Are internet forums a negative thing in self improvement?

[Ethan78]

I have been thinking about the kinds of views people hold on the opposite sex in internet forums. With anonymity people can hide their own politics, insecurities, and hatred on forums and give negative advice. Also, isn't there a case to say that the unhappy people who have a complaint to make will always be the ones who are most likely to sit on the internet typing away and criticising others?

 

I came on this forum because I am in my mid 30s and have only ever had a few one night stands. Obviously I was trying to gauge what women's opinions are of this, but having talked to people recently it seems that this cannot be a good move on my part. I cannot know what kind of views the women on this site or others represent, and the same goes for men.

 

I once read a post on another forum where a guy had made a lot of progress in his personal life. His view of an internet forum he used was that if he spent any more than an hour reading the posts once a week then the forum would do him more harm than good because people are so negative or have a distorted perspective.

 

I guess my point ultimately is that it is difficult to find a positive forum without people bringing their own narrow, and often negative / cynical views into it, and in any case the most positive people will not be on the internet - they are probably in a happy place and have better things to do.

[Radu]

Depends a lot on the forum.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think that one needs to always remember that forums are just opinions. You read them...glean from them the information that you might apply to your life....and ignore the rest.

 

Even though we are all strangers...you begin to see patterns in how others post.

 

Some people like to be very negative...they like to point out all the bad stuff and ignore the good stuff.....they sometimes like to incite controversy.

 

Some people are compassionate and supportive and see the positive in any given situation.

 

Some people are drama queens...some people are beaten down and humble....

 

Forums are full of real people having issues in real life and enjoy the anonymity a forum gives them.

 

Whether it is a relationship forum or a car forum or a camera forum or a photography forum....you see the same kinds of people doing the same kinds of things.

 

I enjoy forums..I enjoy thinking about other viewpoints and broadening my horizons. But i also know people can be mean and hateful and the keyboard can be a place to type out those things you would never say to a stranger in person.

 

My husband and i have benefited from all kinds of forums. We look at them as a type of research. You read self improvement books...you read forums...you talk to others. In then end...you still have to weigh everything you have read...and see if any of it can be applied to your own life....

 

You determine if you want to be positive or negative. I tend to be a positive person...my husband says he is a realist....

 

Ignore those that want to spin everything negatively....you only have one life...be happy

[autumnnight]

I think internet forums can be helpful as long as you don't neglect "real life" in favor of them and as long as you don't upset the crazy people

[Mrs. John Adams]

boy that's no kidding Autumn...lol

[Ethan78]

Depends a lot on the forum.

 

I think you have a point if it is a hobby forum with an off-topic section where people talk about personal issues. Other than that I get the impression most dating, self-help forums will attract people who are struggling with self-esteem.

 

I have seen this a number of times on Plenty of Fish, and other sites. People seem to either rant, or blend in their intelligent arguments with a rant. For example when a guy asked about approaching women in nightclubs a woman responded a number of times, each time complaining about men, but her final response to the guy was, - if you don't approach you'll end up single. This is Jekyll and Hyde style ranting.

 

Finding the boundary between real life opinions and internet forum opinions seems to be impossible. And just because someone wouldn't say something to a person in real life it doesn't mean they don't have the cynical thought.

 

Anyway, I might have to take a break from forums. It might be reading about women's views on men, and vice-versa that has left me feeling dejected lately. A lot of people seem to be emotionally cold or cynical about what they want or expect from a partner.

[stillafool]

I agree that people on forums can be somewhat negative depending on what they are going through. I think that is why people need friends and family in their life to discuss their problems with, not a bunch of people who have no idea who you really are.

[newmoon]

they are useful in getting other viewpoints and opinions, but do seem to run negative a majority of the time. they also, imo, do not represent the whole populace - when you're looking for a concrete answer. have you ever noticed how everyone on personal forums is the exception to everything? it's healthier use them sparingly, and not substitute them for common sense and real-life interactions and answers.

[AVarma]

I actually find forums quite helpful. They allow me to ask embarrassing questions that I would never ask in public. Of course there are some people who come to forums just to rant and troll but I'm sure we all know such negative people in real life as well. The difference is in real life people tend to keep their real opinions hidden. On a forum on the other hand everyone can be open. I'd say forums are still a positive influence.

[Ethan78]

I actually find forums quite helpful. They allow me to ask embarrassing questions that I would never ask in public. Of course there are some people who come to forums just to rant and troll but I'm sure we all know such negative people in real life as well. The difference is in real life people tend to keep their real opinions hidden. On a forum on the other hand everyone can be open. I'd say forums are still a positive influence.

 

I think it depends on what self-confidence issues you have. If you have a reasonable amount of self-esteem and a healthy boundary you will be able to dismiss the negative opinions - if not you will come away from the internet site thinking you are inadequate because you didn't reach someone else's standards, or because someone who was deliberately being abrupt or unhelpful replied to you and gave a selfish opinion.

 

Again, it is knowing if the person who says something negative is truly in a minority or are they in the majority in society who might think the same, but would never say it to your face??

 

Edited to add: Maybe I shouldn't mention it in this thread, but I had the exact same problem with therapists. The fact there are judgemental ones out there left me with the same uncertainty. Am I meeting a few people who are unprofessional and judgemental, or do these people represent the media influenced, judgemental society we live in.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Ethan78

[insert_name]

I think you have a point if it is a hobby forum with an off-topic section where people talk about personal issues. Other than that I get the impression most dating, self-help forums will attract people who are struggling with self-esteem.

 

I have seen this a number of times on Plenty of Fish, and other sites. People seem to either rant, or blend in their intelligent arguments with a rant. For example when a guy asked about approaching women in nightclubs a woman responded a number of times, each time complaining about men, but her final response to the guy was, - if you don't approach you'll end up single. This is Jekyll and Hyde style ranting.

 

Finding the boundary between real life opinions and internet forum opinions seems to be impossible. And just because someone wouldn't say something to a person in real life it doesn't mean they don't have the cynical thought.

 

Anyway, I might have to take a break from forums. It might be reading about women's views on men, and vice-versa that has left me feeling dejected lately. A lot of people seem to be emotionally cold or cynical about what they want or expect from a partner.

 

I am finding that there are interesting patterns on here when it comes to threads about self esteem/attraction where posters write off whole demographics who do not meet their standards when it comes to attraction. The style of post makes it seem like they enjoy doing this, like rejecting people in a post en mass makes them feel more confident about themselves because they have demonstrated some sort of value that means they arent bottom of the food chain. Eg someone will post a thread looking for opinions on people who are like 'X' and then its only a matter of time before someone wades in with a post to the effect of "well 'X' does noting for me and I would never date someone like that!". Its not so much the objection, its the vehemence in which the objection is articulated. I am embarrassed that I am falling into that trap myself eg in the thread on single mothers, its not my preference but looking back I could have been much less blunt about it or not said anything at all. It feels to me like I do it because I get fed up of others doing it in threads that affect me so it becomes a cycle of one-upmanship to prop up our ego that was damaged in another thread.

 

I guess in a forum like this where you can hear what people really think about the type of person you are you can easily lose objectivity without realising it and become overly negative in ways that are so subtle you cant see them yourself.

 

I very much agree with the sentiment about coming away feeling you dont live up to someone else's standards and this is quite possibly what drives the negativity- the attempt to reclaim some self esteem by passing it on to others- and so it goes on.

 

Edited to add a concrete example: a specific example of what I am talking about is the recent thread where it was claimed that all the best men are taken so the men that appear on online dating are 'second tier' men in terms of quality. There is probably some merit to the argument but the way it is expressed does the poster no credit at all and cant be good for the overall 'ecosystem' of the forum as negativity breeds.

Edited February 21, 2015 by insert_name

[elaine567]

In an internet forum there are always going to be varying points of view and sometimes they are positive and sometimes they are negative.

 

Advice from friends and family tend to sway towards the positive, so even if you are a "cold hearted, aloof bitch around men", and you ask family and friends why you never get dates or second dates, then friends and family will most likely tell you, you are fine and that one day your prince will come, because they love you and do not want to upset you.

Pour your heart out on an internet forum and someone somewhere will cotton on to the fact you are a "cold-hearted, aloof bitch around men" and will tell you that.

Is that then "negative" or was that just a good assessment of the situation?

 

Sometimes posters do not want to hear anything negative, they get uppity and storm off, but that doesn't mean they are right to do so. Sometimes the truth hurts, but we all have to sometimes consider the negatives. Sometimes in our own little worlds we do not see the uncomfortable truths, or we choose not to see them.

Negative opinions, which are a fair assessment of the situation can sometimes be much more helpful to personal growth, than positive opinions based on drivel.

[NJ123]

I agree that a place like this could really mess your head up if you let it due to all the different negative views on things.

[dichotomy]

It true that many come to this place( and other boards) in pain, or having gone thought some pain. As they are hurting - or hang on to hurt - their views can be "distorted" or rather locked in a view.

 

There are others here who seem to have made it through to the other side and seem generally happy with their lives, but remember the old pain as well.

 

I have been on a number of support boards for various tough issues (life altering issues), in each case there are varying degrees of views and feelings expressed.

 

I sometimes get off the computer feeling "wound up" and angry or hurt again by others feelings and views here.

 

But when someone clicks with you - gets you - on one of these boards it is an amazing thing to make that connection and not feel alone.

Edited February 21, 2015 by dichotomy

[Ethan78]

I am embarrassed that I am falling into that trap myself eg in the thread on single mothers, its not my preference but looking back I could have been much less blunt about it or not said anything at all. It feels to me like I do it because I get fed up of others doing it in threads that affect me so it becomes a cycle of one-upmanship to prop up our ego that was damaged in another thread.

 

Don't be embarrassed. I think we all have angry or dark feelings somewhere, or at least the human potential for them if things aren't going right in our own lives.

 

I get the same in a strange way. I might generalise negatively about women sometimes in my mind, but never have the desire to say something bad to a particular woman, single mother etc. just for the sake of it. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I think as long as we are self aware, and we have friends around to help us put things into perspective we can fight our irrational thoughts.

 

 

I sometimes get off the computer feeling "wound up" and angry or hurt again by others feelings and views here.

 

Me too. I guess I will stop posting here soon. I often feel the same.

[KimmyBee]

Definitely but you need to have some control. If something starts to upset you then quit reading it. It is difficult to but will make you feel better in the long run! I used to go on a forum where there were a lot of immature and rude people and it made me feel so miserable and bad about myself. Felt much better when I stopped going on there. I find most people on here to be mature, there's so much worse out there.

Edited February 22, 2015 by KimmyBee