Anyone here ever have a mutual friend dig up some intel on your crush? How did it go?

[Teknoe]

I currently have a crush on a coworker. The more we talk/hang out, the more I find myself fancying her. I just asked another coworker today, a mutual coworker (obviously) to ask her sometime how she feels about me.

 

I feel this is better than asking her outright with no intel other than my gut feeling (which has failed me 100s of times).

 

If she likes me, I can ask her out. If not, no harm no foul.

 

Anyway, anyone got a similar story, and if so, how did it all turn out?

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't think that is a very grown up way of trying to get a date with a woman you are interested in, please just ask her out!! If a coworker asked me if I liked another coworker I wouldn't tell him because 1) it wouldn't be any of his business and 2) it's like high school!!

[Teknoe]

I don't think that is a very grown up way of trying to get a date with a woman you are interested in, please just ask her out!! If a coworker asked me if I liked another coworker I wouldn't tell him because 1) it wouldn't be any of his business and 2) it's like high school!!

 

Meh.

 

Different stories for different people. I think each situation is different. Yes, I could just ask her out, but I think this is a wiser move. Note that my friend isn't going to ask her if she likes me, only what she thinks of me. It's indirectly posing the question, and she is the kind of girl to be honest with this other woman. I think you have to understand the personalities involved.

 

It may seem high school-ish to some, but I call it smart in this case. There's no need to ask someone out who doesn't like you, especially when we're talking about a work environment. If she wasn't my co worker I would skip this step and jump straight to asking her out.

 

I respect your opinion and you're entitled to it, but I feel this is the best way to go. Of my friends I've spoken to, no one called it high school-ish, everyone called it smart, especially when this mutual friend thinks this other woman and I would make a "cute couple," so she can advocate a bit for me if she wanted to. I'm also fairly close with this mutual coworker, so it's not like I'm asking someone I hardly get along with or can't banter with. When you look at it like that, it's really not that bad-sounding.

[preraph]

If someone asked me that on behalf of someone else (and yes, she will know what's going on), my first thought would be, Well, I liked him a lot better before I found out he's not man enough to step up and do his own asking.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Report back and let us know how it works!! But I must say it would be a good idea to listen to what women tell you when you ask a question about what might "work" with a woman!!

[No Limit]

I was 'the fancied one' twice. In both cases I thought it was kind of funny but those weren't my type of guys at all so I left it at that.

 

A friend of mine was the one who fancied someone once though and it ended less friendly for her; apparently the guy told a friend of the friend "That one? Seriously, I just want her to leave me alone!" (which was a dick move in my opinion; it's not like she stalked him endlessly, she just messaged him once per Facebook and didn't spam him or something like that when he didn't respond).

[Dybbuk]

I think you have a better chance when you approach a woman directly. Reason being, if she's never really thought of you in a romantic way before, your role might misinterpret her indifference as disinterest Vs. If you go up to her casually lay it out that you'd like to take her on a date sometime then she can entertain the idea of seeing you in a romantic light... even if the thought never occurred to her before. Plus women LOVE being approached face to face. It makes them feel desired and it's a nice compliment to her. If she declines, that would have happened regardless if you used a mole or not... bit this way you know for sure she wasn't interested. I know I'm not interested in disclosing my personal thoughts on someone that I know is mutual friends with the person in question. Best of luck!

Edited February 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Teknoe]

Some good points made here. Time for a quick update...

 

I think you have a better chance when you approach a woman directly. Reason being, if she's never really thought of you in a romantic way before, your role might misinterpret her indifference as disinterest Vs. If you go up to her casually lay it out that you'd like to take her on a date sometime then she can entertain the idea of seeing you in a romantic light... even if the thought never occurred to her before. Plus women LOVE being approached face to face. It makes them feel desired and it's a nice compliment to her. If she declines, that would have happened regardless if you used a mole or not... bit this way you know for sure she wasn't interested. I know I'm not interested in disclosing my personal thoughts on someone that I know is mutual friends with the person in question. Best of luck!

 

Generally, I would totally agree with this. However, being a very small work environment, I'd have to say my method is wise. If she only sees me as a friend, then I won't bother asking her out. But if she likes me, then I don't really think she'll care all that much if she finds out I used our coworker to get some intel.

 

I just think going straight up to a coworker and asking them out can be a really risky move, especially if they reject you. It happened to me last year and this time, I'm going to play it smart and get counsel.

 

I spoke with my coworker and she said she's hanging out with my lady of interest outside of work 1 on 1 in early March. She plans to casually inquire then. So, we'll know soon enough.

 

BTW, this coworker told her husband, and his initial thought was "What kind of man does that?" but after she explained the small work environment he negated his initial comment and said "Oh yeah. True. He has a point being that it is a small work environment. That's different from just asking out a girl anywhere else pretty much. So, he's doing the smart thing, then."

 

Finally, I forgot to say when I told my coworker of my interest in this other coworker, she said "I KNEW IT! I CALLED IT!" I asked her "what did you call?" She replied, "Oh, I just sensed from the very beginning this vibe between you two... there seems to be a certain chemistry there I witnessed from day one." So maybe I'm not being delusional here for a change, and maybe, just maybe, I have a real shot with this one. All too often I have been the shoulder to cry on. i.e. friend zone. maybe for once the tables will turn in my favor.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Teknoe

[ascendotum]

If someone asked me that on behalf of someone else (and yes, she will know what's going on), my first thought would be, Well, I liked him a lot better before I found out he's not man enough to step up and do his own asking.

 

I seen this sort of low level of match making been done before at different work places or at the gym or meetup groups or other social groups. I think you cynically read too much into it. 'not man enough to step up and do his own askin' -> well the guy in question or the woman (as I have seen women fish for this info and while they may not ask the guy out they will ramp up or drop their interest in the guy if they find out how he feels about them) is basically just getting more info on their potential love interest. When they have it and it favorable, they will in fact be doing the asking out. Having someone you know fish for more info on a prospect is not the same as them, asking them out on your behalf.

 

Interacting with some women it can be really easy to pick up their vibe, but for some more shy aloof reserved women, it can be really hard. Sometimes circumstances might prevent you from getting much of a chance to converse with the person so you have no idea if they find you the least bit appealing so I think it would be good to have some inside info on whether you have no chance or or have a good shot (especially for guys who get a quite a few knockbacks). Its easy to say its chicken to not cold approach when you are not the person who ever has to do it. Also it can help to avoid awkwardness from the woman's point of view having a guy she does not like at all ask her out or show eagerness for her in front of others.

 

To me anyway, if a woman that actually likes a guy suddenly writes him off because she thinks he had someone fish for info on her feelings (I'd suspect in most cases their agent wont announce what they are up to), then I'd suspect the relationship wouldn't would go far anyway, as she would find something else to judge and lose feelings over him fairly soon.

Edited February 20, 2015 by ascendotum

[todreaminblue]

I have had a friend approach a guy i thought was nice.....when i refused to approach him.....he was out of my league...tall italian multilingual...gentlemanly..effortless dancer...model body...woman magnet.....me short curvy to extreme goofy deb..i can dance though....so i pleaded with her tried to grab her to stop her from going over and embarassing me...i failed.......she asked he zoomed over....danced with me like i hadnt been danced with before and we ended up a hot and heavy item for six months...couldnt get enough fo each other....he was a beautiful person and he ignored his mates who said what do you see in her......my friend said straight up deb really likes you....come meet her you will love her.....the rest is history

 

i actually prefer to be given the chance to build up nerve to ask myself...no matter how scared i am of rejection....my friends however have gotten impatient with me in the past.....

 

i wouldnt be too worried if a guy did the same thing in reverse to me..got a friend to ask...shy people...often have friends who do that...smilin...i wish you luck.....deb

[Els]

Tek,

 

I dunno... I get what you're saying about things being awkward if you asked a co-worker out and she declined. But the way I see it, ANY type of romantic pursuit is risky in a small co-working environment - which is why sometimes people choose to avoid it and date outside of work instead. There are plenty of things that could happen to make things very awkward - like your other coworker telling someone, for instance. If I were your crush and I heard through the grapevine at work that this colleague of mine was asking another colleague about me... yeah, that would be REALLY awkward.

 

Also, it's less attractive for a man to go this roundabout route than trying to talk to his crush directly, IMO. Lesser chance of succeeding.

 

So basically the way I see it, you're not really mitigating much of the risk, and also lowering your chances of success. If you really think it would make things awkward in a small work environment, then perhaps try meeting women outside work instead.

[preraph]

Once you have someone ask for you, no matter if the friend asking is saying they are being discreet or not, the woman knows exactly what's going on. It's an insult to her intelligence that you think she is too dumb to realize she's being asked on your behalf. So the only thing it alleviates is your discomfort and fear of asking and getting rejecting. It does nothing to keep her from feeling on the spot if she isn't interested because she will know where it's coming from. And you're assuming she has no problem with people in the workplace inquiring as to her eligibility and personal life, and many people do have a problem with that.

 

That said, I hope it goes well for you.

[rester]

Teknoe, I normally think you write good posts, but this is disappointing. I don't think dating a coworker in a "small work environment" is wise at all, and I think you have a much better chance of getting a date by asking her out directly. It may be awkward, but it's going to be awkward either way. It's so much easier for a woman to reject you through someone else, so why not do what you have the best chance of success with? Because you're afraid? That's really the only reason to "test the waters" through your friend.

 

My advice in order of what I would do, is (1) forget about her and focus on other things and not pursue a coworker, (2) ask her out for a drink or cup of coffee directly, (3) have your friend "talk" to her first.

 

In my opinion, #3 is a bad idea all around. It's very passive, which is why people are saying it's childish or like high school. From your post history, I believe you're better than that.

 

At least if you ask her out directly and she rejects you, you'll have her respect. Probably not the case if you were to have your friend talk to her first.

[lino]

Wouldn't go down that road if I was you.

 

There are many things that according to societal norms, men can't do but women can and this is certainly one of em.

[ascendotum]

Rester - I agree that its not a good idea to date someone in a small work environment. Maybe less so if you get to know the woman well and think she would be a great catch and you get definite positive vibes from her. If something goes bad a few yrs down the line, I doubt the small business will be your career highlight and it would stop either of you from moving on if things got really frosty at work post breakup. To me dating someone in a different dept would be a lot better than dating someone who works a few mtrs away. Too close 24/7 is bad.

 

I find it strange though that you say asking a women at work out to her face, even if you have little idea of her feelings is better than fishing for her feelings on the basis that it might result in different outcome. If a women is 'meh' about the guy, I really don't think the vast majority would suddenly see the guy as a good relationship prospect just because he asked her out. I don't think majority of women with options would suddenly say they have a whole new respect for the guy and say yes, and if she felt obligated to go against her true feelings and say yes because she was put on the spot, sorry but that's no great outcome really (desperate guys might say otherwise).

 

Apps like Tinder (maybe grinder too if it works the same) have been a big hit and I'm sure a big part of the appeal is that both parties know they appeal to each other when they get in contact with each other.

Edited February 22, 2015 by ascendotum

[rester]

If a women is 'meh' about the guy, I really don't think the vast majority would suddenly see the guy as a good relationship prospect just because he asked her out. I don't think majority of women with options would suddenly say they have a whole new respect for the guy and say yes, and if she felt obligated to go against her true feelings and say yes because she was put on the spot, sorry but that's no great outcome really (desperate guys might say otherwise).

 

 

I agree with this. Maybe my words were poorly chosen and my explanation of my reasoning was bad, but I still don't think it's a good idea to go fishing around through a friend to see if she would be open to a date. It's just not something adult men do, or that adult women respect. Just my male opinion, though. Hopefully Teknoe will get some more opinions from women on this.

[gaius]

It gives whatever guy you ask to get the intel a perfect opening to go for the girl you want, that's for sure. And it's always kind of sexy as a guy to bang a girl another guy wants bad but can't get.

[compulsivedancer]

Depending who asked me, I wouldn't necessarily share whether I was into the guy. If she did it well enough, I probably wouldn't notice she was asking FOR him. It's possible that I would go on a date with him, but wouldn't express interest in him to a friend.

[clia]

Some good points made here. Time for a quick update...

 

Generally, I would totally agree with this. However, being a very small work environment, I'd have to say my method is wise. If she only sees me as a friend, then I won't bother asking her out. But if she likes me, then I don't really think she'll care all that much if she finds out I used our coworker to get some intel.

 

I just think going straight up to a coworker and asking them out can be a really risky move, especially if they reject you. It happened to me last year and this time, I'm going to play it smart and get counsel.

 

I spoke with my coworker and she said she's hanging out with my lady of interest outside of work 1 on 1 in early March. She plans to casually inquire then. So, we'll know soon enough.

 

BTW, this coworker told her husband, and his initial thought was "What kind of man does that?" but after she explained the small work environment he negated his initial comment and said "Oh yeah. True. He has a point being that it is a small work environment. That's different from just asking out a girl anywhere else pretty much. So, he's doing the smart thing, then."

 

Finally, I forgot to say when I told my coworker of my interest in this other coworker, she said "I KNEW IT! I CALLED IT!" I asked her "what did you call?" She replied, "Oh, I just sensed from the very beginning this vibe between you two... there seems to be a certain chemistry there I witnessed from day one." So maybe I'm not being delusional here for a change, and maybe, just maybe, I have a real shot with this one. All too often I have been the shoulder to cry on. i.e. friend zone. maybe for once the tables will turn in my favor.

 

If it's that small of a work environment, this could blow up in your face. People gossip. Your friend could spill the beans, making things awkward for you. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with the idea of dating someone at work for obvious reasons. Etc...

 

I've noticed a pattern with you falling for coworkers. Honestly, it's just not smart to try to date someone you work with. Even if she does "like" you, she may not want to date you because of your work situation. If you want to date, you should really try to interact with more women outside of work.

[Dybbuk]

@Teknoe:

 

I feel in the end you're going to have to decide for yourself what you want to do... but many people here have straight up told you it's probably not going to give you the greatest chance of success so if you choose to move forward with using a friend, then best of luck!

 

All I know is from personal experience and being a woman myself. I work in a small work environment (10-12 co-workers) and I'm definitely not open with my personal feelings about other co-workers WITH my co-workers. My fear as the woman in this situation would be "What if she's being nosy and reading too much into our interactions and gossips to someone else about what I say... what if she tells him about what I said and then things get awkward... what if I'm not sure how I feel about him just yet and don't want to put my foot in my mouth later."

 

Basically you're really putting her in the most difficult position because based on what she says determines how things play out and she has to be the 'vulnerable' one to put her feelings out there for someone else to know... and trust them with!

 

There's a reason people don't date co-workers because it opens up the possibility for endless awkward moments. My thoughts are if you can't handle the 'awkwardness' of a possible rejection then you won't be able to handle the loads of awkward situations that arise when you have to go to work with your partner that you just had a fight/disagreement.

 

Again, it's your choice and I really do wish you well with whatever you choose and it works out for the best.

[Teknoe]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the feedback. This is my first time checking back in since my last reply. Actually, I've changed my mind. I plan to talk to my would-be-inquiring coworker and tell her to axe the plan. I do trust her enough where she wouldn't spill the beans. I really have no fear there.

 

I plan to ask out my coworker (let's call her Jen). But, I plan to do it with a very brief note. I don't want to write it here, just for safety sake, but I shared my brief note with 3 female friends of mine outside of work, all in their 20s, like Jen is, and they all agreed it was very cute (it opens with a quick joke that gives it a lightheartedness). They told me even if Jen rejects me, it's a sweet note nevertheless.

 

The reason why I'm going the note route?

 

1. It seems like it would fit this situation better. She may need time to process my asking her out, and a note gives her that wait time. Plus, a note is better than a text, email or certainly another coworker fishing for intel.

 

2. She is old-fashioned, and I do enjoy writing hand written notes.

 

3. If we work out, long term, it can be something she can keep and be a good story of how we got together.

 

4. It's a risk, but it's not as balls to the walls like asking her out face to face. It kind of gives me a happy middle ground between asking out face to face and having a coworker fish for intel.

 

This just feels like the right thing to do. I did consider dropping her off my radar completely, but I can't deny I feel a strong sense of chemistry between us, and I think if it's meant to be, then we could work really well together (similar styles, humor, outlook, innocence, etc.)

 

We'll see what happens.

[ThaWholigan]

That doesn't sound like a good idea, Teknoe. You're probably better off going balls to the wall.

[todreaminblue]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the feedback. This is my first time checking back in since my last reply. Actually, I've changed my mind. I plan to talk to my would-be-inquiring coworker and tell her to axe the plan. I do trust her enough where she wouldn't spill the beans. I really have no fear there.

 

I plan to ask out my coworker (let's call her Jen). But, I plan to do it with a very brief note. I don't want to write it here, just for safety sake, but I shared my brief note with 3 female friends of mine outside of work, all in their 20s, like Jen is, and they all agreed it was very cute (it opens with a quick joke that gives it a lightheartedness). They told me even if Jen rejects me, it's a sweet note nevertheless.

 

The reason why I'm going the note route?

 

1. It seems like it would fit this situation better. She may need time to process my asking her out, and a note gives her that wait time. Plus, a note is better than a text, email or certainly another coworker fishing for intel.

 

2. She is old-fashioned, and I do enjoy writing hand written notes.

 

3. If we work out, long term, it can be something she can keep and be a good story of how we got together.

 

4. It's a risk, but it's not as balls to the walls like asking her out face to face. It kind of gives me a happy middle ground between asking out face to face and having a coworker fish for intel.

 

This just feels like the right thing to do. I did consider dropping her off my radar completely, but I can't deny I feel a strong sense of chemistry between us, and I think if it's meant to be, then we could work really well together (similar styles, humor, outlook, innocence, etc.)

 

We'll see what happens.

 

i think a hand written note is cute too........including a light heartedness behnd the ask also good...i wish you well....deb

[Teknoe]

That doesn't sound like a good idea, Teknoe. You're probably better off going balls to the wall.

 

When you say "this" are you talking about the note or the coworker fishing for intel?

 

If it's the note, why?

 

I feel like a sweet short note would be pretty effective in this situation.

[Phoe]

Haha!

 

This isn't helpful in the slightest, but is amusing on the topic on getting intel about crushes.

 

I had a very mild crush on a guy in high school. VERY mild.

 

My intel on him informed me that he is gay. Ooops.

 

So much for that, haha.