toolforgrowth Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I think when you truly accept in your heart it's over, you want your spouse to experience love and passion again in their life, even without you. We can still love someone and not stay married to them. Sometimes letting them go to find what we cannot give them is the kindest thing to do. Sounds like she's at that place. This is entirely possible. I'm not saying that she isn't. But in my experience, that hasn't proven to be true very often...in fact, very seldom. I'm not saying that isn't true in her case. I just want to make sure that she is making a decision that she can live with, potentially the rest of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Someone's (perhaps even people you don't know) is always going to be pissed and foaming at the mouth if you divorce. It's just one of the things you have to accept and let it roll off of you if you really mean it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 And I hope to always stay best friends with him.... Only time will tell. But if I were you, I'd abandon this, at least for a while. If you're going to divorce him, really let him go...at least for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Someone's (perhaps even people you don't know) is always going to be pissed and foaming at the mouth if you divorce. It's just one of the things you have to accept and let it roll off of you if you really mean it. Not necessarily. Divorce is not meant to be taken lightly. Hell, I divorced the crap out of my ex wife and never regretted it once...best decision I've ever made, actually! But someone has to ask the hard questions. Is this something she can really live with? I'd say yes, she can. However, I do think she's doing get stbx a disservice by saying he's not very sexual or affectionate. Perhaps not with her, but maybe there's a new woman out there who's capable of bringing that side of him out. On the flip side, I give her a lot of credit for accepting that she isn't that woman, and is letting them both go to find it. That takes courage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Someone's (perhaps even people you don't know) is always going to be pissed and foaming at the mouth if you divorce. It's just one of the things you have to accept and let it roll off of you if you really mean it. This includes family, friends, acquaintances etc... Everyone needs time to adjust and move forward. Some may say all kinds of ugly things about you, but you have to let go of all of that knowing you did your best... You don't need to justify your decision to anyone. Explain if asked, but other people's opinions about your marriage ending must be ignored. Remember, they are not living your life and they are not in your marriage. They are only looking from the outside in. Do you have a therapist? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I can honestly say that him finding happiness with another would not hurt me. I mean yes it would effect me, I'm only human. But we both deserve happiness. I pretty much felt the same way about my exW moving a guy into the house we had rehabbed together before we were divorced, though friends did try to encourage some drama in that department. I simply had disconnected her and MC helped process it out and, frankly, I was happy she had moved on. As far as I know, they're still living together there today, nearly five years later. I won't speak for her happiness but I know, personally, I'm in a far happier place today and there's absolutely no love interests in my life. Truth is, I'd be surprised because he is not very affectionate or sexual. So that being said if he finds someone who is ok with that, then more power to him. There's usually a compatible partner for everyone. For him, for you, for me, everyone. The choices are up to us. And I hope to always stay best friends with him....Down the road, friendship is a laudable goal. I'd focus more on becoming healthy co-parents of your children in the near term and things will shake out as they do. My version of this 'friends' thing is, if my exW and I were friends, we'd still be married. However, each of us defines what the word 'friends' means so YMMV on that. Gotta start somewhere....guard against talking it to death. Actions are health. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I could never be friends with a woman who cheated on me. This is just me, I'm not speaking for Jo's's stbx or anyone else. But there is a reason why my xWW is out of my life, and always will be. What carhill said...give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 We are going to my therapist tomorrow night and she is going to help us separate. As far as being non sexual, I hope he does find someone he is more comparable with... Me too for that matter.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 We are going to my therapist tomorrow night and she is going to help us separate. As far as being non sexual, I hope he does find someone he is more comparable with... Me too for that matter.... Good luck. I admire your courage. We are here to help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Not necessarily. Divorce is not meant to be taken lightly. Hell, I divorced the crap out of my ex wife and never regretted it once...best decision I've ever made, actually! But someone has to ask the hard questions. Is this something she can really live with? I'd say yes, she can. However, I do think she's doing get stbx a disservice by saying he's not very sexual or affectionate. Perhaps not with her, but maybe there's a new woman out there who's capable of bringing that side of him out. On the flip side, I give her a lot of credit for accepting that she isn't that woman, and is letting them both go to find it. That takes courage. I think OP is hoping that he will find someone to bring him this type of happiness as well as for herself. They aren't finding it with each other. It would be only natural that they both will go on to perhaps find the love of their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Not necessarily. Divorce is not meant to be taken lightly. Hell, I divorced the crap out of my ex wife and never regretted it once...best decision I've ever made, actually! But someone has to ask the hard questions. Is this something she can really live with? I'd say yes, she can. However, I do think she's doing get stbx a disservice by saying he's not very sexual or affectionate. Perhaps not with her, but maybe there's a new woman out there who's capable of bringing that side of him out. On the flip side, I give her a lot of credit for accepting that she isn't that woman, and is letting them both go to find it. That takes courage. This includes family, friends, acquaintances etc... Everyone needs time to adjust and move forward. Some may say all kinds of ugly things about you, but you have to let go of all of that knowing you did your best... You don't need to justify your decision to anyone. Explain if asked, but other people's opinions about your marriage ending must be ignored. Remember, they are not living your life and they are not in your marriage. They are only looking from the outside in. Do you have a therapist? That is correct. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I think OP is hoping that he will find someone to bring him this type of happiness as well as for herself. They aren't finding it with each other. It would be only natural that they both will go on to perhaps find the love of their lives. I agree. But she basically admitted that she doesn't think he'll find someone because he's not affectionate or sexual with her. I think this is a BIG assumption on her part and that she needs to be prepared for him to find that with someone else. It's easier to move on when you say, "Oh, they'll never change." But I also think it's disingenuous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I agree. But she basically admitted that she doesn't think he'll find someone because he's not affectionate or sexual with her. I think this is a BIG assumption on her part and that she needs to be prepared for him to find that with someone else. It's easier to move on when you say, "Oh, they'll never change." But I also think it's disingenuous. Why does it make a difference to her? If he's not affectionate or sexual with her it really doesn't matter why. At this point, it's never going to happen with her and that's all that matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I agree. But she basically admitted that she doesn't think he'll find someone because he's not affectionate or sexual with her. I think this is a BIG assumption on her part and that she needs to be prepared for him to find that with someone else. It's easier to move on when you say, "Oh, they'll never change." But I also think it's disingenuous. She also said this: We are going to my therapist tomorrow night and she is going to help us separate. As far as being non sexual, I hope he does find someone he is more comparable with... Me too for that matter.... I really do think OP wants her STBXH to find someone he has sexual compatibility with. I wish them the best. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Divorce him. Let him go and find someone who loves him. You have already cheated on him. In my opinion and it sounds like in yours also you are done so let him go. Forget about the friends thing though. My wife's Infidelity is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. My ex wants to be friends also. Not gonna happen. Civilized cooperative co-parents, yes. Smiling co-parent at weddings , funerals, graduations where we both have to be absolutely. Friendly and civil during the divorce proceedings, yes. But friends, never. And as far as him being non-affectionate with you it is very possible that you have re-written part of your history to free yourself from guilt over the affair. Its very common. This certainly may not be the case in your situation though. Everyone is different. Divorce is not going to be easy, but it sounds to me like its a good idea in this case. Good luck and I hope you are both successful and happy with whatever choice you make. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 And as far as him being non-affectionate with you it is very possible that you have re-written part of your history to free yourself from guilt over the affair. Its very common. This certainly may not be the case in your situation though. Everyone is different. This right here. Look, I'm not questioning her decision to divorce. I think her letting him go is the best possible thing for her stbxh in the long run. But my xWW said that same things about me; that she had no faith that I would change, that everything was my fault, and laid a huge litany of issues at my feet. Now, I'll be the first to say she was dead right about some of my issues; it takes two to tango, and 50% of the marital problems were directly my fault. But she was barely able to acknowledge her own problems and her own guilt for anything. What I am questioning is how she believes she'll feel after it's all said and done. I've been there. I've seen my xWW look me in the eyes with shame and regret. I've seen the disappointment on her face when I rejected her advances. I've read the messages she sent to my ex girlfriend that were dripping with jealousy. I've watched her incredulity as I made my life totally kick ass without her. And now, three years later, even after she's remarried, I've witnessed her jealousy that I have another girlfriend after being single for a year and a half. I think it's quite likely that she means what she says; that she could see her stbxh in the arms of another woman, blissfully happy, the chemistry and love between them totally visible for the world to see, and that she would harbor no jealousy or regret and be truly happy for him. But I also find the opposite just as equally likely, because by her own words, she'd be surprised if he found someone because of his lack of affection for her, so she doesn't really expect it to happen. In essence, a part of her is in denial about it. I fully admit I could be totally wrong. And whatever she decides makes no difference to me whatsoever. But it could make all the difference in the world to her down the road. Could she live with herself with letting her husband go after seeing him doing all of the things she's said he's not capable of with another woman? I'll close by saying I never once regretted divorcing my xWW. It was literally the best choice I've ever made, so I'm usually the first to champion divorce; life's too short! But her story struck a chord with me, and while I find my xWW disgusting, I also can't help but feel sorry for her too. Funny as it may sound, I don't want someone else to go through what my xWW went through. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) She may be jealous for a bit if she sees him doting over someone else. She may not at all. She may find someone else before him and not give a rat's arse one bit. Who knows? I'm sure as she begins to close this chapter in her life with him, she will feel a wide range of emotions or she may have already begun to accept this is the right path for her. There are risks involved and it's unknown territory. Life is full of risks. What she knows is its not working and hasn't for a long time. She wants more for her and him. I think that's admirable to acknowledge that truth of the situation, to speak it and to put those thoughts and feelings into action in the hopes for bettering her life and giving herself a chance for happiness. Staying on the same path when you are staring at a dead end is wrong. Keep walking into the unknown because the known no longer serves either of you well. Edited February 19, 2015 by Rainbowlove Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Who knows? I'm sure as she begins to close this chapter in her life with him, she will feel a wide range of emotions or she may have already begun to accept this is the right path for her. There are risks involved and it's unknown territory. Life is full of risks. What she knows is its not working and hasn't for a long time. I agree with by far the majority of this. But as for What she knows is it's not working and hasn't for a long time, my question for the OP is: Have you tried MC? Are you in IC? Is your husband willing to do either of those? I fully agree that it hasn't worked for a long time. What I don't know is how much effort both she and her stbxh have put into fixing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 I agree with by far the majority of this. But as for What she knows is it's not working and hasn't for a long time, my question for the OP is: Have you tried MC? Are you in IC? Is your husband willing to do either of those? I fully agree that it hasn't worked for a long time. What I don't know is how much effort both she and her stbxh have put into fixing it. Yes 4 mcs?...and I wish I was exaggerating about the sex and no affection! Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Yes 4 mcs?...and I wish I was exaggerating about the sex and no affection! FOUR??? Criminy, is the guy having an A of his own?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 FOUR??? Criminy, is the guy having an A of his own?? 4 marriage councilors....date nights....you name it..... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Jos, I think you have flawed expectations. I also think this drive to divorces is a case of you missing the AP (excitement of the affair at least) and running from the damage you've created in the marriage. After so many years of being "the one doing the right thing" you no longer hold that title. Sometimes it can be easier to run, then to face the truth. I mentioned flawed expectations, what I mean by this is I think you have this vision of being freed up to explore sexual relationships with others and then still baving your husband there for everything else. Its never going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I wasn't sure where to put this thread. I guess it could be both, because my affair opened my eyes to everything that I want and everything I'm not getting... So why not allow your husband the chance? Give yourself a chance too. Does he know of your affair? Sorry I can't remember if he does or not. You both owe it to your kids to give your marriage one last shot. Do MC together and try to keep your family intact. If it doesn't work, then divorce but to give up without really trying to reconnect and salvage things might be something you'll regret in the future. Obviously you loved your husband, enough to marry him, have children with him and build a life with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I read your thread from Jan 15th titled "I tried to be honest". http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/511071-tried-honest Years of arguing, years of no sex, years of bad communication and loneliness. Stay for more of the same or reach for something better? Sometimes it just time to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 So why not allow your husband the chance? Give yourself a chance too. Does he know of your affair? Sorry I can't remember if he does or not. You both owe it to your kids to give your marriage one last shot. Do MC together and try to keep your family intact. If it doesn't work, then divorce but to give up without really trying to reconnect and salvage things might be something you'll regret in the future. Obviously you loved your husband, enough to marry him, have children with him and build a life with him. I have tried so many times! Trust me I'm not one to give up. We've been to counciling and he has tried also. At this point it's just not feeling it anymore. Pretty basic. I looked up a controlled separation, where u separate to give each other space and to reflect on yourself. You still go to a councilor and get together once a week. No dating others because that is a distraction you don't need. You need to understand I love my husband but it's more like he is a roommate at this point. I just can't take it anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts