he was trying to start drama by sending that message.

[kendahke]

Outside of this dude, has she given you any reason to believe she is not trustworthy?

 

You've already asked her to end her communications with him and clearly she hasn't--otherwise these texts wouldn't be there and she wouldn't have been answering them. So you will need to get square with the notion that she's going to keep talking to him despite how you feel about it. Can you be cool with that?

 

You may need to step back from her for a few days and let her know it's time for her to make a choice: either she stops talking/dealing with him in any way or you're out. She can't have both. The time has come for her to decide who she wants to be with and where her loyalties lie. If it's with her ex, best to know now and cut her loose to go back to him.

 

What I think: she will do what she did in the past--give you the okey doke, lead you to believe that she isn't talking to him, but he will contact her and she will engage him because she hasn't stopped talking to him as you asked. Maybe she feels you can't dictate to her who her friends are. Ok. However, you can dictate to yourself who you choose to allow into your intimacy and there is a list of criteria that must be met in order for you to allow it--one of them being not being in touch with ex's of their own volition. It shouldn't take you saying something for her to have already shut this down--she should have been over her ex and free to move forward with you when she agreed to be exclusive with you.

[SadGingerBeardMan]

When we first started dating she went out on Halloween without me (I wasn't feeling well) and kissed a guy and then a different guy walked her home and they "snuggled in bed for a sec" but nothing happened. We hadn't been dating long at that point but we were spending a lot of time together. She felt bad and told me about it. She said she did it cause she heard I was still seeing my ex.

[barcode88]

Well the biggest red flag is the sexual talk from her ex... and the fact that he said "are you still not allowed to talk to me?" which means your GF communicated to him that you were upset. Many would see that as a violation of trust.

 

That being said, she can't control how her ex speaks to her, but I smell funny business going on... I think shes up to something.

 

 

 

 

RE the guy on Halloween, that's what she TOLD you. She could have ****ed that guy's brains out for all you know. She just gave you a PG version.

[SadGingerBeardMan]

I need to mention that she is the sweetest girl I have ever met so seeing her get this text was gut wrenching and completely out of character from her. She's not a flirt either and she is very jealous of me. She was also a little drunk when she texted him.

[Dybbuk]

I would be worried for a few reasons already outlined by Elias33. It's not the smoking gun that she's cheating, but I'd be concerned that she's still hung up on this guy (Not saying that she is... she just might be too nice to tell him to take a hike, but in any case you should consider worse case scenario so you two can work through this). Something about the conversation just screams familiarity to me for a number of reasons...

 

-Initial text he is asking her about her availability, and she responds in a way that makes her sound sorta detached. I've gotten texts from guys I dated and let go once I got together with my BF, and any time they've sent a feeler text to see how I'm "doing" my immediate response is that I'm very happy with my new BF and nothing else. They get the point and quit contacting. If someone is really persistent, I block their number or flat out tell them I'm not interested and for them to leave me alone. Even IF she wants to remain friends with him, she could have answered that text like "Not married, but still happy with my BF, any luck finding someone too?" That translates to = Not married, but not available to you... you should think about moving on too.

 

-If she feels her ex is "Just an idiot" then her response to him shouldn't have included a question nor a smiley face. That basically invites him to start a text conversation with her, and gives the impression that she was happy to hear from him... and I'm sorry if someone texts me that I don't want to talk to my responses are short, to the point, and do not end with a ?. Especially a "How are you?" :/

 

-To me the biggest indicator of familiarity is the fact that he jokes and asks if she's still not 'allowed' to talk to him anymore. You did at one point tell her NOT to talk to him anymore, to which she agreed. However he wouldn't have known about that unless she talked to him afterward and told him about that. It sounds to me like she told him "Hey I can't talk to you anymore because my BF told me I'm not allowed to." and he's kind of making a joke out of it... like how dare you have the audacity to not 'allow' them to speak. In any case, from the looks of this conversation he started talking to her, and she didn't say anything about "Hey I thought we agreed we'd go our separate ways now..." She pretty much reciprocated in conversation.

 

Now, this does NOT mean she's cheating on you. She's not guilty of anything so do not treat her like she's done anything wrong, but what he is doing is inappropriate and needs to stop now. Have a discussion with her, and talk to her about putting some distance between herself and her ex because based on the text you saw he's getting the wrong message and being inappropriate. You don't have to 'forbid' anything, but you do have boundaries on the communication that goes on between her and her ex, and sexually explicit conversation crosses that boundary and you won't tolerate it from him. If she cannot or does not sever ties with him and this type of behavior continues between him and her, I'd start considering extracting yourself form this relationship because at that point I'd think your GF is more concerned with your ex's feelings than your own.

 

Best of luck to you!

[veggirl]

Well she's already cheated on you early in your relationship, she entertains inappropriate texts from an ex...I'd say it's not looking too good OP. She doesn't care ENOUGH ABOUT YOU to put an end to her ex, that's a big red flag...on top of the CHEATING she already did...omg please get your head out of your as$, your gf isn't the sweet innocent thing you think she is. She needs and loves attention from these guys.

[Elias33]

She said that she broke up with him because he talked like this. She says she simply felt sorry for him so she would help give him relationship advice from time to time. She said he was trying to start drama by sending that message.

 

Sounds like a lot of b*llsh*t to me. But I am no expert.

[JS84]

I'm sorry but why haven't you shut that **** down???

[Darren Steez]

I need to mention that she is the sweetest girl I have ever met so seeing her get this text was gut wrenching and completely out of character from her. She's not a flirt either and she is very jealous of me. She was also a little drunk when she texted him.

 

Except when she's kissing dudes at parties and snuggling in bed with them for a second...and talking to ex's about their johnsons.

 

She shows you the texts and tells you stuff because you do exactly zip about it. Nothing wrong with talking to exs or going shopping without telling your bf or from time to time offering relationship advice about warhammers smashing..

[Clay]

I think I would already be on my way out the door. What guy cuddles with a girl in bed and nothing happens. Sounds like she has you right where she wants you.

 

 

I would txt that guy and tell him to come get her. Might be the best revenge you ever get. Imagine the look on his face when he finds out she is cuddling with others.

 

 

Clay

[preraph]

Well, I don't even know why you're worried, because it's obvious he'd still like to at least bang her, but it's equally obvious that if she wanted to bang him his warhammer wouldn't be sitting around petrifying. If she wanted to be with this fool, she'd be with him. Please stop worrying about this. It sounds like they touch base once every six months and he takes her temperature, but a guy doesn't talk like that to a woman he's trying to be exclusive with about needing P. He's horny, but she's done and he knows it. She has free will. If she wanted to be with him, she wouldn't be with you!!

[No Limit]

Of course she just cuddled with him. Right.

Even if she's not encouraging this friend of hers actively - if she ever goes to a party without you and he shows up, he'll be sure to take the chance. She's on the "ONS if possible"-list of several guys, absolutely no relationship material.

[Spectre]

Why is it her her fault or her responsibility to control how he talks? Yes she could block him & I'm not super sure why she doesn't. His language is clearly vulgar but that exchange alone doesn't mean she's cheating. It is cause for concern & a discussion.

 

I don't quite get your logic here. You ask why it is her fault and responsibility to control how he talks. You then proceed to, in the very next sentence, say how she totally *did* have the capability to control how he talks, in that she could of made it impossible for him to talk to her at all.

 

Let me ask you, if it's not her responsibility to block the guy, whose is it? Should the OP of stolen her phone and blocked him? How does that work? If she agreed not to talk to the guy, wasn't it then her responsibility to do everything in her power to stay true to her word?

 

Also, the fact that this girl has cheated on him before means..yeah, she SHOULD of been on top of this, in terms of blocking the guy, etc. but she wasn't. If a girl cheated on me, I forgave her, and then she began receiving texts like this from a guy she supposedly stopped talking to..I'd just cut my losses and walk.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Spectre

[Keke1]

I need to mention that she is the sweetest girl I have ever met so seeing her get this text was gut wrenching and completely out of character from her. She's not a flirt either and she is very jealous of me. She was also a little drunk when she texted him.

 

These posts usually come after the OP has painted the partner in a bad light lol. The text was suspicious man

[Keke1]

When we first started dating she went out on Halloween without me (I wasn't feeling well) and kissed a guy and then a different guy walked her home and they "snuggled in bed for a sec" but nothing happened. We hadn't been dating long at that point but we were spending a lot of time together. She felt bad and told me about it. She said she did it cause she heard I was still seeing my ex.

 

Nothing happened huh? Here we go

[lolablue17]

We hadn't been dating long at that point but we were spending a lot of time together. She felt bad and told me about it. She said she did it cause she heard I was still seeing my ex.

 

When she thought you still seeing you Ex she kissed a guy had another guy in her bed. So she knows how communication with an Ex can make the other partner to feel bad. She's been there. She knows.

 

Just remind her that, and ask her is she going to do something about it, or maybe she prefers to let this guy ruin the atmosphere every time he feels like it.

 

I believe her when she says he means nothing to her. But If she lets a man she doesn't care about, to effect her R with you, it means maybe he is no so unimportant and your R isn't so important.

 

She can prevent it by 2 clicks. (blocking him and never answer him) Although all of this is very very minor and may mean nothing, her choice how to handle it is VERY MEANINGFUL.