Back off???

[Unsure]

I have been dating a guy for 4 ½ months now, and although things seemed to be going really well, and I feel really strongly for him, lately things haven't been so good. Last night we were supposed to get together & he had been visiting his friends on the other side of the city. I had asked him to call me at 8, & he said he would, but by 9:30 I had still not received a call. This happens SO often nowadays, and sometimes I just won't get a call at all. Anyway, since we had already discussed getting together that night, I called him at 9:30 & left a message saying I was leaving my place & would be at the coffee shop by his house (which is where we were going to go) & I said he could just meet me there. When I got to the coffee shop, I called him & he was at home, & he asked me to just come over there. (We had planned on me spending the night at his place) After I got there & we had been sitting watching TV for a bit, I asked him why he hadn't called me at 8. He replied that he was busy, & I asked "doing what?" He replied he was "busy talking to his friends, why, are you trying to control me?" I said no, it wasn't about control at all, just about having enough respect to call me when he said he would. I know I have problems with insecurity - I have had some pretty rough relationships in the past...but I try really hard not to let it affect my relationship now - he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. But is it too much to ask for him to call me when he says he will? It would take 2 minutes of his time. I don't really think it's fair of him to just leave me hanging not knowing whether we have plans that night or not...lots of times we've made tentative plans, & then he'll call and say 'I think I'm going to be pretty late with my friends so we're going to have to cancel tonight' I HATE that he thinks I'm trying to control him...I do not want to come across as the manipulative, high-maintenance girlfriend. I really do care for him a lot, & I don't want him to feel this way about me. I honestly don't think I'm asking too much...but maybe I'm the one in the wrong...am I acting too controlling? Should I somehow just back off?

[Paulie]

I have been dating a guy for 4 ½ months now, and although things seemed to be going really well, and I feel really strongly for him, lately things haven’t been so good.

 

Last night we were supposed to get together & he had been visiting his friends on the other side of the city. I had asked him to call me at 8, & he said he would, but by 9:30 I had still not received a call. This happens SO often nowadays, and sometimes I just won’t get a call at all. Anyway, since we had already discussed getting together that night, I called him at 9:30 & left a message saying I was leaving my place & would be at the coffee shop by his house (which is where we were going to go) & I said he could just meet me there. When I got to the coffee shop, I called him & he was at home, & he asked me to just come over there. (We had planned on me spending the night at his place)

 

After I got there & we had been sitting watching TV for a bit, I asked him why he hadn’t called me at 8. He replied that he was busy, & I asked "doing what?" He replied he was “busy talking to his friends, why, are you trying to control me?” I said no, it wasn’t about control at all, just about having enough respect to call me when he said he would. I know I have problems with insecurity - I have had some pretty rough relationships in the past...but I try really hard not to let it affect my relationship now - he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. But is it too much to ask for him to call me when he says he will? It would take 2 minutes of his time.

 

I don’t really think it’s fair of him to just leave me hanging not knowing whether we have plans that night or not...lots of times we’ve made tentative plans, & then he’ll call and say ‘I think I’m going to be pretty late with my friends so we’re going to have to cancel tonight’ I HATE that he thinks I’m trying to control him...I do not want to come across as the manipulative, high-maintenance girlfriend. I really do care for him a lot, & I don’t want him to feel this way about me. I honestly don’t think I’m asking too much...but maybe I’m the one in the wrong...am I acting too controlling? Should I somehow just back off?

[Unsure]

Any opinion/advice to add?

I have been dating a guy for 4 ½ months now, and although things seemed to be going really well, and I feel really strongly for him, lately things haven't been so good. Last night we were supposed to get together & he had been visiting his friends on the other side of the city. I had asked him to call me at 8, & he said he would, but by 9:30 I had still not received a call. This happens SO often nowadays, and sometimes I just won't get a call at all. Anyway, since we had already discussed getting together that night, I called him at 9:30 & left a message saying I was leaving my place & would be at the coffee shop by his house (which is where we were going to go) & I said he could just meet me there. When I got to the coffee shop, I called him & he was at home, & he asked me to just come over there. (We had planned on me spending the night at his place)

 

After I got there & we had been sitting watching TV for a bit, I asked him why he hadn't called me at 8. He replied that he was busy, & I asked "doing what?" He replied he was "busy talking to his friends, why, are you trying to control me?" I said no, it wasn't about control at all, just about having enough respect to call me when he said he would. I know I have problems with insecurity - I have had some pretty rough relationships in the past...but I try really hard not to let it affect my relationship now - he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. But is it too much to ask for him to call me when he says he will? It would take 2 minutes of his time. I don't really think it's fair of him to just leave me hanging not knowing whether we have plans that night or not...lots of times we've made tentative plans, & then he'll call and say 'I think I'm going to be pretty late with my friends so we're going to have to cancel tonight' I HATE that he thinks I'm trying to control him...I do not want to come across as the manipulative, high-maintenance girlfriend. I really do care for him a lot, & I don't want him to feel this way about me. I honestly don't think I'm asking too much...but maybe I'm the one in the wrong...am I acting too controlling? Should I somehow just back off?

[Laurynn]

Hi...

 

No, you are not the least bit controlling. Very convenient of him to try and twist things around to take the focus off the fact that he's being a complete a**h*** here. I'm sure you've probably, at some point, admitted to him that you had problems in past relationships and that you're a little insecure....well Bozo-Brains here is taking full advantage of that fact.

 

You are absolutely correct....he is not showing you the respect that YOU (or any other human being) deserves. Either he gets his priorities straight (respecting you being one of them) or you tell him to take a flying leap at a rolling donut hole (my Dad's favorite expression haha). If his friends mean more to him than keeping his word to you, f*ck him! (pardon my francais)

 

You need to toughen up, too. When you got to the coffee house last night and he wasn't there, and you called him and he told you to just come over, it would have been better if you'd told him "NO".....If anyone is controlling anyone here, it's him trying/somewhat succeeding, you! If you say this behavior of his is becoming a pattern, you're the one who has to make or break the pattern...meaning.....if you stop putting up with it/putting your foot down/not allowing yourself to be treated like an eager doormat then he has one of two choices: a) get his sh*t together and treat you with respect or b) go practice his tricks elsewhere.

 

You need to do like I've had to do....and that's learn BOUNDARIES......and then realize YOU have the control to ensure that those boundaries aren't crossed.......

 

If he says he'll call and doesn't---YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT

 

If he calls you at the last minute to cancel plans that you've made, unless it's due to a life and death emergency---YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT

 

Believe it or not, YOU are in the driver's seat here. And by being there, that does NOT make you a 'controller', as in, you're trying to control him.

 

Want to know what else I think? (LOL) He sounds immature, manipulative, rude and undeserving of a girlfriend/relationship.

 

So what if you're somewhat insecure......there's no crime in that. I'm that way too. Lots and lots of us are, due to being treated badly in the past by those we loved/who were supposed to love us back.

 

Let this be a time to be empowered...to set up boundaries....to decide what you WILL and WILL NOT put up with. You are a worthy, lovable, caring person.....and you deserve the best.

 

I'm always very leary of men who start with the 'twisting things around' game......they get caught being an a**h*** and they try to take the focus off themselves by tossing out accusations against the other person. Trust me when I say, that's a huge red warning flag of things to come.

 

So what do you do now, you ask? As hard as it's going to be, break off contact with him for a few days......let yourself be angry at the way he's treated you. Yes, BE ANGRY. Sometimes we have to allow ourself to become angry in order to realize what we deserve...and to stick to our guns. And make a deal with yourself..that if he pulls this crap again, he's OUTTA THERE! And stick to it. And the next time he changes plans at the last minute then wants you to come over, DO NOT GO. And the next time he doesn't call when he says he will, that's fine........then YOU make plans of your own....and stick to them. Go out with friends, go to a movie, have a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book......spoil yourself. You have to learn to develop the attitude of "screw that noise!"....that's the ONLY thing, after all my 33 years, that's helped me to no longer be treated like crap (and no, I'm really not as bitter as I sound hehe)

 

Hope this helps,

 

Laurynn

[Rogue]

This reminds me of a buddy of mine. He's a really considerate guy, all around nice person. But he's a total moron when it come to plans we make to hang out. He'll not show up and not call, he'll show up too early or too late or in the wrong place. Then he'll blame me for messing things up.

 

How did I solve the problem? Next time I made sure to be the one who didn't show up and see how much he liked hanging on.

 

You can do the same thing to your man. Nobody likes to be stood up, it's rude. See how he likes a taste of his own medicine. Explain to him all you go through every time he stands you up. If he changes, good. If not dump him.

 

Don't get any funny ideas that you have to put up with this. You don't. A lot of guys would treat you better than this. A lot of guys out there would love to have a chance to make you happy. Did it ever occur to you that guys can be just as insecure as girls are? Believe me, there are tons of guys out there for you, and if the one you have isn't treating you well then lose him.

[Unsure]

Thanks for your advice...I really do appreciate it.

 

I know I DO need to toughen up a bit...but it really is hard when you have such strong feelings for someone. I know how he treats me at times is not right...but at the same time I don't think he is the type of person to try and take advantage of me...I think he honestly feels that HE is the one being treated unfairly. And I have tried to sit him down and explain how his behaviour makes me feel, but I don't feel like we ever reach a solution, I guess because he doesn't feel there is a problem in the first place.

 

Probably I need to realize that this is just how he is, and I'm not going to change him...and then decide if this is something I can learn to accept, or I need to move on...

I have been dating a guy for 4 ½ months now, and although things seemed to be going really well, and I feel really strongly for him, lately things haven't been so good. Last night we were supposed to get together & he had been visiting his friends on the other side of the city. I had asked him to call me at 8, & he said he would, but by 9:30 I had still not received a call. This happens SO often nowadays, and sometimes I just won't get a call at all. Anyway, since we had already discussed getting together that night, I called him at 9:30 & left a message saying I was leaving my place & would be at the coffee shop by his house (which is where we were going to go) & I said he could just meet me there. When I got to the coffee shop, I called him & he was at home, & he asked me to just come over there. (We had planned on me spending the night at his place) After I got there & we had been sitting watching TV for a bit, I asked him why he hadn't called me at 8. He replied that he was busy, & I asked "doing what?" He replied he was "busy talking to his friends, why, are you trying to control me?" I said no, it wasn't about control at all, just about having enough respect to call me when he said he would. I know I have problems with insecurity - I have had some pretty rough relationships in the past...but I try really hard not to let it affect my relationship now - he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. But is it too much to ask for him to call me when he says he will? It would take 2 minutes of his time. I don't really think it's fair of him to just leave me hanging not knowing whether we have plans that night or not...lots of times we've made tentative plans, & then he'll call and say 'I think I'm going to be pretty late with my friends so we're going to have to cancel tonight' I HATE that he thinks I'm trying to control him...I do not want to come across as the manipulative, high-maintenance girlfriend. I really do care for him a lot, & I don't want him to feel this way about me. I honestly don't think I'm asking too much...but maybe I'm the one in the wrong...am I acting too controlling? Should I somehow just back off?