Realizations....

[chew123]

Josmatjes,

 

I heard the same things from my wife. I love you but we are like roommates. This was while she was having the affair(they are now living together while the divorce is being finalized). It sounds to me like the affair may have been your way of detaching yourself from your husband.

 

Let me ask you, how did the affair end? Did you want it to end or if you were given the choice would you have left your husband for the affair partner?

In my opinion if you would have left your husband for the affair partner its time to end it.

 

I know I keep harping on the affair. Aside from that it does sound like you really did put the effort in towards trying to save the marriage before and after the affair. 4 MC and datenights etc. I give you credit for giving it a chance. It sounds to me like there may be nothing left to try.

[carhill]

Uncharacteristic of the stereotypical MC's which apparently have a reputation of perpetuating couple counseling to enrich themselves, our MC, when faced with some similar dynamics, stopped us cold with 'I think we've covered everything and you have all the information you need. It's time to make a decision'.

 

Five years down the road, nearly six from hearing that statement from the psychologist, I think we're both happy with the outcome and decision we made. I know I am. No regrets, at all. Wife gone; affair partner gone. Women gone. Life is good. Something just occurred to me.... I paid that psych plenty but you know, I never thanked him. I really need to do that. He saved my life.

[Josmatjes]

Josmatjes,

 

I heard the same things from my wife. I love you but we are like roommates. This was while she was having the affair(they are now living together while the divorce is being finalized). It sounds to me like the affair may have been your way of detaching yourself from your husband.

 

Let me ask you, how did the affair end? Did you want it to end or if you were given the choice would you have left your husband for the affair partner?

In my opinion if you would have left your husband for the affair partner its time to end it.

 

I know I keep harping on the affair. Aside from that it does sound like you really did put the effort in towards trying to save the marriage before and after the affair. 4 MC and datenights etc. I give you credit for giving it a chance. It sounds to me like there may be nothing left to try.

 

I was not given a choice and I was in love w AP. it was heartbreaking.

Before the affair I put 100% effort in.... His relationship with his mom has been a source of contention since the beginning also. She is a lovely woman and I respect her but.... Ok he called her like 3or 4xs on our honeymoon to see where we should go out to eat.. He still calls her sometimes before we go places to see what she thinks.. They have never been over my house for a holiday because she will not step down... She has lied to me on a few occasions, and has told my kids not to tell me things and my H always backs her because he is too afraid to confront her....

So you see it's not just the A.... It's so many things that just added up.....

[Rainbowlove]

I was not given a choice and I was in love w AP. it was heartbreaking.

Before the affair I put 100% effort in.... His relationship with his mom has been a source of contention since the beginning also. She is a lovely woman and I respect her but.... Ok he called her like 3or 4xs on our honeymoon to see where we should go out to eat.. He still calls her sometimes before we go places to see what she thinks.. They have never been over my house for a holiday because she will not step down... She has lied to me on a few occasions, and has told my kids not to tell me things and my H always backs her because he is too afraid to confront her....

So you see it's not just the A.... It's so many things that just added up.....

 

Yes, it's called built up resentments.

 

Something I realized after my affair is that before my affair, I checked out emotionally in my marriage bc of built up resentments. I had a long laundry list of complaints (19 years together). My wife refused to own anything. She was perfect and I was just "me being me" to use her words exactly.

 

It didn't matter that she didn't know where the vaccum cleaner was or she had to be asked to help out with the chores..."cleaning wasn't her thing. It was mine".

 

There were a ton other issues. She was unwilling to accept her responsibility to be a true 50/50 partner. She liked her 85/15 percent deal.

 

Years of begging did nothing. I began not to like myself in my marriage bc I was a nag in her eyes. I was growing miserable with who we had become.

 

Then someone else walked into my life. My affair opened her eyes. Suddenly, bc someone else wanted me and I wanted someone else, she saw the error of her ways.

 

It took me falling for someone else and leaving her for her to fight and to step up. She now cleans, cooks, does laundry and grocery shops without being prompted. She is a true partner. We are 50/50 most of the time.

 

I wish I didn't have an affair. I wish I walked away before that happened. Perhaps she would have tried harder. I don't know. I know I believed she didn't respect me, value me or even truly love me bc of her willingness to listen and try to change. It was easier for her to blame me and put all of our problems on my unhappiness.

 

The point of this is can you work past the resentments together? Can he hear you and you him? He likely has his own laundry list.

 

If you can't hear each other and work towards changing, end it. It takes two to make or break it.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Josmatjes]

Yes, it's called built up resentments.

 

Something I realized after my affair is that before my affair, I checked out emotionally in my marriage bc of built up resentments. I had a long laundry list of complaints (19 years together). My wife refused to own anything. She was perfect and I was just "me being me" to use her words exactly.

 

It didn't matter that she didn't know where the vaccum cleaner was or she had to be asked to help out with the chores..."cleaning wasn't her thing. It was mine".

 

There were a ton other issues. She was unwilling to accept her responsibility to be a true 50/50 partner. She liked her 85/15 percent deal.

 

Years of begging did nothing. I began not to like myself in my marriage bc I was a nag in her eyes. I was growing miserable with who we had become.

 

Then someone else walked into my life. My affair opened her eyes. Suddenly, bc someone else wanted me and I wanted someone else, she saw the error of her ways.

 

It took me falling for someone else and leaving her for her to fight and to step up. She now cleans, cooks, does laundry and grocery shops without being prompted. She is a true partner. We are 50/50 most of the time.

 

I wish I didn't have an affair. I wish I walked away before that happened. Perhaps she would have tried harder. I don't know. I know I believed she didn't respect me, value me or even truly love me bc of her willingness to listen and try to change. It was easier for her to blame me and put all of our problems on my unhappiness.

 

The point of this is can you work past the resentments together? Can he hear you and you him? He likely has his own laundry list.

 

If you can't hear each other and work towards changing, end it. It takes two to make or break it.

 

Wehad separated for a few weeks over the summer, when he came back he claimed he changed and that he saw things in a different light.

 

Well let's just say not a whole lot has changed. Still not having holidays, I'm still doing the bulk of the work around here.

The only difference is that my AP is gone. That's it!! No change!

And I am resentful....I know he is trying but sometimes it's just too late!

I want to be free!

[Rainbowlove]

Wehad separated for a few weeks over the summer, when he came back he claimed he changed and that he saw things in a different light.

 

Well let's just say not a whole lot has changed. Still not having holidays, I'm still doing the bulk of the work around here.

The only difference is that my AP is gone. That's it!! No change!

And I am resentful....I know he is trying but sometimes it's just too late!

I want to be free!

 

Then be free, girl.

[chew123]

The fact that you were in love with your affair partner and did not want to separate from him says a lot. You broke your bond with your husband by falling in love with another man. This is something, you did and is no fault of your husband's. I think if you accept that it will be easier for you to move forward in the future.

 

None of that changes the situation today. You no longer love your husband. You want to be free. He does not know it yet but he should be free also. He is essentially plan b since your affair partner ended it. Otherwise you would not have come back to him. He needs the opportunity to go find someone who actually loves him.

 

I know in my case I was not given the choice of counseling or any options at all before or after the affair began. My wife apparently suffered in silence however I think she really rewrote the history of our marriage after she started the affair. And like you, she still says she loves me, but that is bs.

 

I would not have taken my wife back after the affair even if given the option. People who love each other don't have affairs, they talk about their problems and get divorced if they can't be resolved.

 

Sorry for the affair bent, but I am obviously still a little raw. However I do know that we are both better off by splitting after the affair because she is in "love" with her AP and I could never forgive her for the lies and betrayal.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[2.50 a gallon]

Josmatjes

 

 

I totally understand where you are coming from

 

 

Although never mentioned in this thread, too often I have heard it said that "Love is a Choice". While this might work for the majority of the posters, it has never applied to my love life.

 

 

In the spring of my 42nd year, 7 years after the breakup of my marriage, I began a relationship with a woman, who if you put it on paper, should have been the perfect match for me. I was a nature boy, and had never found that woman who like myself who liked taking off on a hike to the back country. This gal worked out, had buns of steel, and for fun would go on 10 or more mile hikes. And she did not need to be out in the wilds.

Out interests and education complimented each other. We were both fascinated with the universe we live in. She had degrees in Microbiology, Chemistry, a minor in Math from Berkley, then went back to school and had a degree in computer science. She worked at the lead software engineer for a small software company and made oddles of money.

My education was more into History and Anthropology. She had a subscription to Scientific American, and understood and could explain to me the latest findings in particle physics. While I had a subscription to National Geographic, and could explain to her the latest findings in the ancestors of man.

I still wanted to start a family. She wanted to have my kids.

And I should add, she was also very rich, a millionaire many times over, while daddy was in the hundreds.

We had an on / off relationship for over 6 years. The problem was while I dearly loved her, for whatever reason I could never fall in love with her.

Had we married I could have easily quit work and spent all of my time doing historical research. She invited me to fancy vacations, Hawaii, Mexico to see the ruins. The last one was for two weeks to Tahiti for scuba diving. That one scared me so bad, I packed up my things and moved back home, a thousand miles away. But that did not stop her she came over to visit several times.

Three years later, a new gal, second date, first kiss, and I was in love. I had no choice.

[Josmatjes]

Josmatjes

 

 

I totally understand where you are coming from

 

 

Although never mentioned in this thread, too often I have heard it said that "Love is a Choice". While this might work for the majority of the posters, it has never applied to my love life.

 

 

In the spring of my 42nd year, 7 years after the breakup of my marriage, I began a relationship with a woman, who if you put it on paper, should have been the perfect match for me. I was a nature boy, and had never found that woman who like myself who liked taking off on a hike to the back country. This gal worked out, had buns of steel, and for fun would go on 10 or more mile hikes. And she did not need to be out in the wilds.

Out interests and education complimented each other. We were both fascinated with the universe we live in. She had degrees in Microbiology, Chemistry, a minor in Math from Berkley, then went back to school and had a degree in computer science. She worked at the lead software engineer for a small software company and made oddles of money.

My education was more into History and Anthropology. She had a subscription to Scientific American, and understood and could explain to me the latest findings in particle physics. While I had a subscription to National Geographic, and could explain to her the latest findings in the ancestors of man.

I still wanted to start a family. She wanted to have my kids.

And I should add, she was also very rich, a millionaire many times over, while daddy was in the hundreds.

We had an on / off relationship for over 6 years. The problem was while I dearly loved her, for whatever reason I could never fall in love with her.

Had we married I could have easily quit work and spent all of my time doing historical research. She invited me to fancy vacations, Hawaii, Mexico to see the ruins. The last one was for two weeks to Tahiti for scuba diving. That one scared me so bad, I packed up my things and moved back home, a thousand miles away. But that did not stop her she came over to visit several times.

Three years later, a new gal, second date, first kiss, and I was in love. I had no choice.

 

They say their is someone out their for everyone. I don't know what my future holds. I'm happy for you!

[jbrent890]

Well Jos, I'm glad that you are making a move. My advice is that you need to focus on you when it's all said in done. Please do not immediatley try to start dating people. Even though the issues have been there a while, I agree with DKT that you missing your affair is playing a role in this decision. I hope you don't take offense to me saying that. You still need a lot of time to get over your affair. You AP sold you a fantasy and you sare still hanging on to it. Any future relationship you get into is going to fail if you hold your affair as a basis for comparison. Did your husband stop working on his issues? If that's the case, then continue full steam ahead. If he is trying, then I think you need to examine the fact that you still holding on to your affair is still magnifying your resentment towards your husband. I think you do need to be honest here. Since your d day, you have been looking for any reason to leave your husband, to the extent that the smallest mistake would cause you to leave. I'm not telling you to stay, but I think at some level you need to admit that maybe your husband wasn't given that much of chance to redeem himself. I may be wrong. Again, not trying to offend.

[Josmatjes]

Well Jos, I'm glad that you are making a move. My advice is that you need to focus on you when it's all said in done. Please do not immediatley try to start dating people. Even though the issues have been there a while, I agree with DKT that you missing your affair is playing a role in this decision. I hope you don't take offense to me saying that. You still need a lot of time to get over your affair. You AP sold you a fantasy and you sare still hanging on to it. Any future relationship you get into is going to fail if you hold your affair as a basis for comparison. Did your husband stop working on his issues? If that's the case, then continue full steam ahead. If he is trying, then I think you need to examine the fact that you still holding on to your affair is still magnifying your resentment towards your husband. I think you do need to be honest here. Since your d day, you have been looking for any reason to leave your husband, to the extent that the smallest mistake would cause you to leave. I'm not telling you to stay, but I think at some level you need to admit that maybe your husband wasn't given that much of chance to redeem himself. I may be wrong. Again, not trying to offend.

 

I'm not offended at all. I think you may have a good point and I'm going to think it through! Thanks