Long distance paranoia

[MrPerson]

This is a very long story so i rather not go in all of it unless asked for more insight. I have extreme paranoia and always had trouble believing in my SO. I have known this girl for over 8 years and been together with her for almost 6. I never caught her lying (at least nothing big) just small white lies every now and then all of which have to do about me asking if she's ok and she says she's fine when she obviously isn't however as for big lies i never seen her lie to me about things. Though the main reason is because i don't see her very often, most of our relationship actually all of it really is through chat. Over the course of 5 years of being together i have only seen her for about a total of a week... so yea we don't see each other much. We broke up a few times but recently we really broke it off for a month and just became friends. As time went by we still talked to each other and i asked if she wanted to get back together, a few weeks went by and she decided to take me back. She agreed that if things got better between us she would take me back which they did and I'm with her again.

 

Ok so onto my dilemma, we use to fight a lot and i mean a lot. Mostly because i kept accusing her of cheating. I had NO evidence whatsoever of her cheating but nor would it be really possible because of the distance. I thought i saw one of my friend's name on her phone but when i checked her phone about an hour later it wasnt there (yes i know it was horrible of me to check it) I haven't accused her of lying or cheating ever since we got back (it has been very difficult for me not to because it's always in the mind and i wish to God it wasn't) Recently i asked if i could start seeing her again in person and she said she wasnt ready for that yet she then got frustrated when i mentioned it again a week later and said that if things continue to get better then she'll let me see her again.

 

For this past week my paranoia has been getting the better of me and I'm having so much trouble controlling it. On saturday we didnt really spend much time skyping each other on valentines day she was busy most of the morning with a garage sale with her family (she's close with her family) then when she got on she got her gift which i sent her had a few valentines gifts and she said thank you, she got me a gift to which was a $10 gift certificate (which kind of bothered me but i didnt say anything cept thank you). She had to go about an hour later because her step sister came over to hang out with her and her mom (this is where i got paranoid) she then came back 2 hours later and hung out with me again for a few hours, so this is where i get really paranoid i over hear her mom asking her "when is he coming over tomorrow?" my gf then yells 1 he's coming over at 1. I then ask who? she responds with "my brother he's going to help me with my taxes" so the next day she gets off chat with me and says she'll be back. About 5 hours pass I then ask did you get your taxes done? she says yes. I then follow up with what else did you do? I just hung out with them out there (her brother and step sister) again i'm flooded with thoughts and its killing me thinking if this is really what she was doing. I just have so much trouble believe what she says, most of the time i ask what she was up to when she isn't on and she usually responds with just hanging out (either with her mom brother or step sister.

 

From my knowledge she doesn't have any close male friends, all her friends are female) I know i have a problem and believe me I am doing everything I possibly can to control it and not let it get the better of me but it's so overwhelming and I just don't know what to do. Advice or im sure i'll get some bashing i don't know but if anyone can respond please i would appreciate it and im sorry for a long explanation but yea... this is as short as i could make it. She's 21 btw lives with her family.

Edited February 18, 2015 by MrPerson

[d0nnivain]

You two were children when you met & are now adults. That is a lot of changes & a lot that you missed by "dating" each other rather than the more conventional dating somebody who is right there to go to prom with etc.

 

 

Is there any chance you can close the distance soon?

 

 

After 6 years if you only spent a total of 1 week together, you can't sustain this relation in it's present status. Maybe it is time to let it go.

[coryreply]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you're probably being driven by your insecuritites. How extreme is the distance between you guys? Are you close enough to feasibly see her more often?

[Popsicle]

You SHOULD be paranoid in an LDR.

[MrPerson]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you're probably being driven by your insecuritites. How extreme is the distance between you guys? Are you close enough to feasibly see her more often?

 

We're 6 hours away from eachother but now ill be able to visit her more often because before I didn't have the money to afford going to see her.

[DannyCA]

You are letting insecurities drive you crazy. I've done the same thing and let me say that is poison to yourself and your relationship. I have to say also the fact that you have broken up several times is not a good thing. Six years is a long time. At this point, even though you guys are young, the idea of closing the distance and marriage should be a definite topic of constant conversation. Despite though, whatever financial trouble, etc you guys may have had, seeing each other 7 days over the course of 5 years is not even close to a relationship. Sorry.

 

Stop being so insecure, seriously.

[MrPerson]

This is what she said, if things go well between us and if she feels comfortable she will let me come visit her. She doesn't know for how long i have to wait she just said she will let me come see her if things go well and she feels comfortable. That's it. Right now i'm pretty much just waiting and doing my best being around her but she can get upset at any small thing. For me at this moment i'm pretty depressed and feeling awful every time i go to work i think about and hoping that she will give me a chance at seeing her again. Just for reference i never cheated on her or anything huge, we just fought a lot. So yea right now i'm not feeling great I'm just waiting for that day to come when she wants to see me, if she ever wants to see me again...

[d0nnivain]

If things go well, she will LET you come visit. Oh boy. Your paranoia isn't misplaced. She's close to done with this.

 

 

My question to you is do you want to quickly put this relationship & yourself out of your misery by you pulling the trigger & ending this or do you want the long, slow painful way out by letting this languish until she finally ends it?

[justwhoiam]

MrPerson, I so know where you're coming from...................

 

You were together only 1 week in 5 years! That must be hell. Of course there's constant fighting, tension, sadness and paranoia.

 

But you both need to feel responsible for that. A 6-hour drive away from each other and you were not able to arrange a vacation with her? Well, you should have both put money aside and planned to be together, because that's not a plus, it's a vital.

 

I too think that the age range 16-21 falls into the very young category, and chances for a relationship to work out long-term are slim.

 

My personal advice is: redeem yourself ASAP. Be creative, romance her, do nice things for her, show her you love her. After a couple of months of working hard on that and with no fighting & arguing, ask her to see her again. If she then feels like being inflexible, keeping you like a puppet, you will walk away for good.

[MrPerson]

MrPerson, I so know where you're coming from...................

 

You were together only 1 week in 5 years! That must be hell. Of course there's constant fighting, tension, sadness and paranoia.

 

But you both need to feel responsible for that. A 6-hour drive away from each other and you were not able to arrange a vacation with her? Well, you should have both put money aside and planned to be together, because that's not a plus, it's a vital.

 

I too think that the age range 16-21 falls into the very young category, and chances for a relationship to work out long-term are slim.

 

My personal advice is: redeem yourself ASAP. Be creative, romance her, do nice things for her, show her you love her. After a couple of months of working hard on that and with no fighting & arguing, ask her to see her again. If she then feels like being inflexible, keeping you like a puppet, you will walk away for good.

 

I really liked this response, made me feel a little better actually which unfortunately i don't have very many of them. She invited me to join her and her brothers to play with them in a game (she didn't invite me to come see her yet) but she did invite me to join her game later in the week which was a good feeling. So maybe she's opening up more? I'm really trying to think positive but it's just a lot to worry about and i try to get by everyday. I have been trying to romance her I sent her a valentines gift filled with small little gifts and a card. She said thank you and her valentines gift to me was a $10 gift card for xbox, I said thank you but part of me felt hurt i don't know maybe i'm being selfish i just expected maybe a nice card. Other things im doing is telling her she's beautiful (she's extremely low self esteemed) I'm writing her a story (i use to tell her stories way back when we first got together and she still likes hearing them but i havent been telling them for awhile until now ive been doing this for about a week now). But yea the gift card i dont know things like that tend to put me down a lot making me question how much am i really worth to her? Then today she invites me to play with her and her brothers so that made me feel better.

Edited February 24, 2015 by MrPerson

[justwhoiam]

am i really worth to her?

I can't answer that question, but if she's giving you a second chance, you probably are.

 

If this can console you, my valentine's day was completely ruined.

 

Also, don't think bad about the $10 gift. Girls are often told that men don't care about the mushy love cards, and they are more practical. She chose something practical. Something you can use to buy something you really like. Plus, I don't know if you live in the same country. I don't. And I have to face problems buying stuff for him, because my European credit card is not accepted everywhere online, or some American websites do not accept orders from abroad (in that case, it's about the sender's address), while if I buy in Europe in many cases they won't deliver to the USA. So the challenges are so many I can't even count them all. Just appreciate what she did for you, and actually, I know what it means to me if I spend money for/on a man. Don't underestimate that.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you feel better

[MrPerson]

I can't answer that question, but if she's giving you a second chance, you probably are.

 

If this can console you, my valentine's day was completely ruined.

 

Also, don't think bad about the $10 gift. Girls are often told that men don't care about the mushy love cards, and they are more practical. She chose something practical. Something you can use to buy something you really like. Plus, I don't know if you live in the same country. I don't. And I have to face problems buying stuff for him, because my European credit card is not accepted everywhere online, or some American websites do not accept orders from abroad (in that case, it's about the sender's address), while if I buy in Europe in many cases they won't deliver to the USA. So the challenges are so many I can't even count them all. Just appreciate what she did for you, and actually, I know what it means to me if I spend money for/on a man. Don't underestimate that.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you feel better

 

Today did go better then i thought it would, she told me she loved me just out of nowhere and told me about how much she is enjoying my stories which made feel good that she still enjoys them. I appreciate your help i really do, getting people's opinions can really make a difference rather then try to do it on your own. She lives 6 hours away from me same state me and her dont really have good paying jobs yet she only works 3 days a week and I only have part time. I should appreciate the gift though she knows i like to play arcade games on xbox.

[MrPerson]

So far for the past two weeks things have been going real well. She agrees and told me that she appreciated the effort i put into the relationship. Which made me feel real good. A day later i asked if i could come see her now and she said "yea maybe soon" which in a way made me feel good but also made me feel worried. Not sure which i should feel more. She did talk to me as if she wanted me around though, for example she was playing with her dog and mentioned that i would like the dog they got. Implying that she might want me to see him. (am i looking too into that?) I don't know maybe i am or maybe she's trying to tell me that she's feeling more comfortable. Anywho just thought i'd update everyone who read this.

[anika99]

This girl isn't your gf. You have only seen her a handful of times in the last 5yrs and now she's making you jump through hoops and suck up while she thinks about maybe letting you see her again someday. What are you getting out of this?

 

 

I think our emotional growth and maturity is enhanced by our adult relationships and that it's normal to date someone for a couple of years and then move the relationship forward to commitment. I don't know many people who want to spend years and years in a relationship that isn't going anywhere, much less in situation where the couple don't even see each other.

 

 

OP it sounds like you two started this relationship when you were very young and now maybe it's time to move on. If this girl is only 21 then that means she was just 15 when she started "dating" you. I don't thinks she sees this relationship as anything serious anymore and really I don't blame her. This is her young adulthood, her youth, and unless she is socially awkward or emotionally stunted in some way, she wants more out of her relationships then skyping with some long distance guy. I think she is pulling away because she wants real life dates and real life relationships. You should want those things too. When I was in my early 20s I was all hormones and energy. No way talking on the phone and skyping with a long distance guy would have cut the mustard. You two need to advance into real life relationships for your own growth.

[oldshirt]

Dude, get out of the house and get a life. Do things. Once you start doing that you may meet a real girl in real life.

 

You are paranoid because once she meets a real guy in real life she's going to start going on real dates with him and won't be home to skype.

 

You need to do the same. Even Napoleon Dynamites brother Chip eventually pulled himself away from the keyboard and met his cyber honey in real life.

 

Join a gym and lifts some weights to get some muscle on your bones. Get some sunlight and get a tan. Sign up for some MMA classes so you can kick someone's ass if you have to and then get out and start meeting some real women.

[okc85]

Dude, get out of the house and get a life. Do things. Once you start doing that you may meet a real girl in real life.

 

You are paranoid because once she meets a real guy in real life she's going to start going on real dates with him and won't be home to skype.

 

You need to do the same. Even Napoleon Dynamites brother Chip eventually pulled himself away from the keyboard and met his cyber honey in real life.

 

Join a gym and lifts some weights to get some muscle on your bones. Get some sunlight and get a tan. Sign up for some MMA classes so you can kick someone's ass if you have to and then get out and start meeting some real women.

 

 

Yep. this sums it up.