The affair, the backstory and the aftermath...

[HereNorThere]

I'm sorry, but this is once again bunk. We aren't dealing with teenagers here, we are dealing with two adults. Was this whole thing a stupid idea to begin with? Yes, I agree, I would never advise anyone to do it. Having said that..if you are going to do it, it comes with certain rules. The golden rule is that both people in the marriage need to be okay with what is going on. If one or both of them decides they are uncomfortable with the situation, then it stops, period. This is no different then doing some kinky and potentially painful sex act and having a safety word. Just because you don't use the word at first doesn't render the word invalid if you decide to use it later on.

 

You don't get to hand wave it by saying "well, he let her do it once". He clearly did not want her to develop feelings for the guy. If she felt she couldn't sleep with him without that happening then she shouldn't of done it. Furthermore, the husband at one point made it quite clear he didn't want her doing it anymore..and she did it again anyways. Her excuse was that she was accused a lot, so she decided to just..make those accusations true, for whatever reason.

 

Couples all the time experiment with different things in their sex lives. Sometimes they find what they did fun and want to keep doing it, sometimes they end up wanting to stop doing that. It was made clear to her he did not want it to continue.

 

Also no, your example was way off. If you want to use that scenario, then this is like getting a teenager drunk and handing him the keys to your car, and him then wrecking it. Then, later on, the teen assuming that since you handed him the keys once he has the right to now take the keys whenever he wants, regardless of whether the guy wants to give him the keys. THAT is what this is like. So you really don't get to spin this onto the husband. He might of put the gun in her hand and told her to pull the trigger once, but she decided all on her own to pull that trigger a couple more times.

 

This really is a prime example of the difference between the female and male brain. In general, men have a lot easier time separating the emotion from sex. You stated "he clearly didn't want her falling for him" but you say that like its a choice. This poster can logically look at the situation and say "you can just stop" but sex and love aren't logical concepts. Falling in love is such an emotional, non-logical, chemical and electrochemical biological response that you can just turn it off once it's happened. This is especially true for the female brain. Personally, I'm thankful that women tend to think on the emotional side. It's probably what kept my mom from leaving me on the side of the road because I wasn't logically a sound investment.

 

This is why you set boundaries in a relationship. Once the chemicals have already started flowing, logic gets thrown out the window. You don't give someone a kilogram of heroin and a box of syringes and say "now you're only allowed to do this once week on Fridays between 3:30 and 4:00" and then end up all butt hurt when you come back later and realize the person's an addict. Sure, you know that there may that one in a million person who can do their one weekly heroin dose, but more often than not, the addiction overtakes what little free will we have as humans. It's much better to not give the person heroin in the first place.

 

And sex and love are MUCH, MUCH more addictive than heroin. And I'm not saying OP is fully in the right here because she's not, but I am stating that there is equal blame to go around. Trust me, when the other family members find out she was sleeping with someone young enough to be her child, she'll end up carrying a rather large burden. However, you can't convince me that a grown man doesn't know that a woman who has only had sex with one male in her whole life has the experience and coping skills to sleep with someone else and not have a high risk of bonding with him. This woman literally has no experience with NSA sex.

 

He took that risk for his own selfish reasons. In the end, he just wasn't as mature and detached as he thought he was. Now that he realizes how bad he screwed up, he's doing everything he can to make OP out to be the bad guy.

 

Let that be a lesson to the other posters. Unless you are a VERY, VERY secure person, don't let people sleep with your partner. Human bonding and emotions by their very nature are not logical concepts you can't talk your way through them. No one could talk your mom into throwing you into a dumpster and no one can talk you out of love.

Edited February 18, 2015 by HereNorThere

[road]

It also doesn't matter if you need to see the guy at a wedding or something. That is part of the whole "actions have consequences" thing. What is more important, attending the wedding of someone else, or fixing your own marriage?

 

 

 

You may know the phrase NC. Though your words show that you do not understand how it works or the need for it.

 

 

You do not understand consequences. The consequence of an affair is NC between the AP's.

[sandylee1]

That would be protecting the WS. Married 26 years - how old are these kids? I see "teen" but teen as in almost adult?

 

There is no reason to involve the kids in everything at all. There could be a lot you don't want your children to see regardless of their ages.

[Acacia98]

Grizzly101, frankly speaking, having read your later posts, I think your original one is kind of misleading. I started out thinking you dove into a secret affair because you felt emotionally neglected. Then I ultimately found out that your husband actually encouraged you to have sex with this guy. Those are two totally different scenarios.

 

Here's my 2 cents:

I think people are individuals. There are people (male & female) who are wired to have sex and partner with one person at a time. There are other people who can separate sex and companionship - basically have one trusted companion and sleep with more than one person. Then there are others who seek out sex and companionship with more than one person. The key is for an individual to figure out which of these groups (or other groups not mentioned here) he/she fits in and to make life decisions accordingly.

 

The problem is that many people don't really know themselves that well. So they think they can sleep with many people and not get attached. Or they think they can maintain monogamy in the long-term. And so they try these things and fail.

 

Your husband sounds to me like a classic case of somebody who doesn't know himself that well. He also sounds like the type of guy who fantasizes about his wife with other men because he is super-insecure and is constantly trying to compare himself with other guys. In this case, he probably encouraged you to imagine sex with other dudes and to sleep with other dudes because his obsession with his perceived inferiority to other men trumped his investment in taking proper care of your emotional needs and his own. Long story short, your husband needs to figure out a lot of stuff on his end. You really shouldn't be looking to him to set your ethical compass for you.

 

And that brings us to you: I think that, like your husband, you didn't really know what your emotional comfort zone was. So you essentially allowed him to tell you what to do (sleep with the other guy), even though you seemed ambivalent/unsure. I believe you also have a lot of stuff to figure out on your end.

 

I don't know if the labels "good guy" or "bad guy" really apply to you and your husband. I think it is more useful to talk about the importance of really taking the time to get to know and understand oneself and one's spouse. You were both acting from a position of confusion and ignorance. And now that you're becoming more self-aware, you're better able to take responsibility for your actions and to make wise choices. Do continue to take the time to work on your marriage and on yourselves as individuals. I wish you the best.

[autumnnight]

I have said that I will cut tied with my friend and not go to the wedding. The thing is, H wants to go to the wedding still and have my relationship with my friend. I don't know if is some kind of "I won her in the end" thing or what.

 

The last time you followed your husband's lead, things didn't end so well.

 

It doesn't matter how magnanimous your husband is. YOU take the lead, YOU take the reins, and just say outright you are NOT going to the wedding and you ARE going NC.

[Spectre]

I know it doesn't make sense to monogamists, but they're swingers, so this is a completely different situation than most couples on loveshack. They have chosen to allow each other to sleep with other people and now he's feeling a little left out.

 

It's an odd concept to most people, but they have a right to have whatever kind of relationship they want.

 

Okay, now you are just plain all over the place. You just friggin said they have the right to whatever kind of relationship they want. The H did not want her sleeping with this guy, not anymore. Only children believe this crazy "permission once equates to permission ALWAYS".

 

You keep saying he gave her permission, but he also then took that permission away, which is all that matters. Let us apply this crazy ass logic to other things in life, shall we? Okay, so one day I knock on the door to your house and you answer and give me permission to come inside for a bit.

 

Soooo, guess what? Now, I am going to go into your house any time I damn well please, and I'm not going to knock on the door or even ask, and why? Because you gave me permission once to do it, so obviously that permission activated some kind of magical seal granting me permission to go into your house from now until the end of time. Yay for you, hope you got Cheerio's because I love them for breakfast.

[Spectre]

This really is a prime example of the difference between the female and male brain. In general, men have a lot easier time separating the emotion from sex. You stated "he clearly didn't want her falling for him" but you say that like its a choice. This poster can logically look at the situation and say "you can just stop" but sex and love aren't logical concepts. Falling in love is such an emotional, non-logical, chemical and electrochemical biological response that you can just turn it off once it's happened. This is especially true for the female brain. Personally, I'm thankful that women tend to think on the emotional side. It's probably what kept my mom from leaving me on the side of the road because I wasn't logically a sound investment.

 

Okay please, we are dealing with adults. So nope, you can stop and if you can't then you divorce.

 

This is why you set boundaries in a relationship. Once the chemicals have already started flowing, logic gets thrown out the window. You don't give someone a kilogram of heroin and a box of syringes and say "now you're only allowed to do this once week on Fridays between 3:30 and 4:00" and then end up all butt hurt when you come back later and realize the person's an addict. Sure, you know that there may that one in a million person who can do their one weekly heroin dose, but more often than not, the addiction overtakes what little free will we have as humans. It's much better to not give the person heroin in the first place.

 

Umm, him telling her to STOP DOING IT WITH HIM was him setting up a boundary. If at that point it was too late for her to adhere to said boundaries then she should of said something.

 

And sex and love are MUCH, MUCH more addictive than heroin. And I'm not saying OP is fully in the right here because she's not, but I am stating that there is equal blame to go around. Trust me, when the other family members find out she was sleeping with someone young enough to be her child, she'll end up carrying a rather large burden. However, you can't convince me that a grown man doesn't know that a woman who has only had sex with one male in her whole life has the experience and coping skills to sleep with someone else and not have a high risk of bonding with him. This woman literally has no experience with NSA sex.

 

Stop making excuses. I don't have to convince you if the H didn't know there was a risk of this happening. All that needs to be pointed out is that he told her to stop and she didn't. Is she a child? Unless she is a child, continually pointing out he let her do it before doesn't make it right.

 

He took that risk for his own selfish reasons. In the end, he just wasn't as mature and detached as he thought he was. Now that he realizes how bad he screwed up, he's doing everything he can to make OP out to be the bad guy.

 

The OP is the bad guy though, she cheated. If you are going to continue to pretend otherwise there is no point. The H was stupid in this, but he also eventually came to his senses and realized he wasn't okay with certain things, and you know what? That is his perogative as an equal in this marriage. So you do not get to suddenly saddle him with the blame when he clearly had a change of heart. Spouting off about "oh she was addicted" doesn't change much. If this was a case of "we both tried something, H didn't like it, and was pissy after" it would be one thing. But the key ingredient here that makes this different is that he told her to stop and she didn't. Bottom line. One person says stop, you stop. If you can't stop? You open up your mouth and say so.

 

Let that be a lesson to the other posters. Unless you are a VERY, VERY secure person, don't let people sleep with your partner. Human bonding and emotions by their very nature are not logical concepts you can't talk your way through them. No one could talk your mom into throwing you into a dumpster and no one can talk you out of love.

 

Um no, the lesson here is if you get permission to do a certain sexual thing and then your partner changes your mind? You STOP IT. You don't get free reign to do it whenever, and you can sit there and go on and on about the different ways men and women view sex. Totally irrelevant, this woman KNEW the H was not okay with it and still continued to do it. That is cheating, that is 100% on her shoulders.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Spectre

[Grizzly101]

Question on age difference:

I am now 41 and OM now 26 - 15yr age difference.

Been with H 26yrs, married 21yrs.

 

The 2nd encounter:

I was w/OM and entire weekend and refrained from anything. Regardless of what I wanted to do, I did not. Not until after the continual accusations due to my phone not being attended to fast enough and H told me to NOT return home! It was still cheating, it was still wrong. I was pissed, hurt and felt I had nothing to lose because I was told not to return home. I slept w/OM on 2 occasions - the initial that H approved & and the 2nd after the above conversation. Again, I'm not looking for sympathy because I don't deserve it, what I did was wrong. I want this to be clear that I was not just jumping into bed the minute I saw the guy.

[Try]

The last time you followed your husband's lead, things didn't end so well.

The last time the OP took her husband's lead and had sex with this other man, she knew it was wrong for her marriage, but did it because the thought of doing it with this other man excited her and as a human she wanted to do it. But morals and protecting our marriage is why most of us refrain from the fun and excitement of sexually exploring relationships with others, even if a humans we are attracted to others that are not our spouse. Similarly, she knows that taking her husband's lead and going to the wedding is wrong for her marriage, but wants to go because it will be fun and exciting. This time she needs to do what is right for her marriage, and not go no matter what her husband says. She can not undo her past mistakes, but she can not make this new one.

[road]

There is no reason to involve the kids in everything at all. There could be a lot you don't want your children to see regardless of their ages.

 

One smart poster. How did she get so smart?

[DKT3]

Just to make a point about getting the "OK". During my wife's affair we had a conversation that turned into her saying "if you were to every want to sleep with another woman one time I wouldn't have to or want to know" with the context of that conversation that was her giving me the "OK". Now at the time I knew nothing of her affair, but did know that it wasn't a good idea even with her blessing.

 

My thoughts on this situation is, even with an open marriage there are boundaries. And crossing those boundaries is infidelity. Not all couple have the parameters of their marriage set in the same place. So even with the husband giving her the OK she crossed the line and entered into an emotional affair which of course wasn't part of the fantasy. Or worst yet, she mislead her husband into thinking it was a random guy when it wasn't.

 

As far as staying in contact, OP you have been very slippery on that subject. At one point you stated that you tell your husband about your conversations with OM then you say you haven't been in contact by may in the future. I will say, if you were truly committed to your marriage and not hurting your husband you wouldn't be so willing to take the outs that he has left open. You would have made the decision yourself that that part of your life was over (AP and his sister).

[Grizzly101]

Not private contact. FB public interaction ie both posting on a group post, interaction there has occurred. H can see that and does not have an issue with that. It is open, no hiding or sneaking.

[road]

Question on age difference:

I am now 41 and OM now 26 - 15yr age difference.

Been with H 26yrs, married 21yrs.

 

The 2nd encounter:

I was w/OM and entire weekend and refrained from anything. Regardless of what I wanted to do, I did not. Not until after the continual accusations due to my phone not being attended to fast enough and H told me to NOT return home! It was still cheating, it was still wrong. I was pissed, hurt and felt I had nothing to lose because I was told not to return home. I slept w/OM on 2 occasions - the initial that H approved & and the 2nd after the above conversation. Again, I'm not looking for sympathy because I don't deserve it, what I did was wrong. I want this to be clear that I was not just jumping into bed the minute I saw the guy.

 

 

The problem is not you admitting you cheated. It is you still justifying what you did. Stop that.

 

 

And, you are still justifying not going NC. Stop that.

 

 

 

 

[beach]

The bottom line is that you ended up sleeping again with the OM out of spite and your H doesn't trust you.

 

He's obviously not going to be the one to place the boundaries on the affair moving forward, nor your relationship with your best friend. So it IS only up to you to do that if you intend to repair the marriage.

 

What do you plan to do about it?

[Grizzly101]

What is my plan?

 

Revisit the subject with H and get to the bottom of what he is really thinking about this. The why of his reasoning to go, allow me to continue a relationship with BFF when I may have run in with OM. Is it a test to see if I can be trusted? Is it so he can have a pissing contest? I didn't think about it much before. I figured that if he said he was ok with it, he was, because he was so adamat about certain things after I came 100% clean with him.

[Chi townD]

Well, you wrote a couple of times that you're willing to go NC with OM and his sister that's your friend and he said he didn't want you to do that.

 

 

Personally, I think you should do this. Just go NC, start distancing yourself from that situation. And those people are part of the situation. You two need time to heal and you have no idea how bad your husband my trigger being around them.

 

 

In my opinion, if you want to save your marriage. You need to start distancing yourself from them.

[Spectre]

You may know the phrase NC. Though your words show that you do not understand how it works or the need for it.

 

 

You do not understand consequences. The consequence of an affair is NC between the AP's.

 

I'm very confused how I haven't shown I do not know what NC is? I said it is something that has to happen.

 

My thoughts on this situation is, even with an open marriage there are boundaries. And crossing those boundaries is infidelity. Not all couple have the parameters of their marriage set in the same place. So even with the husband giving her the OK she crossed the line and entered into an emotional affair which of course wasn't part of the fantasy. Or worst yet, she mislead her husband into thinking it was a random guy when it wasn't.

 

This is mostly what I was saying. I think sometimes there are just unspoken rules that are just common sense. The first of course would be not to do this in the first place. But if you are going to do it, the second rule would be make sure it stays as nothing but just sex, without any emotion involved. If someone feels they can't participate in acts like this and give a 100% certainty they won't get emotionally attached, it is up to them to say "this isn't a good idea" regardless of how bad their spouse might want to try it.

 

If you think you can handle it, but then you suddenly find that you were wrong..then you pull the plug.

[Spectre]

The 2nd encounter:

I was w/OM and entire weekend and refrained from anything. Regardless of what I wanted to do, I did not. Not until after the continual accusations due to my phone not being attended to fast enough and H told me to NOT return home! It was still cheating, it was still wrong. I was pissed, hurt and felt I had nothing to lose because I was told not to return home. I slept w/OM on 2 occasions - the initial that H approved & and the 2nd after the above conversation. Again, I'm not looking for sympathy because I don't deserve it, what I did was wrong. I want this to be clear that I was not just jumping into bed the minute I saw the guy.

 

I just don't get why you keep feeling the need to say you didn't jump into bed with him immediately. That might be what happened, but when you keep going out of your way to say it..it almost sounds like you are trying to make some kind of justification. The other problem is you were being accused of something you say you didn't do, and then after a fight over it you went out and did it.

 

I realize you say you were told not to return home, but so what? By that I mean, it sounds like your husband was blowing off steam, him saying you can't come home doesn't mean he is always going to feel that way. His pride was probably hurt, especially considering how young the OM is. I think he was upset, mostly at himself for giving you permission to do it in the first place, and he was paranoid it would happen again, and he took it out on you. But then you went out and made it so now it seems like he wasn't paranoid at all for thinking that way, since the moment you thought the relationship was over you went to another man.

 

I just want to I do get that you were hurt, but I guess I feel that if you truly loved your husband as much as you claim..instead of running to the OM you would of at least given him some time to cool off. You could of still tried to change his mind, and the way to do that would of been acting in a way that shows he can still trust you. It might not of been guaranteed to work, but at least you would of been putting in some effort to make it work.

 

On the issue of your husband telling you that you can go to this wedding and stuff. Look, I don't know what is up with that. I don't know if he is testing you or trying to make you think he doesn't care. Either way, it's a bad idea. No matter what he says, I think you need to completely stay away with this OM. If it means not going to the wedding, then don't. Even if he tells you it is okay, that doesn't actually mean you still have to go. Plus come on, wouldn't you feel weird being at a ceremony celebrating love..all while the guy you cheated with is in the same room?

Edited February 18, 2015 by Spectre

[Grizzly101]

I deserve to feel like crap if I see this guy and have look into my Hs eyes! I did this. I damaged my H more than anything else ever could, I have to live with that everyday! Yes, I think it would be awkward. On the other hand, in an odd way, I think that it would show unity with my H, that I was over OM. I think that is why H wants to go, to show that he won in the long run.

 

Again, I am going to revisit this convo with H and try to get to the bottom of why he wants to go. He has been hurt enough.

[Grizzly101]

It's not his style. He doesn't blame OM, he blames me. He sees OM as more of an opportunist. In fact, he heard of a job opportunity in the area that OM lives and knew that it would better OM from a long term point. He told me to text him (he was sitting next to me) and ask him a few questions and let him know if he wanted the contact person to let H know. Blew me away, but he said that everyone deserves to be successful.

 

During the EA, the OM encouraged me to walk away, when we were pining for each other 2k miles away from each other, and I couldn't. He told me that he would walk away even though he didn't want to. He encouraged me to try to make things work with H and stay away from him. After that last time together, he told me that I owed it to H to try. I told H this and other things he said that were "pro H". That's when we chatted more at a friend level and he did the "guy perspective" thing during my trying to figure things. He actually helped me in the process of getting over him. Then I stopped contact except for the FB public stuff.

[road]

If her husband says to jump off a cliff is this WW going to do it?

 

 

Or will she say to her BH that you are crazy and tell him no?

 

 

Just the way this BH showed poor judgment and told his WW to bang the OM. Is this WW going to followed her BH's judgment when it is bad as in him to willingly allow his WW to have contact with the OM?

[road]

It's not his style. He doesn't blame OM, he blames me. He sees OM as more of an opportunist. In fact, he heard of a job opportunity in the area that OM lives and knew that it would better OM from a long term point. He told me to text him (he was sitting next to me) and ask him a few questions and let him know if he wanted the contact person to let H know. Blew me away, but he said that everyone deserves to be successful.

 

During the EA, the OM encouraged me to walk away, when we were pining for each other 2k miles away from each other, and I couldn't. He told me that he would walk away even though he didn't want to. He encouraged me to try to make things work with H and stay away from him. After that last time together, he told me that I owed it to H to try. I told H this and other things he said that were "pro H". That's when we chatted more at a friend level and he did the "guy perspective" thing during my trying to figure things. He actually helped me in the process of getting over him. Then I stopped contact except for the FB public stuff.

 

 

This classic OM public relations to show that in spite of banging another man's wife he is a decent guy only looking out for the WW's happiness while taking out his Johnson for a WW.

[Chi townD]

I deserve to feel like crap if I see this guy and have look into my Hs eyes! I did this. I damaged my H more than anything else ever could, I have to live with that everyday! Yes, I think it would be awkward. On the other hand, in an odd way, I think that it would show unity with my H, that I was over OM. I think that is why H wants to go, to show that he won in the long run.

 

Again, I am going to revisit this convo with H and try to get to the bottom of why he wants to go. He has been hurt enough.

 

 

Uh huh....right. Just like the two of you thought that acting out that fantasy with that third person would be hot and bring a new spark to your marriage?

 

 

How did that work out for you?

[sammy7111]

As long as you have any contact with him y I ur husband will always trigger. You need to back out of the godmother thing

[beach]

Why would you need to have public views of Facebook pages? Or even allow any opportunity for him to view yours?

 

Why not block all of what you or he "might see"?